Order in Chaos

The quality of the human experience is only actualized through our thoughts.
Wayne Dyer

Return of the Boulder

The boulder has seemed to roll back over on my path to seeing clearly. With a differing intensity and radiation of the pain I had been experiencing,  I am reminded again of my situation. Thus the familiar worry begins.

So, I made a call yesterday, to check up on the status of things...only to be told I would just have to wait for a call, that  I was more or less told by someone else  would never come. I was left with the realization  that  I will  still be floundering around in the pool of not knowing for God knows how long. That was such a heavy defeating feeling.

Treading Water

I  guess I just have to go on  treading water here as I wait for someone to throw me a rope.  Everyone standing around is assuming that it is someone else's job to throw it...so they innocently (sometimes not so innocently) turn their backs and walk away to deal with all the many other important cases and things they have to deal with.  And I just keep treading, waiting, as this thing on my body continues to change. If they are not looking, they cannot see how hard it is to continually tread water. Sigh.

Truth is...I am tired! It hits me every now and again...how tired I am.  I am soooo tired of treading water, of waiting.  There are times, I just want to put my hands up, stop kicking and  sink to the bottom. Can I call that letting go or giving up? I don't know yet...so I keep my head up.

Eleven Weeks of Worry

It has been  two weeks  since the last ambivalently -hopeful step toward knowing was activated, where  I was told another "necessary"  test would be ordered by the surgeon.  And it has been over eleven weeks since  I first noticed the changes.  When a mind is still caught up in time focus, Eleven weeks of worry is a long time.  If we let it, it can take its toll on mind and body, on living and loving.

For the most part, I see it as an opportunity for my growth.  I do and I am even thankful for it.

Other times,  I just let it bring me down. I feel  too tired to constantly struggle to see beyond this seemingly humongous border in my psyche.  I am okay with letting go to some extent...but I have people in my life who seem to need me now...people who are suffering and are crying out for my guidance.  I also have this strong desire and calling to be more compassionate. Yet, there are times, I can not seem to reach others  over this fatigue from treading and this mental boulder that takes up so much space inside me.  So on top of worry, fear, frustration and occasional hopelessness, I have guilt and shame. The distance between me and the pool's edge seems to get longer. The boulder just gets bigger.

Why the Chaos?

Why is this happening?  Why did this thing show up on my body and why am I having such a hard time getting it diagnosed? Especially now when others are hurting and need me.   It all seems so chaotic and unnecessary...so far from the peace I so long for. These life circumstances are like weeds that popped up on the perfect landscape I thought I needed in order to be peaceful.

The weeds just are

It is only when I judge them as "ugly" "unfair", "chaotic" "bad" and as things I need  to remove from what could be a perfect lawn that I suffer.  I know that.  This pain, this bodily change, this challenge I am facing getting diagnosed...is just seemingly chaotic in my  mind.  In reality it just is.  It is no different than the flowers that bloom in my life...the moments of peace, joy, love. It just is.

Remembering that Compassion is Healing

More importantly, I am not the only one in this big vast world of billions that feels this physical pain, this fear and worry, this occasional hopelessness and fatigue.  I am not the only one who is waiting, who is treading water without knowing when she can stop.  I am not the only one dealing with a massive boulder in their psyche and feeling guilt and shame for not being able to reach out to the others who are behind it.

Or can I reach out? I can still think compassion, can't I?  I can still feel compassion for myself and all others beyond the boulder.  Compassion is not restricted by stone or water.  It flows through everything. There is, after all,  so much divine order in what seems so chaotic. 

With compassion, there is even more  order to be found in this chaos. 

It is all good.