Priceless Diamond

Good news is rare these days, and every glittering ounce of it should be cherished and hoarded and worshipped and fondled like a priceless diamond.
Hunter S. Thompson


Good News

Whew! Some Good news.... No "real evidence"of  cancer showed up on my tests....and I didn't attack anyone with an angry ego. 

I should be delighted and flying to the moon...and I am very relieved...but I think I am still processing.  I know if I still didn't have the pain ( which was made worse by all the squishing yesterday) , and the validation for it...(mammogram reveals some definite retraction that was not there before  and  another "solid" lump was found  in the area where the pain is heading)...I would probably have hugged everyone in that room yesterday and run dancing home. I certainly felt relief with so much gratitude ...so much so I forgot my confrontation intention  and was passive and empathetic, appreciating the attempts that were made at communicating in a therapeutic way rather than confrontational.  I just   grasped and clung to every bit of " not revealing obvious evidence of cancer" that was given me by  a totally different bedside approach than the one I received in November...

But....

Relieved but not 100 % at Peace

I noticed even as I was giving D. the thumbs up sign, when I was leaving the room, that I wasn't completely at peace with what I was given.  Just like I was not at complete peace after that  first ultrasound as much as I was willing to let it go there. (Then... it was my physician, not me,  that was not willing to stop there.)  This time, I think it is me.  Something won't let me let it go.  I need to explore that. 

As I reflect back,( my mind is remarkable about picking up and recalling vivid detail from the tone and inflection in a voice, whether or not there was eye contact,  what was said ...what was shown to me...people's expressions and body language etc),  there  were several reasons for my lack of reassurance.  I won't share them here and I will own my feelings completely.  Closure will not occur, I suppose, until I see the surgeon who I am told I will be referred directly to.


Regardless of what the tests showed, the mass I am feeling is still there. I still have pain and I still don't know what is causing it. On top of that I have another lump that is "definitely  not a cyst" showing up in the area where the pain appears to be moving to.  I was told it was "likely just a fibroadenoma". This shows up where I am having pain and two months after this other mass was first found. That can't be coincidence. There is approximately 70 % density leading to an obscure view. (It surprises me that at 56,  I  still have such dense tissue?)  The area I have been feeling is below that dense tissue. The retraction is obvious right above what I am feeling...so there is definitely something there...causing the retraction and the pain as well as the palpable mass.  The question is: What the heck is it? Is it all just due to normal aging tissue change or is there just too much dense tissue for even the tests I had performed to pick  up something?  Wouldn't hyperplasia or ductal ectasia...at least show up?

 All I get when I ask..."So what am I feeling?  What is causing the retraction and the pain?" Is, "I don't know.  These tests do not reveal any "obvious evidence of cancer". Could be normal tissue." Is normal tissue so palpable and symptom producing? 

The scientific part of my brain that needs clearer validation...won't settle with "could be normal" and "I don't know." .  Hopefully the surgeon will clear that up for me. I think I will pop in to see my GP this week too.  Something just doesn't seem right. 

No fretting, no drama, no worry...just a bit of inspired action. That inspired action definitely will not involve seeking to get more tests done there. I definitely do not intend to go anywhere near that radiology department for a very long time if at all! After the denials,  long waits,  and "teaching" I received about the improper use of MRI's and mammograms , I don't think getting another test done there would even be permitted no matter what the likelihood of having cancer is.

Anyway...I do feel a great deal of relief and appreciation...in comparison to what I felt a few weeks ago.  I also feel appreciation for the machinery and the funding that allowed for it, as well as the hard working technologists who didn't even get a break that day. That is a very busy and hard working team that deals with women like me on a daily basis.  My thanks to them.

All is well in my world.