Observing the Mind

The energy of the mind is the essence of life
-Aristotle

Observing the Human Mind

I get so amazed when I observe the human mind...mine in particular.  I really cannot look clearly outside myself until I look clearly within.  Or what is that bible passage?  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3-5; NIV).  So in my never ceasing interest in studying other human minds, I am willingly examining a big nasty piece of wood  when I venture into my own head.

The "Waiting" Mind

On Monday, D. and I discussed the "waiting" experience.  My 20-30 minutes of testing (total) involved a four and a half hour wait.  That was a challenging four and a half hours, let me tell ya. It was challenging because number one...we were waiting on some pretty heavy news and number two...we both wondered if I was intentionally scheduled  last  by an irate professional who wanted to "teach me a lesson. " , getting my ego all rawled up.  (Probably paranoia but ...  I had that in the back of my mind.) 

We noticed and then discussed with interest  how we were handling the situation...reading a bit, going to our phones, looking around, talking, confirming the time, lapsing into silence, going back to reading, phones, talking...silence.  It was as if the  mind could not settle on one thing...in the present moment because it was waiting on  (dreading) the moment ahead.

I unknowingly kept slipping into  images of that future moment...imagining in detail what it would or could be like.  How will it be to face this person?  How will he react to me this time?   What will they find?  How will I be treated?  How will I react or respond to what they find? I spent over 240 moments fixated on one single moment before I even got to it!

As I sat there in the waiting room, shaking my leg and playing with my fingers....I would catch myself going off.  I would then gently try to bring myself back to breath focus and body sensation focus.  I tried to become acutely aware of my surroundings.  Read every sign and even took down a few numbers in case I needed them. (Anyone looking for the number of the Purell customer service?)

I spent fifteen minutes observing and running my fingers over the material of the Johnny shirt I was in. I was in complete awe that I never  realized how nice that material was before then.  It was like I was truly seeing it for the first time.  I was so impressed by it that I told Don I was going to make a pair of pajamas out of it somehow to keep me cool during my hot flashes. If I had a needle, thread and a pair of scissors I probably could have made a pair for everyone in the waiting room before my numbers were called.

The time did pass...my number was eventually called three different times for three different tests.

The " Alert " and "Prepared" Mind

I also recall how my mind behaved during the testing and the discussions that followed after wards. Not at all like I imagined I would react.  I did not get angry and confront like I so intended to do.  I was passive, open, kind.

Neither the communications instructor in me, or the author of the book I am writing about putting care back in health care took  over to begin lecturing on the proper use of empathy and  therapeutic technique like I thought they would. In fact, I didn't even realize how many teaching opportunities for correction  there were until yesterday.

I was so , so in the moment completely in tune ... waiting in alert stillness for only  two things: signs of an active ego on his part...my sick of being shamed ego was hyper vigilant and prepared to fly into him.   And to hear whether or not this was cancer? Hmmm...that was all my mind could handle...everything else got put on the back burner.

The Processing Mind

That doesn't mean I was as brain dead as I might have seemed to those I dealt with. My mind  picked up absolutely everything  in snippets and now those snippets are falling all around me so I can process and make sense of what happened Monday. My being so there in alertness gave me so much clarity I didn't know I had.  Picking up everything in vivid detail.  Slowly it is allowing the pieces of information to drop in some gentle pattern around me so I can reflect clearly on the whole experience and make sense of it.

That is what awareness does.  It is just amazing how the mind works!

Another big long spiel and I am not sure why.

All good!!!