I am conscious therefore I am...
-Eckhart Tolle
It was Rene Descartes who said " I think, therefore I am." But how true is that? Are we our thinking or are we the spacious consciousness beneath the thinking, as Tolle proposes above.
How many times a day to you catch yourself responding to a question from another or a question Life Itself seems to pose in the form of circumstances, with "I have to think about that ?"
I have spent my life responding in that way. Whenever an issue arose that seemed complicated or emotionally activating, I would pull myself away into a corner so I could "think about it". I felt the only way to deal with it was by thinking about it. And off I would go from one thought to another, from one story or mental drama to another...and I seldom came back out of the corner any more Self aware than I went in. In fact, I usually came out feeling worse.
Getting Pulled Back Into the Habitual Mind
Monday's events.... what my mind registered as the accumulation of six weeks of body related worry...was something I felt I needed to process. In other words, "I needed to think about that...". I spent the last few days processing, recording details, reviewing, analyzing and understanding them so ego could make sense of it.
That is not something I wanted to spend my limited energy doing (the whole experience exhausted me) ...I wanted to let it go. I wanted more space between my thoughts...more stillness. I do want to break the habit of "needing to think about " these types of things but ego keeps pulling me back into my habitual mind.
Moments in Alert Presence
I was conscious during the experience as I am in many high stress situations. The thinking I did during the experience was limited so therefore the way I responded to it was not the way "ego" wanted me to. I was so in the moment...so in the zone...so present and so alert...every cell of my body was waiting and then clinging to every explanation that came from the individual's mouth ...that I didn't think that much. Consciousness was so present ego was pushed aside.
Ego likes to think
My mind, as I mentioned before , is very, very active. Some might call it very perceptive...but I am starting to see it as crazy making. When I am conscious and alert, not necessarily thinking, my mind continues to pick up and store details and specifics of what is occurring around me.
Now my conscious Self, my present Self is okay with not dealing with the details and chooses to maintain attention only on what serves the moment but ego isn't quite so complacent. Though there may be little room for it in those "focused" moments, when the alertness diminishes ego sneaks back into my data gathering mind to study the history there. So though I may walk away from such an experience feeling like it is over...ego ensures it isn't!
My thinking addicted ego came flying back into my psyche after reviewing the tapes, and man did it let me have it.
A Reprimand From an Angry Ego
(I actually had five long paragraphs flow out here from my angry ego. After it reviewed the details of my experience on Monday it made some pretty valid conclusions. And it got angry again. It wanted me to relay all that information here but I realize that it will only serve ego to leave me once again stuck in a victim's tale. I have that information clearly documented and I am certainly not discounting it. I will, however, not get lost in it and follow it into another drama...
Don't have to go there.
So the ego wants to pull us in to habitual thinking again and again. It tells us what we have to think about is important....but the thing is we do not always have to follow it. We do not need to struggle against the thinking...or actively work to shut it down. We just need to strengthen our "muscle of attention choice" with a practice.
The Practice
We choose presence and we practice by slipping into stillness and alertness more often ...that's all. We practice mindfulness or mind-less-ness ( less mind). Spend time becoming aware of where your attention is. What are you paying attention to right now? Thoughts about the past or future, busy life going on around you? Okay gently bring yourself back to body sensation, your surroundings, your breath and the space between thoughts.
Prepare yourself. You may go off again... just like I did. I was so present during the appointments on Monday but slipped away shortly afterward. Now I am in the process of bringing myself back.
We practice by attempting to recognize when we are going off like I did above and we gently bring ourselves back. The thing is not to resist the thinking or to actively strive to bring yourself back to stillness. Do so gently and passively. No force and no resistance.
Ego Might Have Needed to Have a Little Say
I know this is going to contradict many things I have said before, but sometimes our attention might have to be on what ego has to say. I was actually having a harder time being mindful/mind-less when I was resisting my thoughts about Monday's experience and trying not to pay attention to what ego had to say. My resistance was causing me so much agitation I have not been able to come here to write. Once I just stopped and allowed ego without resisting it to say what it has to say...I felt better.
We definitely do not want to get lost in our thinking because regardless of what Rene Descartes proposed, it is not who we are. But we can, from a detached distance, let ego rip on a thought rampage from time to time. Don't spend a lot of time resisting it. Just allow it and observe it.
The New State of Consciousness
I think of this statement I heard from Eckhart Tolle today, "The new state of consciousness is a mixture of thoughts and spaciousness."
So though we want to be alert and still in our conscious spaciousness...sometimes thinking is an inescapable part of our human reality. We can gain awareness and clarity if we observe that thinking from a place of spaciousness. I now know what ego thinks of my experience ...it is all out in the open...but whether or not I go there to get lost in its version of reality, ..is my choice. I will not react to what ego has deemed as unacceptable professional behaviour in an other but I might respond in a healthy way that serves all.
I guess..."I will have to think about that..." :)
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (August, 2019)Freedom from Thought and Excessive Thinking. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPey7m4jNto
Eckhart Tolle ( July 24, 2019 [my birthday lol]) The Dream of Life and Success. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFnr6vrMZJE
No comments:
Post a Comment