The Presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.
-ACIM
I just sat here, thinking I would write about some great learning from ACIM but the following came out. I then discovered I was stuck on fear because body thoughts have risen to the level of the mind. I realized that I have a situation in my life where there is Real Evidence Appearing False and I am worried about it repeating itself in this recent health scare I have been experiencing. It is actually the possibility of Real Evidence Appearing False that is causing me fear right now.
Ongoing Evidence: Real or Unreal?
I am sometimes lost in body thoughts again. I am looking for evidence to rationalize my slips.
I am stressed. Stress makes my body sooo tired. It has this strange effect on my pulse and blood pressure...kind of the opposite effect it would have on most people. Instead of causing an increase in these two things, prolonged stress leads to a decrease. My systolic blood pressure will hover around 80 and 90 after extended periods dealing with a stressful situation (I don't think 90 is an issue but 80 with drops into the 70's...yeah, that's fatiguing...and I have recordings, witnessed by others, as low as 64 when I was still conscious . I don't know how low it gets before I faint?)
My pulse will go through days hovering around 45 with drops into the 30's, as it is doing now. If you ever experienced a pulse in the 40's and 30's for more than a few hours you would know what I mean by tired! There is also a connection obviously between the brady and hypotension with the chest pain I get.
A History with Real Evidence Appearing False.
I have "whined" and "complained" about this phenomena for over 20 years and I am not sure if people "out there' really believe me or understand the impact it has had on my life. Even with all the recorded evidence...both on my personal monitoring reports and those performed through physician orders...I lack a sense of external validation. My circumstances of the last ten years tend to hint at the fact that I am not only not validated but I am being punished for seeking help. (This part may very well be False Evidence Appearing Real).
More concern was always shown for the tachycardia. I also go to the opposite end of the spectrum ( not so much now because I am being treated for coronary vasospasm with a calcium channel blocker that incidentally keeps the tachy and palpitations at a minimum...and no ...anything that vsaodilates does not lower my BP like it would in most...it actually stabilizes it or increases it...so the medication I have been on for years is not responsible for my recent bradycardia and hypotension. ) There were many times, for no explicable reason, my pulse would shoot up past the 200 mark and man would those palpitation be wicked. (And yes I have lots of evidence of that as well).
What I thought was "real evidence", often just got passed off by too many specialists as, "probably only happening when you sleep...no big deal". ...or..."as long as there is no symptoms with the bradycardia, there is no need to worry. " (Ummm...I have been brought by ambulance to the emergency room more than once for doing nose plants and I have been complaining about overwhelming fatigue, palpitations, dizziness and chest pain for over 20 years...is this not enough symptoms???) or my favorite , "this bradycardia, atrial fib and flutter that is showing up on these medical recordings...is not bradycardia, atrial fib or flutter...there is nothing wrong with your heart."
Figure that one out!
I stopped trying to get validation for this very obvious heart thing a long time ago. My motivation, in the beginning, was not only to get relief for myself but to help out my family members. I always knew this was a familial thing...so I pushed to get a diagnosis in the beginning to prevent someone else from dying like my sister did. Once other siblings started having their MI's (heart attacks) in their fifties or were being diagnosed and treated for their atrial fib, flutter and V tach...I backed off. My getting a diagnosis did not seem that urgent anymore. The familial tendency was finally out in the open. My loved ones were being taken seriously.
What is my point?
We need to validate our own experience by living it!
The lesson I need to learn here is: Living on outer world evidence , be it real or unreal, leads to fear. Fear is a doorway into letting go of our need for outer world validation and accepting the truth of who we are.
My situation seemed to be one of Real Evidence Appearing False, rather than False Evidence Appearing Real. Not having what I thought was real evidence validated as such lead me to mistrust a system, mistrust myself and mistrust life. A lack of trust is a great cause of fear. I feared.
The Less than Brave Way to Live
My rational mind says...This is not False Evidence...it is very real ...It is Very Real...In order to survive with this under validated condition, however, because the evidence appeared false to so many...I began to believe it was too. It was easier to do it that way than to constantly push and struggle against other opinion and assumption about me.
As a result, I began to focus less and less on the evidence. I stopped collecting it and trying to prove to others and myself it was "real". Up until a few days ago, I seldom took my BP and Pulse...it was only because I was getting so symptomatic and I knew the stress was having an effect on me that I began to monitor it again. I don't talk about these symptoms or these findings with anyone but D. because he sees the obvious changes in me. (Other than blasting it publicly all over the page here lol I don't try to prove my situation is real)
For the most part, I deny the reality of my situation. I push past the symptoms. Even when I got a bad bout of chest pain during my yoga class yesterday, I kept going. I will take nitro...I am not stupid...I know I need to but I will do so almost shamefully...ducking down and holding the bottle behind my hand so no one sees me doing so.
The Lessons will Keep coming Until We Face Our FEAR
I don't recommend avoiding evidence this for anyone...if you have real evidence make sure it gets validated by others whom you may need support from. I only withdraw from evidence collection and sharing in my case because I am too shamed and traumatized by my experience to do otherwise (that has a lot to do with my pre-established beliefs about seeking health validation in the first place). And because of that I am often confused about what is real and unreal. I carry that mistrust into this new health issue I am dealing with. I do not trust and assume that others will view real evidence as false. Until I become the validated and validator of my own evidence I will continue to face similar health seeking experiences.
It is so funny how we keep generating these learning experiences again and again until we learn. New health seeking experiences have come into my life but it is the same lesson just in a different classroom with the same teachers wearing different pants.
I only bring this up because my fear based on body thoughts is in the way of my going forward as a teacher or as a learner, like I so want to do. Sigh...so I share my fear...in hope that I can move on past it.
The next time I write it will be from a better place...and I will be able to share my learning.
All is well.
No comments:
Post a Comment