Shadow Symptoms

There is a dimension in every human being that has not been effected by what happens.
-Eckhart Tolle

Shadows and Body Focus

My body is feeling the effects of my perception of external stress.  The shadows on my wall are really freaking out, let me tell ya and I am allowing it to get to me.  Despite all the work I do, I have this perception that my hands are chained behind my back and I can't even move my head. The crazy voodoo dance those shadows seem to be doing in the firelight, cursing the heck out of me, becomes my reality. :)

I had another cardiac episode last evening. (I know  it was a cardiac episode. It is what it is. ) Anyway...I nearly went down again.  What a sickening feeling that is. 

By the time I made it to the chair and was able to take my blood pressure ( yes...despite my giving  up on outside help... I will still monitor my blood pressure when I am that symptomatic but only when) ...it was 70/54...which is not that bad.  It has been much lower at other episodes... but low enough to make me feel pretty crappy. 

I didn't faint!!! I had a lot of thumping in my chest  that led to chest pain but I did come around without too much intervention other than the head between the legs until I could make it to the bed  and put my feet up. I feel a little off this morning but much better.

Taunting shadows

Why am I sharing all this boring 'body' information with you? It relates to what we were talking about yesterday.  The symptoms were more than just my body's reaction to my perceived stress. They were like shadows that taunted and teased me with reminders of all I have been through with my health seeking journey. You are really sick and you  will never get outside help for this, is what they are mouthing in my direction. Your heart will eventually fail and you will die and someone somewhere  will make up some excuse.  Your loved ones will suffer the same fate.

Like those prisoners in Socrates  cave,  it feels like my hands are tied.  I cannot seem to do anything but watch these damn shadows dance around in front of me until I can watch no more.  The fact that I am watching them reminds me that I haven't let go, that I am still caught up in the drama and the story...that I am still over identifying with my body.  The fact that I am writing about it now for others to read is also ego's way to draw others into the drama of it all. I am reminded of ego's presence in my mind once again.

Egoic Reaction

My reaction to these symptoms, these shadows is totally egoic when it doesn't have to be. There is something in me somewhere that is not effected by what happens to me or around me.  There is something in me that can never be chained in darkness.  There is something in me that can never be sick or worried.  There is something in me that knows that Life is much more than shadows on a wall.

My chains are things ego created to keep me staring at the wall and stuck in my 'body limitation'.  It doesn't want me to see there is a way out of this cave, that there is sunlight and much more to 'see' and experience in that light.

So if it is ego who put me here, who will take me out?

Those yielding diagnostic ability? No.  Anyone or anything outside of me?   No.  The only thing that will free me is a change of mind. As the mind so the person; bondage or liberation are in your own mind.(Satchidananda, page 5). 

I do not have to watch these shadows dance their crazy dances. I can find that part of me that remains unaffected , beyond this limited perception. The peace of stillness and awareness within me can carry me out of here to a world worth seeing.

And all the world departs in silence as this peace envelopes it, and gently carries it to truth, no more to be the home of fear. ACIM-W-305:1:3

All is well.

ACIM

Sri Swami Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral Yoga