Lonely wolf?

...So every gift I give belongs to me.  Each one allows a past mistake to go, and leave no shadow on the holy mind my Father loves.
ACIM-W-316:1:1-2

Lonely?

Are you feeling lonely as you awaken?

I feel lonely.  As the physical world stressors seem to come crashing down on me and I anticipate even greater stress of that nature in the upcoming future...a life change I can not even comprehend really as I lose the bit of 'stuff' I have left...I feel lonely.  I want to share 'my story' with someone but I am aware of the reality of my situation. Few people would care to be burdened by such a tale of woe.  Few people  know or care about the extent of the physical world stressors coming down on me.  Few people care about me.

Taking accountability

That sounds like pity, I know, and I am sure my remaining big fat ego would love to stir up some more drama right now...I just don't have enough in my life lol...by convincing me of how so few care.   I, however, no longer want to go where ego wants me to...my butt is still red and sore from spending too many years on the pity pot...  but I must accept there is a simple truth behind that statement. I am finding myself, like many in this position often do, somewhat isolated from the pack. Maybe you feel the same way.
We may have a tendency to want to feel sorry for ourselves and blame others for our loneliness but we need to be accountable for what we have done to get us here.

I am finally accepting of that truth without pity or blame.  I know I got me here!  I withdrew.  I sought the companionship of awareness over the companionship of others and I have become very comfortable in solitude.    I take accountability for my pulling away. No one owes me anything, they never did, I realize that. I chose awakening over socializing. And I don't regret what I have done.  I accept the consequences. I do. 

Support from the pack

Are you feeling like a lone wolf, standing off from the pack?  Are you feeling a bit hungry and cold as a result?

I have been very much a lone wolf. I do, however,  long for a certain support in the form of a listening ear or a validating presence from time to time. Someone I can turn to and say, "Look what I am going through! Please tell me it is understandable to feel so 'stressed'?"

Maybe that is just ego wanting that validation  so I get lost in story again...or maybe it is generated by a natural human need for support. I am not sure yet.

I know though I  have  people in my life who love me (and I am sure you have people in your life who love you)  despite this "crazy awakening thing "and the isolating tendencies that go with it. I have one or two that listen attentively  and try their best to understand but it is hard for them, I know, to get past my 'crazy new way of thinking'. 

And the list of life stressors I flash around is a little surreal and hard to believe let alone digest. I have a sense that I am overburdening others, confusing them, expecting too much from them.   I don't want to do that. I also don't want to get buried in story  again and I definitely do not want to bury others in my story.  So I tend not to share too much.

I also have others who feel I left them when I looked towards healing and are angry or resentful because of it. They may be collecting grievances against me.. They may   want me to suffer...just a bit. I am afraid to approach them. :)

And there have been others, in the recent past, who  care but who unintentionally rejected me and my story.  Not meaning to offend or hurt, not even aware possibly of what they were doing, they often shut me down so they could relay their own stories or they shut me out of their minds all together when my story did not involve them. And I, being 'the awakened' and 'enlightened' one lol, felt it was my job to put 'me' aside as well for them. But I wasn't awakened as I thought I was, far from it, because I could never put 'me' away for long. It stung each and every time. So much so I withdrew further away. I still fear that subtle rejection and hold my tongue before I spit out too many "I" and "me"s. I withdrew verbally as well as physically.

'I' and 'me' in the way of human relating

Oh but the learning that came from that withdrawal. I have learned to observe and examine human relating from a less subjective perch. The "I", I notice, is just so prevalent in many people's minds (mine included). Too many of us just don't have time to think beyond that "I" for long enough to be truly present for another person's story.  It is just the way it is.  It was never anything personal or anything I haven't done myself that led to this feeling of loneliness., this perceived isolation..though ego would love to convince me otherwise. It is simply a problem with the over identification of I and me, I believe, that is the problem in human relating today.  That is why so many of us feel lonely.

Finding our way back to the pack

We are social animals though, aren't we?  We need the protection and support of the pack for our survival.  We especially need it as we make the transcension from "I" to "all".

I want to transcend the selfish limitation of "I" and "me''.  To that I have to learn, in some way, to be kind to this self that does the expressing. I need to see that I deserve the pack's support.

I am in the process of reaching out to others.  I have contacted professionals. I know that my external stressors are too plentiful for even the most enlightened mind and my mind, being so far from that enlightenment, needs a little help sorting things out. 

I reached and have been reaching out to D. who does his best to understand me.  He is always so patient and supportive despite.

And I have reached out to a couple of my siblings from time to time.  It is hard though because patterns of relating have been established over the years, labels and ideas about who each of us is in terms of roles have become entrenched in our psyches and forms the basis of our relating. It is hard to let go of that. Many in my family  still see me stuck to the pity pot so if I started talking about my issues there would likely follow the habitual way of responding: diminishing, shutting me down, reprimanding or judging.    I  fear that I can't handle that right now....but I will work on finding a way through it.

I have to accept the fact that though I definitely do not preach  to anyone (other than here...if you call this preaching) my whole personality is different than the one others identified with. I am not the person they believe me to be.  If I ever was that person, I don't know. It is uncomfortable for them to come to terms with that.  It is much easier to think that I am just "crazier than a bag of hammers" lol because I have changed so much. (God knows, I feel that way many times :)) Or it may be easier to shut me out a bit because it is uncomfortable to relate to me this way or think of me at all.

Relating to others

How we relate to others is much more important than how they relate to us. Are you noticing a shift in the way you relate to others?  When you are listening to story are you more open or closed than you were before?

In truth, I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore, if I ever did.  I am impatient with egos, mine and other people's . I don't like small talk and I easily drift off when people are talking about their vehicles or their houses. When I listen to 'real' story I am more present than I ever was but there is a down side  to that. It is physically and emotionally draining. I see so much, I feel so  much beyond the words.  I soak up emotions like a sponge and if there is  pain being expressed  as there often has been...I become saturated with the pain.  It will stick to me.  I will dream about it.  I will walk around heavy for days and I feel 'sick'. This goes beyond healthy compassion and empathy and I have so much to learn here. I have to find a healthy way to settle into this way of relating to others. I will.

It's a Learning Process

Maybe, we should cut ourselves some slack. I suppose relating as well as awakening  is all a big  learning process we need to make our way through.  It will take time to learn to approach and relate to others in a healthier way. It will take time to settle comfortably back into the pack.  Loneliness may be a part of the learning for a while.

So I am lonely and that's okay.  I may and may not find someone to talk to about all this in a way that feels good and that is okay too.  I just want to settle into everything that is going on in Life...to settle into it and just let it be.  I can begin that by settling into my loneliness and just allowing that to be what it is.

All is well.

ACIM-W-316