The Wall

Story time!!!

I have another analogy to describe how I and my loved ones who are presently suffering from mental ruts  may be experiencing (I mean...I really do not know what others are experiencing, do I? I should not even try to presume or assume.   I barely know what I am feeling lol but "I imagine" it is something like this.):

The Wall

Travelling to the Special Place

Once upon a time, a long time ago there lived this ordinary, easy to forget middle aged woman.  Now this woman  had been travelling for a very, very long time with her head down: plotting, planning, walking, working, fixing, and moving to get herself and her children somewhere special. She was not sure what that destination was  but...assumed it was a 'good' place, a safe place where there would be  no more need for struggle, worry, or pain. She was determined to take herself and her family there. 

When she started out, she was blessed  with a certain energy and focus.  She was able to pay attention to her goal.  She could easily swat away the interferences, and crawl over the bumps and find ways around the  pot holes. She  could easily ignore the blisters, the bruises, the aches  and the pains that her body endured as she travelled along this rather rough path.

Feeling strong and powerful, she did not mind carrying the heavy loads she carried...in the beginning. And it was a heavy load.  Even though  she was still clinging to her own past luggage that she was determined to bring with her, she carried much of her children's' loads as well. She believed it was her duty to make their loads lighter in this lifetime. So even as her children grew big and strong, she carried what she could for them, as she  huffed and puffed along the trail. In the beginning it was easy but eventually the load and the road got to her. She got tired.

Tired and Distracted

So much was going on around her as she marched along.  And feeling as tired as she was,  it was tempting to stop and give in to it. There was the musical melody of bird song in the canopy above her head that was like a lullaby to her tired mind.   There was the changing foliage and fauna that had the ability to mesmerize her and draw her in. There were mornings that erupted into golden displays of light and evenings that painted the world a magnificent red. There was also plenty of dark clouds,  cries for help, angry bursts of violence and travellers in need all around her. There was always something threatening to take her away from her goal or to slow her down.

Focus on the steps

She needed to keep going.  She needed to 'do' whatever she could to get her and her children to that special place.  By watching others up ahead, she learned that she  could close out all the unnecessary, the distracting things that slowed her down if she   kept her head down and focused on each foot and the step it was taking.   She  just kept moving forward, one step after the next.  A sweet, numbing momentum took over and she stepped and she stepped and she stepped. ...moving forward toward her goal. By focusing on each step all distractions disappeared...she did not see the beautiful sunsets, she did not see the changing foliage, she did not hear the bird song above her head and she did not hear or see the suffering that was taking place all around her.  All she could see was her foot leading her to the next step and the next moment. On and on the numbing momentum continued.

Not able to move

But...one day, out of nowhere, the momentum stopped.  She suddenly found she  could move forward any more.  She looked up to find  herself standing in front of this massive ice  wall (I am watching "Game of Thrones" now so I am picturing the ice wall lol).   She looked up, up and up and could not find the top of the wall.  She looked to the east and she could not find the end of the wall.  She looked to the west and she could not find the end to the wall. The wall seemed tall, wide  and thick...impenetrable. She could not go forward any more.

Resisting what is

She panicked.  She didn't know what to do. Her children, like her, were weakened by the journey and were failing around her.  They needed the hope her special destination would offer.  She needed to get to the other side.  She needed to continue moving forward.  So cursing and grunting she threw herself into the wall with all her might.  She punched at it, she clawed at it, she pushed, and struggled and did whatever she could to resist the  barrier the wall had placed between her and her goal.  But atlas it was no use...bloodied and bruised, exhausted from the struggle she  slid down the wall and crumpled to the ground.

Patiently Waiting

"Patience," she told her children.  "We just have to be patient and wait." So she stared up at the massive wall and waited. She waited for the wall to move.  She waited for the wall to fall down.  She waited for the wall to melt. She waited for a thousand others in their white coats or money lending suits to come with their pick axes to tear the wall down for her.  She waited and waited and waited and nothing happened.

Meanwhile, her children grew up around her at the base of that massive wall. Weakened from the journey and the waiting, they seemed to need her even more  to fulfill the promise of getting them to a better place.

Why?

With head heavy with shame for bringing her children to this place of going nowhere...the aging woman cried out to the universe, "Why are you doing this to me?"  To which the response was silence and then more silence.

The  woman cried out in despair and threw herself against the wall again. Tearing and punching, pushing and clawing she  cursed the people who put their axes down after one or two half assed picks because the wall was just too big, or because they couldn't see it or because they felt she  didn't deserve their help. She cursed the universe. She cursed the wall for being in her  life.  She  cursed it for showing up on her path, preventing her from getting where she wanted to go. 

She struggled against it one last time before falling in a heap of exhausted flesh to the ground beside the wall. Fighting the wall, she sadly realized,  would not help her or her children...it only weakened her more.

What was she to do with this wall?

Building a Comfort Zone through Denial

She decided to  close her eyes and pretend it wasn't there.  Turning her back on the wall, she told herself, she was exactly where she wanted to be, that there was nothing behind her.  She built  a comfortable  base camp at the bottom of this massive wall for her and her children. She settled into it, making sure there was no windows available to view the obstacle behind her.  She and her children  hid there for what seemed like  along, long time and she even began to enjoy the safety of it. 

She had built a cozy comfort zone for her and her children to live in. She told others as they passed by, "This is where we want to be.  It is all good."

Is this living?

When the children, who were also beginning to settle in to the limited space, asked, "Is this it mother?  Is this living?", She just smiled and nodded her head but the question ate away at her insides.  "Is this living?"

As she was pondering this question, one day,  a wise old woman approached the camp asking for a few moments of shelter and rest inside the younger woman's comfort zone. She was welcomed in and was made comfortable near a place close to the fire.

The Questioning

"Why are you here and not on the other side of the wall?" the old woman asked.  The middle aged woman was stunned by the question.  She had almost forgotten there was a wall behind her.

"We are where we want to be," she responded. "The children and I are safe here."

The old wise woman just shook her head and said, "What is safe when you are not living?  You need to get beyond the wall. Your children need to experience life outside your comfort zone."

The younger woman was becoming a little rattled by the older lady's probing. "It is not like I haven't tried!  See the bruises and blisters I still have.  No one is helping me! I am too tired to climb up over that wall and I see no end to get around .  How do you expect me to get beyond it?  You see how big it is!  It is impenetrable."

To which the old lady, with  a smile on her face and understanding compassion in her eyes replied, "Fighting against the wall is futile, exhausting and painful as you have experienced.  Waiting for someone or something to make it all go away is a waste of time. Denying its presence as a barrier in your life doesn't help you either.  The wall exists and it is up to you to get beyond it. "

"I know it exists", she admitted. "It is blocking my way and why would I exhaust myself any further to go nowhere?"

The Need to Go through the Wall

"Because you are getting too comfortable here when living is beyond the wall.  You do not need to climb over it.  You do not need to find a way around it.  You simply have to go through it."

"What?...How am I to get through that?" the younger woman asked,  pointing in the direction of the wall.

Accepting and Experiencing what is

The old woman stood up and held out her hand to the younger woman. The younger woman was escorted outside the camp to the wall she had been refusing to look at for too long. The old lady encouraged her to look up at it and to feel it, to taste it, to smell it, to hear it crackle beneath the ear.

"This is 'what is' ", the old lady instructed.  "There is no escaping what is."

The Tiny shovel

Then she handed her a small silver shovel the size of a spoon and she said 'Dig!'

"What?  You expect me to dig my way through this massive wall with a bloody spoon? I will be here forever."

To which the older woman responded, "Maybe.  Dig!"

"I will exhaust myself in the process."

"Maybe. Dig!"

"How tedious and slow this process will be."

"Maybe!  Dig!"

No luggage required


"Well I better get our luggage at least."

"No" the old lady put her hand up. "That stays here.  What you carry of your own past, and what you carry for others is just an unnecessary load that weighs you down and serves no purpose.  You will not need what is in those cases when you are on the other side, just as you do not need them now. "

Allowing Others to find their own way through

"And what about my children?  I have to dig a hole for all of us to get through."

"No!" The older lady said with a note of knowing authority in her voice, "They each have their own spoons and their own load to carry.  You just focus on  getting  yourself through.  You will meet them on the other side when you have made your way through.  Just dig, one spoonful of ice wall at a time.."

Transcending, Emerging  and Thriving

So the middle aged woman and her children each dug their own ways through the wall one spoonful at a time, finding a sweet and healing momentum in the shovelling...With each spoonful of ice the woman put behind her, as tiny as the pile of effort was, she felt more alive and more on purpose.

She and her children  dug and they dug and they dug until they finally found themselves on the other side of a wall that once seemed impenetrable , more whole, more strong and more wise than they ever were before. 

The special Place is within us all

The woman discovered, much to her surprise, that the special place she longed to take her children to did not exist in some unknown place beyond the wall.    It was in her all along.  The wall just helped her to realize that.

The End!