My body is a wholly neutral thing.
-ACIM-W-294
The Health Category
I am still working on the exercise I started a few days ago and am surprised to see how stuck I am in the area of health.
In the health seeking sub category, I fear and strongly doubt I will ever get enough validation and support for anything my body does or doesn't do to make my circumstances improve. I have spent so many moments of so many years desperately praying for a diagnosis and treatment for my entire family to come through me. Countless hours of fruitless wishing. Now, I give up and when I give up I feel guilt because I know in my heart this is familial. I know what is physiologically happening to me and other family members...but...I cannot stand up anymore to the shaming, assumptions and judgments from the only people I was brought up to believe could help me. I give up on getting sufficient help from allopathic medicine. I will not seek help in that area anymore for my body, no matter how bad things get. I just see no point. There is a wall there and I don't want to even try to get through it anymore. I do fear to some degree what will happen to me and family members if I don't continue to step up with my complaints. At the same time I accept the consequences and take responsibility for my choices. I remind myself that I and I alone am responsible for my health.
In the mental health sub category...I know I am burnt out. I perceive that I " endured" much more stress than the average person can handle and I can not "fight" anymore. I have myself, as a result, curled up in my comfort zone with a blanket over my head. I am not dealing with life circumstances out there...pushing them all aside. Though I believe that to do lists are ego vices, I do know that to balance life out there with life in here...one has to do something from time to time. But I am not doing anything, it seems! I am not dealing with all that has to get done in a healthy way and I need help to do that.
On a Positive Note: I am Learning
As far as the physical...well I do my best to ignore my symptoms until they get loud enough that I can't. Then I try to find the learning in them.
An amazing thing has happened to me in this regard. I realize that I have learned to detach from periods of physical pain and discomfort and see it as only happening to my body and not to who I really am. ...just my body. This detachment changes the whole experience. I no longer become the pain or other symptoms as I used to do. I just observe it. I can't explain that too much because there are no words to give this experience justice, but it is a very powerful learning and experience.
Though I still fear what might happen to me to some degree, I experience much less fear than I used to because I truly no longer see my body as me either. I do not identify with my body in that way anymore. "I am not sick. I never was." Whatever happens to my body is not really happening to me. My body is not in the greatest functioning condition maybe, but I am not my body. I truly see it only as an instrument to help me do what I am here to do.
I do not panic over what is happening to it or what could happen to it. I think I could get any diagnosis right now and be perfectly okay with it. I would simply see it as someone's assessment findings...just like I am told by my mechanic what is wrong with my car. If I took it to a different mechanic I might get a totally different assessment. (I have seen so many mechanics over the years with so many different opinions that ironically led to a 'nothing's wrong' as my body was towed out and away from sight.)
So my thinking is, "Why bother taking it in especially when I won't get one answer and therefore one solution to the problem. Besides I cannot afford to pay for it ?" lol. I have been paying too much in terms of energy, shaming, assumptions that led to negative life consequences and for what...a bunch of different opinions that did not change the way my body acted one bit. (Oh that sounds like a grievance...the medication I am on now does make a difference and there were physicians who also impacted my life positively...excuse the grievous nature of the statement.)
It's not me that feels the pain, that wants to faint, that huffs and puffs its way through the day...just my body. I mean I do not want it to be unwell. I don't want it to konk out on me anytime soon either lol...I realize, however, I have little control in that area and I have little control over any 'mechanics' opinion of it. I don't need the mechanics any more to tell me what is or isn't wrong with this instrument. I don't need their opinions and judgments. I just need to accept the experience of being in this vehicle as long as I can be. Hopefully it will be long enough to make even a slight impact on the world in a positive way.
How's that for learning?
Its[the body's]neutrality protects it while it has a use. and after wards, without a purpose, it is laid aside. It is not sick, nor old, nor hurt. It is but functionless, unneeded and cast off. Let me not see it more than this today; of service for a while and fit to serve, to keep its usefulness while it can serve, and then to be replaced for greater good.
ACIM-W-294:1:5-10
It's all good.
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