Learning from Activation of Pain Body

Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.

-Eckhart Tolle

All Set to Let Go

I am all set to Let go!  I embrace the idea of it. I am in the process of giving up on all the stressors in my life, and miraculously things start to turn around. My loved one with depression has a few much improved days, and another's financial issue gets resolved (with more than a little help from me...I may not be overly assertive when it comes to dealing with my own issues but when it comes to my children...I am a Mama Bear...watch out lol).

More Learning Challenges

I was feeling peace and a relief of circumstantial heaviness as a result .  It was a wonderful feeling that lasted for a day or two...such a welcomed reprieve.  Then Bam! On a day  I am feeling 'physically unwell,'  I find evidence of  addiction induced semi- criminal behaviour in a loved one who ended up under my roof...again... and ...and I have to kick them out...again. I, not everyone maybe, feels an addict has to be held accountable for all behaviour if there is any hope for recovery (and there is always hope)...especially the criminal stuff. I am firm with that.  

At the same time I am dealing with that I get a call from my youngest daughter that she was in an accident .  No one was hurt physically...thank God...but she was quite shaken up.  She totalled the car that was registered and insured under my name. Did I even make my last insurance payment? My heart sank to my knees.

The Return of Ego

Ego just had a field day with me last evening..."Really?  Like...Really?"  I found myself looking up again.  (Why do we look up? lol  Why do we assume that the Divine place with all the answers and miracle inducing capability, as well as all the power for punishment,  is somewhere "up there"?  Even if Heaven was 'up ' we are circling around on an axis...where is up?  Anyway...I digress. )

Ego took over and man was I feeling the effects of S-T-R-E-S-S.  I wasn't fit for company.  I was throwing around a bunch of , "Can you believe this?" and "Why me?'" like crazy.  I was convinced, utterly convinced, in some part under my skull that I was 'cursed'.  I had to be. Or I was really, really bad in some other life time and I was living out some pretty nasty karma.  I was a mad woman.

The Pain Body

Everything I learned to date about not being my life events went out the window.  I was them.  They were me...and I was pissed! No one, no one better tell me to calm down when I am feeling that way, let me tell ya, even though it is exactly what I needed to do. My physical symptoms become very aggravated by emotional stress and tension!

Ego didn't care what was happening in my body. Drama came pouring through the gates  and I clung to it and I flung it around like the monkeys in my mind were flinging around their crap.  I was a mess for a couple of hours, lost in what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body.

Why was I a mess? 

Once again, I confused Life with life events.  Once again, I confused who I really was with this ego of mine, this 'pain body' of mine . These were challenging things to deal with by themselves.  They didn't need ego's interference to make them worse.  If I could have stepped by as the objective observer instead of jumping right in...I would have felt much better.

I let the 'story' get to me...I got lost in it, too identified with it. And these situations  are just parts of a story.  That is what I keep forgetting.  It is just story.  It can be read, observed, felt and expressed but it isn't me. I don't need the drama...and though ego loves it...I don't want it! I have the choice, to simply step back and observe it.

A Little Help is Sometimes Required

The pain body activation taught me something. I am not going to be able to manage all this on my own. My external stressors are too much right now and my little human brain will not absorb much more.  I need help...probably should have gotten it long ago.

 I was reluctant to because I thought I could handle all the things that were landing on my lap  in a 'spiritual' way rather than a 'psychological'.  I strongly, strongly believe that every problem has a spiritual solution. Letting Go.   I will find the means to do so and live that freedom  but maybe...just maybe I need some help sorting out my external stressors, at least enough so that I can become aware of the beliefs behind my response/reaction to them.  I am still clinging to ego induced pain and reaction and resisting peace to some degree.  I  need a little help in letting it all go. There is no shame in that.

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, you want to suffer pain or both.  There really isn't much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this , of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will find that your thinking and behaviour are designed to keep the pain going. for yourself and others. If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane.
-Eckhart Tolle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ32Qycyrww

For a few moments (more than a few lol)  I liked being the tragic heroine in yet another life drama. I wanted the drama.  I got lost in it. What I learned though, through my experience last evening...is that when I can see the pain body in action, step back to watch it, accept it for what it is...it seems to dissolve into nothing.

The moment  you observe it[the pain body], feel its energy field within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken. The higher dimension of consciousness has come in.  I call it presence. You are now the witness or the watcher of the pain body...This means it can not use  you anymore by pretending to be you.  Eckhart Tolle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ32Qycyrww

All is well in my world.