For Your Voice will tell me what to do and where to go; to whom to speak and what to say to him, what thoughts to think, what words to give the world. ACIM-W-275:2:3
I Don't Know What to 'Do'
I don't know why I am here.
And I don't know what to do 'out there' ( by that I mean this messy world around me :)) I don't know how to fix the things that are broken (if they are broken). I do not know where to begin to put things back into order if this is indeed chaos. I don't know what I am supposed to do, to say, or to give to my children, my loved ones, a reader, the world or this tiny little pile of flesh and bones I over identify with. (Some may argue about the 'tiny' descriptor I am using lol). In fact...I don't know anything any more, if I ever did!
That's a strange sensation...to realize one doesn't know anything but at the same time it is quite freeing. Needing to know what to do, where to go, what to say and to whom, what to think...are all about me and this isn't about 'me'. Is it? This idea of 'me' besides being so darned exhausting, just gets in the way of me doing what I am here to do. (And I don't know what that is)
Gut -Thing lol)
I come here to the page because I hear that Voice to some degree. I am definitely not saying I am having a divine calling, that I am channelling or having auditory hallucinations...I am just saying I feel a gentle call for 'inspired action' that brings me here....a gut thing. I do not understand it.
The Ease of Here
Maybe my writing here is just some form of addiction, some numbing activity that keeps me away from dealing with the life events going on around me. Maybe it is an excuse, a form of rationalization so I can feel like I am doing and accomplishing "something' when I feel 'useless' and unproductive out there. There is a certain ease, a certain flow...a certain order to Life that transpires so effortlessly while I am here. It is so much easier being here than it is out there.
Not What 'me' Wants
It is not what my little 'me' wants though....far from it. This idea I have of myself does want to write and play with words but it wants to write 'normal' stuff...fiction and psychology books based on science and years of other-expressed philosophy. It wants to teach but in the classroom like most 'normal' people. (Man...I miss my Anatomy classes). It also wants recognition and praise for what I do...money lol... which would require more readership. This little 'me', this ego, this idea I have of myself...doesn't want me stepping out in to the unknown like this, risking social rejection and failure by writing about such a delicate and controversial thing that I absolutely have no expertise in, no mastery of.
Besides the kind comments from a reader or two I have no idea how it is being received by the world or if it is even being received. I imagine there is a lot of , "Who the %^&* does she think she is writing about this stuff. Is she odd or what?" To which I would have to honestly answer, "I don't know who I am and yes I am definitely odd because I can't seem to help doing what I am doing." It really is beyond me.
Sigh! The biggest concern of mine lately is what type of example am I setting for my children when they see me here. Do they see someone who is passionately driven by a creative force and will they be inspired to listen to their own inner callings despite what society deems as appropriate? Or will they see a lazy, unproductive someone running away from the world, from doing, from Life and learn to do the same?
I don't know! I don't know anything! Yet here I am.
I need to meditate on this and pray on this and then we will see what the future holds for me and this blog. Chances are I will be back. I have been here before, haven't I? Many times, I have asked the same questions, taken a break and have come back. Something keeps pulling me back in again and again...Something much bigger than 'me'.
All is well!
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