There is only one thing better than "I am bad" or "I am good" and that is ''I am".
-Adyashanti, Welcome to Awakening
Enlightenment doesn't always feel good!
Many of us have this 'idea' that enlightenment is supposed to make us feel good about ourselves. We assume it will be like one of those ego quests we go on, the kind I wrote about in the previous blog: "I will feel good when I wake up, find God and discover who I truly am."
I don't know about the rest of you but I am not having a whole lot of fun right now. I am not feeling good! I am a mess and I am not even there yet. What will I be like when I do get there and recognize who I truly am? I have a feeling that the closer I get, the less fun it will be?
Enlightenment, I am discovering the hard way, isn't going to make me feel good about myself. It is going to make me realize just how insignificant this idea of 'feeling good' is and most awkwardly, how insignificant this 'me' is. Feeling good about the self is just an idea. "Me' is just an idea and whatever I thought me was...is crumbling into a thousand pieces around me.
It feels awful, most of the time. I am confused, disorientated and trying desperately to make sense of things. It is like I am stepping off a plane in a foreign country with massive jetlag. I have some place really important to get to but I don't know how to get there. On top of that I am trying to communicate to others that I need directions but the language I came off the plane with doesn't work here. Nothing I brought with me, works anymore.
Getting there
Still... I have to go through the activities of daily living until I figure out how to get to this place. It is like starting over. Everyone and everything is so strange all of a sudden. I am so strange. People are looking at me like I am more than a little 'cra-cra'. lol
I want to turn around and hop right back on the plane that took me here but I know I can't. I have come too far. I have no choice but to make my way through the strangeness to this inevitable destination. That's it too...the destination is inevitable.
Adyashanti in his video Welcome to Awakening, teaches that "Enlightenment is a sealed deal. It is inevitable." At some point we are all going to have to face the truth of who we really are. There is no escaping true Self-realization and that is the destination we are all headed in whether we know it or not. So I can't turn back even though part of me wants to. The airplane has already left the tarmac.
So what do I do? What do we do when we get this far and can't go back? The lessons from ACIM tell us what we must do at this point. We do not need to take another step. We just wait for the Destination to come to us.
No step remains for time to separate from its accomplishment. For now we cannot fail. Sit silently and wait upon your Father. He has willed to come to you when you have recognized it is your will He do so. And you could have never come this far unless you saw, however dimly, that it is your will.
-ACIM-W:Part II: Intro:5:3-7
We really have to go no where. We do not need to strive towards being good (more spiritual and enlightened) or push away from being bad (egoic and sinful). We just need to be. And in being, everything else is irrelevant
Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still.
-ACIM-W:221
All is well in my world!
References:
ACIM
Adyashanti Welcome to Awakening https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJx12H9TxM
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