Not like other people

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/emraan_hashmi_623558?src=t_be_yourself)


I am so not like other people and find it hard to maintain the appearance that is expected of us social beings in a socialized world.  I see what is expected of 'me'. I even try at times to maintain that expectation or at least an appearance of it but atlas...I am not like other people. My living environment, my present life situation, my parenting and my adherence to social etiquette (or lack of ) will reflect that. It sometimes brings me shame.

My living environment is not like other peoples'

The homes of beloved friends and welcoming neighbors that I visit tend to be perfectly  well maintained with concern expressed about missing a puppy nose print or two on a glass door...where as I have gauges out of walls from overexcited dogs and I have not been able to clean my windows for years ( literally).

Wonderful gourmet like dishes are prepared and set out for brunch where as if someone visited me I 'd be like..."I can put on a pot of KD if you like but I have to check to see if I have milk."

Some show concern for an ant or two travelling across their floor when I literally have six foot  spider webs ( with inch- matching spiders) all around my eaves trough peering in at us as we eat. (I won't harm them ).

Their lawns and gardens are beautiful, meticulously maintained  havens I want to get lost in...whereas at my house, when people come they are met with tall, unkempt grasses surrounding my dying deck and they must watch for piles of dog poop as they make their way through the "Trailer Park Boys" obstacles that lead to my broken doorway.

Their renovations are professionally and beautifully done ...whereas mine...when I get around to it...are somewhat sloppy DIY's that take months to complete and leave a lot to be desired. (Well my daughter's contribution is bang on whereas I don't seem to care too much about mine.)

They are proud of their beautiful environments as they should be...where as I am ashamed of mine and avoid having people over.  (I still have an ego). I have piles of laundry I can not get around to putting away and tumbleweed sized fur balls from our large number of pets floating around. (Poor old Roomba has dementia and does nothing but forget where he is going and always seems to be finding his way home...so no room ever gets completed) My environment reflects that I am not like other people.

I often ask why do I live like this?  Why do I not have the oompf to put more into creating a domestic haven for Don, my children and myself? Why don't I care enough about my house or things?  What is wrong with me? My environment is chaotic so I must be??

My life situation is not like other peoples'

My present life situation reflects the same.  I listen to people talking about the very common worry of  trudging through their workdays to get to retirement and to the possibility of having to go past that "drudgery" until they can pay for the renovations they made on their houses. When asked what I will do as I am no longer working ...I answer "I don't know.  I haven't a clue."

 I don't know how I will survive financially; what I will do to get by...tomorrow ..let alone when I am 65. And it is not really worrying me lol.  I have lost so much of the things others take for granted and I  no longer blame others for it, dwell on it, or feel that loss to the extent others think I should.  It's like, "Oh well. It is what it is. My youngest is all taken care of for this year, the others are working. It doesn't matter what happens to 'me'...I need so little."

And in society's terms I now have so little.  No job...which is such a big thing in today's society; no title...lost that; no professional identity, no money left in my bank account, let alone  in savings or investments; and no 'plan'.  And I just shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know what I will do."
Because I don't and the craziest thing is I am not worried about it. 

I watch others as I respond and I can see things crossing their faces, "She is absolutely nuts! She should be terrified...what is wrong with her! ? Man...why is she doing this?  Does she have to do this?  I have this, that or the other thing going on in my body and I am still working everyday.  Is she lazy or crazy?   Oh well...it is her problem...not going to worry about it." And the subject gets changed much to my relief. I do feel shame because I am not like other people.

Why don't I care about retirement, about my savings, about the prospect of losing more?  Why don't I worry about not having an income again especially when I have already endured months without one before and know how hard it is?  Why do I not see work as such an important component to living as they do? What is wrong with me?

My parenting experiences are not like other peoples'

My children reflect that I am not like other people. I feel great shame, at times, when it comes to my parenting when I allow ego to play the comparison game. Ego still likes to slap me around a bit with its reprimands, "How could you do this to your kids?  Why didn't you suck it all up and keep going , pretending everything was fine? Why didn't you keep up on the household maintenance and work harder at getting past your symptoms so they could have a 'normal' mom.  They made the choices they did because of you...you crazy, mixed up woman.  You were never like other parents. Look at your friends children...they have phDs and fancy jobs.  They are successful and look perfect.  Your kids, on the other hand, struggled because you had the audacity to leave your husband, be so different in your approach to life, and then admit out loud to getting sick.  How could you?" I feel shame and I blame myself for the pain my children endured.

Don't get me wrong.  I am so very, very proud of all my children though society may tell me at times, I shouldn't be.  I have no children with graduate degrees or fancy jobs...but I have children who are kind, loving and though they are often lost on their way...resonate with a certain emotional intelligence I see in so few people today. My children never stayed on the straight and easy path but I feel tremendous pride when I see what they learned from going down those challenging roads, how they staid loving and kind despite the painful process of coming back.  My heart swells every time I witness them making  life choices, however small,  that benefit them and the world.  I have some that are so close to awakening...and I am like...wow...that will make all the worry, the fearful nights, the challenges worth while. I am so very proud of my children but ashamed, sometimes, of myself for not being more like others so that I could have made it easier for them.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I get excited about proms and parties like others do?  Why do I not make a bigger effort to socialize with other parents and do the volunteer thing others do?  Why don't I push harder to make my kids meet the social milestones I am told they need to meet? Why do the small things my children do that  no one seem to notice make me so happy while what some would consider to be "big mistakes" brush off me so easily? What is wrong with me?

My social skills are not like other peoples'

I also lack the expected  social skills. Though I have always been a great listener, I have never been one for mingling or small talk and avoid those awkward situations as much as I can.  I prefer to speak when I have something important to say or to hear what I believe to be truly important. I try to speak truth.  I stay away from people who I feel "off" when I am around them. Though I try to avoid being hostile in any way, I cannot pretend to like the personalities or behaviours of others when I don't.

Egos scare me. That leads to awkward social interactions where my own ego makes its appearances again and again much to my embarrassment.  I am much more peaceful and 'true' when I am alone or in the company of animals.  That leads to awkward social interaction and a lack of appropriate social etiquette on my part. Backwards!!!! lol

Why can I not just relax when I am around others?  Why can't I mingle with comfort and do the small talk thing? Why am I so aware(and afraid) of other egos and my own? Why do I avoid people and social situations?  Why do I prefer to be alone?  What is wrong with me?

Taking Ownership

So I am not like other people and I often wonder what is wrong with me.  Sometimes that brings shame.  Especially as I take ownership of my life and everything in it, realizing that I created it all to some extent. I won't blame my circumstances on life situations I cannot change...I now know I can change everything with the right change of mind. My health, my circumstances can change and I am responsible for any lack there of.

At the same time, I realize that shame is uncalled for and is all ego's doing. There is nothing wrong with who I really am.  This idea I have of me...is just that "an idea" and it is not who I am. 

People my glance in at my life right now...and see my living environment, my life circumstances, my parenting and my social interaction and put the big fingered "L" to their foreheads, "Loser!"  They may say.  That's okay.  It really is.  I know the only judgment they make and the only shame I feel is ego's doing. 

Most importantly, I know it is because of this present set of situations in my life that I am coming to know the truth of Who I really am...and there is no room for  comparison there, there is no need to be like other people.  It is all good!

How awesome is that?