Cyclone

 

Cyclone

It lands in the center of my chest,

like a column of swirling wind,

a vortex of   howling frenzy

sucking away the quiet moments of my life.

 

The 'me' I once thought I was

is suddenly

extracted from the delusion

that I am securely rooted in the

quaking earth beneath my feet.

 

I reach out desperately for something to cling to

but atlas, all that I once knew to be real

vanishes like wisps of smoke

when I wrap my fingers around it.

There is nothing of form to hold onto

and my legs are pulled from beneath me.

 

I am carried towards the eye of the storm.

The force of  the winds  contractions

clutches my heart making

me cry out for the breath

that persistently eludes me.

 

Memories  whirl past.

I watch helplessly

as scattered moments of pain and frustration

bump into the fragile, broken parts

of my childrens' innocence,

threatening to destroy what remains.

I lean forward to protect it but

the gale force is too strong.

Its hand, placed aggressively on my sternum,

pushes me back and away

as  the cries for "Mommy"

become faint whispers of "I don't care anymore."

 

I see her face caught up in the storm's chaos.

 I want to get to her

so I can wrap my arms around her,

soothe her pain,

tell her how  I'll miss her

but the swirling frenzy inside and around me

leaves my limbs heavy,

making every movement difficult.

It keeps us apart.

 

I see the desk and  phone

I once occupied,

floating past.

The smiling  and fearful faces of those I lectured to

becoming foggy images before disappearing into the vortex.

They, like so much of what I identified myself with,

are  being swept up by the destructive

nature of the cyclone.

I am losing what I thought I was.

 

 

 

I hear their voices echoing through the moving air

telling me there

is no reason why I can't weather this storm better.

I reach down to the white coated figures with arms

heavy with fatigue,

my weak cries being drowned out by the howling wind.

They quickly glance up and duck away

but they don't see me.

They half-heartedly scribble something 

on their little green pads

as they talk back and forth amongst themselves about my case.

The pieces of paper get tossed  into the atmosphere's in drawing breath

with careless gestures.

I scramble to grasp the slips

in hope they are maps

showing me the way out of this mess

but atlas they are just meaningless markings

and useless trinkets meant to pacify.

Wispy figures of shame lurk in the storm's shadows.

They grab  me by the neck and wrists strangling,

pulling me away

from those I am told have the answers.

 

 

 

Then when I think I can bare no more

I am squeezed through the tiny

opening in the center of the whirlwind.

I am painfully pulled, twisted,  pushed.

All parts of me that do not matter

 are scraped from the surface in the process.

 By the time I am through this

small gap in space

I am raw and numb.

It is too much for my mind and body to bare and

I collapse into a state of nothingness.

 

When I awake I find myself  in a place

where there is no movement

or growling wind,

just perfect calm and stillness.

I breathe a  breath of real life.

My chest, with the heaviness gone,

welcomes the air,

drinking it up like a thirsty dessert traveler

who has finally found the oasis.

I am released from the hands of shame as

glorious light melts the shadow fingers that hold me back

into tiny drops of nothing.

 

 

For the first time in my temporary human existence

there is no quavering,

not even a rumble in the earth beneath my feet.

I  stand strong and stable

for doubt has been replaced by faith,

despair with hope

fear with love.

In the center of this storm

I find His perfect peace.

 

From this place

I realize

I have the power to make the winds disperse,

the earth settle,

the body  heal

and the pieces of my life to fall in perfect order...

His order.

And I need do nothing.

Copyright Dale-Lyn 2011

 

 

 

I wrote this back when  the symptoms of my 'condition' hit me like a cyclone and I was forced to go off work.  At the time I also had some scary maternal issues to deal with and a sister diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I felt so 'sick' but I couldn't find anyone to help me(clear diagnosis and support). It seemed like such an awful time...but I knew then, throughout all the chaos, that this cyclone  was taking me somewhere. It is taking me somewhere and I am so very grateful.

All is well!