-ACIM-W-236
Ego is so sneaky! It is determined to tell a story that makes heroines out of us be they glorious or tragic. :)
The Sneaky Ego!
It snuck in yesterday with that big long rampage to tell such a story and do so under the guise of relating and inspiring. It's major objective, however, was to tell a sad tale about my previous set of circumstances in order to rationalize why I am stuck and to ask for pity, as well as forgiveness.lol Man...it even had me fooled that there were higher motives involved.
Tricky!
Yesterday's blog entry was a good example of the common rally between the Redeemer and Shamer ego in the human mind set. I have often written about these ego twins as I have come to understand them. I have learned a lot from watching them in my own life. I even subdued them both to a great extent but it is so interesting to see them coming out again and again to play with my peace of mind lol. Each time I witness their competing behaviours I have to come to terms with the fact...that "Nope! Not there yet!"
The Ego Twins
There is only one Ego with two apparent components. Shamer Ego shames us to keep us small and retracted so it can control us. Redeemer ego redeems us from such shame. It appears to become the saviour so we will trust it . It can then control us. As long as these two are rallying back and forth ego is strong and active. The Ego/monkey mind appears to be in control.
I have been feeling Shamer ego taking over as I look about my "circumstances" and environment and take ownership for it. I know I somehow created it. "The outside world is based in your thoughts and mental attitude. The entire world is your own projection." (Satchidananda, pg 5). My health, my house, my finances, my parenting situations are in a sense a reflection of what I got going on in this head of mine. I own it all. So every now and again I get consumed by shame especially when I see how different I am from others.
So Shamer ego wants me to feel shame. It taunts and teases, points and hisses at what I appear to have going on around me. Sadly, I give into shame more than I would like to.
Redeemer Ego
But of course once Shamer is activated, Redeemer wants to rally back. My Redeemer ego pretty much wrote what I wrote yesterday. It painted a long winded tale about how different I am from others with the pretense of doing so for the benefit of others but it was just redeeming the little 'me' as it sought relief from shame. It wanted to create a better more socially acceptable 'idea of me' after Shamer did a great job tearing one down by pointing out how socially unacceptable I was. In order to redeem status as heroine to this story I created, it used my blog.
Ego believes, it can redeem 'me' to the level of other egos through creating a heroine or a victim of me. If I can get people to see 'me' as the glorious heroine: strong, more evolved than others, and able to endure all types of life's 'unfairness' or the tragic heroine: pitiful and remorseful through confessing my 'sins', than ego will be redeemed to state of social acceptance . Well that is what this ego and this idea of me tells me.lol,
The Part that Knows Better
Part of me knows better. Part of me knows that I am perfect beneath all this seeming imperfection the mind creates. Part of me knows that who I am cannot be shamed or redeemed. It just is!
This wise part of me, that isn't ego, also knows that I have control over my mind and I must rule it better if I want to change my circumstances. I want to change my circumstances so I have to be a little stricter with these disobedient twins. Or ...more likely...I need to detach from them to some degree; I need to just let them be until they tire themselves out :) I can do this. After all, I rule my mind...and I alone must rule it.
I have a kingdom I must rule. At times, it does not seem I am its king at all. It seems to triumph over me, and tell me what to think, and what to do and feel. And yet it has been given me to serve whatever purpose I perceive it in. My mind can only serve. (ACIMW- 236: 1: 1-5).
Monkey Mind or a Serving Mind?
These are my twins shortly after their second birthday 21 years ago. It may look like poor parenting and a lack of care for environment but back then I was nothing but devoted. :)
Together and at the same time they discovered how to get out of their cribs in the middle of the night...remove everything from the toy box, change table, drawers, windows (curtains and blinds) and closet. They literally tore the place apart almost every night and we never slept for almost five months because of these antics. They would eventually tire themselves out and make little beds for themselves on the floor where they would crash and so would we. :)
Back then I thought I was going to go crazy because of their never ending antics and my severe sleep deprivation (I was also pregnant at the time of their night time adventures) but now I look back at that time and laugh. I laugh!
Maybe we will all be able to do that when we master our own monkey minds, and allow our ego twins to tire out on their own. Maybe we can then look back at the illusionary experiences they created as nothing but comical. Maybe "ruling" is more about detachment and acceptance than controlling?
Wouldn't that be great?
How sweet and innocent these twins are when they are the ones sleeping and we are the ones awake! : )
All is well.
References
ACIM
Sri swami Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral yoga Press
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