Whatever will be , will be.

Que sera sera;  Whatever will be will be ; The future is not ours to see...Que sera sera
-Doris Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azxoVRTwlNg)

 

and

....and truth must shine in us as one...
ACIM-W-243:2:3

Man...I want that truth to shine in me and the whole world so that all the dark thoughts that lead to dark choices and behaviours just melt away.  :)

Been away from this and my peaceful pursuits over the last few days because of some life situations. I've been feeling a wee bit stressed too and that always sets things off in the body with those little microvascular spasms (my diagnosis anyway :)).  All good though.  I am here now and now is all there is.  :) I am actually feeling peace.

There is a trick to surviving life situations that the mind judges as "bad", "unfair", "dark," "heavy and "problematic".  It is simply to go to the mind and relieve it of its judgments.  Life is neither bad or good...it just is.  Life situations are not our lives.  Life is beneath all that and untouched by it.  We are not our life situations, we are Life!.

As I witness people I love struggling with some big "judgments" about their lives that lead to choices and behaviours that keep them caught in this vicious mental cycle, I realize how off their perceptions are.  I see how they are mixing up the situations with the life.  I want so badly for them to see and know that they are doing this.  I also know that they will not hear any of what I have  to say until they are ready...if they will ever be ready.  I must just sit and support and do my best to remain peaceful and calm so that they have at least that energy around them.  Hmmm!

Life has so much to offer and sometimes we only see what is right in front of our bodies, perceiving it and understanding it to be all there is because that is what our sense register.  We get stuck in or on one situation and cannot see around it.  Maybe that will change if we can only affirm and believe:
I will not think that I already know what must remain beyond my present grasp.  I will not think that I understand the whole from bits of my perception, which are all that I can see.  Today I recognize that this is so.  And so I am relieved of judgments that I cannot make.  Thus do I free myself and what I look upon, to be in peace as God created us. ACIM-W-243:1:2-6

It's all good.

Oh Squiggly Lines

Oh squiggly lines,

oh flashing sparkling head worms

squirming and sliming  

through my moment so unexpectedly,

I curse you for your obstructive presence

and for the dark demanding silhouettes

you leave like cellar doors between me

and the world I look upon.

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh playful acrobats of light

tumbling and rolling

through my now blurry images

stealing the show away from the words I am reading

and the  images I am trying to decipher,

in my fear and my surprise,

I plead with you to make this vibrating earth

still again

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh photogenic players of the opening act

introducing and welcoming

the  darkness that will  soon descend

upon half of this stage

like a heavy velvet curtain,

I call out for you to stop

but you can not hear me over the

sound of my thumping heart's applause.

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh masters of illusion and deception,

what truth lay hidden beneath your show of light?

What secrets do you point to

beyond the closing curtain

and what message do you wish to leave me,

your humbled audience with? 

 

Oh squiggly lines,

show me what

I really need to see.

 

Dale-Lyn November 2014

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.
-Jonathon Swift (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/seeing)


The vision started to go on me again today.  The squiggly lines appeared and I thought crap...those big dark patches would soon be coming to take away parts of my visual field. 

I often get what has been called ocular migraines without headache. Minor and benign but what a nuisance.  I hate seeing worse than I see now even if it is only for less than an hour at a time.   The first few times it happened it really freaked me out but though I still don't like them...I have finally  learned to  just buckle down and prepare for the attacks, grateful for the warning that comes  with the squiggly lines.  Whatever they are...there is learning in them.  

I mean, I am not "sure" they are ocular migraines. It was just a "guess" from my optometrist that these attacks were actually ocular migraines.   That diagnosis makes sense to me, though.   I can even see the 'pathophysiological' cause of them: microspasms in the optic vessels.  Microspasms, I believe are the cause of my chest pain as well...and the cause of my cold hands and the Raynauds.  It all makes sense to me if not to any one else. "Stress" often brings them on like it does the chest pain...and I have been 'feeling' stressed over teh last few days in reaction to my life events.

Anyway... the spasms are something I anticipate as soon as the squiggly lines appear in my optic field. I prepare for losing my vision. I begin to depend on my other senses and an even deeper mechanism for seeing. That's what I did today and that is the point of my rambling

I sink deeper into a certain level of learning every time I experience them or any other alterations in my physical senses. I am reminded again and again there is another deeper sense of perceiving that goes beyond the body's five limited senses.  What this special mechanism of sight  sees goes way beyond what our eyes see.

In fact,   our eyes are only what ACIM refers to as a mechanism of illusion...they deceive us by allowing us to see a world that isn't real. Our eyes point us away from reality but we do not need squiggly lines to remember how fleeting and limited our senses are, how physical world dependent  they are,  or how unreal so many things in this world are.

We can tap into this other form of sight.   to see what is real. We can redirect our vision.  As sight was made to lead away from truth, it can be redirected. (ACIM-W-3What is the world?:4:1) I waited for my sight to be redirected when I first noticed the squiggly lines.  As it happened so today.. the patches didn't come.  :) I didn't have to lose my sight to remember what sight is.  :)

It is all good!  All is well in my world.

What's in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name will smell as sweet.
-William Shakespeare https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/william_shakespeare_125207

I used the G. word yesterday and I do understand how that word makes people uncomfortable. For some it speaks of religiosity and a metaphysical reality they may not subscribe to or want to tap into.  For others it speaks of a specific reverence that should not be used indiscreetly by people who do not revere in the same way they do.  And for many it has a specific relatable connotation and image attached to it that can easily be misunderstood and misused by others.  Therefore, it is a tricky word to use.

But the thing is...it is just a word!  It is just a name that does little justice to what is "meant" by it. did you know that there are many names other than this one used to describe the same thing?  In the Christian Bible alone there are many.  The Bible Encyclopedia stretches it a bit to say there are 956 names in the Bible alone.( https://christiananswers.net/dictionary/namesofgod.html) This doesn't count the other names used by other religions in other scriptures. The point is...it is just a name.

I am not saying that the essence, the Being...the meaning symbolized by the word is insignificant but the word is just a word. The name is just a label. As is the thought or "idea' attached to it in most of our minds. What It means or is, few of us really know and can describe with other words.  Yet we use one word and say "Aweeee...be careful with how you use it!"

This one three letter word itself causes so much controversy and concern. And when used as I used it yesterday may cause furrowed brows or raised eye brows above rolling eyes.

I may be perceived as completely crazy or weird for tapping into that word so flippantly and using it in an everyday blog entry as part of my everyday experience.  Using it in the way I did takes us way beyond the physical doesn't it, to something we cannot see or understand, to that realm where the crazy esoterically delusional  people go? It pulls us away from 'sensible' reality where people are just trying to get through their work day or to pay their mortgages. It takes us away from what most people would label as the only reality.

So it must be a "mental illness" or some strange quirk in  personality leading someone to discuss such things. Right? To use that word almost a dozen times in one blog entry means I am really "cra-cra!"

 Let's face it, people label when they are uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable dealing with weird, strange, different people or those who have a mental illness. My entry yesterday may have made people uncomfortable for that reason.  It is much easier to put the "weirdo" assumption on me than it is to deal with any possible truth hidden in my use of the word or what it triggers beyond the fear.

Or the reaction may be one of anger and condemnation.  "How dare she?"  My use of the word may differ from others' conditioned understanding of it or the images it creates in their minds when they use it. My use of it may be perceived as blasphemous or a blatant disregard for the reverence of it that others place on it. Every religious belief has a specific way of using that word and visualizing the meaning of it. Using it the way I did may be in the so called "New-thought" way may be perceived as  not only disrespectful of the imagined Being  behind the word but also of them...those who adhere to their conditioned beliefs. So many wars were based on trying to maintain this specific reverenced image the word symbolizes , weren't there?

It is a tricky word to use and the subject related to it is something people would rather not hear about anywhere but in the places where they spend their Sabbath day worship and only from ordained people given the right and honored distinction to use it. They definitely do not want to hear it from  "strange, mentally ill blasphemers" who write blog entries about the crazy notion of "waking up". How dare I?

Still I used it and I will continue to use it knowing full well the limitations of it. This word doesn't have the capability to describe and define the magnitude of the It  or the I Am...behind it.  No word does. But when I use it people, at least, know that I am talking about something amazing, divine, mysterious, invisible, powerful, and Life giving. I am talking about the "Everything" that creates "Everything".

So I use it and accept the rap for doing so.  It is definitely not my intention to disrespect "God" or others' belief systems and ideologies.  It is only my intention to understand what and who God really is.  This is how I do that!!

All is well.

Note:  I probably won't leave this up for long!

See the Light flowing through you! (A little Wisdom from Genevieve Behrend)

Quietly contemplate the Divine Spirit as a continual flowing of Life, Light, Intelligence, Love and Power, and you will find this current flowing through you and manifesting in a hundred ways, both mentally and physically, in your affairs. (Behrend, Attaining Your Desires Pg 37)

 

Think of  Light

Hmm!  I find that when I am a bit down, as I admittedly have been, thinking about God's Light flowing through me, allowing me to  create better circumstances for myself and others certainly brings me up  quickly! I am not sure if that idea is appeasing ego more than spirit but it works lol!  And since it is all about 'feeling better' I will do as suggested by this early 20th century philosopher who helped to introduce this idea of 'manifesting' way before The Secret was even a seed in Rhonda Byrnes's mind.  I will think of God's Light in me. 

Seeing God in a new way

That changes my preconceived and conditioned ways of looking at God.  I , like many of you, was brought up to see God in a 'physical form', typically as an old father figure with a long white beard and  a fiery temper. He was someone to worship, obey and fear from a great distance away. 

Seeing Him as something without physical form (or gender) but as a continual flowing of Life, Light, Intelligence, Love and Power..." took some time.  It is, however, an understanding that sits much better in my mind and more importantly  in my  heart.  When I contemplate this I feel so much peace and connection to my Source. Not only that...I come to realize that that current of Divine 'energy' is flowing through me as it flows through all of God's creations.

Being Worthy

Now I was brought up Catholic where everything was considered a "mortal sin".  In fact, I remember even as a child hearing or judging my friends or siblings for saying the Lord's name in vain with this too often heard mantra like condemnation, "You have a mortal Sin on Your Soul! You know where you will be going...." Imagine if I were to tell my catechism friends back then, "I have God inside me!" Months in the confessional and years saying the rosary...would not wipe me clean in their eyes.

To say God was close to me was blasphemous enough...to say He was inside me  ...well ...I can almost feel the holy water being poured on me from buckets.

You see, I was brought up to believe I was not worthy of God's proximity.  Then how the heck was I suppose to believe I was worthy of His Love or any of His gifts.  The goal of my religious upbringing was not to reap God's rewards.  It  was to avoid getting  hit over the head with that big staff He carried or  being dropped into the furnace where the "other guy" ruled. 

Fear of punishment and further banishment made me " a good Christian." It had little to do  with a sense of worthiness for His Love or Grace.  Fear prevented me from seeing just how close God was.

Now, as I put away some of my conditioned beliefs and begin to 'see' differently I begin to realize..."...I must be worthy.  You created me, and know me as I am." ACIM-W-238-1:1-2.

The Light Within

God's Light is in me.  God's Intelligence, Love and Power are flowing through me.  This Light, Intelligence, Love and Power are flowing through all of us. I am, you are... just an expression of That.   Now if this is like an electrical current flowing from the Power Source to the "object" found in this physical world...It creates miraculous results. This Light can go from me to others lighting up the world. " Today I will accept the truth about myself. I will arise in glory, and allow the light in me to shine upon the world throughout the day." ACIM-W-237:1:1-2. We can create better circumstances for our selves and for others, for the world at large.

Being the Pipe

The connection is this: that the Spirit, as it flows through you, becomes you and it becomes in you just what you take it for, just as water takes the shape of the pipe it flows through. It takes shape from your thought. It is exceedingly sensitive —how much more, then, must the pure Life Principle itself be sensitive? Think over this. Think it over and then think. Think of it kindly, lovingly, trustfully, and as a welcome companion. It will respond exactly. Think of it as a Living Light, continually flowing through and vivifying you, and it will respond exactly….Behrend, pg 38

We as creations are expressions of the Divine Energy.  This formless, shapeless energy as it flows through us takes the shape of us. Our bodies and our minds are the pipes, God's energy is the water. The pipe, however, is not important ...it is the water within the pipe that gives Life; that nourishes, that allows things to grow abundantly. We are vehicles for that energy.

So as long as we stay open, keep our thoughts pure and clean so they do not clog the pipe we can allow  the power to come through for things to grow abundantly around us. ...by allowing God to do what God does...Create.

God creates through us...God provides what we ask for, wanting nothing more than our happiness and our expansion. 

How to Make this work For us?

Know that God is Love and therefore so are we, think positively on that, trust that God wants what is best for us, know that our desires will be provided for and they will be!

 If we fill our minds with negativity, fear, and scarcity, however, this is what we will create. The energy will take the shape of that pipe. The energy takes shape from our thoughts.  This is the Life principle...Genevieve Behrend speaks of. ...that the sages through the ages speak of. 

Our minds create our reality. Keep them open and free and we will be free to create the world we want.  This is manifesting.

I don't know about you...but thinking on that makes me feel a whole lot better. This energy of God is a Living Light flowing through and giving Life!  How cool is that?

References

ACIM

Behrend, Genevieve. Attaining Your Desires: With Linked Table of Contents . Dancing Unicorn Books. Kindle Edition.

My mind holds only what I think with God.

-ACIM -W-142

Now will I be as God created me.-ACIM-W-237

Ruling the Mind and the Ego Twins

I rule my mind, which I alone must rule.
-ACIM-W-236

Ego is so sneaky! It is determined to tell a story that makes heroines out of us be they glorious or tragic.  :)

The Sneaky Ego!

It snuck in yesterday with that big long rampage to tell such a story and do so under the guise of relating and inspiring.  It's major objective, however, was to tell a sad tale about my previous set of circumstances in order to rationalize why I am stuck and to ask for pity, as well as  forgiveness.lol  Man...it even had me fooled that there were higher motives involved.

Tricky!

Yesterday's blog entry was a good example of the common rally between  the Redeemer and Shamer ego in the human mind set.  I have often written about these ego twins as I have come to understand them. I  have learned a lot from watching them in my own life.  I even subdued them both to a great extent but it is so interesting to see them coming out again and again to play with my peace of mind lol. Each time I witness their competing behaviours I have to come  to terms with the fact...that "Nope!  Not there yet!"

The Ego Twins

There is only one Ego with two apparent components. Shamer Ego shames us to keep us small and retracted so it can control us.  Redeemer ego redeems us from such shame. It appears to become the saviour so we will trust it . It can then control us.  As long as these two are rallying back and forth ego is strong and active. The Ego/monkey  mind  appears to be in control.

  

Shamer Ego

I have been feeling Shamer ego taking over as I look about my "circumstances" and environment and take ownership for it.  I know I somehow created it.  "The outside world is based in your thoughts and mental attitude.  The entire world is your own projection." (Satchidananda, pg 5).  My health, my house, my finances, my parenting situations are in a sense a reflection of what I got going on in this head of mine.  I own it all.  So every now and again I get consumed by shame especially when I see how different I am from others.

So Shamer ego wants me to feel shame.  It taunts and teases, points and hisses at what I  appear to have going on around me.  Sadly, I give into shame more than I would like to.

Redeemer Ego

But of course once Shamer is activated, Redeemer wants to rally back.  My Redeemer ego pretty much wrote what I wrote yesterday. It  painted a long winded tale about how different I am from others with the pretense of doing so for the benefit of others but it was just redeeming the little 'me' as it sought relief from shame.  It wanted to create a better more socially acceptable 'idea of me' after Shamer did a great job tearing one down by pointing out how socially unacceptable I was. In order to redeem status as heroine to this story I created, it used my blog.

Ego believes, it can redeem 'me' to the level of other egos through creating a heroine or a victim of me. If I can get people to see 'me' as the glorious heroine: strong, more evolved than others, and able to endure all types of life's 'unfairness' or the tragic heroine:  pitiful and remorseful  through  confessing my 'sins', than ego will be redeemed to state of social acceptance . Well that is what this ego and this idea of me tells me.lol,

The Part that Knows Better

Part of me knows better.  Part of me knows that I am perfect beneath all this seeming imperfection the mind creates.  Part of me knows that who I am cannot be shamed or redeemed.  It just is! 

This wise part of me, that isn't ego, also knows that I have control over my mind and I must rule it better if I want to change my circumstances. I want to change my circumstances so I have to be a little stricter with these disobedient twins. Or ...more likely...I need to detach from them to some degree; I need to just let them be until they tire themselves out :) I can do this.  After all, I rule my mind...and I alone must rule it.

I have a kingdom I must rule.  At times, it does not seem I am its king at all.  It seems to triumph over me, and tell me what to think, and what to do and feel.  And yet it has been given me to serve whatever purpose I perceive it in.  My mind can only serve. (ACIMW- 236: 1: 1-5).

Monkey Mind or a Serving Mind?

 

 These are my twins shortly after their second birthday 21 years ago.  It may look like poor parenting and a lack of care for environment but back then I was nothing but devoted. :)

Together and at the same time they discovered how to get out of their cribs in the middle of the night...remove everything from the toy box, change table, drawers, windows (curtains and blinds) and closet.  They literally tore the place apart almost every night and we never slept for almost five months because of these antics.  They would eventually tire themselves out and make little beds for themselves on the floor where they would crash and so would we. :)

Back then I thought I was going to go crazy because of their never ending antics and my severe sleep deprivation (I was also pregnant at the time of their night time adventures)  but now I look back at that time and laugh.  I laugh!

Maybe we will all be able to do that when we master our own monkey minds, and  allow our ego twins  to tire out on their own.  Maybe we can then look back at the illusionary experiences they created as nothing but comical. Maybe "ruling" is more about detachment and acceptance than controlling?

Wouldn't that be great?

How sweet and innocent these twins are when they are the ones sleeping and we are the ones awake! : )


All is well.


References

ACIM

Sri swami Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral yoga Press

Not like other people

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/emraan_hashmi_623558?src=t_be_yourself)


I am so not like other people and find it hard to maintain the appearance that is expected of us social beings in a socialized world.  I see what is expected of 'me'. I even try at times to maintain that expectation or at least an appearance of it but atlas...I am not like other people. My living environment, my present life situation, my parenting and my adherence to social etiquette (or lack of ) will reflect that. It sometimes brings me shame.

My living environment is not like other peoples'

The homes of beloved friends and welcoming neighbors that I visit tend to be perfectly  well maintained with concern expressed about missing a puppy nose print or two on a glass door...where as I have gauges out of walls from overexcited dogs and I have not been able to clean my windows for years ( literally).

Wonderful gourmet like dishes are prepared and set out for brunch where as if someone visited me I 'd be like..."I can put on a pot of KD if you like but I have to check to see if I have milk."

Some show concern for an ant or two travelling across their floor when I literally have six foot  spider webs ( with inch- matching spiders) all around my eaves trough peering in at us as we eat. (I won't harm them ).

Their lawns and gardens are beautiful, meticulously maintained  havens I want to get lost in...whereas at my house, when people come they are met with tall, unkempt grasses surrounding my dying deck and they must watch for piles of dog poop as they make their way through the "Trailer Park Boys" obstacles that lead to my broken doorway.

Their renovations are professionally and beautifully done ...whereas mine...when I get around to it...are somewhat sloppy DIY's that take months to complete and leave a lot to be desired. (Well my daughter's contribution is bang on whereas I don't seem to care too much about mine.)

They are proud of their beautiful environments as they should be...where as I am ashamed of mine and avoid having people over.  (I still have an ego). I have piles of laundry I can not get around to putting away and tumbleweed sized fur balls from our large number of pets floating around. (Poor old Roomba has dementia and does nothing but forget where he is going and always seems to be finding his way home...so no room ever gets completed) My environment reflects that I am not like other people.

I often ask why do I live like this?  Why do I not have the oompf to put more into creating a domestic haven for Don, my children and myself? Why don't I care enough about my house or things?  What is wrong with me? My environment is chaotic so I must be??

My life situation is not like other peoples'

My present life situation reflects the same.  I listen to people talking about the very common worry of  trudging through their workdays to get to retirement and to the possibility of having to go past that "drudgery" until they can pay for the renovations they made on their houses. When asked what I will do as I am no longer working ...I answer "I don't know.  I haven't a clue."

 I don't know how I will survive financially; what I will do to get by...tomorrow ..let alone when I am 65. And it is not really worrying me lol.  I have lost so much of the things others take for granted and I  no longer blame others for it, dwell on it, or feel that loss to the extent others think I should.  It's like, "Oh well. It is what it is. My youngest is all taken care of for this year, the others are working. It doesn't matter what happens to 'me'...I need so little."

And in society's terms I now have so little.  No job...which is such a big thing in today's society; no title...lost that; no professional identity, no money left in my bank account, let alone  in savings or investments; and no 'plan'.  And I just shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know what I will do."
Because I don't and the craziest thing is I am not worried about it. 

I watch others as I respond and I can see things crossing their faces, "She is absolutely nuts! She should be terrified...what is wrong with her! ? Man...why is she doing this?  Does she have to do this?  I have this, that or the other thing going on in my body and I am still working everyday.  Is she lazy or crazy?   Oh well...it is her problem...not going to worry about it." And the subject gets changed much to my relief. I do feel shame because I am not like other people.

Why don't I care about retirement, about my savings, about the prospect of losing more?  Why don't I worry about not having an income again especially when I have already endured months without one before and know how hard it is?  Why do I not see work as such an important component to living as they do? What is wrong with me?

My parenting experiences are not like other peoples'

My children reflect that I am not like other people. I feel great shame, at times, when it comes to my parenting when I allow ego to play the comparison game. Ego still likes to slap me around a bit with its reprimands, "How could you do this to your kids?  Why didn't you suck it all up and keep going , pretending everything was fine? Why didn't you keep up on the household maintenance and work harder at getting past your symptoms so they could have a 'normal' mom.  They made the choices they did because of you...you crazy, mixed up woman.  You were never like other parents. Look at your friends children...they have phDs and fancy jobs.  They are successful and look perfect.  Your kids, on the other hand, struggled because you had the audacity to leave your husband, be so different in your approach to life, and then admit out loud to getting sick.  How could you?" I feel shame and I blame myself for the pain my children endured.

Don't get me wrong.  I am so very, very proud of all my children though society may tell me at times, I shouldn't be.  I have no children with graduate degrees or fancy jobs...but I have children who are kind, loving and though they are often lost on their way...resonate with a certain emotional intelligence I see in so few people today. My children never stayed on the straight and easy path but I feel tremendous pride when I see what they learned from going down those challenging roads, how they staid loving and kind despite the painful process of coming back.  My heart swells every time I witness them making  life choices, however small,  that benefit them and the world.  I have some that are so close to awakening...and I am like...wow...that will make all the worry, the fearful nights, the challenges worth while. I am so very proud of my children but ashamed, sometimes, of myself for not being more like others so that I could have made it easier for them.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I get excited about proms and parties like others do?  Why do I not make a bigger effort to socialize with other parents and do the volunteer thing others do?  Why don't I push harder to make my kids meet the social milestones I am told they need to meet? Why do the small things my children do that  no one seem to notice make me so happy while what some would consider to be "big mistakes" brush off me so easily? What is wrong with me?

My social skills are not like other peoples'

I also lack the expected  social skills. Though I have always been a great listener, I have never been one for mingling or small talk and avoid those awkward situations as much as I can.  I prefer to speak when I have something important to say or to hear what I believe to be truly important. I try to speak truth.  I stay away from people who I feel "off" when I am around them. Though I try to avoid being hostile in any way, I cannot pretend to like the personalities or behaviours of others when I don't.

Egos scare me. That leads to awkward social interactions where my own ego makes its appearances again and again much to my embarrassment.  I am much more peaceful and 'true' when I am alone or in the company of animals.  That leads to awkward social interaction and a lack of appropriate social etiquette on my part. Backwards!!!! lol

Why can I not just relax when I am around others?  Why can't I mingle with comfort and do the small talk thing? Why am I so aware(and afraid) of other egos and my own? Why do I avoid people and social situations?  Why do I prefer to be alone?  What is wrong with me?

Taking Ownership

So I am not like other people and I often wonder what is wrong with me.  Sometimes that brings shame.  Especially as I take ownership of my life and everything in it, realizing that I created it all to some extent. I won't blame my circumstances on life situations I cannot change...I now know I can change everything with the right change of mind. My health, my circumstances can change and I am responsible for any lack there of.

At the same time, I realize that shame is uncalled for and is all ego's doing. There is nothing wrong with who I really am.  This idea I have of me...is just that "an idea" and it is not who I am. 

People my glance in at my life right now...and see my living environment, my life circumstances, my parenting and my social interaction and put the big fingered "L" to their foreheads, "Loser!"  They may say.  That's okay.  It really is.  I know the only judgment they make and the only shame I feel is ego's doing. 

Most importantly, I know it is because of this present set of situations in my life that I am coming to know the truth of Who I really am...and there is no room for  comparison there, there is no need to be like other people.  It is all good!

How awesome is that?

The Essence

Find the essence and the transient will not disturb you.
-Mooji. Everything a Sage Says is to Set You Free. Mooji TV

In absolutely everything there is this Isness...this Beingness that has no form, doesn't change , was not created and will not die even when the body around it does.  This is the Essence of Life; the Essence of God. 

This is Grace!

Find It...and the transient...that of this physical world that does change, gets sick, or becomes lost to us...can never disturb our peace, our joy or our love.  How cool is that?

This peace, this love and this joy our  perfume. But the flower nobody can touch. It can only be.  How great is God?
-Mooji, as above.

Grace and Gratitude

Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Gratitude evokes grace like the voice and echo. Gratitude follows grace as thunder follows lightening.
-Karl Barth (Anti-Nazi; anti-Nuclear Weapon Theologian featured on the cover of Times 1962  from https://www.azquotes.com/quote/592850)
 

Been away and had the opportunity to do something I had on my bucket list for years: get close to a whale.  We went whale watching and what an experience it and the two days we were away was.  D. spoils me but I enjoyed the trip too much to feel guilty. lol. 

I felt gratitude...immense gratitude for him, these magnificent marine mammals, the opportunity to get close, my camera, the experience and ultimately God for the "grace" that was provided.  Thus my topic for the day: Grace and gratitude.

Grace and Gratitude belong together like heaven and earth.

Gratitude is so much more than the words, 'Thank you." It is a feeling that has an amazing healing capacity.  According to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey in the second mediation of their "energy of attraction" series, gratitude is a gentle warm feeling in the heart that leads to a smile on the lips and ultimately the experience of grace.

Grace is the support, provision and knowledge that we are loved.  We experience it as a return of our deeply felt gratitude.

In Bhakti Hinduism this is known as Kripa.  God's Grace is provided with every experience of gratitude. When we express gratitude fully we are given even more experiences in which to be grateful by Grace.

Hmm!  So not only is gratitude such a wonderful experience to feel...and that in itself is enough...the more gratitude we feel, the more rich our lives become. It pays to be grateful! We open ourselves up to the sureness of God's Love when we are grateful. How cool is that?

And let me not forget my hourly thanksgiving that You have remained with me, and always will be there to hear my call to You and the answer me.  As evening comes, let all my thoughts be still of You and Your Love. -ACIM-W-232:1:3-4

All is well!

Worth Reading or listening to...

ACIM

Karl Barth Biography. Center of Barth Studies. http://barth.ptsem.edu/karl-barth/biography

Kripa. Yogapedia. https://www.yogapedia.com/definition/5572/kripa

Oprah & Deepak, Energy of Attraction 22-Day Meditation

Making it Clearer

Our mind is like a cloudy sky: in essence clear and pure, but overcast by clouds of delusions.  Just as the thickest clouds can disperse, so, too can even the heaviest delusions be removed from our minds.
-Keisang Gyatso (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/clear)


I am having a hard time putting all I am learning into a  simple explanation.  As an educator for many years,  I used to pride myself on my ability to take complex material and simplify it  for student understanding.  Now I am struggling with this notion of explaining this idea of discovering who we really are and what happens during the process of discovery.  I want to be able to explain it just as much for myself as I do for anyone who might be reading this.


The Need to Make IT clearer

I know  words are so limited in their ability to describe  IT. IT is something to be experienced more so than described.  In order for any learning to sink in to the habitual mind pattern of the subconscious, however, we sometimes need the help of the intellect. That's where the words and explanations come in. I am going to attempt to use words and my intellect ( what is left of it lol) to tap into your intellect...so the door to greater understanding can be opened for both of us. How on earth do I do that?

In class, what I would do after explaining something complicated is open the floor to questions and I would do my best to answer each question in a way that would benefit all.  This is also how many Satsangs are held. I will try that approach.  I am, by no means, professing to be a wise guru here...just somebody wanting to learn. So here are some questions I had and have as well as my attempt at answering them.  Of course, I will be referring to the experts.

What is waking up?

I know people still shake their heads when they hear what they believe to be "New Age Catch Phrases": waking up, awakening, enlightenment, higher consciousness etc. It is uncomfortable for many to consider the process and maybe the idea of waking up contradicts their own belief systems. It may also be fear inducing  because it is scary for the ego to think that people are going to leave it behind for enlightenment.

You see, that is all enlightenment or waking up is...a leaving behind of the part of you that does not serve you in the highest way. That part of you is your ego mind and all its selfish desires full of me' and 'mine' obsession. Waking up is a discovery and then a living in the truth of who you really are beneath all these things ego tricks you into believing you are.  It is a realization of the you that exists beyond this idea you and others have of you...you beyond the job title , the house, the status, the relationships, the personality, the problems and the body.  It is a finding of the real you, you never lost because it was always there beneath  what you have come to believe is real but isn't.

What you think is real and important right now...isn't! Some day and in some way...you will wake up to realize that. We all will.


Why do we need to begin the process of waking up in the first place?

Hmmm! The first thing we need to remember is that it is not a choice. Waking up to the truth of who we are and why we are here is something we are all going to do whether we like it or not. Mooji often says that we will do it now or we will do it later, in this life or the next...but eventually we will discover the truth of  our existence...what it all means ! Waking up is inevitable.

Doing it sooner than later will benefit you.  It will end the suffering you are experiencing.

Suffering?

Yes...suffering!  We are all suffering in one way or another.  For some that suffering is obvious and seems all consuming...for others it may not be so obvious or believable. "He has everything!  How can he be suffering?"

We are all suffering.  The first noble truth of Buddhism is about Dukkha...this suffering that is a part of ego consciousness. As long as we are operating from ego ( therefore not awake) we will suffer.

Most of us are suffering because we believe the ego over the real Self, the dream over waking reality, the illusion over truth.  Ego tells us that the world is a scary place and that we are constantly vulnerable to attack...from others, the world and ourselves.  In order to survive it...we must prepare for defense and attack...so we are always fearful and on guard...that causes suffering.  We see this in war zone areas, of course, but we also see it in the anxiety and addiction epidemic in areas where there is no war.

Bodies

Ego tells us we are our bodies and these bodies are vulnerable to attack as well...from others, from outside forces, from illness, from death.  We tend to have that belief system supported by our culture. If we are our bodies, and they are vulnerable to illness and death than we will  end when our bodies end.  We will spend a great deal of mental energy and so called time fearing and being protective of these vehicles. We will 'fight' disease and age. We  will 'resist' death and we will suffer because death of the physical body is inevitable.  Our bodies will die and so will the bodies of the people and things we love.  We will experience a sense of great loss if we see ourselves and  others as merely bodies. We will suffer.

Winning

Ego also convinces us that if we seek to attain, gain, win, own, collect, gain social recognition and reward we may be better able to endure this suffering and even find some semblance of 'happiness'. It points us in the  direction of external happiness and reward. We will 'work hard', 'struggle', 'fight' and 'seek' for these things.  And we may actually succeed and get some of the  things it tells us will make us happy but the problem is the thing or the happiness earned in this way will not last. Nothing of the physical world lasts.  It is all temporary and fleeting as it is meant to be. We will lose!

We may win some. Gaining one thing will appease our ego for a while but egos are hungry creatures...they will just want more and it will set us on a never ending search for the next thing, and the next, and the next...promising us that we will get the everlasting happiness if we try harder, do more, fight, fight, fight. But we will never get it in this way. We can go through our years gaining and losing...fighting and struggling...doing and doing and doing and still we will not be able to cling to the things we earn...We  will suffer!

Ahhh!  But there is the love of others who we deem as special or who deem us as special to end our suffering? Right? 

Wrong!  Looking to others to end this sense of suffering will not end our suffering, it may even cause more. Though love is why we are here and the most precious gift we have to offer or can receive, there is a difference between love and attachment. Many of us cannot make that distinction and relationships become selfish attachments rather than an opportunity to expand in love.

Other people cannot make us happy, healthy or whole.  We often go into special relationships with expectations for the other to fulfill us in a ways they are unable to fulfill.  Then we get disappointed, hurt, angry, resentful...collect grievances, become victims or villains.  We offer  guilt or blame, accept guilt or blame as we fight to make the other into something ego wants them to be. It is a given...when egos relate with other egos , there is going to be suffering.

Doing

And  we will also turn to work and activity to soothe and numb.  We will get lost in 'doing'. Ego doesn't want us calm and still and present.  Something exists in that quite stillness that terrifies the %^&* out of ego...so it does whatever it can to keep us away from the moment.  It will  do so with memories of the past and by filling us with anticipation or dread over the future.  It wants us back there or up ahead in a time that never comes so we do not experience its arch enemy... the now.  It fills our minds with restless thoughts, judgments, perceptions that make  the moment a place we do not want to be in...that we will resist with all our might. When we resist the moment, we are resisting life. Yuck!  That's suffering.

Believing ego's version of living equates to suffering.  As long as we identify with all the things ego tells us are 'essential and important' we are going to suffer.   There is no escaping it.

How do we change our lives so we feel better?

If ego is a part of your conscious mind under which you tend to operate, then the solution to suffering then is to change your mind , is it not? Stop listening to ego!  Patanjali often taught, "So the mind so the person, bondage and liberation are in your own mind."...What you think, you become and if ego is doing the thinking...you will become a big blob of suffering. You are stuck in that as long as you think you are.  The world will be the gruesome dark place in which you feel stuck.  But it doesn't have to be that way. You do not have to subscribe to ego's sick version of the world!

If I so choose I can depart this world entirely.  It is not death that makes this possible, but change of mind about the purpose of the world. If I believe it has a value as I see it now, so will it remain for me.  But if I see no value in the world as I behold it, nothing that I want to keep as mine or search for as a goal, it will depart from me.  For I have not sought for illusions to replace the truth.
-ACIM-W-226: 1: 1-5

Simply put we put down ego's illusions, it's sick version of reality for the truth.


What is the truth?

The truth is you are so much more than what ego would have you believe you are. You are so much more than this body personality or name others know you as.  And the world is a creation of that that flows through you. You are that very thing ego works so hard to prevent you from experiencing.  You are that stillness, that quiet, that space.  You are a beautiful expression of Life, presence, the Divine. You are a powerful force.

You are not a little 'me' separated and alone struggling on a dark and dangerous planet.  You are a part of One Universal Source that cannot be a part from Its Creator. You are everything and everyone and at the same time you are nothing.  (No-thing).  You are so much more than a thing of form and you cannot be contained by form.

One should endeavor to keep the suggestion of one’s real self, which is one’s real protection, constantly in mind; that self which is one with all Life and all Intelligence, which not only preserves but provides for all. (Behrend, pg3 4)

Above all else you are loved and you are Love. 

I seek my own identity and find it in these words: "Love, which created me, is what I am." Now need I seek no more.
-ACIM-W-229:1:1-2

Seek no more!

 

All is well.

 

References 

ACIM

Behrend, G. (2016)Attaining Your Desires. UNicorn books.

 

Mooji TV

 

The Knower or an idea of 'me'?

The Union of the Owner and the Owned causes recognition of the nature and powers of them both. Yoga Sutras Book Two: 23

When we feel lost between two worlds of consciousness that seem to be coming together we are seeing a union between the true Self and the world around us which includes our crazy mixed up minds. The cause of this union, according to Patanjali, is ignorance.  We have literally forgotten our "self". (Book Two:24) Once we remember that Self we set the Seer free.

Only the Knower

More simply, once the junction created by ignorance is removed, the Seer rests in Its own true nature.  The Purusa[Owner, true Self] is always like that ; although temporarily it appears to be bound by Prakrti [nature, external things]. We should not only remember this theoretically but should remember this point in all our experiences, all our actions, all our ups and downs.  ask, "Am I tainted by this?" "Who am I?" "Who is happy?"  "Who is unhappy?' If we continually ask these questions and do this kind of meditation, we will find that we are only the knower...."I am the eternal witness." (Book Two: 25)

The idea I have of myself is not the knower

I better clarify something.  When I say things like: "I am a mess!  I keep slipping back to sleep! I don't fit in anymore" or even "I am aware!" the "I" I am referring to is nothing more than  this idea I have of myself. This idea I have of myself is creating ideas about the world around me and my awakening experience.  It is the idea I have of myself that is judging this thing as messy and that is experiencing these dualistic states: one day feeling all connected and aware and the next lost in ego. 

This idea I have of myself is the "I" in which I refer to and it is not who I am.  It is just personality and persona...something created in my mind and in other minds.  It is thought form in a body and with a name.  When "I" feel aware of It, it is the thought form in a body that is aware of It.  The idea of me is aware of the reality of me but not yet fully experiencing it or otherwise there would be no awareness.  The subject can perceive an object but the object can not perceive itself. Once I am seeing the world through It's eyes there will be no need to be aware of It...I will Be It.

So obviously if I am 'aware' that I am feeling in between and messy, I am not experiencing my true Self.  I am still ignorant.  Just thought and idea...creating more thought and idea.

We really cannot be anything but Self. Self is constant and never changing.  It doesn't have shape or form or color or names...It just is.   It is not overwhelmed by my" messy In between" for as far as it is concerned there is no in between. There just Is.

It is not concerned about the illusions created by  my sleeping because what it knows to be real is awake.

It is not concerned about my fitting in with other egos because it is perfectly okay as It Is.  And understands It Is everything and everyone so whether I see it or not, feel it or not I have no choice but to fit in.

It is not awkward and sick...it knows not these things. Those things belong to the  idea of me...not to Who I truly Am. That Self cannot ever be confined to a two letter pronoun.

All is well

Sri Swami Satcidananda ( 2011) The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral Yoga Publications

Lingering

What need have I to linger in a place of vain desires and of shattered dreams, when Heaven can so easily be mine?
-ACIM-W-226: 2:3

Hmmm! Like some of you, I am sure,  I am indeed lingering in a place of vain desires and of shattered dreams.  I am trying to wake up.  The alarm has gone off good and loudly  but I keep reaching over to push the snooze. I keep slipping back into that early morning sleep, you know?  The kind of sleep where dreams are so vivid and easy to remember. . .where it seems so real but you know it isn't??? Man...I do want to wake up...or at least be either completely asleep or completely awake...one or the other so I am not aware of the other!  This in between sucks! lol

The messy In Between

I am a mess.  I am so aware one moment of what is real and important and the next I am lost in ego crap thinking that's real but then knowing at a deeper level it isn't.  It is confusing. The circumstances of  life are still effecting 'me'. I am definitely doing more 'observing' but that's really weird at times too. One moment I am lost in emotional and mental reaction to external things and the next I am observing myself freaking out. One moment I see it all unfolding as 'my' story and the next I see it as an impersonal story and wonder where I fit into it.

Even though, I barely think about it, I still identify with my body and its limitations too many times. When I try to do zen activities(good for the soul/good for the mind)  like a full yoga practice or  kayak on the river in the early evening hours as  the sun goes down....I feel limited and 'sick'.

My social life is a mess.  I see how I am pulling away from people and situations where I need to socialize.  I actually see now how I have been, to some extent, doing that my whole life. It has always been awkward for me and I found such solace in being alone. (I have been unknowingly reaching this awareness for as long as I can remember). Now that I am 'aware' relating is even more awkward. lol. And I am questioning and observing relationships and human contact on a whole new level that leads to more awareness but also to more confusion.

I find it hard some times to settle in the moment and I feel frustrated because I can't settle in the moment. "You have come this far," I tell myself.  "You should know how to be present...you should be present all the time.  People think you are crazy for your choice to go inward...you better give them something to show for it.  Be the wise, peaceful guru that knows where it is at and has a life that reflects that peace...and be it soon!" lol

I don't know how to BE in this world.  Sigh!

Time to Stop Lingering in Bed!

I know I have to stop pushing the snooze button if I want to be truly free of this confusion and awkwardness that prevents 'me' from experiencing  Being .  Once I commit to waking up I will realize that nothing changed while I was asleep.  That it is all okay.

Lesson 227 of ACIM -W goes onto say....I am free because I was mistaken, and did not affect my own reality at all by my illusions. Now I give them up, and lay them down before the feet of truth, to be removed forever from my mind.

I am just having a bit of trouble with the giving them up and laying them down bit.  But the key thing to remember is that these illusions, this sleep I keep falling back into...cannot stop me from Being ...This Being doesn't go away when I fall back to sleep. I just lose awareness and experience of it. I cannot, however, lose IT!

Can't Lose What is Real

Mooji in the August 4th Satsang speaks to this.   We can be nothing but present.  We do not lose the true Self. Who is the person that feels they are losing contact with Self, that's confused? It is just the mind's idea of 'me' we created that is getting caught up in an idea of 'me' that's creating the confusion.  The true Self, that presence, that essence doesn't wax and wane like our mind does.  It is not confused about anything!!!!  We just get caught up in an idea of 'me' that is creating other ideas of me. 

Who we are never goes away even when we fall asleep gain and again. This Quiet Space, Stillness, Isness is ever present and never changing...and that is Who I am under all this confusion the mind creates. It is not touched by my dreams or illusions.

Thought is causing the so called problems in 'my life' not Life.

Adverse circumstances are overcome by reversing the originating cause, which is your own thought.  Anxiety and fear always attract conditions of their own kind.  Reverse  this tendency and entertain only those thoughts which register harmony and confident assurance, and the adverse circumstance will recede, and in their place will appear the conditions which correspond your changed mentality. Genevieve Behrend,p g 17

Those conditions that respond to changed mentality are Divine conditions offered by the true Self.  If I control this active monkey mind that keeps me dreaming...I will understand this fully.  I will step over the threshold between dream state to being fully awake and I will live my life from there.

We all need to stop lingering in bed and get up to embrace this beautiful and amazing thing called Life. I have to start with me.

All is well in my world!

References

ACIM

Behrend, G. (2016) Attaining Your Desires. Unicorn Books.

Mooji TV  (August 4, 2018)Your Homework is to stay home inside your heart.  https://mooji.tv/freemedia/your-homework-is-to-stay-home-inside-your-heart/

The Life in Me

"The Life in me is inseverably connected with all the life that exists, and it is entirely devoted to my personal advancement" 
-affirmation from Genevieve Behrend's Attaining Your Desires

Say what?????

There is a wonderful little book I want you to read.  It  was written in the early part of the 20th century and reprinted recently because of its refound significance. It was by a woman by the name of Genivieve Behrend who studied "Mental Science" under a renown philosopher, Judge Thomas T. Troward.

The above affirmation is repeated to reinforce in ourselves  that the Life force within us, the force  that allows us to do all we do, is the same Life force that is in everything in this world.  There is One Source therefore we are connected to all things in this world. This force, is devoted to us ...doing everything it can (which is everything)  so we can be all we can be as these individual expressions of it.

It wants us to be happy, healthy, joyful and successful!

All we need to do is believe this in our very core to Be what it wants us to be. We use the mind to create this reality instead of allowing it to use us.

How cool is that?

All is well in my world.


Life's purpose is to give expression to Its joy, beauty, and power, through Its particular instrument, my thought.





References:

Behrend, G. (2016) Attaining your Desires. UNicorn books.

Is Jim Carrey Crazy?

Everything you gain in life will rot and fall a part and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart.
-Jim Carrey



What do you think happened to Jim Carrey? Did he have a breakdown and go crazy?  Is he crazy?

If he is I am really bonkers. No one will notice maybe because I am not famous but I would have to be.  In fact if he is crazy, I want to be because everything he says in these videos hits home.

Just listen and see what you think? Does he seem crazy to you or brilliant?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-kaib_rXTQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnNHzhhVaiU

A Little Adyashanti Wisdom on Reality

Discord means I am out of alignment with reality right now.-Adyashanti

Discord?  Let me tell you about discord. I am a mess right now....and my world reflects it.  My house is upside down with the renos and the understanding of what I used to call 'my life' seems upside down as well.  Why?  Because I am out of alignment with reality.

Alignment is a big thing for a soon to be yoga teacher lol...I better snap everything back in...but to what plane? What I thought was reality...what most of the world calls reality, I am coming to understand, is not reality. Most of us are out of alignment because we are lining up with illusionary planes. How the heck am I going to teach a safe class if almost everyone is out of alignment? :)

Ahhh...the only person I can align is myself. I need to focus on aligning myself and the rest will be taken care of....so how do I get back to reality?

I have forgotten It, and do not know where I am going, who I am, or what it is I do.  Remind me, Father, now, for I am weary of this world I see. Reveal what You would have me see instead.
-ACIM-W-224:2:2-4

Then and only then can I expect to help the world see reality. In the mean time, I don't need its cooperation.

The nice thing about reality is it never needs the cooperation of the rest of the world. -Adyashanti

Genuine Poetry

Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood.
-T.S. Eliot (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/poetry)


Poetry is amazing!  No...I am not saying 'my' poetry is amazing... I try not to judge my poems. And I am definitely not being gratified by praise lol. I have not received any positive feedback on the poems I have supposedly written to date...and I have written many! If anything...feedback has been negative.  That is not what is important.  Poetry itself in its ability to communicate before it is understood is amazing whether it is deemed as good or not.

When I say poetry is amazing, it is amazing because of where it comes from. It comes from a different place than the one where most of our minds operate.  It comes from the "being" place within all of us rather than the 'thinking' place or the ego place.  I don't think one can be operating on ego and write true poetry. 

Not about the Ego

I mean we do...we occasionally  write a poem on ego's direction, with the intention of being 'a poet'.  I have sent poems out and have found myself stung by rejection again and again.  I have read my poems to others to have them say, "What the f(ront door) does that mean?  What kind of drugs are you doing?"  Still we often write to feed the ego.  We tell ourselves after certain poems that seem to click with us for some inexplicable reason , "Oh that sounds good." and we send it off to see if someone else will like it, publish it, give us praise and recognition for it...but that is not what the form is for.  It really isn't about the ego. 

Messages from the true Self

 I finally realize, after decades writing it, that poetry is a medium where the true Self speaks to the writer  and hopefully can be heard by one or two others.  I think it is a teacher, a wise guru, an expert communicator, a psychic fortune teller, and a connecting force between illusion and reality  (it is the poem that speaks to the reality not the place from which it is read that is real). It is a channel to the true Self, to Being, to God. It reminds us that this place exists beneath thought, beneath ego, beneath this world that seems so real. It offers wisdom, hope, a way  when the rest of our minds cannot see or understand it, when we feel lost. Well that is what poetry is to me.  I see that now.

From Beyond the story and the ego, the poem speaks

I wrote those two poems from the previous posts at a very challenging time of my life.  I was lost in 'the story' of it all and felt like I was drowning in 'stress'.  I couldn't see beyond what ego was showing me. I had absolutely no idea the significance of those poems because I was not even aware then what waking up entailed.

I probably wrote more poems during that time in my life ( between 2011-2015) than I ever did.  I wasn't sure why.  I would just get this overwhelming feeling that I had to write one, that a 'poem was coming out of me' and I would sit down and within minutes the words would be on the page.  It was not thought out...at least the first version wasn't.  There was no time for that...it literally just came out in minutes...each poem I wrote. It was beyond thought.  It was simply inspired action. When I was done I would feel this overwhelming sense of 'relief' and completion. 

I would read each poem  back and sometimes I liked the way it sounded to my ear and the visions it created in my mind but I never, and I mean never really understood what it meant or what significance it had to my life.  I would often just put it away and forget about it.

That meaning always came later.  I would read the poem later (months or years after I wrote it) and feel this "Oh my God!  Yeah!  That's what that means.  Oh I see now what it was telling me, what it was teaching ." The message  was always very spiritual in some way or another even when I wasn't.

Being the Open Vessel

We often talk about the wise teacher within us all.  Poetry is that teacher! And anyone who writes it is a teaching vessel.  You do not need to know anything to do this...just to be open!! It is so cool what we can learn from it and it is an honor to be used by the true Poet within. There is no 'me' in this, no ownership and no room for ego.  Truly...poetry is simply a contract between universal intelligence and dream state. It is the true creative expression...whether it sucks or not. :) Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?  Who wouldn't want to learn from that?

So from now on, I am going to let the communicator speak and trust that there is some very valuable wisdom in the message that I will eventually understand.

I think that is so cool.

All is well in my world.

Cyclone

 

Cyclone

It lands in the center of my chest,

like a column of swirling wind,

a vortex of   howling frenzy

sucking away the quiet moments of my life.

 

The 'me' I once thought I was

is suddenly

extracted from the delusion

that I am securely rooted in the

quaking earth beneath my feet.

 

I reach out desperately for something to cling to

but atlas, all that I once knew to be real

vanishes like wisps of smoke

when I wrap my fingers around it.

There is nothing of form to hold onto

and my legs are pulled from beneath me.

 

I am carried towards the eye of the storm.

The force of  the winds  contractions

clutches my heart making

me cry out for the breath

that persistently eludes me.

 

Memories  whirl past.

I watch helplessly

as scattered moments of pain and frustration

bump into the fragile, broken parts

of my childrens' innocence,

threatening to destroy what remains.

I lean forward to protect it but

the gale force is too strong.

Its hand, placed aggressively on my sternum,

pushes me back and away

as  the cries for "Mommy"

become faint whispers of "I don't care anymore."

 

I see her face caught up in the storm's chaos.

 I want to get to her

so I can wrap my arms around her,

soothe her pain,

tell her how  I'll miss her

but the swirling frenzy inside and around me

leaves my limbs heavy,

making every movement difficult.

It keeps us apart.

 

I see the desk and  phone

I once occupied,

floating past.

The smiling  and fearful faces of those I lectured to

becoming foggy images before disappearing into the vortex.

They, like so much of what I identified myself with,

are  being swept up by the destructive

nature of the cyclone.

I am losing what I thought I was.

 

 

 

I hear their voices echoing through the moving air

telling me there

is no reason why I can't weather this storm better.

I reach down to the white coated figures with arms

heavy with fatigue,

my weak cries being drowned out by the howling wind.

They quickly glance up and duck away

but they don't see me.

They half-heartedly scribble something 

on their little green pads

as they talk back and forth amongst themselves about my case.

The pieces of paper get tossed  into the atmosphere's in drawing breath

with careless gestures.

I scramble to grasp the slips

in hope they are maps

showing me the way out of this mess

but atlas they are just meaningless markings

and useless trinkets meant to pacify.

Wispy figures of shame lurk in the storm's shadows.

They grab  me by the neck and wrists strangling,

pulling me away

from those I am told have the answers.

 

 

 

Then when I think I can bare no more

I am squeezed through the tiny

opening in the center of the whirlwind.

I am painfully pulled, twisted,  pushed.

All parts of me that do not matter

 are scraped from the surface in the process.

 By the time I am through this

small gap in space

I am raw and numb.

It is too much for my mind and body to bare and

I collapse into a state of nothingness.

 

When I awake I find myself  in a place

where there is no movement

or growling wind,

just perfect calm and stillness.

I breathe a  breath of real life.

My chest, with the heaviness gone,

welcomes the air,

drinking it up like a thirsty dessert traveler

who has finally found the oasis.

I am released from the hands of shame as

glorious light melts the shadow fingers that hold me back

into tiny drops of nothing.

 

 

For the first time in my temporary human existence

there is no quavering,

not even a rumble in the earth beneath my feet.

I  stand strong and stable

for doubt has been replaced by faith,

despair with hope

fear with love.

In the center of this storm

I find His perfect peace.

 

From this place

I realize

I have the power to make the winds disperse,

the earth settle,

the body  heal

and the pieces of my life to fall in perfect order...

His order.

And I need do nothing.

Copyright Dale-Lyn 2011

 

 

 

I wrote this back when  the symptoms of my 'condition' hit me like a cyclone and I was forced to go off work.  At the time I also had some scary maternal issues to deal with and a sister diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I felt so 'sick' but I couldn't find anyone to help me(clear diagnosis and support). It seemed like such an awful time...but I knew then, throughout all the chaos, that this cyclone  was taking me somewhere. It is taking me somewhere and I am so very grateful.

All is well!