Calming the Mind's Wind

 The mind is like water.  When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see.  When it is calm, everything becomes clearer. 

The Buddha

I rode a mental wave today.. a big one from trough to crest and then to trough.  I actually rode a few waves... because the world beneath "me"  seemed to become quite turbulent. In a five hour time span, I was made aware, one by one,  how each of the five adult children in my life( including my stepson)  were getting seemingly swept away by their reactions to Life.  They each called me in to their experiences in one way or another.    I am not a strong swimmer and do not do well in choppy water but I will certainly dive in if I feel I can help save someone from drowning. So I dove in...and there I was for a good portion of my morning struggling to  stay afloat.

My mind, of course, was the wind that made the water ripple. ...into a very challenging current  to swim. There was the struggles of my significant others  made obvious to me...and there was my painful reaction to this information and observation.  I kept telling myself, as each obvious issue came to my attention, "This is not the problem.  It is just Life.  What my mind does with this information, will determine if there is a problem or not." And my windy mind was determined to give me a real swimming challenge.

My heart breaks, as a Mom, to see those I love hurting in the ways I see them hurting, especially when I know that I can do so little. They each must take the reins and direct their own minds and bodies  away from those paths that lead to suffering.  I am basically helpless in doing anything but offering my presence, or possibly pointing a finger to a direction "I believe" would be beneficial and watch and wait for them to do what they need to do.  It is very challenging to do that  and I just want to fix it all for them or curl up and away from that pain...but I know that neither would give them what they truly need...an opportunity to heal and grow their way.  It won't give me what I need either...the learned ability to ride each wave Life presents without going under. 

"And this too", I whispered to myself, "this too is Life." I stood back and I watched the waves of life circumstance and the waves of my mind...trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall...over and over and over again. Each circumstance crested and then fell and dissolved as I watched.  Though, I thought I had to "act" on each one of them...and was  feeling so overwhelmed as to how I would do that, I discovered that all I had to do was watch as most of them rose and fell away from needing my intervention. I did act on some...but most, even after as I was getting ready to go to some in order to intervene...just dissolved away on their own.

This is what Life does with all the things that unfold in front of us.... it appears, it crests, it troughs and then whatever wave it came in is gone so the other wave can come in and do the same.  Our minds are like the winds...that react to the observation of these waves with our clinging, craving and aversion.  ...with our grasping or resisting the wave arrival in our mind's eye....they make the water more turbulent than it has to be.

Don't allow your windy mind to make the water choppier...just watch the unfolding of each wave.  Sure, we will be called to act from time to time...but it is so important that we calm the mind first.

All is well in my world.

 

The Mission to Transform

 

Awareness is like the sun. When it is shined on things, they are transformed. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

I asked for this...whatever I am experiencing in this waking up process: all the confusion mixed in with the new found clarity, the challenges, the struggles and the somewhat painful stripping away of all that I clung to ( including my beliefs) .  I asked for this and I , despite my being slapped in the face by the reality that suffering exists when I do, continue to ask for it everyday. 

I pray before I meditate: "Help me to awaken so I can help others to awaken..." 

Huh? Why am I asking this??? What is wrong with me? 

And I don't know why I ask, and why I practice or why I think that "I" , in this aging form and less than perfect mind..., has any "right" or "ability" to help myself transform suffering, let alone help another living being on this planet do the same.  Who do I think I am? What do I know? Who am I? 

It doesn't make a lick of sense to me most of the time. Yet, here I am.  I just feel the need to do so, so viscerally,  I know I will experience more pain if I don't continue on this path than I ever will if I do. I  feel compelled. It is a pull much bigger than "me" that brings me here everyday, that brings me to these teachings that I study as if I was studying for the MCATs or  LSATS, to my studio or to my cushion.  This  mission to awaken into awareness and its practice has become the most important part of my life. 

I never in my wildest dreams, imagined myself here, where I am now, at this point in my life: retired early, absent of all professional titles,  broke as s%^&, spending every morning practicing and writing what I write here. It is all so bizarre.  Yet, here I am.

And Life responds by unfolding in front of me with  one lesson after the other.  I mean...Life is not that personal...she is not just unfolding for my purpose lol...but with lessons for all of us...it is just that I , lacking in so much of my previous defenses, am running smack dab into these lessons, unprotected.  I am absorbing them and observing myself responding ( or reacting...I still react more than I respond). It freaking stings like the dickens but I realize that  is the way I learn. 

I choose to learn.  I choose not to run or hide anymore, but to make my way through to the other side of this confusion.  I chose awareness.

This learning or awakening has little to nothing to do with "knowledge I pick up from others" , no matter how wonderful these teachers may be and how they point me in the right direction. True learning does not come from concepts, teachings, religions or ideologies, though they all can be very helpful pointers.  True learning is derived from observing the mind and how it responds to Life.

That is all that I am doing...observing the nature of the human mind by observing my own. 

Hmm! Anyway..it is what it is! 

All is well. 

Surrendering When You cannot Escape

 Five Thing to Remember:

• We will all grow old.  It is natural for our bodies to age.There is no escaping the aging process.
• We will all get sick.  It is natural for bodies to get sick and breakdown from time to time. There is no escaping illness. 
• We will all die. It is natural for our  bodies  to expire at a certain point. There is no escaping death.
• We will all lose the things we cherish and cling to today. All things are, by nature, impermanent. There is no escaping change. 
• The only thing any of us will ever  truly own is our actions. Cause and effect is a natural phenomenon. There is no escaping the consequences of our action. 

As paraphrased from the video below.

Thrashing around in a small cage is bound to hurt  the person who perceives imprisonment. It can also cause so much injury, making the situation worse.  When we stop thrashing, stop resisting the reality around us and just sit where we are, we begin to see just how much space there really  is this cell and we also notice that the door was never locked. 

So many of us are constantly struggling and attempting to escape the reality of being human, and this only causes more suffering.

We need to surrender to escape. Surrendering and letting go to the realities of Life  is not morbid and pessimistic. It is liberating and freeing.  These realities do no cause our suffering, resisting the truth  of them does.

All is well. 

Thay Ngo Knong ( Brother Freedom)/ Deer Park Monastery (April, 2021) The Art of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYjJp3KqKBA

 

Letting Go

 If we let go of the life we planned, we can discover the life that is waiting for us.

Brother Freedom

Bear With Care

 

Dare to Bear With Care

Brother Freedom

My eye is sore today.  The flashing is getting worse. It has been bothering me for a while and I know I need to re-access the system in order to do that.  The thought of doing this leads to an "unpleasant feeling" and a well established aversion tendency in me. 

I mean...the reality of what needs to be done is so simple. I only have to access the system on the periphery of allopathic medicine, not dive right in. All I have to do is call another optometrist somewhere and say..." having issues with an eye and just need a second opinion,  do you mind having a look at my retina?" I am going to have to pay for it...That's okay....vision  health is something one can find money somewhere for...you know? It is really no sweat off the optometrist's  backs either. They are going to get paid directly  for their service. They just have to look...tell me that it is nothing more than  a bit of astigmatism and dry eye...and I am on my way. Or...maybe, they will tell me it is a retinal issue, possibly a slow detaching...and they refer me to ophthalmology and  we get it fixed.  My brother had the procedure done twice without any visual loss. No big deal.

An Unpleasant Story

What is the big deal for me, is the story my mind creates around the accessing of this system.  This story is a collection of past memories and experiences that are stuck within me. I try to keep them down but with the mere thought of having to "go back in" they resurface. 

I have never been overly worried about anything my body ever did or refused to do. I may have known because of my nursing background  that something probably should be done about this or that...that I should at least get this or that checked...but I never really worried about my health as much as it is believed I did.  I have  always been more concerned about being believed so this assumption  about me....  being a "hypochondriac" or "overly nervous and worried about my health" or a "depressed or mentally ill"  person who was having a "conversion" type of response....or  someone with "Fat Folder syndrome" ...or an "attention seeker" or a "liar",(Man I heard it all)...would not stand in the way of me getting treatment for what I (or my family) was presenting with.  I perceived a problem in the  having to deal with the knowing something abnormal was happening with my body that needed some form of treatment, as minor as it may have been,   but instead of just getting a straight out diagnosis and treatment I much, much too often, got lectures, and waits, and shaming, and more waits, and dismissals, and more waits, and passed on from one person to the next ( with this assumption attached to my chart  like a label on my forehead.)  and told on several different occasions that I was 'lying"...and costing the system money with my health seeking. It was very, very unpleasant!  So unpleasant...that the pleasant experiences of dealing with  the many people who could see past the assumption compassionately and supportively...were overshadowed by the negative. And now ...here I am ...wanting to get a second opinion(well more like a first opinion..the other didn't think it was necessary to look in my retina. In all fairness to this professional, I didn't have the flashing then ...just the pressure)...that requires a bit more than reentering...that requires stepping on the toes that do the assuming. 

A Stuffed Pain Experience Resurfacing From the Basement

Wow!  I wasn't going to write about this today...not at all.  This whole idea of "having to health seek' is something I just want to avoid. I want to continue to push down the memories of these experiences so deep inside me I don't feel the pain, the shame, the fear. Just thinking about having to make a call triggers such a great amount of the "unpleasant" in me  leading to intense resisting and aversion.  My belly is in knots right now just because I wrote..."I know I need to re-access the system..." 

I guess, though this topic does, in some indirect way, go with what I intended to write about today...more on dealing with our attachments and aversions.

Face Don't Run

In a talk by Brother Freedom, we are reminded that  we need to face our suffering, to look deeply within at those  unpleasant things we may wish to run  or avoid dealing with.  When we look out at the external world we may experience something that brings, or as in this case, triggers unpleasant feelings and therefore leads to the habitual tendency of aversion. Even though we think we are avoiding or running from this feeling when we resist it, we are actually just storing it in our psyches.  It doesn't go away...we just hid it in the basement and we do our best to pretend it is not there by distracting with something that creates a pleasant feeling. 

What I need to keep reminding  myself is that I only live half a life when I find myself attached to the pleasant and resisting the unpleasant.  They go together.  We cannot have light without casting a shadow.  These shadows are just as worthy of our attention, our compassion and our care as the light is. . . 

The Neutral Parent

Brother Freedom tells us to look at the unpleasant and the pleasant as two toddlers we are holding.  Pleasant, is in one hand and unpleasant is in the other.  As a mother of twins, I actually know what that feels like to be walking along with a child in one hand wanting to go up there to something pleasant and another child in the other retreating back because to her it is unpleasant. As a mom, I had to hear and meet the needs of both of these children...I had to find a neutral space. But we do not tend to treat our experiences in this neutral space, do we? What we tend to do, as we move through life, is neglect, push away, ignore and avoid the so called  negative ...that which we deem as unpleasant.  We stuff our shame, our fear, our anger, our despair etc because we judge  these as unpleasant.. Would you do that with one of your children? 

Allowing the Pain to Surface

We need to call the unpleasant emotions and experiences out of the basement and ask them to sit beside us. We bring them from the shadows and into the light. We need to put our arm around them and say, "Hey fear and shame related to my health seeking...I know I tried to stuff you in the basement...to ignore you and pretend you didn't exist because thinking of you was so painful.  Even when you temper tantrumed or screamed at me to get my attention I would still try my best to pretend you were not there.  That is not fair... you deserve to be up here with me, just as much as peace and joy do.  We are all in this together. What would you like to say?  " 

This is daring to bare pain with care. 

And until we do that we will be going around in circles between attachment and aversion and these feelings will not do what they were meant to do...arise and then dissolve. Pain feelings  just gets stuffed inside, when we repress and suppress. They will keep getting poked whenever we are faced with the triggers the external environment is sure to provide.  I don't want to feel this way every time my body does something that may require attention from an expert.  Man...I am getting older...things are going to be breaking down more and more.  I need to sit with these feelings...allow them to speak and be heard (as was just have done on this page) .  I need to treat them with the same concern and care as I would  my happy child and wait for them to mature enough to want to leave my home on their own accord. 

Hmm! All is well! 

Excuse my citation...cannot seem to find the link for that  video

Brother Freedom at Deer Park. December 12, 2021.  Being Peace

Shining the Light on Craving

 

It would be illuminating to see how and when occasional desires strengthen into deeper habit patterns of wanting.  

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness a Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True, page 302

Hmmm! I would like to apply the idea of craving as the possible  source of all our suffering to two silly practical world examples that I have recently observed in my own experience.

Cup Cake Craving

I bake muffins and cupcakes and I usually make a couple dozen at a time.  I like to watch how quickly  these go.  Not just because I want my ego to get all big and inflamed when they go fast...like I did something special by baking something everyone likes ...but because I get to watch the habit minds around me and in me in action. 

Sugar is a drug many of us crave

 Okay, sometimes I make very nutritious, maybe less than sugary, muffins that are tasty but not great when one is having a sugar craving. They don't go so fast.  I also make sugary treats that lack in nutritional value and depending on the kind...they can go very, very fast. Sometimes the whole two dozen can disappear  in an evening and there is only three of us living upstairs.  My chocolate chip banana muffins and my pumpkin spice go a lot faster than my blueberry bran lol. 

Where does the "craving" part of this baking come in , crazy lady? 

A lot of time it is the presumed problem of the  absence of having such a treat in the house while I am or someone else is  experiencing a so called craving and desire for sugar, that leads me to whip out the mixing bowls and muffin tins. 

"I will fix the problem," I tell myself and others . "I will bake and create that which we are lacking in our need  to feed our desire, put an end to our craving, and fill in this 'lack of' pain we are  experiencing." I bake two dozen muffins or cupcakes and I set them out on the counter.  

Watching Habit Mind In Action

Most recently, I got in the habit of watching how quickly they disappear and I try to determine who seems to be "desiring" and "needing fulfillment" the most. I often tell myself that one of the reasons this present  living situation is so challenging for me is because there is no escaping  the energy of the extreme versions of habit mind I observe in others. I tell myself  that because I am constantly witnessing someone else's need for instant gratification in their recovery from the consequences of extreme habit mind, this is interfering with my own Chi, and  my own path  toward non craving. It is true... that though I understand the so called "greed and selfish tendencies" that come with this very early recovery stage, ...witnessing it in this other triggers an aversion in me.  I don't like it and I tell myself I don't want  that extreme craving energy around me or in my home.  Hmmm!  Pretty judgmental eh? I find myself wondering, how much craving does this other still succumb to, to  justify such a reaction in me?  Sugar is often used as a substitute for other things. Thus my observing how fast these muffins go. I, shamefully,  find myself watching and counting how many muffins are taken. 

What exactly is being craved...the "wholesome" or the "unwholesome". 

I also very reluctantly tell myself, if I am going to observe the habit mind in others, I first and foremost must observe it in myself. I need to observe, not only my own craving around these muffins and cupcakes, but my craving for a need to justify my aversion to this present set of circumstances I find myself in. I have a desire to prove to myself and others that there is a reason why I want and need my situation to change...why I desire something different. I know this craving is not wholesome. 

Extremes: Back to the Cup Cakes

One muffin, one cupcake should be enough to fill the sugar hole within us, you would think, right? Sometimes I watch this individual make several trips out to the counter grabbing a couple of muffins at a time until maybe he has eaten a dozen in one evening...and sometimes there seems to be no concern to what is left behind for others. I hear myself saying to myself, "See...this is what is bothering you. This greed! This selfishness!"  I feel somewhat justified in my pushing for change. 

To my own surprise and horror, however,  I observed last night, that it was I that went back to the muffin tray...four times.  Four muffins in one hour! I rationalized by saying, "Hey...they were smaller than normal muffins" but still , if I am being honest, I observed my own extreme craving tendency...my own "addict potential"in that behaviour.  I was not so different from the others I was watching and judging.  This individual, on the other hand,  only took two. I realized  then that in  my craving for these muffins and my giving into that craving, I was attempting to stuff the pain associated with all the suffering I am witnessing around me and I was trying to stuff my own aversion tendency.  I was craving something "external" and using it to put an end to my own pain. "Not having sugar in the house", the other person's behavioral choices, and my living situation was not the problem. My own craving...my looking out there for change and solution because I was resisting what is...was the problem. My own habit mind was the problem. The muffins were not going to fix that!

Action Required

To curb the tendency for any of us to succumb to our cravings and eat all the muffins at once I decided to freeze the remainder.  That way, if any of us habit minded individuals wanted a muffin, the gratification of that which we craved would not be immediate.  We would have to take the muffins out of the freezer and thaw them first. Do we really want the muffin that much?  For most addict minded individuals who want what they want now...this delay in the process of receiving gratification can give them space to detach from their desire, to question, "Do I really want this? Is this wholesome?  Or am I operating just from habit mind?" It will also give us time to observe how desires, like everything else in this world, just come and go.  Desire will go.  We do not have to feed it to make it go away. Delaying gratification  is a great practice for both the recovering addict in my home and for me:  the addict waiting to happen. 

"Addict Waiting to Happen?  Aren't you being a little extreme? "

No...I believe we are all addicts waiting to happen.  As long as our focus is on gratifying our desires...we are all potential addicts.  Let me give you another example:

Craving a Glass of Wine

I like the experience of drinking a glass of wine.  I like the taste of a good wine.  I like the feel of the glass in my hand.  I like the shared connection I feel with others who are having a glass with me (it is a social experience for me). I like the way it makes me feel ...for the hour it takes me to drink it, I feel very mindful. I relax and open up. Yes, I like to have a glass of wine and maybe once a month I may have a glass and sometimes even two glasses. Most people would say...that is not a problem, at all! 

Yet, something within me always quietly whispers when I pour that glass or think about pouring that glass...to be careful.  It reminds me that I am an addict waiting to happen...and though there is no problem in the wine itself...there may be a problem in the craving it. There may be a problem with  why I want the wine and how much the thought of that wine and what it could potentially give me could disturb my peaceful center.

I had a bottle in the fridge for two weeks.  I thought about it last week, off and on, and found myself saying, "Hmmm! It will be nice to have a glass of wine this weekend."  The more hectic and chaotic the circumstances around me seemed, the more I looked forward to that glass of wine.  The weekend came and I felt like I would soon be fulfilled.  I turned to my partner on Saturday night and asked him if he wanted a glass of wine.  He didn't.  He wanted a hot Toddy instead.  So I thought to myself. I am not going to open a bottle just for me.  I will make both of us a toddy and save the wine for next week .  I heard myself rationalizing, "whatever is in the wine is in the toddy...I will just be forgoing on the "wine experience"but still getting the essence of the  drink ( they don't call it "spirits" for nothing lol) ".  I drank the hot toddy but really did not enjoy it.

This week I thought, off and on, about having a glass of wine last night.  Evening  came and I turned to my partner and asked him if he wanted a glass. He said yes and my heart skipped. "Great!" I said cause I really wanted a glass of wine.  I was, all week, thinking about the suffering of others, feeling some internal pain and anx and I had this idea that while I sipped on that wine...and had that relaxing, mindful experience I get, it would all go away.  I could truly shut it all out and relax. I would find the peace I am always looking for. 

So I poured us a glass, me a little bit more than my partner, and I sat down to enjoy it.  It was a lovely wine. I really liked the taste, the feel of the chilled glass in my hand, the fact that my partner was having a glass with me.  I was enjoying the experience.  Halfway through his glass, my partner put it down and decided he wanted to go to bed.  I was like "What? You cannot leave me now.  I was waiting for this moment all week. ...for two weeks actually." 

He went to bed and I sat there,sipping on my wine feeling rather dejected.  Then I looked over at the remainder in his glass.  The little voice came back...and it was not judging me or attempting to make me feel guilty...it was just pointing out what was going on. "You are very attached to this wine experience, aren't you?" It said. "You are getting a bit consumed with a craving.  You are attempting to use something external to momentarily make things better inside for you but you know that it is not how it works."

 I  listened to this wisdom.  I heard it. I agreed with it. It sunk in and I knew I had a decision to make.  Do you know what I did? 

I reached over, picked up my partner's glass and poured it in my own.  I sat there and drank the wine  while I watched Chocolate School on Netflix. I was completely aware and conscious, listening to my higher Self and I still made a conscious decision to drink. This, the same night, I gave into eating four muffins...a night when I was on the watch out for the addictive tendencies  in others. 

It was a night I let craving win. Wow!...a lot of learning there. 

I walk away from these two experiences realizing how subtle and at the same time how powerful craving can be. Yes...I can see how it can easily lead to greater issues than eating a few too many muffins or drinking one and a half glasses of wine on a Saturday night.  

The wise voice withing me is absolutely right. We do have to be careful! I have to be careful whenever craving is around. 

All is well. 

Driving in Neutral

The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When attachment and aversion are both absent, the way is clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.

On the Faith of Mind by The Third Zen Ancestor

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's passing, six years ago. I always get a bit nostalgic around this time.  I am actually wearing a pair of his old wool socks. I  have inherited a lot of his traits including poor circulation to the feet and hands lol. So the socks are a nice, practical way to remember him. 

Anyway, all is well.

More on Clinging/Attachment and Aversion 

Thinking of what I have been writing about in the last few entries about how we are conditioned to cling to that which we assume will bring pleasant feelings, and how we learn to push away ( by resisting, suppressing, repressing, avoiding, distracting, numbing etc) that which we assume will bring unpleasant feelings.  As I was meditating today, the sentence came to mind " Choose to drive in neutral!" It immediately dawned on me what this meant.

"Choose to drive in Neutral!" 

When we are craving and seeking to cling...it is like we are driving a car with the  gear in drive or even overdrive.  We are looking to get to some desired destination in front of us very fast.  When we are resisting or lost in aversion...it is like we have our gear in reverse.  We want to back away and retreat.  We are always shifting our psyches and therefore our behavioral choices.  We are constantly   going forward and then backing up...forward, and back, forward and back. We really are not getting anywhere with this constant shifting.

Well according to Buddhist teaching, besides Drive and Reverse, there is another option on our feeling and reactivity gear shift and that is Neutral.  We can shift our vehicles( body and mind) into Neutral.

Say what crazy lady?  We can't go anywhere in Neutral? 

The only time most of us shift our gears into Neutral is when we are stuck in something, broken down  or when we run out of gas.  At those times we shift our gears and depend on someone or something  to pull or push us  to our destination. Right?

Not Getting Anywhere in Drive or Reverse

Well, aren't most of us stuck now?  Aren't most of us broken in some way or drained of our energy fuel because of this constant craving and resisting our psyches have us doing? ? Are you getting any closer to your destination by constantly switching from Drive to Reverse? No...I guess your present habitual tendencies of reacting to Life are not getting you very far.  And that is what you are doing...reacting.  Life hands you something, it touches something inside you, and you judge it as potentially pleasant making or unpleasant making.  If it is pleasant you want more of it...you drive forward.  If it is unpleasant, you want less of it.  You drive backwards. You are probably going into reverse just as much as you are going forward....all because of these feelings of pleasant and unpleasant. That is fatiguing and crazy making and it gets you nowhere. 

Trying to Control the Drive

Hmm!  You are also trying o control this drive, this journey, as if you know better where you should be going and what you should be doing than Life does.

Now...it is true when you shift into Neutral...you have little control over the drive. You have  to do a lot of coasting and maybe even have to be pushed along by external forces.  Sometimes you don't go anywhere ...but there is no strain...no craving and clinging to the pleasant...no resisting or pushing or backing away from the unpleasant. You are not reacting!  There is just you and Life's road.  You are allowing Life to do the driving and you observe, participate and allow yourself to be carried.  You can still steer but it is not all about you. 

Though it seems counter-intuitive, we will probably get to where we are going a lot quicker and a lot more enjoyably this way...than if we are constantly shifting gears back and forth, exhausting ourselves and driving ourselves crazy in the process.

This is equanimity or what Lao Tzu called the middle way.   This will bring you to where you truly want to go...to the quiet peaceful center of Self.  The Neutral experience is a much easier ride through Life.  

All is well! 

Samtusta

 Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Lao Tzu

The cause of suffering

I am still pondering the idea of craving and resistance to what is as the source of all our suffering. I am thinking about how we, as a collective, are conditioned to seek "out there"  for that which will bring the pleasant within us and that which will keep the unpleasant out of what we believe are our personal lives. All this grasping, clinging or pushing away will not solve our so called problems or give us what we are seeking.  With each thing we get, we are happy for a moment, relieved from pain for a moment, but it doesn't last. We get that, right? Yet, the craving and resistance will not stop until we do.  

We believe that the "not having" the things that we assume will  bring relief from pain, or that will bring us closer to pleasure in the form of fulfillment, happiness and contentment is the "problem".  If we do not have enough money...that's a problem.  If we don't have enough success...that's a problem.  If we do not have enough recognition or social status...that is a problem.  If we do not live in the right house, or drive the right car...that is a problem.  If we do not have a loving partner...that is a problem.  If we don't have the same experiences everyone seems to be having on our social media pages...that is a problem.  If life isn't unfolding in front of us the way we think it "should" be...that is a problem.   If we don't feel good all the time...that is a  problem.  I can assure you...these things are not the problem.  

Nothing Out There Is the Problem; Craving Is

Nothing out there is the problem and nothing out there is the solution.  It is an internal game.  Our minds are the problem. Our thoughts, beliefs and mixed up emotions create, in many of us, a very stormy internal environment. We often feel, as separate little selves,  like we are not enough.  That we must defend and attack our way to achieving that which will make us feel okay.   That is why the Buddha said 

...I do not envision one other fetter-fettered by which beings conjoined go wandering and transmigrating for a long, long time-like the fetter of craving

Hmm! 

Samtusta

The thing is we already have all the conditions we need to be happy and free from suffering within us. We just do not  realize that because we are too busy chasing after all the so called remedies out there for our misconception of problem. We fail to feel that sense of contentment which is termed Samtusta in Sanskrit.

Contentment with what we have right here and right now is the ultimate experience really where we no longer feel the need to push away or seek and grasp. We just are. 

Samtusta at Christmas?

Of course, I am not there yet. lol.  I realize how much I still grasp and avert when Christmas comes.  Every year I say to myself : Christmas is about presence not presents. I try to steer away from the cultural conditioning in me and around me.  And every year I still give into it.  I gave into it this year and found myself online shopping .  Getting one thing for one person...than realizing it was not enough...adding another gift to that...and that meant adding another to another person's. It just kept building and building until  much money,(money...I do not have) was spent to create an appearance of thoughtful giving.  Now, I did make it a point to cut back on how much I bought and who I gave to this year. ...which hopefully will help.  I focused on making and creating...which takes time and yeah...maybe a bit of stress.  I have to start and finish my second baby blanket in 14 days.  Yikes! There are so many things I want to make and do for others but they do not have to be done before Christmas.  I will complete them one  project at a time...and hand them out throughout the new year to avoid at least some of this stress and suffering that can come with a commercialized version of Christmas. So it is better...my approach to dealing with this time of year...but I am definitely still caught up in the collective seasonal craving.

I wish that this year I could put a big parcel under the tree for everyone and when opened what they would find is just empty space and a tiny little card at the bottom that said "Samtusta". Upon reading that card, everyone would just experience absolute contentment with all they have right now. They would suddenly realize that they already have everything they need for  their own happiness within them.  Wouldn't that be the perfect gift?   

All is well.

Brother Freedom/Deer Park Monastery (Sept, 2021) Samtusta: Happy Enoughhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT00yZXCKfU

Not the Problem

 

Craving brings pain; craving brings fear. If you do not  yield to  craving you will be free from  pain and fear.

The Buddha

Relieving Pain

So you have a belly ache that you are holding back lamenting about to your friend. You are curling forward into a little ball with a clenched fist to your abdomen. 

Your friend, concerned, asks,"What's wrong?" 

"Life sucks right now. Gut's hurting cuz I ran out of Pepto Bismuth."

"That's not good man.  I will run to the store and get you some."

"That would be great. Appreciate it!"

When he comes back to you with a big bottle of the pink stuff, you gulp down a big swig and within about ten minutes you are feeling pretty good.

"All better?" your friend asks seeing the relief on your face and in your posture. 

"Yep!  Problem solved. Life is pretty good right now." You answer with a smile on your face because Life in that moment is pretty darned good. You have no pain. 

Hmm! What is wrong with this scenario? What was the cause of  your problem? The fact that you didn't have something on you that relieved pain?  Was that the real problem?  

If so...let's look at this way.

Craving

Your friend is an intravenous drug user just out of rehab where he had no drug in his system for three months.  He now has such a low  tolerance to the stuff that a hit could kill him. He wants to stay clean but also knows it would feel so very good to get high, almost like the first time. He goes back out around his friends who are using and he is suddenly overwhelmed by craving, so much so he is almost in physical pain, bending over with fist to belly when you come across him.

Concerned , you ask, "What's wrong Bud?"

" I need a hit."

"You don't have one to take?"

"No."

"Well I will go get one for you."

And you being the good friend, go out and score a hit for him.  You gather some external remedy for his pain and  bring it back just when his craving is at its peek. He takes it.

Within minutes, one way or another, you are going to see a more peaceful looking friend. If he survives it, he will likely be in bliss, on top of the world. You did good then, didn't you?  You ended the craving. You solved the problem . You ended the suffering of your friend by giving him that external thing that was missing from his life, that thing he so desperately desired, just like your friend ended your suffering by giving you what was missing from yours that could bring relief...the Pepto Bismuth. 

Did We Solve The Problem? 

Hmm! Was the real problem, you and your friend faced , the fact that  at that moment of pain and craving neither of you had the external thing that past memory told you would relieve it? Or does it go a little deeper than that?

Let's fast forward a week or two.

You have gone through the big bottle of Pepto Bismuth your friend had gotten for you because every four hours after the first swig you took,  the pain had returned and you needed another and another swig to stop the pain. You had your hands wrapped  tightly around that bottle all week in fear you would misplace it when the pain came back.  You clung to this pain relieving remedy to the point all muscles sin your hand and arm began to throb uncontrollably. And because you didn't want to put the bottle down you could only use one arm.

Your friend, if he is still alive, is now out on the street quickly building up his tolerance The blissful feeling he gets each time he uses  is never the same as that first hit he took after rehab.  He can't just seem to get there. So he is endlessly and fruitlessly seeking what he is desiring .  He is also needing a stronger and stronger dose each time and needing it more frequently  just to end the pain of craving and to avoid the pain of  withdrawal. He will do almost anything to get it. His whole body is breaking down because of his lifestyle choices. His whole life becomes about getting this thing. 

Wow!  Was the problem really solved in either case, then? Are either of those scenarios  the way we would  want to live? Do we want to spend our lives desperately clinging to a bottle of Pepto Bismul so we can avoid pain or chasing after something we can never get again that may actually kill us?

Of course not, right?  Yet this is the way most of us live  and the way most of us encourage others to live to a different degree. We spend our lives chasing after what we call a pleasant feeling and avoiding, at all costs, the unpleasant, looking to the lack of and the inability  to reach these specific things mind tells us we need as the source of our so called problems. 

Not the Problem

The first thing we need to do is get to the root of the problem.  We see that suffering exists , we know there is a cause for suffering and then we look deeply into that cause.  Hmm!

Was the lack of Pepto-bismuth the cause of the pain in the first scenario?  No, of course not.  You obviously had something going on in your gut.  Maybe an ulcer that needed to be treated.  All the Pepto Bismul did was relieve the pain temporarily. It was a band-aid solution...it did not get to the crux of the problem.  In fact, it prevented you from getting to it.  You became so dependent on the external relief you did not attempt to go in and fix the internal issue. On top of that, Pepto Bismul can make an ulcer so much worse over time. It can cause more illness and therefore more suffering in the long run. Our desperate desire to relive pain can often lead to full fledged suffering.  Your clinging to the bottle was affecting other areas of your life. 

Is your friend better off for having his desire initially  fulfilled in the second scenario? Of course not, right? We made it so much worse for him! He was clean for three months and now he is desperately craving and seeking for something he will never get again. The problem was not in his not having a hit...it went deeper, didn't it, to the fact that he felt like he needed the hit?   His addiction...his craving and habitual  seeking to use... was the real problem not being without a hit.  In fact, not-using was his only solution. 

The Problem is Craving and Resistance

When will we learn that any so called problem we have is an internal one that can never be fixed by anything out there.  Our craving and our over-resistance to pain is the problem...and that is an internal issue involving an internal solution. 

Nothing out there, be it wealth, recognition, success, the perfect partner, an over the  counter drug or a street one will solve our pain in a healthy, lasting way.  All these things, if we are lucky enough to achieve them, can relieve pain but will never take it away for long.  Nothing in the external world lasts so they are the most unreliable of remedies. 

We need to get to the root cause, our desiring, our clinging and our resistance to what is...is the real problem. We need to go there.

I am not saying don't take a swig of Pepto when you need it nor am I saying not to enjoy things that bring pleasure ( well...certainly stay away from the heroine!)...just don't see these things as the cause or the solution to your suffering. Get to the root cause.

All is well. 

Michael Singer/Sounds True July, 2021) The Michael Singer Podcast: Giving Menaing To the Time Between Your Birth and Death. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgNZs6_GmQs

Wood

 She ran a hand over the table's top, marveling, as always, at the wood's purposeful pattern.  Its hardships and identity collaborating in such beautiful script.  One of a billion survivor manuals that no one paid heed to.  All the wooden tables and benches and boats and floors that humans had walked upon, sat upon, danced upon, polished and swept but had never read. 

From My sister's Book That I have the Privilege of Proof and Copy Reading 

My Sister's Soul

 

Earth is a place where souls come to evolve.

Michael Singer

Wow!  It is easy to get distracted...to be taken away from the present moment and into thought or activity. I sat down here hours ago with the intention of writing down a tribute to my sister because today is the 16th anniversary of her death...and I got carried away by reviewing some videos of mine that others have viewed. I had people come in to talk to me. I received emails I felt I  had to answer.  I had people coming to the door with parcels.  I had pets wanting attention or treats and this strong connection with my sister just went out of my awareness.  Out of my awareness but not gone.

So much of our Life we spend out of awareness...not truly experiencing what is right in front of.

As I was thinking of her today I came across a wonderful podcast from Michael Singer entitled, Giving Meaning to the Time Between Your Birth and Death. It seemed appropriate or reflecting on a person's life.

My sister loved Life.  She was a person who was in awe of almost every moment that unfolded in front of her. She had this fantastic laugh that made everything come alive inside you just by hearing it and she laughed often.  Even in the hard times, she always found something to laugh about. She had a tough life and it scarred her deeply but at the same time, the part of her that was beyond scarring, always shone through, you know? Even though she couldn't always see it. She did see the beauty and learning in everything, though.  She had this connection with the ethereal...this understanding of that which could not be seen.She was so much a part of it.  She would have been aligned with Michael Singer's teaching in the below video.   

My sister wasn't perfect but she was lovely, absolutely lovely! 

Hmmm! 

 I wrote this months after she died: 

Sometimes

Sometimes,

I feel you here

quietly sitting in a corner

leaning slightly into

elbows propped up on knees.

You do not speak,

do not pass on your funny  stories

or your wisdom.

You don’t blow smoke rings

from  your MacDonald’s cigarette

over steamy cups of King Cole tea.

You don’t pull disobedient strands of long dark hair

behind your ears

the way you used to.

 

Sometimes,

I sense you around me.

Hear an echo of your laughter

rumbling between these walls of solitude,

reaching way inside my heart

pulling out smiles

from places I thought were closed.

Faint traces of your perfume will

sometimes

override the odor of the morning’s bacon

that lingers on my drapes

and I will think of you.

You become a warm feeling … then

in the center of my chest.

That spark that once stirred in your cat green eyes

 will settle upon me

making the hairs on my arms dance in delight.

 

Sometimes,

I feel your sisterly arm around my shoulder.

Everything I didn’t say or didn’t do

is forgotten .

I feel peace

as your forgiveness wraps itself

around me in the rays of light

shining in from the  kitchen window. 

I feel your love and I know. 

I know… it is all going to be O.K.

© Dale-Lyn; March, 2005

All is okay!

Michael Singer/Sounds True (July, 2021) Michael Singer Podcast: Giving Meaning To The Time Between Your Birth and Death https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgNZs6_GmQs

Removing the Sense of Obligation

 

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.

Wayne Dyer

I am so tired today and I feel a familiar knot in my belly related to the expectations of others that, even after all my practice, I still feel obligated to meet when  I didn't sign up for any of it. 

Feeling Obligated and Anxious

It is just a pick- up later this afternoon but it involves driving in what my mind judges as "an uncomfortable zone"...one of the  places I tend to avoid driving  for a hundred silly reasons.  My own children know better than to ask me to drive there.  My siblings, knowing me, often volunteer to drive me there if I need to get there.   I openly express, with some degree of shame, to others ( including those in my household) ,  how I am not comfortable  driving there of all places, that even the mere thought of it will produce a certain degree of anxiety in me and an extreme desire to avoid the experience for hours before hand. For that reason, I outwardly and with a great deal of assertion refused to drive there last week.  

I am expected, however,  to pick up this person today. I was not assertive enough, I guess , after I heard someone volunteering my service, when I said, "I do not want to pick him up there...I can pick him up elsewhere but not there.  The thought of  having to do so will eat at me all day. " 

To  which, the response was, "Yeah, I know.  I will let you know later if you have to pick him up."...as the person left the house. 

Confronting Fear Because of Obligation? 

Now, I know how totally irrational this little fear is.  I know how it would seem so silly to others who do not have the memories and learning  I have stored inside me of how quickly near fatal accidents can happen  or who do not have the same core beliefs I have. I know that my reaction to driving challenge is way over and beyond the reactions of most people. I know my fear is irrational. I also know that confronting, rather than avoiding, is the answer to such fears and I do do that at times. I have faced this fear many times and I know I can  drive there but it it is a white knuckle drive usually following hours of obsessive thinking about it.  It requires a lot of energy and preparation and it takes so much out of me to do it. Despite what I have told myself..."Each time you confront this fear it will get smaller and eventually it will go away."...it isn't getting much smaller. Avoiding is never the answer but...but...this confrontation has to be done on my terms, not someone else's.  

So,  when I am expected to confront this fear to serve someone who may not appreciate my efforts and who I, perceive, may be  quicker to remember what I do not do for him rather than what I do...it creates a whole knot of aversion and ill will within my body and mind, mixed up with the anxiety.  The challenge becomes even bigger than it has to be. The knot within my gut grows. The big boulder in my mind gets bigger preventing me from thinking and seeing clearly. It stresses me out and makes me sick.

Unhealthy Obligation Versus Unhealthy Anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety is bigger than the over-exaggerated sense of responsibility and obligation I have for others and sometimes the sense of obligation is bigger than my irrational fears. Both are unhealthy and not serving me.

I do genuinely wish to reduce my sense of "me-ness" and to  serve others in a compassionate and kind way.  Sometimes, however, that desire goes too far and I begin to see it as an obligation... I begin to feel   obligated to meet, not only the needs of others, but their desires, as well. I find myself in situations where I am denying  my own needs in order to "gratify" the desires of others. Hmm! That is not compassion, that is enabling.  That is not wholesome action for Self or for the other person. It becomes even more unwholesome when resentment is involved. 

So, I, sitting with this knot in gut and mind, begin to question my sense of obligation more than my anxiety. I had this inner conversation.:

 I asked myself, "Do you think it is wise to waste all this energy and to stew in these toxic feelings just because you feel obligated to do something you really do not want to do?" 

The answer was "No!".  

Then I asked ,"Sure, confronting a fear is a wise course  of action, but is it so wise when the only reason you  do so is because you feel so much resentful obligation? "

" No! " 

"Is resentment healthy in any relationship? Is it a tool of compassionate service?"

"No." 

"What would be the kindest thing you could do for others in this situation?"

"Remove the resentment, derived from the sense of obligation  that only I can place on myself." 

"What is the kindest thing you can do for you in this situation?"

"Remove the  pressure to confront a fear and  the guilt induced doing brought on by this sense of obligation." .  

"Without this sense of obligation, would you choose this  time to  confront this fear?" 

"No".  

" So?"  

"I will inform the individuals involved that I will not be doing the pick-up."

Sigh...the knot has unraveled within me and not just because I feel the relief of avoiding a fear inducing drive  but because this level of assertion gives me back my power to choose when and how I confront my fears. It frees me and my relationship with these individuals , as well,  from the strangulating claws of resentment . 

All is well!

Yin and Yang

Our civilization is longing, without knowing it, to return to the roots, to the being dimension.

Eckhart Tolle

Are you familiar with this symbol?:

It is a Taoist symbol that shows the interconnections and inter-being between all things we seem to label as "opposites".  In Buddhist terms it would, I suppose, represent the idea of equanimity. 

Balance Between Yin and Yang

Yin is the black section representing the feminine energy  of  darkness/night and the freezing tendency of heaven/space . Yang is the white section representing the masculine energies and boiling tendencies of earth.  Both are equal in their distribution in this circle, meaning one does not have more space or more importance than the other. For this to be a true Yin/Yang distribution of Chi, they must  exist in balance and harmony.  

Predominate but not Completely Yin or Yang

In the white section there is a black dot; in the black section there is a white dot, indicating the presence of feminine energy in the masculine, and masculine energy in the feminine.  Though Yin is predominately dark and chilly in its heaven like nature, there is still the light and warmth of earth in its nature. It has some grounding, some solidity.  Though Yang is predominately light and warm in its earthiness, there is still the darkness and airiness of heaven in its nature. It has some connection with the ethereal. 

Interdependence

Without Yin, there would be no Yang.  Without Yang, there would be no Yin. Their existence depends upon the other. Without darkness, there wold be no light.  Without cold, there would be no heat. Without heaven, there would be no earth .  Without feminine, there would be no masculine. 

The Human Yin and Yang

When I look at this circle I sense that the black Yin represents the invisible and formless realm of our existence, our "spiritual" nature. The "being" part of a human being. When I look at Yang I sense the matter and form that makes up our existence, the "human" part of a human being. Eckhart Tolle, in the video below,  tells us  that the Yin could represent  our being tendency and  Yang , our doing tendency.

There are very, very few people in the world who are completely balanced between the "human" and the "being". 

Hmmm!  If that were the case where do you see yourself aligning at this time in your life?  Are you more Yang?   Are you more grounded to earth, dependent on science and matter,  determining what is real by that which can be observed with the five senses?   Are you a doer and a thinker? Well if you are, you are very normal.  Most of us in today's society are leaning heavily toward the Yang. 

Or are you more Yin? Are you finding that you just might not fit in as well as you used to or that you never really fit in at all because your natural tendency is to be rather than do?  Do you feel a strong connection with heaven, silence, stillness...all that which cannot be seen or picked up by the five senses? Are you more "creative" than "productive"? More "intuitive" than "analytical"?

Now, in true Yin-Yang harmony in the natural world...neither is better or more powerful than the other.  Both are also intricate parts of the experience of being a "human being".  Instead of denying or competing with the other version, just recognize it in yourself.  If you are a doer, a Yang dominated person, you still have a part of you that longs to just be. Do not ignore that black dot within you.  Honor that part of you. If you are a "be-er" or a Yin dominated person, you still have a part of you that needs to do. Honor that white dot. Honor and nurture the Yin-and the Yang in you.

The Disharmony in the Collective Circle 

There needs to be balance in this circle.  According to Tolle, there is a lack of balance in the collective circle of Yin-Yang.  Our culture and societies have conditioned us from very early a es to develop the Yang at the exclusion of the Yin.  We have become compulsive doers and thinkers and have forgotten our natural tendencies and desires to just be. We fail to look beyond form to the formless, beyond earth to heaven.  Our human circle is definitely out of balance.

We need more Yin...more Yin dominated people to step up so that others follow. Hmm!

I am, and have always been more Yin and I always felt guilty and out of the loop because I was not more Yang. I want to express my Yin-ness and at the same time recognize and honor that a smaller section of me is Yang. I want to "be" more than I "do"...but I do know I still have to do.  If I step up to the plate...maybe others like me will drop their false Yang natures and honor who they are to create a more harmonized collective circle.  

So, if it is harmony and balance that is required for the healthy flow of Chi, we need to redistribute the weight, by adding more Yin dominated humans to the collective circle. 

Hmm! Something to think about. 

All is well!

Eckhart Tolle (October, 2021) The Balance of Being and Doing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j57b6TigGYM

Robin Wang/IEP (n.e.) YinYang (Yin-Yang) in Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy.https://iep.utm.edu/yinyang/

Serving the Moment

The person that has a mind that is clear doesn't have a problem with reality; they are in awe of it.  

Michael Singer

The moment that life is offering right here and now is not ours and it isn't meant to serve us , though most of us approach each moment as if it is supposed to give us something.  We like it when it gives us something pleasant and seek to get the same thing from all moments.  We resist it, condemn it, avoid it and push it away when it doesn't give us what we think ir should. This moment, here and now, is not an Amazon parcel on your doorstep that is supposed to have  exactly what you ordered inside.  It is not yours and it isn't mine.  It is a product of a billion years of Life  unfolding around us and before us but it wasn't meant specifically  for us.  It just is.

When we look at this moment, instead of asking, "What can I get from it?", we should  look at in awe and appreciation , asking, "What can I give it? What can I do , as it passes in front of me to make it and Life better for having done so?"  We would be much better off learning to serve the moments that unfold before us, than we are trying to get whatever we can from each. ( Michael Singer) 

All is well in my world.

Michael Singer (June 2015) Karma Yoga and the Surrender Experiment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo-SK7v08Do

The Crying Baby

 Any emotion, like the bell, can have a beautiful sound if we listen to it from beginning to end. 

Brother Freedom

Wanted to quickly relay what I have learned about the process of sitting with strong emotion like I experienced and wrote about yesterday.  You have heard this from me before.  Several different acronyms have been used to describe it.  Today I will use the R>E>A>L> acronym and the crying baby analogy, as I have done before as well. 

When we experience a strong emotion this is what we can do in a wholesome way:

• R: Recognize the emotion. Recognize it in your body and mind. How does it feel inside you? You can name it but do not get too caught up in the labelling or narrating of the experience.  Visualize it as recognizing the cry of your baby. Also recognize habit mind as it tries to pull you away from sitting with this emotion. 
• E. Embrace the emotion.  Instead of running from it ...instead of avoiding, supressing, numbing.  Pick the baby up and hold it in your arms. Be compassionate to Self and then be compassionate to the emotion you are holding.  Be willing to be with it.
• A: Accept the emotion, accept the experience even if it is painful.  Accept and allow the baby to express its needs
• L: Look deeply into the cause of this pain. Determine what is wrong and where the pain is coming from. Most of the time the suffering is derived from our resistance to what is. Determine what can be done, if anything, with it.  What can you do to stop the baby from crying?

After this ...if nothing can be done we accept it with serenity.  If something can be done we do it...we allow this experience to flow through us...transforming suffering into truth and freedom.  We change the baby's diaper and the baby becomes peaceful and content.  When we allow our suffering, without resisting it, when we embrace it and look deeply into it...the mind, like the baby, will  become calm and peaceful. 

Hmm! 

Something to think about.

All is well!

Deer Park Monastery/ Thay Ngo Khong (November, 2021) Practicing with Strong Emotions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4g_yEaE7D4

Lack Of Vision

 

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

Helen Keller

Excuse the typos lately.  I am having an issue with the eyes. 

Sometimes I have ocular migraines (without headaches) that start out with a bunch of squiggles and progresses to dark patches over the visual field.  I am okay with that.  I know they don't last long. Apparently, I also have cataracts though the optometrist did not seem to be too concerned about that when he told me. It was a relief for me to know why I was having such a hard time driving at night. I also have good old presbyopia that most people my age will have. So I don't see 100 % especially on darker days like today when my overhead light has burnt out and I am out of light bulbs. :) So, becasue I type so fast and really cannot see well (My new glasses cannot rectify the problem) ...I make a lot of typos.  I can inamgine how annoying they would be to read.  

I have also been experiencing something a little nore concerning for months now with my left eye. Pain and crazy flashing lights out of the corner of my eye.  Now...I know what that could mean.  I do have a astigmatism in that eye and have a tendency toward dry eye...no biggie, right?  That would be the less concerning cause of these symptoms. But unfortunately, there is also a history of retinal detachment in my family  ( I have been assuming for decades that all our heart issues, vascular issues, muscles issue [ herniated discs and dupetrynes] and eye issues are a result of a familial  connective tissue anomaly.  I have been shot down again and again whenever I approached some expert with that possibility and have stopped pursuing that long ago. ]. Regardless, I know I need a retinal exam to rule out the latter and that means stepping up, breaking through the long term assumptions made about me and saying once again, "I think I have something else going on in my body." That never works out well for me and triggers a whole host of circumstances and internal reactions.  Yuck!!!  I really want to deny, supress, avoid opening up that can of worms again.  I still do not have any specific diagnosis or validation for any of the health issues I have been dealing with over the last few years.  (I have given up on that too)   Still, if I value my eye sight,I need to suck it up and step up to the plate again. .

I ask myself...What would it be like to live without your eyesight?  And I try to imagine myself without that visual sense perception.  I would not be able to photograph which I have not been doing much of lately anyway...my good camera has some type of retinal retachment of its own  lol...it has lost the ability to focus.  It would suck not being able to photograph or even see the beautiful world around me that I so love to capture is some stills. I could still read, though, using brail.  I could still do yoga...in fact, I have been doing yoga with my eyes closed trying to tap into internal body sensations  and am getting better at that.  I would not be able to see my grandchildren's faces but I could hear them and hold them and love them just the same.  Then there was this big one:   Could I still write?  It would be difficult...but I could find a way.  I would find a way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do not want to lose my eye sight.  It is a valuable gift I cherish. I especially, do not want to lose it just because I am afraid to step up to possibly confront assumption and judgement  again. 

Hmmm! This was not what I was going to write about lol..It just came out.  So we will leave it here.

All is well. 

Gut Brewing

 Never apologize for trusting your intuition-your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right. 

Rachel Wolchin

Have you ever had an experience like this ? :

My gut is very, very activated right now...so much so it is uncomfortable.  Something is happening around me and I am not sure exactly  what it is.  I have had this feeling before and I can very quickly build some story around it...something or someone to blame for it.  Hmm!  Don't want to get lost in a story. Regardless of why or whom, I am just trying to sit with the feeling and not run from it. It  is so very intense and so very uncomfortable. My habit mind wants to pull me from the feeling into intellectualization or some form of avoidance.This gut brewing  is also very powerful, so, there really is no denying its presence and its urgent calls for me to pay attention.  Pay attention to what??? I don't know. I just have to sit with this. 

 Man, If I don't have a peptic ulcer by now ...I am certainly going to have one soon enough. 

All is well.

Telling Our Stories/Knowing Our Pasts

 We build our past.

Thich Nhat Hanh

I listened to a lovely dharma talk this morning, taped on Thanksgiving day at Deer Park Monastry ( see below).  In this talk Brother Phap Dung shares some insight into the importance of not getting caught up in one version of history.  We need to be open to different versions because the past is not something fixed and "over with". He tells us that the more conscious and aware we become the more the way we tell our story will change. 

Personal History

As you know, I am attempting to write my sister's story. Well ...more accurately...I am telling  my story through the telling of my sister's story. I am sooo close to finishing what seems like it could be the first of a series.  As it happened, I could not tell her whole life in one book. There are so many fascinating, hard-to-believe, and  intricate details that make up her history, I felt if I crammed it all in to the plot it would be too much. So I took a small section of her life/my life ..about three years to be exact...and built the story around that. 

Know Why and How We Tell Our Stories

Brother Phap Dung reminds us to be aware of why and how we tell our stories.  Are we telling them to express, blame, cling? Are we making it up so others will like it and think more of us and less of someone else?  If so our stories will limit us.  

If , however, we are telling them honestly, truthfully in order to help help heal ourselves and possibly someone else, the storytelling will liberate us and free us. 

Why did I write this?  To honour my sister's memory, for sure, to do what she never had the chance to do and what she spent a great deal of her life trying to do: explain to people why she was the way she was. That was my original motive when I started writing this over five years ago.  As I was writing, however, things changed.  The story became  an opportunity to tell my story as well through my relationship with her.  It became "our" story. 

I had to rely on   trauma memories which can be both faulty and fuzzy at times. So much more would surface, I am sure, with extensive hypnosis but I did not go there. I took what I remembered, probably distorted out of place, sequence and actual dates, to some degree and told a story about our past.  I am very aware, that I, as it is natural to do with memory gaps, have fabricated some details  in those memories of mine, as well. A historian, would not find it completely accurate. It was not my intention, however, to relay history.  It was my intention to relay emotion and share some wonderful life learning that others could benefit from while I honored my sister's memory and my own past with her.

I have been writing this book for over five years. Every year of telling this story, which just happened to coincide with my waking up to a new understanding of life,  something dramatic was changing in my "perspective" about my past. I was feeling differently about the events and people in it that I know have dramtically influenced and affected both of us, helping to form who we became (in the body and personality sense). Every year I write this I am, in a weird sense,building a new past.

Over the years my story has shifted from one of  fear,shame, brokenness and blaming to a beautiful platform of learning.  We go from "victims" to courageous heros...not through our ability to survive but our ability to love, forgive and be kind. What I didn't see clearly or appreciate enough , for the longest time, when I looked back at my past, was the beauty in it , the perfection of it in amongst all that chaos and pain. I have always seen the beauty in my sister but never appreciated it enough until I started telling her story.  I never seen the beauty and innocence  of the  so called villians of this story, either. I also, for the first time in my life,  began to see the beauty and innocence  in this version of "me".

Detaching

The more I evolve into this new understanding of life, the more and more I detach from this story, from the events, from the characters. I see my past simply as a story I can chnage as soon as I change my perspective. My story is not who I am, is not who my sister was.  It is just a story about minds and bodies finding their way on this physical plane...neither good or bad...just was. Learning, learning, learning. 

All of Life offers an amazing story.

Hmmm! 

Deep Park Monastery/Br Phap Dung (November, 2021) How to Remember Our Past. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE24wfLeel8