Learning from Activation of Pain Body

Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.

-Eckhart Tolle

All Set to Let Go

I am all set to Let go!  I embrace the idea of it. I am in the process of giving up on all the stressors in my life, and miraculously things start to turn around. My loved one with depression has a few much improved days, and another's financial issue gets resolved (with more than a little help from me...I may not be overly assertive when it comes to dealing with my own issues but when it comes to my children...I am a Mama Bear...watch out lol).

More Learning Challenges

I was feeling peace and a relief of circumstantial heaviness as a result .  It was a wonderful feeling that lasted for a day or two...such a welcomed reprieve.  Then Bam! On a day  I am feeling 'physically unwell,'  I find evidence of  addiction induced semi- criminal behaviour in a loved one who ended up under my roof...again... and ...and I have to kick them out...again. I, not everyone maybe, feels an addict has to be held accountable for all behaviour if there is any hope for recovery (and there is always hope)...especially the criminal stuff. I am firm with that.  

At the same time I am dealing with that I get a call from my youngest daughter that she was in an accident .  No one was hurt physically...thank God...but she was quite shaken up.  She totalled the car that was registered and insured under my name. Did I even make my last insurance payment? My heart sank to my knees.

The Return of Ego

Ego just had a field day with me last evening..."Really?  Like...Really?"  I found myself looking up again.  (Why do we look up? lol  Why do we assume that the Divine place with all the answers and miracle inducing capability, as well as all the power for punishment,  is somewhere "up there"?  Even if Heaven was 'up ' we are circling around on an axis...where is up?  Anyway...I digress. )

Ego took over and man was I feeling the effects of S-T-R-E-S-S.  I wasn't fit for company.  I was throwing around a bunch of , "Can you believe this?" and "Why me?'" like crazy.  I was convinced, utterly convinced, in some part under my skull that I was 'cursed'.  I had to be. Or I was really, really bad in some other life time and I was living out some pretty nasty karma.  I was a mad woman.

The Pain Body

Everything I learned to date about not being my life events went out the window.  I was them.  They were me...and I was pissed! No one, no one better tell me to calm down when I am feeling that way, let me tell ya, even though it is exactly what I needed to do. My physical symptoms become very aggravated by emotional stress and tension!

Ego didn't care what was happening in my body. Drama came pouring through the gates  and I clung to it and I flung it around like the monkeys in my mind were flinging around their crap.  I was a mess for a couple of hours, lost in what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body.

Why was I a mess? 

Once again, I confused Life with life events.  Once again, I confused who I really was with this ego of mine, this 'pain body' of mine . These were challenging things to deal with by themselves.  They didn't need ego's interference to make them worse.  If I could have stepped by as the objective observer instead of jumping right in...I would have felt much better.

I let the 'story' get to me...I got lost in it, too identified with it. And these situations  are just parts of a story.  That is what I keep forgetting.  It is just story.  It can be read, observed, felt and expressed but it isn't me. I don't need the drama...and though ego loves it...I don't want it! I have the choice, to simply step back and observe it.

A Little Help is Sometimes Required

The pain body activation taught me something. I am not going to be able to manage all this on my own. My external stressors are too much right now and my little human brain will not absorb much more.  I need help...probably should have gotten it long ago.

 I was reluctant to because I thought I could handle all the things that were landing on my lap  in a 'spiritual' way rather than a 'psychological'.  I strongly, strongly believe that every problem has a spiritual solution. Letting Go.   I will find the means to do so and live that freedom  but maybe...just maybe I need some help sorting out my external stressors, at least enough so that I can become aware of the beliefs behind my response/reaction to them.  I am still clinging to ego induced pain and reaction and resisting peace to some degree.  I  need a little help in letting it all go. There is no shame in that.

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, you want to suffer pain or both.  There really isn't much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this , of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will find that your thinking and behaviour are designed to keep the pain going. for yourself and others. If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane.
-Eckhart Tolle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ32Qycyrww

For a few moments (more than a few lol)  I liked being the tragic heroine in yet another life drama. I wanted the drama.  I got lost in it. What I learned though, through my experience last evening...is that when I can see the pain body in action, step back to watch it, accept it for what it is...it seems to dissolve into nothing.

The moment  you observe it[the pain body], feel its energy field within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken. The higher dimension of consciousness has come in.  I call it presence. You are now the witness or the watcher of the pain body...This means it can not use  you anymore by pretending to be you.  Eckhart Tolle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ32Qycyrww

All is well in my world.

The Alchemy of Writing

The true alchemists do not change lead into gold; they change the world into words.
-William  H. Gass

I am in love with writing again!  I am in love with the mystical, magical process of it. 

When I look at something I am responsible for, long after I wrote it...I am floored..."I wrote that??  Nahhh...couldn't have." 

But I did...I did and sometimes it is actually quite good lol.  Imagine? 

I am in love with writing.  It is what I am meant to do. :)

I am not too fond of the submission part of this game.  I would love it if  all my stuff, as soon as it is written, as soon as the lead was turned to gold, ended up in homes it is needed most in... making others lives a little more rich and full.  But there is a process to follow and like it or not, as a writer I need to follow it.  :))

And I am after all a writer.

All is well in my world.

A Story about Letting Go of the need for an answer

The answer is never the answer. What's really interesting is the mystery. If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you will always be seeking. I've never  seen anyone really find the answer-they think they have, so  they stop thinking. But the job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which strange things grow and mystery blooms. The need for mystery is greater than a need for an answer.  
-Ken Kesey http://www.artview42.com/ken-kesey-creativity/

I love this quote.  It applies to three categories on my mental map list: my health seeking, my awakening and my writing. The point is:  There comes a point  when we realize it is time to stop looking for a clear cut answer and just let the mystery of Life take over. I will live more peacefully, more healthfully  and write more deeply if I can learn to do that.

There is a story found in that wonderful little book I mentioned before, Experiencing Spirituality: Finding Meaning Through Storytelling, that depicts the value of letting go beautifully. It goes a little like this (paraphrased of course):

The Eagle Feather

There was once a postman who delivered mail on a reservation in Dakota.  One day he overheard some elders talking about receiving objects that bring  great power.  It was said that the greatest such object one could receive from the Creator was an eagle feather. Eagle feathers could bring great power, wisdom and prestige to the person who finds one.

The postman  didn't know much about this stuff but thought to himself, as he delivered his mail from house to house,  how wonderful it would be if he could receive such a gift from above. He was feeling a little down on his luck and himself, and believed a little power, wisdom and prestige would  lift him out of his rut. 

So he set his intentions on receiving an eagle feather. He had heard enough from the elders' conversation to know he couldn't buy one and he couldn't ask anyone to give him one.  It had to come to him spontaneously by the will of the Creator.

So every morning he woke up with this intention, "Today I will find my feather." And everyday he set out on his route with his eyes wide open and his mind in gear.  He looked up and he looked down.  He looked for feathers on the road  and in people's yards.  He thought about feathers almost every minute of every hour of every waking day and he dreamt about them at night. The postman became obsessed with eagle feathers.

He was so focused, so determined and looked so hard that all other things became blurred by his intention. He neglected his other hobbies; he neglected his old friends; and he neglected his loving family.  So focused was he that he lost touch with where and what he was doing  in almost every given moment and only thought of  how powerful, how wise and how well adored he would become once he found that feather.

But the time passed.  And every night as he crawled into bed beside his now unhappy and distant wife, he was featherless.  His wife became colder and colder as the days passed. His children grew up and away from him.  His friends forgot his name. But that didn't seem to matter.  He just became more and more determined to find his feather.  "Just wait until I have my feather ...they will see how it is all worth it when I am powerful, wise and lovable. It will all be good then."  He would tell himself those words and go to bed determined that he would find the feather the next day.

It never seemed to come.  He grew older and the people he loved drifted away with his youth.  Still, there was no feather to show for it.  After a long, long time of searching he finally had to admit to himself that no matter how hard he tried and how much he strived he was no closer to finding the eagle feather than he was on the day he started.

One hot afternoon a few months before  his retirement date, exhausted, defeated and discouraged, the postman suddenly stopped in his tracks. He could not take another step.

Finding some shade under a huge tree he sat on a boulder by the side of the road and wept. "Oh Creator if you are there...I have been foolish, lost in search for something I thought would bring me things I never really needed. My mind was absorbed by something that did not bring me or others peace and my Life whittled away without my being aware of it.  I have wasted my life looking for a stupid feather and have lost so many other "real" things because of it."

The wind blew a lovely breeze through the branches above his head and the man continued. "I am giving up the search.  I am going to stop looking for the feather and start living the bit of Life I have left.  I am not sure if I can make it up to the people I have hurt but I will try.  Oh Creator, if you are indeed real, forgive me for squandering this precious life you have given me. I now let go and let the mystery of You guide my remaining days."

The wind blew again.  This time the breeze flowed right through the postman where he sat,  filling him with the greatest peace he had ever known.  He felt the tension, melting away and leaving his body making him feel younger than he had in years.  His mind became empty and clear of any thoughts of feathers or anything else for that matter. He was at peace.

He sat where he was for a long, long time just being still and quiet in that moment with the peaceful breeze his only companion.  He felt very, very grateful.  He felt very much alive.  He felt more powerful, wise and loved than he had ever felt before.

A shadow passed over head.  Unalarmed he looked up to see a magnificent bird flying high above the branches of the tree, not making a sound, as if gliding on the wind.  He watched in awe as it passed by. 

Seeing that as an omen, the now content postman stood up. Just as he was picking up his bag a beautiful tail feather floated down before his eyes, an eagle feather.  Wisdom, power and Love (the "answer")  only come, he suddenly realized, when we stop looking for them  and start living the Life intended for us in this very moment we are in.

The end!

References

Calloway, M. ( Feb, 2018) ArtView 42 http://www.artview42.com/ken-kesey-creativity/


Kurtz,E. & Ketchman, K. (2014) Chapter: "Wisdom"  in Experiencing Spirituality: Finding Meaning Through Storytelling. New York: Penguin

Letting Go

How gladly does the Holy spirit come to rescue us from hell, when we allow His teaching to persuade the world, through us, to seek and find the easy path to God.
-ACIM-W-296:2:3

 

Hmm! What is the easy path?  I think I may have discovered it. Letting go.

I realized last night as I left my physicians office, a physician who has been so kind to me and my loved ones, that it is definitely time to let go.  I have been fruitlessly seeking  a diagnosis and treatment over way too many years, a diagnosis that I assumed would change my life for the better, that would 'save' me. I now realize I will likely never get it and even if I did it would not save me.  Other validation is not what I need. 

I need something so much more, something 'healing' and life affirming.  The diagnosis, were it to come,  is just something the ego wants...something it can use to validate itself and my story. It will, however, never validate the truth of who I really am.  In fact, it may take me farther from it.

See...life does work out the way it is meant to even if we do not understand it in the beginning.  For so many years I cried out to the universe, to God..."Why are you making this so difficult for me?  You know I am telling the truth about this bodily  experience...why are you not allowing others to see it?"  I resisted and struggled against the reality that others were not able or willing to see it for whatever reason.

If others were to see this minor little truth in the beginning, I would not be where I am right now.  I would be lost beneath even more layers of ego. As soon as I gave up my seeking for and needing this validation...I felt lighter and freer than I have in so very long. Without it and with the struggle of 'enduring' I have come to realize that I am on the wrong path...that there is a much easier path to be on, one that leads to where I really want to be. I want to teach and persuade myself and the world how wonderfully harmonious it all is when we Let Go and Let God.

All is well in my world!

The Body is a Neutral Thing

My body is a wholly neutral thing.
-ACIM-W-294

The Health Category


I am still working on the exercise I started a few days ago and am surprised to see how stuck I am in the area of health.

In the health seeking sub category, I  fear and strongly doubt I  will ever get enough validation and support for anything my body does or doesn't do  to make my circumstances improve. I have spent so many moments of so many years desperately praying for a diagnosis and treatment for my entire family to come through me.  Countless hours of fruitless wishing.  Now, I give up and when I give up I feel guilt because I know in my heart  this is familial. I know what is physiologically happening to me and other family members...but...I cannot stand up anymore to the shaming, assumptions and judgments from the only people I was brought up to believe could help me. I give up on getting sufficient help from  allopathic medicine. I will not seek help in that area anymore for my body, no matter how bad things get.  I just see no point.   There is a wall there and I don't want to even try to get through it anymore. I  do fear to some degree what will happen to me and family members if I don't continue to step up with my complaints. At the same time I accept the consequences and take responsibility for my choices. I remind myself that I and I alone am responsible for my health.

 In the mental health sub category...I know I am burnt out.  I perceive that I " endured"  much more stress than the average person can handle and I can not "fight" anymore. I have myself, as a result,  curled up in my comfort zone with a blanket over my head.  I am not dealing with life circumstances out there...pushing them all aside.  Though I believe that to do lists are ego vices,  I do know that to balance life out there with life in here...one has to do something from time to time.  But I am not doing anything, it seems! I am not dealing with all that has to get done in a healthy way and I need help to do that.

On a Positive Note:  I am Learning

As far as the physical...well I do my best to ignore my symptoms until they get loud enough that I can't.  Then I try to find the learning in them. 

An amazing thing has happened to me in this regard.  I realize that I have learned to detach from periods of physical pain and discomfort and see it as only happening to my body and not to who I really am. ...just my body. This detachment changes the whole experience.  I no longer become the pain or other symptoms  as I used to do.  I just observe it. I can't explain that too much because there are no words to give this experience justice,  but it is a very powerful learning and experience.

Though I still fear what might happen to me to some degree, I experience much less fear than I used to because I truly no longer see my body as me either.  I do not identify with my body in that way anymore. "I am not sick.  I never was."  Whatever happens to my body is not really happening to me. My body is not in the greatest functioning condition maybe, but I am not my body.  I truly see it only as an instrument to help me do what I am here to do. 

I do not panic over what is happening to it or what could happen to it.  I think I could get any  diagnosis right now and be perfectly okay with it. I would simply see it as someone's assessment findings...just like I am told by my mechanic what is wrong with my car. If I took it to a different mechanic I might get a totally different assessment. (I have seen so many mechanics over the years with so many different opinions that ironically led to a 'nothing's wrong' as my body was towed out and away from sight.)

So my thinking is,  "Why bother taking it in  especially when I won't get one answer and therefore one solution to the problem.  Besides I cannot afford to pay for it ?"  lol.   I have been paying too much in terms of energy, shaming, assumptions that led to negative life consequences and for what...a bunch of different opinions that did not change the way my body acted one bit. (Oh that sounds like a grievance...the medication I am on now does make a difference and there were physicians who also impacted my life positively...excuse the grievous nature of the statement.)

It's not me that feels the pain, that wants to faint, that huffs and puffs its way through the day...just my body. I mean I do not want it to be unwell.  I don't want it to konk out on me anytime soon  either lol...I realize, however,  I have little control in that area and I have little control over any 'mechanics' opinion of it.  I don't need the mechanics any more to tell me what is or isn't wrong with this instrument. I don't need their opinions and judgments. I just need to  accept the experience of being in this vehicle as long as I can be. Hopefully it will be long enough to make even a slight impact on the world in a positive way.

How's that for learning?

Its[the body's]neutrality protects it while it has a use.  and after wards, without a purpose, it is laid aside. It is not sick, nor old, nor hurt. It is but functionless, unneeded and cast off.  Let me not see it more than this today; of service for a while and fit to serve, to keep its usefulness while it can serve, and then to be replaced for greater good.
ACIM-W-294:1:5-10


It's all good.

The Walls in the Mind

As the mind, so the person.  Bondage and liberation are in your own mind.
-Sri Swami Satchidananda ( The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 2011, page 5)


So what have we learned so far about walls?

• We all experience them from time to time especially when we are travelling along roads that will never take us to where we really want to be (The road to More, the Road of Distraction, the road of Endurance, etc)
• We will often feel "stuck" like we can no longer move forward when what we were subconsciously intending to do was run away
• Walls are built on our resistance to the present moment and what Life offers us in those moments.  So whenever we feel stuck it is an indication of our resistance to Life.
• We too often resist the "unwanted", the "suffering" not realizing that it has a profound purpose in adding balance, learning  and contrast to our lives.  When we resist we build walls of fear.
• Walls, however, are not a bad thing,  They stop us from our incessant activity, our numbing distractions  and our running away so we can see what is going on in our lives and how we are reacting.  They offer clarity and reintroduce us to the fear that led to the building of the wall in the first place.
• Fear, we will learn from facing the walls, is a good thing.  It is a natural reaction signalling we are getting closer to the truth. We will see this if we stop running and start accepting and allowing  the experiences of life we have resisted or resist  even if (and maybe especially if ) they create "suffering".
• Once we accept and allow we open to the experience of  peace, compassion and love.
• It is Love that will take us through the wall.
• We therefore do not need to tear the wall down, to get over or around it...we simply need to go through it. We do that with Love.
• So what is on the other side? : truth.  What we are really seeking can not be found out there.  The special place is inside not outside. What we are seeking is the truth of who we really are.  And what and who is that?  Love.
• The walls then, if we see them for what they are, only stop us from getting what we don't really want or need.  What we really want is the experience of Life as the Self. 
• And where do all the walls  get built and where do we transcend them for freedom ?  In our minds, and in our minds only.

All is well in my world.

The Walls take us to our Self

-Me

Take a Good Look and then Go Through

Rather than letting our negativity get the best of us, we can acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit, and not be squeamish about taking a good look.
- Pema Chodron


Take A Good Look

We need to take a good look and that is what that little exercise I proposed yesterday was meant to help us to do. We created a map that reflects what is going on in our heads and then we tried to sort it out to some extent so we could see why we felt like shit.


What about that to do-list we created?

Part of the exercise had us write somewhat of a to-do list. Is that a good idea? Yes and no.

 Write it by all means but do so cautiously and only for the purpose of appeasing the ego.  It is only the ego that  needs to do...not you.  The ego needs to fix.  The ego needs to control the mind. The ego needs lists and steps  to get you hung up on. Know that. And that is okay.

 Sometimes we just need to quiet the ego enough so we can see beyond it. The goal is to see beyond the ego and get beyond the wall.  If the ego is thrashing around like crazy up there, creating mental maps that are as nasty as the one I am looking at now...negotiate with it, quiet it down with some pacifying to do list and then step back.

Sure if you feel compelled  to do what the list tells you to do, do it but do not get hung up on doing it. The list of steps for action is not what this getting through the wall is about. It is just a tiny tidying up and clearing away step. Don't make that list another category in your messy mental map.

You see, ego wants you to get caught up on this list so it can numb you from the pain.  Sure this is a better choice of numbing than picking up a bottle or a pill...so go for it... but focusing on doing and fixing and controlling is not the healing part of this exercise. 

The healing part comes in the feeling part.  Each of the categories represents something you are resisting feeling ... some experience you are not wanting in your life. 

By creating lists we organize our mental noise somewhat so we can see clearly what it is we are resisting.  We see that we were not really dealing with  experiences as they arose in our life thus creating one messy map to follow.  We create lists so we can see what those things are that we suppressed, repressed, denied, minimized, intellectualized etc...but more than likely did not experience.

We created two lists just to show what we have no choice but to surrender to and those we can surrender to.  We burnt the ones we had no control over and surrendered to them.  What do we do with the ones we do have control over?

Stop Resisting and Avoiding


Hmmm! we can get lost in following every step to a tee as ego wants us to do and/or we can allow each one  of those things previously resisted into our lives. We automatically have an urge to run away from them, don't we?  But now we got a darn wall in front of us and we can run no more.

You see each brick  of the wall that stands in front of us, that keeps us stuck and not moving forward was not put there by the thing on the list... but by  resistance we have to experiencing that experience.

Welcome and Allow

For true healing to take place we need to open up, welcome and allow for the full experience of Life.  What we have going on in our messy mental maps is what we likely refer to as 'problems', the 'unwanted,' 'suffering'.  We are putting our hands up to each of them and it us creating the wall.

Put down your arms, your shields and just allow each of these to be.  Allow them to enter your "being" and just experience them.  Life isn't just about the easy and the wonderful.  It is full of contrasts and we need to stop resisting the things in our life that we "don't want".  Let it all in...the good, the bad and the ugly.  If we resist these things, we resist the moment they are in, and if we resist the moment, we resist Life. 

Compassionate Abiding

If we really want to get through walls...we do so by becoming one with the wall.  We go through it! The Buddhists call this "compassionate abiding".  Penna Chodron, an ordained Tibetan Nun,  in her wonderful book, "When Things Fall apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times," advises that in order to heal, to get through the walls we have created, we need to compassionately abide.


She suggest an exercise to help us do that in a Super Soul Sunday episode with Oprah Winfrey. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm_0bw340Tk) Her instruction was as follows:

• Get yourself as quiet and as still as possible
• Close your eyes
• Breathe in "the unwanted" "the suffering" the "Dukkha" ...[whatever experience you have written down on your list that you have been resisting until now and all the feelings attached to it.]
• Breathe out any expectations and resistance you may have about it
• As you breathe it in, imagine it going to your heart.
• envision your heart swelling as necessary to hold the emotional experience
• allow it to expand as necessary
• then release a lot of space, a lot of emptiness as you breathe out
• compassion for self and compassion for all follows

This little exercise offers a moment of allowing and experiencing which is so much better than avoiding.  Our walls are built on avoidance and where does avoidance come from?  Fear.  It is all fear based.  Our walls are built on fear.  Recognizing that is a good thing because, as Chodron goes on to say, "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2464740-when-things-fall-apart-heart-advice-for-difficult-times)

So how do we tear these walls of fear  down so we can reach the truth? We don't...we simply go through them and we can do that with  love.

I love this from ACIM.  It reminds me of what will happen when we allow ourselves to allow Life to be what it is. All fear is past, because its source is gone, and all thoughts gone with it. Love remains the only present state...." ACIM-W-293:1:1-2

When we see clearly we can walk through walls that fear made and into a Life of Love, a Life of Truth. .  Hmmm!  Something to think about.

All is well in my world.


Have a look:

ACIM

Chodron, Penna  (2000  )  When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.Shambala

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2464740-when-things-fall-apart-heart-advice-for-difficult-times

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm_0bw340Tk

An exercise for understanding walls and clearing up the messy mind

Emptiness clears out the messy mind and charges up the battery of spiritual energy.
-Benjamin Hoff

Like many of you, I am good and stuck! I look at myself and my situation sometimes and I can't understand how someone who once skipped along all those roads I wrote about in previous entries finds herself so stuck now, seemingly unable to go forward, to move in any direction.  I am loose and fluid here in my writing,  like water heading for the ocean...but everywhere else I am experiencing one dam after the other.  Nothing is getting done and often these barricades seem to be threatening to crash onto me leaving me beneath their rubble.  What are those dams that seem to be  preventing Life from flowing through me? I really, really want to be free of these blockades...I want to live openly and freely. 

Concept Maps

I believe I/we need to know what the wall is before we can get through it.  What are my walls?  I asked myself that question this morning and took out a piece of paper to create a concept map around the word "Stuck". I drew a line from that word to other words "parenting/kids", "Health issues", "finances", "Social" , "House", "Writing" , "Relationship with D.," "grief/loss"

Around each of these subtitles I extended other lines extending to sub issues I am dealing with under each of these major categories.  For example, from "Health Issues" I drew lines around it: "Physical", "Psychological(encompassing thought and emotion), "Spiritual" and "Health Seeking". 

Around each of these I branched off further.  For example, with physical health I branched off to "Cardiovascular", "Muscle skeletal", and "menstrual. "

From each of these I branched off again ...for menstrual, for example, I wrote "menopause" and "pelvic pain" .

With menopause I branched off to "sleeplessness" irritability" "fatigue". 

I also connected all the things that were similar...For example..."Fatigue" connects many of my health issues even the "Health Seeking".

One Messy Map

I did that with all the issues...lines extending from lines, branching off into smaller and smaller more specific details and what did I end up with?  One big messy page. I looked down to realize that is what was in my mind, a  complete mess that was very challenging to understand.  A mental health practitioner would have a field day with me lol.

No wonder why I am stuck. If that was a 'map" that I was living my life by, how could a person be anything but lost. There is so much going on around me, apparent  walls sprouting up everywhere, only because I cannot see clearly enough through the chaos to know what step to take next.

The exercise: Control or No control

I knew I needed to organize my mess so I could at least make sense of it. So I took another page and made two columns:  One that said "Some Control", and another that said "No Control" .  I took each of the smallest categories on the map and created a separate list with that.  It is only the smallest, most specific detailed  branches that determine the quality of my life.  That is all I have to focus on.

That list would look something like this:

• sleeplessness
• irritability
• hot flashes
• fatigue related to menopause
• weakness related to periods of bradycardia
• dizziness, weakness and presyncope related to periods of hypotension
• chest pain
• fatigue
• risks associated with decreased physicality
• risks associated with pushing past bodily symptoms
• experience of 'high stress' because of excessive amount of external life events to process through at one time
• situational depression
• fatigue related to sit depression
• thought addiction
• resurfacing of shame and fear from past traumatic experiences
• shame and fear from health seeking
• opinions and assumptions made about me during health seeking experiences
• fear for family members not getting diagnosed
• guilt for my failure to help them through my experience
• lack of support
• fatigue from unproductive heath seeking

And that is just some of the small detailed categories that come from my lines around "Health Issues."  

Another Important step: Examine

Once this list of so called problems or issues to be dealt with is complete, it is really important to examine it thoroughly.  Know, before we go any farther that these are just your perceptions of your outer world experience, subjective thoughts that belong to you and not necessarily based on reality. They need to be examined.

Eliminate the redundant and repeated issues. Fatigue, as you can see, is repeated several times so we can just say fatigue.

Look at how you described the issues on your list, what terminology did you use? Remove all absolutes like "never, always", remove the musterbators like should, have to and must and remove the drama. For example in the above list I did my best to be objective and to the point without any drama but I did write "lack of support"...which implies that I have had  no support which is not the case.  In my health seeking,  I have had very supportive physicians involved in my care. It would have been better if I wrote " occasionally perceiving a lack of support from some individuals".

Next, ask, "Is this true?  Is this a real experience in my life right now?" For example, I wrote "situational depression" but I don't know for sure if that is true.  I assume it is true but can I diagnose myself with that label?  Do I want to? Maybe it would be best if I wrote,  "symptoms of depression in response to dealing with life events". Picky I know but it removes any absolute label from my thinking. So evaluate the truth of what you see as the details of your life struggle or your problems that are creating the wall around you, keeping your stuck.

Remove any futuristic or potential issues.  Life is "now" remember, not in the future.  Don't let your mind go there.  So I would remove the two statements I made about "risks". Stick with the actual issues not the potential.

These minor adjustments made on examination of your list should shorten it.  I began with over 100 on my list lol and now I am down to eighty.

The Control Issue

From that list and from that list only I  determined what I have control over and what I don't, placing the item in the respective column.  For example I might not have control over hot flashes and the weakness related to bradycardia so they go in the "no control" column. I do have some control, however limited, over the chest pain if I reduce my physicality...so that goes in the "Control column" .

The Control column

In this column of some control.  I create small steps that I can take.  They have to be "small" and clearly defined. For example, if my subcategory was fatigue" as it was for many of them, "what could I do to assist with that?" I could rest more, balance activity with rest, create a yoga sequence specific for fatigue. I can be honest about my experience of it to others and myself and at the same time change my perception of it.  I can change my thinking and my self talk about fatigue. That is what I have power over. 

The No-control Column

The rest in the "no control" column would be things I consciously released and let go of.    I have no control over other people's opinions about my experience of  fatigue. I have no control over outside help and lack of. This is the experience of my life right now. "And this is how it is."

Letting Go!

I intend ( have not completed this exercise yet)  to tear that column off the page when it is done and burn it. As a small ritual of letting go, I will watch this column of things I have no control over burn in the flames as if burning on a funeral pyre . I will surrender to them and let go all worry associated with them. Worry is a senseless emotion, right?  It is rendered even more senseless in areas we cannot change or make better.

Letting go...will not only clear away a lot of mess from my map but it will bring a certain relief and peace that I so want. It will allow me to take a step forward through the walls I have created.

Anyway, that is how I identified my  walls and began to find my way through them.  It may help you or it may not but it is worth a try isn't it?  It takes some time to do this exercise and it is important to not rush through it.

I also cannot stress enough....that all walls are just barriers we created in our mind.  I am confident that if we clear up the mess in our heads we will clear up the mess in our lives one tiny step at a time.

All is well

And this is how it is

A happy outcome to all things is sure.

-ACIM -W- 292

Imagine if we knew that...I mean really  knew that.  We would stop fighting and struggling against the present moment and just accept what is, wouldn't we?

If only we could make our mantra,whenever we face what Life offers us in the form of circumstances :

And this is how it is.

-Eckhart Tolle

What is your wall?

The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping stone in the pathway of the strong.
-Thomas Carlyle https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/obstacle

So wherever we  'think' we are going or 'why' we often hit obstacles or walls.  We get to this point where we cannot seem to go further.  Most of us will begin by resisting the wall and doing our best to knock it down.  Fruitless effort expenditure when all we have to do is sit back and understand what the wall is. 

So what are your walls, obstacles, barriers that stop you from going forward?

Is it one of these?
 

·         Illness

·         Trauma

·         Depression

·         Exhaustion from carrying a heavy load that belongs to you

·         Exhaustion that comes from carrying a heavy load that belongs to others.

·         Unexpected and unpredictable challenging Life circumstances

·         A lack of approval (Do you ‘need’ approval?)

·         Loss: of material items, things you identified with

·         Assumptions and opinions with negative consequences from others

·         Over exaggerated sense of duty and obligation(neurosis)

·         Habitual negative thinking patterns

·         Attachment to past: Identity of self, based on past behaviours and choices…labels. Maybe you tell yourself things like: “I am and have always been depressed, I am one of those people who is never satisfied. I am emotional, I am an angry person" etc etc

·         Rigidity in Beliefs

·         Sense of unworthiness for more

·         Guilt: keep you from moving because guilt keeps you stuck in the past

·         Worry

·         A need for perfection

·         A need for security

·         Fear of the unknown…of moving into new territory

·         Fear of failure

·         Shame

·         Justice Trap: looking for fairness and justice.

·         Procrastination tendency

·         Anger

·         Growing up

·         “Junk “ stuck in you

·         Perception of the world as hostile

 

Think about that for a while. What seems to be stopping you (and the key word is 'seems')? Remember you are weak only if you think you are.  Your granite wall can become your stepping stone

 

All is well.

What road are you travelling on?

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.
-Buddha https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/path


What road are you travelling on to this destination you headed for?  Are you travelling the road of "More", the road of "Attachment", the road of "Resistance" , the road of "Distraction" or the road of "Endurance" like so many of us are?

Huh?

The Road of "More"

So many of us take this road. The road of more is a road that never ends.  You know this is the road you are on when you get to the "Welcome to..." sign that was your goal, to find that it says, "...now go to the next sign for more." 

It is like you set out  with a mini destination in mind. You  are so hopeful that it is the destination that makes everything right...the place where you will find peace, joy and happiness. When you get there, however, you realize you have to go on further. It is not the end of the road.  It in itself is not enough. 

The place with its sign might be a job you strived to get, a certain income, a certain relationship, a certain amount of recognition or praise. You stepped and stepped and stepped, strived and strived and strived to reach this point, only to find that it is not the 'special place' you were hoping it would be.  When you, exhausted and out of breath, reach one sign after another...you are just told to go on further. You have to work longer, harder and do more to find that happiness you are looking for.

The thing is...on this road to more, you will never  get "there'. You will never get to that 'special place' by striving, and doing. You may get a momentary sense of peace, of joy and of the happiness you are looking for as you stand huffing and puffing below each road sign (below each achieved goal, accomplishment or attainment)...but it will not last.  You will realize you have not yet reached your destination. So you will seek more and feel the need to keep travelling along the road you are on no matter how tired you are getting.


The Road of Attachment

The road of attachment is like walking on a magnetic field.  We become magnetic and cling to everything we encounter along the way.  Stories, ideas, and beliefs stick to us. We cling to the things of this world  we feel we've earned on these journeys or what we have been told is necessary to carry. We carry with us many things to explain who we are and where we have been. 

Needless to say, this road is a challenging one. It is painful.  The more that we have stuck to us, the heavier our loads are. Our vision also becomes blurred by the physical world things that are stuck to our eyes.  When things are pulled from us, we feel the sting and the pain of separation and loss. So we are either gasping for breath under the heavy loads we are carrying or feeling the sting of loss.  Yes it is a difficult road that many of us insist on taking.

The Road of Resistance

Or maybe you are taking the road of resistance?  If you find yourself having to thrash away at whatever is in front of you...clearing away all the unpleasant brush of life that springs up on the path before you  with your mental and emotional machetes , this is the road  you are on.

"No!  No! No!" is the swooshing noise your cutting instrument makes as it thrashes away at everything each moment of your journey offers. "I have to get up there so get out of my way!" is the mantra.

Everything before you becomes something you have to clear a path through and with the blind  momentum of a seasoned thrasher, you see nothing but that which has to be cleared away. The purpose of each moment is just to get it out of the way so you can get to some moment you mistakenly believe is up ahead.

This is exhausting!!! The machetes are heavy to carry and the work required to cut away the moments of your life drains the body and the mind.

The Road of Distraction

Awe, are you on this road? This is road that is full of distractions.  With these distractions all around  we do not have to feel the pain of each step. It is a path that offers numbing pain relief for the blisters and bruises we have earned in the past.  It also  blurs what is up ahead.

It is an enjoyable path to be on at first but eventually the distractions begin to overwhelm  and over take us. We can get lost very easily.  It is path that takes us around in circles, exhausting and painful circles. Addiction can become the only thing earned on this road

The Road of Endurance

Many of us are on this road. This is a very long and painful road.  It is a dark and narrow  one as well.  On this path we choose, on some level, to  endure the darkness and pain without hope of experiencing light and relief.   It is a road many martyrs travel on carrying with them the false notion that  the willingness to travel such a way will bring recognition and reward.  It is also the road those who feel unworthy for more or those who feel they deserve punishment travel on.

It is a long road and a very sad one.

So what road are you taking? So what road are you on now?

Some times we go from one road to another in an attempt to get to the special place. I have travelled on everyone of those roads for at least a bit until I ended up here in front of this wall. Hmmm! We learn a lot about our destination when we realize what road we have chosen. 

First determine what road you are taking and then you will have a better idea about where you are intending to go.

It is all good.

Where are you going?

Sometimes it is the journey that teaches a lot about the destination.
-Drake

Do you know where you are going? I mean seriously, do you know where all your busywork, your doing, your planning, your thinking and to do lists are taking you? I know you probably have goals be they visualized or just scribbled down on a piece of paper under the title ,"To Do List" ...but do you know where they are taking you?

Where do you really want to be?  I am sure you can tell me what you want to 'achieve', what you want to 'attain' , what you want to be recognized for... but where do you want to 'be'?

Like me, you might have your head down and you are focused on getting to some destination in your mind but do you clearly see what the destination is in terms of experience?  Why are you doing the things you are doing?  Why are you taking one step at a time?  Where are you going?

Sometimes, as Drake above says, we don't know what the destination is all about until we are moving toward it.  Sometimes we become quite surprised that we are going in the wrong direction or for the wrong reasons. Hmm!

We need to know where we are going and we need to question , "Why?" and is "This what I really want and need?"

It is all good!

Another Series

There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way.
-Wayne Dyer

Still stuck on this topic about being stuck lol. Synchronicity stepped in and brought the wisdom of one of my favorite mentors in this area to me.  I came across some videos from Wayne dyer recently that brought me back to some of the things he has taught me over the years.  

From his wisdom, and the wisdom I have gained from others and from experience.  I would like to start another little series on getting past these barriers or ruts. In that series I would like to talk about:

• Where we believe we are going before we hit the walls
• What those walls are for most of us
• How to get through them
• The Gifts in the Wall: What the process teaches about Life

Hmmm!  Once again I cannot help myself lol (Well I can but you know what I mean...I don't want to  lol).

It is all good.

These guys know where they are going....

What we could learn from them

Obstacles

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
-Frank A. Clark. https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/obstacles

Okay!  That story came out of me rather quickly and I am not sure if I should apologize to you or my ego for it lol.  In my defense, it made some valid points in an odd way. 

Being stuck, mental ruts, complicated life situations, problems, burn out or depression...whatever you see it as...creates a wall in our lives that we can not seem to get over or around. 

We usually begin by resisting it , "cursing' it for being in the way or for  stopping our brain dead momentum that we 'assumed' was taking us somewhere. In resistance to what is, we express internally and externally how unfair it all is, how it 'shouldn't be' etc.  and we struggle against the wall which is the present moment we are in. We want to get to some elusive place that exists in the future and therefore do not appreciate being stuck in the moment that is less than appealing by this 'obstacle'. 

After resisting we may decide to wait...we wait for someone or something outside ourselves to happen, to make it all better.  Maybe we are relying on circumstances changing, on people changing and giving us what we want.  Maybe we are relying on drugs like antidepressants to make it all better. Maybe we are waiting for specialists to take us seriously enough to help us get better. We can wait for the universe or others to come in to rescue us. The point is we wait for something outside of ourselves to tear down the wall so we can go on with our momentum. We can wait a long, long time. Again this is all based on externals...If we believe the cause of the problem is external, therefore the solution has to be.

Eventually we have to realize that it is up to us.  We are responsible for getting to the other side.  Sure we can use some help and support but the 'doing' is ours.

Can we climb the wall? Well if you are in a good enough rut, probably not. The wall may be tall and we may be very, very tired.  The mere idea of scaling the wall to get over it  is fatiguing.  So much so it seems impossible to begin.

What about getting around it? Maybe we have pondered and pondered ways to get around the wall or maybe our minds are too tired to problem solve.  Usually if we are stuck we do not see the way around the problem either . So getting  up and over or around the wall may require way too much effort and energy that we do not feel we have.

In frustration, we may attempt to resist and struggle against the barrier again...only exhausting ourselves even more.

So when that fails what do we do?  We may then deny the barrier and the impact it has on our lives.  We may settle into the rut /the life on this side of the wall...making it our comfort zone. That may keep us safe and somewhat 'content' but it isn't really living, is it?  As soon as we stop expanding, growing, moving forward...we are stuck as stuck can be.

Hmmm! So resisting, waiting, climbing over or around  and finding comfort in denial is not going to work to get us out of this rut,  right?

What do we need to  do?

We need to listen to the inner wisdom that comes in the silence.  Say what???  We just get still and quiet, stop spinning those darned tires and just listen to the wisdom that is within.  That old lady by the way was meant to represent the woman's/my inner wisdom...just in case you didn't get that one lol.

Ask the questions, ponder the answers.  See what comes up.

Usually what we will find is that the only way beyond a wall is to  go through it.  We have to accept that it ...whatever it is (the problem, the circumstance, the mental rut, the negative thinking, the illness, the depression) is there in front of us.  We do need to accept it and experience it. 

Then we need to  pick our way through it.  Take one small action after another. May seem like it will take forever and it is as tedious and challenging as digging a tunnel with a spoon but we do need to take one small action at a time.

Each little effort we make to get through it is going to heal us in some way.  We are trying! We are moving forward.

We will get through whatever it is, as long as we do not allow ourselves to stay stuck.  That part is up to us!

All is well.

The Wall

Story time!!!

I have another analogy to describe how I and my loved ones who are presently suffering from mental ruts  may be experiencing (I mean...I really do not know what others are experiencing, do I? I should not even try to presume or assume.   I barely know what I am feeling lol but "I imagine" it is something like this.):

The Wall

Travelling to the Special Place

Once upon a time, a long time ago there lived this ordinary, easy to forget middle aged woman.  Now this woman  had been travelling for a very, very long time with her head down: plotting, planning, walking, working, fixing, and moving to get herself and her children somewhere special. She was not sure what that destination was  but...assumed it was a 'good' place, a safe place where there would be  no more need for struggle, worry, or pain. She was determined to take herself and her family there. 

When she started out, she was blessed  with a certain energy and focus.  She was able to pay attention to her goal.  She could easily swat away the interferences, and crawl over the bumps and find ways around the  pot holes. She  could easily ignore the blisters, the bruises, the aches  and the pains that her body endured as she travelled along this rather rough path.

Feeling strong and powerful, she did not mind carrying the heavy loads she carried...in the beginning. And it was a heavy load.  Even though  she was still clinging to her own past luggage that she was determined to bring with her, she carried much of her children's' loads as well. She believed it was her duty to make their loads lighter in this lifetime. So even as her children grew big and strong, she carried what she could for them, as she  huffed and puffed along the trail. In the beginning it was easy but eventually the load and the road got to her. She got tired.

Tired and Distracted

So much was going on around her as she marched along.  And feeling as tired as she was,  it was tempting to stop and give in to it. There was the musical melody of bird song in the canopy above her head that was like a lullaby to her tired mind.   There was the changing foliage and fauna that had the ability to mesmerize her and draw her in. There were mornings that erupted into golden displays of light and evenings that painted the world a magnificent red. There was also plenty of dark clouds,  cries for help, angry bursts of violence and travellers in need all around her. There was always something threatening to take her away from her goal or to slow her down.

Focus on the steps

She needed to keep going.  She needed to 'do' whatever she could to get her and her children to that special place.  By watching others up ahead, she learned that she  could close out all the unnecessary, the distracting things that slowed her down if she   kept her head down and focused on each foot and the step it was taking.   She  just kept moving forward, one step after the next.  A sweet, numbing momentum took over and she stepped and she stepped and she stepped. ...moving forward toward her goal. By focusing on each step all distractions disappeared...she did not see the beautiful sunsets, she did not see the changing foliage, she did not hear the bird song above her head and she did not hear or see the suffering that was taking place all around her.  All she could see was her foot leading her to the next step and the next moment. On and on the numbing momentum continued.

Not able to move

But...one day, out of nowhere, the momentum stopped.  She suddenly found she  could move forward any more.  She looked up to find  herself standing in front of this massive ice  wall (I am watching "Game of Thrones" now so I am picturing the ice wall lol).   She looked up, up and up and could not find the top of the wall.  She looked to the east and she could not find the end of the wall.  She looked to the west and she could not find the end to the wall. The wall seemed tall, wide  and thick...impenetrable. She could not go forward any more.

Resisting what is

She panicked.  She didn't know what to do. Her children, like her, were weakened by the journey and were failing around her.  They needed the hope her special destination would offer.  She needed to get to the other side.  She needed to continue moving forward.  So cursing and grunting she threw herself into the wall with all her might.  She punched at it, she clawed at it, she pushed, and struggled and did whatever she could to resist the  barrier the wall had placed between her and her goal.  But atlas it was no use...bloodied and bruised, exhausted from the struggle she  slid down the wall and crumpled to the ground.

Patiently Waiting

"Patience," she told her children.  "We just have to be patient and wait." So she stared up at the massive wall and waited. She waited for the wall to move.  She waited for the wall to fall down.  She waited for the wall to melt. She waited for a thousand others in their white coats or money lending suits to come with their pick axes to tear the wall down for her.  She waited and waited and waited and nothing happened.

Meanwhile, her children grew up around her at the base of that massive wall. Weakened from the journey and the waiting, they seemed to need her even more  to fulfill the promise of getting them to a better place.

Why?

With head heavy with shame for bringing her children to this place of going nowhere...the aging woman cried out to the universe, "Why are you doing this to me?"  To which the response was silence and then more silence.

The  woman cried out in despair and threw herself against the wall again. Tearing and punching, pushing and clawing she  cursed the people who put their axes down after one or two half assed picks because the wall was just too big, or because they couldn't see it or because they felt she  didn't deserve their help. She cursed the universe. She cursed the wall for being in her  life.  She  cursed it for showing up on her path, preventing her from getting where she wanted to go. 

She struggled against it one last time before falling in a heap of exhausted flesh to the ground beside the wall. Fighting the wall, she sadly realized,  would not help her or her children...it only weakened her more.

What was she to do with this wall?

Building a Comfort Zone through Denial

She decided to  close her eyes and pretend it wasn't there.  Turning her back on the wall, she told herself, she was exactly where she wanted to be, that there was nothing behind her.  She built  a comfortable  base camp at the bottom of this massive wall for her and her children. She settled into it, making sure there was no windows available to view the obstacle behind her.  She and her children  hid there for what seemed like  along, long time and she even began to enjoy the safety of it. 

She had built a cozy comfort zone for her and her children to live in. She told others as they passed by, "This is where we want to be.  It is all good."

Is this living?

When the children, who were also beginning to settle in to the limited space, asked, "Is this it mother?  Is this living?", She just smiled and nodded her head but the question ate away at her insides.  "Is this living?"

As she was pondering this question, one day,  a wise old woman approached the camp asking for a few moments of shelter and rest inside the younger woman's comfort zone. She was welcomed in and was made comfortable near a place close to the fire.

The Questioning

"Why are you here and not on the other side of the wall?" the old woman asked.  The middle aged woman was stunned by the question.  She had almost forgotten there was a wall behind her.

"We are where we want to be," she responded. "The children and I are safe here."

The old wise woman just shook her head and said, "What is safe when you are not living?  You need to get beyond the wall. Your children need to experience life outside your comfort zone."

The younger woman was becoming a little rattled by the older lady's probing. "It is not like I haven't tried!  See the bruises and blisters I still have.  No one is helping me! I am too tired to climb up over that wall and I see no end to get around .  How do you expect me to get beyond it?  You see how big it is!  It is impenetrable."

To which the old lady, with  a smile on her face and understanding compassion in her eyes replied, "Fighting against the wall is futile, exhausting and painful as you have experienced.  Waiting for someone or something to make it all go away is a waste of time. Denying its presence as a barrier in your life doesn't help you either.  The wall exists and it is up to you to get beyond it. "

"I know it exists", she admitted. "It is blocking my way and why would I exhaust myself any further to go nowhere?"

The Need to Go through the Wall

"Because you are getting too comfortable here when living is beyond the wall.  You do not need to climb over it.  You do not need to find a way around it.  You simply have to go through it."

"What?...How am I to get through that?" the younger woman asked,  pointing in the direction of the wall.

Accepting and Experiencing what is

The old woman stood up and held out her hand to the younger woman. The younger woman was escorted outside the camp to the wall she had been refusing to look at for too long. The old lady encouraged her to look up at it and to feel it, to taste it, to smell it, to hear it crackle beneath the ear.

"This is 'what is' ", the old lady instructed.  "There is no escaping what is."

The Tiny shovel

Then she handed her a small silver shovel the size of a spoon and she said 'Dig!'

"What?  You expect me to dig my way through this massive wall with a bloody spoon? I will be here forever."

To which the older woman responded, "Maybe.  Dig!"

"I will exhaust myself in the process."

"Maybe. Dig!"

"How tedious and slow this process will be."

"Maybe!  Dig!"

No luggage required


"Well I better get our luggage at least."

"No" the old lady put her hand up. "That stays here.  What you carry of your own past, and what you carry for others is just an unnecessary load that weighs you down and serves no purpose.  You will not need what is in those cases when you are on the other side, just as you do not need them now. "

Allowing Others to find their own way through

"And what about my children?  I have to dig a hole for all of us to get through."

"No!" The older lady said with a note of knowing authority in her voice, "They each have their own spoons and their own load to carry.  You just focus on  getting  yourself through.  You will meet them on the other side when you have made your way through.  Just dig, one spoonful of ice wall at a time.."

Transcending, Emerging  and Thriving

So the middle aged woman and her children each dug their own ways through the wall one spoonful at a time, finding a sweet and healing momentum in the shovelling...With each spoonful of ice the woman put behind her, as tiny as the pile of effort was, she felt more alive and more on purpose.

She and her children  dug and they dug and they dug until they finally found themselves on the other side of a wall that once seemed impenetrable , more whole, more strong and more wise than they ever were before. 

The special Place is within us all

The woman discovered, much to her surprise, that the special place she longed to take her children to did not exist in some unknown place beyond the wall.    It was in her all along.  The wall just helped her to realize that.

The End!

Mental Ruts

The rut of least resistance and least trouble is a mental rut already made. It requires troublesome work to undertake the alteration of old beliefs.
-John Dewey https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/rut

 I am on a bit of a personal mission, a mission many of you are probably on as well.  I am on a mission to get myself out of a rut I find myself in.  I have been writing about ruts, being stuck and getting beyond negative thinking for a reason.  I am writing about this because it is my experience right now. I feel stuck in a rut!

Stuck in the mud.

So what is a rut?  Well I use the analogy of being stuck in mud on your way somewhere.  You somehow veered off the easy driving highway on your way to your destination and onto some muddy back road.  There you  landed in a deep hole...rut....and your tires are stuck.  No matter how much you spin those darn tires you cannot seem to go forward.  Frustrating eh?  Depressing eh? 

You look about you and say, "What the front door?  Why does this always happen to me?"  After a bit of cursing, banging the steering wheel and kicking the vehicle (yourself)...you settle into the rut and stay where you are.  You decide to make the best of it.  Well at least it is comfortable, right?  Safe?  Whatever was up ahead will remain up ahead and not something you have to deal with, right?   Maybe being in such a rut is not such  a bad thing. If one is stuck they never have to deal with what is up ahead.

Someone comes along and says , "You are pretty stuck, do you need help?"

To which you answer, as you spin your tires for demonstration purposes, "There is nothing that can be done...see...I am stuck.  I have already tried spinning and spinning to get my tires out.  I will just have to wait until something miraculous happens with the mud...that it will disappear or something and the hole will fill in."

Insanity is doing the  same thing over and over again and expecting different results
-Albert Einstein

"Well I think if you do it differently...maybe try this or that...while I pull from here!" the stranger might suggest.

To which you will again respond, "Does it look that easy to you?  Do you not  see how deeply I am stuck...how big this hole is that is swallowing me up? I don't think anyone has ever been stuck as badly as I am!"

The determined stranger , if they don't walk away exasperated might respond, "Well...you are definitely stuck and it looks pretty bad but I think if we try we might just be able to get you out."

"Are you telling me that I got myself here and that I am not trying hard enough to get out of it.  Are you saying my being stuck is my fault???" you  might then answer.

Eventually the person wanting to help may walk away exasperated and you will remain stuck where you are...alone!

The Rut in real Life

Isn't this what happens when we get stuck, when we lose motivation to do or move forward?  Do we get lost in our negative thinking...seeing only the problem? Do we not see our circumstances as something beyond us...that we are victims to forces we have no control over?  That being stuck is not something we can easily get out of , if at all?  Do we not resist offers for help and suggestions to do differently because we feel  a certain familiarity and comfort where we are in our habitual thinking pattern? Do we push others away consciously or subconsciously?  Would part of us  rather just settle into the mental rut and make the best of it?  Is it possible we are getting something from being stuck?

Ruts can become Comfort Zones

 I am finding comfort here.  I am finding a sense of safety and security in an odd, unfulfilling way. Being a victim to life is a lot easier than being accountable and responsible.  If someone suggests that I might be responding to life circumstance in a depressed way , the claws come out and I hiss them away.  "I am not depressed", I will retort.  "Life is just hard, unfair.  People have made unfair decisions and judgments that left me here " I am simply making the best of it and finding a bit of comfort.

A ship in the harbor is safe but that is not what ships were built for.
-John A. Shedd

Hmmm!  I am just stuck.  I am feeling depressed and the only thing that will help me is if I admit that and am willing to move on!  The safety and familiarity this place offers me...is based on ego lies.  I may be  'comfortable' ...but I am a prisoner in my own mind because I choose to be. 

The only person who can set me free is me. It isn't going to be easy...I have spun quite a hole for myself ...but I can get out of this and be better for it! I just have to accept where I am, be willing to get past it and then I have to accept the help of all those kind others who have suggestions for me to do things differently...very differently than how I have been doing them.

I will write more on this later as it is really on my mind. :) .

Curiosity

The important thing is not to stop questioning.  Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
-Albert Einstein  https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/albert_Einstein

Am I mad for questioning so much?  Am I a sinner for questioning those religious explanations about Life that I was brought up and 'told' to believe? Am I crazy for stepping into the world of the 'unknown' when the world of 'known' offers a safe protection from all that may or may not be out there?

I used to think I knew so much.  I used to be satisfied and content to some degree with what I thought I knew.  I would sit at the dinner table of Life stuffed and pleased with myself  for eating so much. Now that I realize I really don't know anything...I am not so content.  I feel kind of sick on all I have eaten that does not make sense to me anymore.  It is a weird experience.  The more my body seems to limit me...the more my questioning mind takes over. 

But the truth is...I don't know...and I would like to know.  I am ready to put aside my pretentions and my false knowing for curiosity.  I want to know.  Hmmm!

What is Life all about anyway?  Who are we...really... and why are we here?  Where and what is here? Are we just streams of consciousness being manifested into physical form?  What is physical form/matter? What is consciousness? What is real?

Science offers some pointers.  Physics offer some pointers. Philosophy offers some pointers.  Theology offers some pointers.  Psychology offers some pointers. Metaphysics offers some pointers. Not one of these fields of thought, by themselves, however offers all the answers.  They just point in the direction of where the answer might be.

The answer will not come in an 'intellectual insight'.  It will not be something, if it comes, that I can jot down on a piece of paper to explain to someone else. It will only be experienced...and I really don't even know what that means. lol

I can gain some understanding of the pointers and I can learn and teach them but that in itself is so limited.   The answers are beyond words, intellectual understanding...us.

Hmmm!  Somehow I know that.

The human mind, no matter how highly trained, cannot grasp the universe. We are in the position of little children entering a huge library, whose walls are covered to the ceiling in books of many different languages.  The child knows that someone must have written those books.  It does not know who or how.  It doesn't understand the languages in which they are written. The child notes a definite plan in the arrangement of the books, a mysterious order, which it does not understand but only dimly suspects. That it seems to me is the attitude of the human mind, even the greatest and most cultured, toward God.  We see a universe marvellously arranged, obeying certain laws, but we understand the laws only dimly. Our limited minds can not grasp the mysterious force that sways the  constellations.
- Einstein
https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/62g1qm/til_albert_einstein_believed_in_spinozas_god_who/

Despite my confusion in my very limited mind, all is well in my world.

Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that sways the constellations.
-Albert Einstein