Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious.You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will an will not accept.
Anna Taylor
Still working on that bit of advice I recently received.
I am hoping that what I put here is read with a grain of salt. I am definitely no expert. I learn a lot from what I consider to be great teachers and I share what I learn. Most of what I provide, though, comes from exploring my own mind...my own internal reactions and response to life circumstance. I learn a heck of a lot from my mistakes and I make many! I have come to view mistakes ( wrong view, wrong thought, wrong action, wrong speech, wrong livelihood etc) as positive and valuable learning tools that help to take me to the "rights". So I share what I learn from others and from my own experiences. That, I know, is not for everyone. I am okay with that. I feel compelled to share anyway.
So in that stream, I will share, once again, about what I am learning about self-compassion and self-care. As I was saying in my last entry, I am very confused about the self in self care. Traditionally that self is the "me" we are trying to dissolve. So it seems kind of counterproductive to care for something you are trying to get rid of, doesn't it? Yet ...just as we learn with compassion not to step on insects just because they are annoying and in the way...we need to learn that we do not squish and punish the self ( even if it is just a mind-made thing) because it is annoying and in the way.
Upon looking deeply, I figure that the ego does serve a purpose on our journey. We don't have to punish it; we work with it compassionately until it dissolves on its own accord , once it becomes a shadow in the greatness of Self.
Body often reflects the need of that self. I have spent many days this week up all night caring for beings in need in one way or another. I had put aside the needs of "me" ( my body and lower mind needs) for the needs of others. I neglected "me" and I even punished "me" for asking to have its needs met. As a result, I found myself in this situation of semi-chaos...things are just messy and chaotic around "me" and me is in pain...physical and emotional. I woke up yesterday with a cluster of chest pain that is still coming and going and instead of being able to push "me" to do more I have pretty much been confined to the couch.
Emotionally, I have just been overwhelmed with the suffering of others and this sense of helplessness I feel in taking away that suffering even though I know it isn't mine to take away. And my old samskaras keep coming up to the surface, sometimes so unexpectedly and I often feel that pain. My outer world is a little chaotic and crowded and busy right now...so I am not having the time to practice and write and reflect like I would. I am not having solitude. Boundaries are blurred. My time and energy is not always put towards doing that which nourishes me. So that adds to the emotional disequilibrium I have been experiencing. "Me" has so many other needs that psychologists might point out that are not being met and sometimes I feel them missing.
This is simply a reminder that we cannot deny or punish "me" in our quest to be more evolved. I pushed myself too hard and too far. I neglected my own needs. We need to recognize the needs of "me" while me is still around and to meet, the wholesome ones at least, in a healthy way. Self compassion is key.
Anyway, still do not understand completely and maybe I never will but I will share any insight I gain to whomever might benefit from it.
All is well.
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