Yes, there are beautiful experiences, but they come and go. The meaning of Life is much deeper than that. Page 120
Michael A. Singer
Deeper than what, crazy lady?
Disturbed Mess Inside
Deeper than our pleasant emotions, even human love. Of course that is hard for most of us to get our heads around because we are so busy looking for something out there to fix what is broken "in here." Things like pleasant experiences, even human love, we tell ourselves is enough to fix, or delete the mess. At least, we convince ourselves when we become more aware of our tendencies, these things we pull in from the outside are enough to temporarily numb or help us distract and get away from the disturbance inside us.
I have a disturbed mess inside me right now. I am pretty "moody" and emotional. I am feeling negative and my attention seems to be drawn to the negative. Why? Because some particular samskaras in my heart have been hit by recent life circumstance and the shakti trapped beneath them is shooting out like a faucet with a partially clogged trap, in its attempt to be released..
Huh?
Emotion is Blocked Energy
An emotion is caused by the shakti hitting the blockages in your heart and shooting out to release the blocked energies. This creates enough disturbance to your normal flow that your attention gets drawn to these disturbed energies. Emotions are a release of blocked energy. This goes for both negative and positive emotions. page 117
Samskaras Blocking the Flow of A Determined Shakti
According to Michael A. Singer in Chapter 24 of living untethered, I am likely feeling "down" because Shakti energy flow is down, and that is down because there seems to be just a pin prick size hole in my heart right now letting the energy through. The Shakti on the other side of that hole is determined to push its way through, despite the interference, making me an emotional mess. There are big old samskaras...some past injury in my heart center right now. It is acting like a fat clot or some nasty plaque formation narrowing the lumen of the heart center artery. It is getting picked and prodded by my reaction to life circumstances and this in turn is disturbing the energy flow. Shakti is building up in pressure on the other side. It will not be held back forever. It is determined to flow. It has to shove and push and break away pieces of this samskara to get through, pushing memories and the pain of old unhealed wounds up into my psyche . What is able to come through in spurts and splattering gushes with the memory, is a chaotic collection of old trapped feelings of inadequacy, shame, fear, doubt and helplessness. This disturbed flow is taking "me" away with it. I am getting all tangled up and tossed around as it becomes my focus. Hmm!
Old Habits Die Hard
I feel even more pain than I would feel by simply experiencing the life events taking place around me. I don't like the pain. I find myself going back to old familiar tendencies or habit energies...searching "out there" to help me find peace "in here". I see myself desiring some form of redemption in external world standards...I see myself reaching for soothing pleasant experiences and feeling let down and beat up when I can not seem to grasp or cling to enough of them, I feel the unpleasant coming up and automatically I start to push it back down again.
Sure, what I am dealing with now in regards to life circumstance is challenging but it is turned into full blown suffering and dukkha by the reactivation of samskaras...these past wounds that keep getting poked. It is the old wounding that is really causing all the problems.
But I Am More Aware
What is different now, in this stage of my evolution, is that I am more aware of what is happening inside me. Though I still get tossed around, I am aware that I am being tossed around. I am no longer in the normal state of not paying attention. I am looking inward and reflecting deeply. I am committed to healing, once and for all. I am determine to suffer through so the heart can open and stay open. I want these samskaras out!
Its hard to believe that our moods, attractions, and repulsions are so dependent on our past, but it is true. In our normal state, we're not paying any attention to what is going on- we're just being tossed around by it. Page 121
I have a lot of deep wounding. So I think I am experiencing, with this sudden darkness to my moods, a broken or disturbed faucet flow about to become a damn bursting type of scenario,. Am I ready to handle that? I don't know. .I want an open heart...at all costs...which will mean dealing with some pretty nasty pain of second arrow wounding. But I am determined to heal once and for all. So... bring it on! Bring it on!.
There are much higher energy centers you are capable of experiencing, and the further you go into these centers, the more beautiful all of life becomes. But if you can't do the work with the heart center, you will never know the higher centers exist. page 120
All is well
Note: Though this chapter really made a lot of sense to me in so many ways, I still find myself confused about what "me" is and what to do about it. Several questions come up as I write this like "Who is the" I" that has the disturbed mess inside, if the true Self cannot be disturbed? Whose insides are we talking about...must be "me's" insides right? Because the Self is an observer looking in? Are we dealing with little "me" again? M y samskaras are "me" injury and wounding, not Self wounding, and therefore not significant or even "real", are they? So if we witness it all going on as Self / witness consciousness why be bothered releasing the samskaras? If samskaras are a "me" thing and therefore not real ...how can Shakti, which is real, be blocked by them?? I need to reflect on all this as well.
Anyway...just putting it out there.
Michael A. Singer ( 2022) living untethered. New Harbinger/ Sounds True
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