May you[and I] be filled with loving kindness, held in loving kindness. May you [and I] realize loving kindness as our essence. May you [and I] be happy. May you[ and I] be well. May you accept yourself just as you are. [May I accept myself just as I am]. May you[ and I] feel peaceful and safe. May our hearts and minds awaken and be free.
Tara Brach
What do I do with me?
I am having a hard time with understanding what I need to do with "me". I desperately want to dissolve the personal "me" so it isn't in the way any longer. I see the trouble it causes and how it prevents the energy of who we really are from coming through. I do. I see how we get all tangled up in "me" stuff to the detriment of being able to experience the amazing flow of Life, with all its coming and goings, in a clear and peaceful way. I see the unnecessary suffering that "poor little me" and all the samskaras and habit tendencies lead to for ourselves and for the world. I don't like "being trapped in "me". I want out. I want to awaken, be Self-realized and enlightened...as woo-woo as that may make this all sound. I want to be free from all this suffering or dukkha that too many of us consider "normal". I want to be clearer and wiser. I want my speech and my actions...what I give the world...to be wholesome. I want to be detached from all the "drama" personalities bring about. I want to experience Life through the clarity of witness consciousness not from ego. I want to get away from "me".
The Conundrum
Yet, though I am studying and learning and practicing how to do this, I constantly run in to a conundrum. These questions come to light: Am I doing this right? Am I supposed to just drop "me" like a pair of dirty socks? Or is there some part of me that I am supposed to nourish, nurture and care for? To look after? To stand up for and protect? I am learning that Self-compassion is necessary for there to be other compassion yet I am also learning that really there is no separation between Self and other. So how do I deal with "me"?
Desperate to Be Free of Me
Now I know that self ("me") and Self are not one and the same. Self is who we really are...the witness consciousness...that which is everything. It is this part of us that never changes, never dies, always "is"...doesn't get wounded or disturbed by what is happening to us or around us. Before we are fully aware that we are merged with witness consciousness...before we are completely yogic...there is this wounded "me" we need to deal with, however. In the process of realizing the woundless Self we need to deal with the wounded self...do we not? The "me":this personality, this body and this mind was wounded ( even if these things and the wounding are just perceptions). In the process of realizing that which can not be harmed, we are still dealing with that which we believe can be harmed and therefore we are experiencing or have experienced harm. Thus the samskaras. Can we be free of "me" as long as these samskaras keep getting poked inside this "me", constantly dragging us back to the perception of "me"?
Complete Self-Denial, Not the Answer
Th Buddha himself tried denying "me"...and detaching from me by ignoring the needs of body and mind. He tried starving himself, not sleeping , and even flogging himself ...in hopes of getting rid of his attachment to this "me"...but it didn't get him anywhere but deathly ill. If his body and mind were to succumb to this type of "me"-deprivation...he would never have become the Buddha. He would never have awakened or become truly Self-realized.
Until we totally get the unreality of self, how much do we deny it?
Hmm! Though I am far from undertaking the level of ascetism the Buddha attempted, there seems to be a level of self-denial in my process that is unhealthy. This body and mind I am in still has needs and wounds that keep getting triggered. I still hurt. I have been trying to deny them...push past them and give all of " me" away to the point I am exhausting self and becoming so depleted I have little left to give. I have so little physical energy, joy and peace in me. I made, it seems, everyone's needs more important than my own. I don't have what psychologists would call "healthy boundaries" . Someone calls me in need and I go. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how much I am giving up to go...like my practice for example or my sleep or my meals or my limited funds or my space or my energy. I just go or I give! If I don't act I absorb the suffering of the other as if it was my own and it will haunt me. I am so full of the suffering of others I don't have time to deal with anything inside this "me". I give so much I deplete my energy.
"What about me"?
Sometimes a little voice will emerge in my head saying, "What about me?" and I will squish it so quickly and somewhat angrily with, "Well it isn't about "me"! My goal is to get beyond me. Me doesn't matter...it is only in the way. Go away "me"...go away! "
Others will approach me and say, "You look exhausted. You are doing it again. You are giving too much. You need to learn to say "no" and set some boundaries for yourself. You have rights and needs too. You deserve to be cared for too. You have to look after yourself." And I will just look at them with a sense of spiritual superiority and smile as I think to myself, "They don't yet understand that "me" and "self" are just mind made things in the way of what I am seeking. They are not as evolved as I am."
Imagine! That is how all this "getting -past -"me" thing goes on in my head. And I and some other people tend to think I am such a giving, compassionate person!
Being A Martyr Is Not the Answer
Contrary to what people might say, this doesn't make me a self-less, kind and giving spiritual person...it makes me an unhealthy martyr. Martyr's are not evolved beings...they are people trying to gain something ego boosting through their so called sacrifices. Through my "sacrifices" I am trying to create order and peace around me so I can feel comfortable inside. I still have this mixed up notion that I will only be able to be ( or deserve to be, maybe) at peace and be happy if all those around me are at peace and happy. I am erroneously trying to create, fix and manipulate a certain peace in my outside world so I can have peace in my inner one. I am also trying to escape my own suffering by focusing on the suffering of others. On top of that, I am trying to gain spiritual brownie points so I awaken faster e And I am really not helping the other by doing what I am doing. I am enabling probably more than helping. Their suffering is there to help them grow. By taking it up as my own, I deny them that opportunity.
I know, through the Buddha's journey, self-denial and ascetism is not the path to Self-realization. There is a gentler and much more effective approach we can take. Self-compassion is key!
Accepting and Being Kind to "Me"
Eventually the "me" will be dissolved but in the meantime, in the earlier stages of self realization that most of us will never get beyond, while "me" is still in the picture, maybe we have to treat "me" like an ignorant and needy child. Maybe we need to be loving and kind to it instead of always wanting to deny it or punish it like I seem to have been doing. Maybe we do have to do, as the psychologists suggest,: set boundaries and ensure its rights and needs are met. Maybe in our quest to understand that there is no individual self, just one united Self, we need to treat this idea of self in the same way we treat the idea of other. Maybe we need to show just as much loving kindness and compassion to "me" as we do to those so called "others".
Undeserving?
Why is that so bloody difficult to do? Why is self compassion so hard? Why is nurturing ourselves not a priority? I suppose there a thousand root causes to this resistance wrapped around every samskara still stuck within us. One word stands out as the source of suffering for me ( and possibly for many others) and that is "undeserving". Within those wounds are some messages that chirp that we are undeserving as an individual self; that others are more deserving. Some core belief gets triggered with every samskara bump that says that, "Me is bad wrong or inadequate and therefore undeserving of having its needs met". And the messages we receive on our spiritual journeys that explain the necessity of getting rid of "me"...of how it is only in the way....may actually trigger some old samskaras in us that echo this message even louder.
Message Revealed and Reinforced From Departing Samskaras
Despite all my confusion about how I should handle "me", I know I am doing something right in my practice and with my motivation and intention to wake up because old samskaras keep coming to the surface. And these samskaras are not only releasing pent up emotional energy when they come up but they are also releasing this message into my mind. I am hearing, along with the wise words of enlightened others, that I, as a "me", am inadequate and undeserving. I think that is also why I may be overdoing it with the giving, and pouring myself dry, why I am having a hard time being compassionate with my lower self. I am listening to the mind's messages again..
Anyway, as I was contemplating this and looking to meditate on it, I came across this loving kindness meditation for self from Tara Brach with the above affirmations in it. I recommend it for anyone struggling as I am to be kinder to self as they attempt to diminish it for Self.
All is well. .
Tara Brach (2019?) Meditation with Tara Brach: Developing Self Compassion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYk-MldGDWA&t=1070s
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