November

 How sad would be November, if we had no knowledge of the spring.

Edwin Way Teale

It is raining out there, a cool November rain.  The skies are grey and swollen with anticipatory grief, maybe, as death reminds us it is coming. With barely a leaf left clinging to their branches, trees reach up pleading to some unseen force for the return of their lost children. The whole world stops to listen. For now there is no wind.  Everything is still against a browning landscape. And it is quiet...so quiet out there.  The bird song of spring is being replaced by the solemn respect for the mourning. 

Wow!  That's pretty dark.  Where did that come from? lol

I suppose its seems dark but transition is always marked by such grief , isn't it? We have to let go of what was, before we can move forward  into what could be and letting go is painful. 

I sit here this morning pondering the events of the last few days.  I obviously have not let them go and though I am probably clinging to those events and the thoughts and feelings attached, though I am still holding on to this "idea"  I have of what is best for "me", as the Oak tree tends to do with some of its leaves, the experience  is  not necessarily  "painful." It is somewhat uncomfortable because I realize that I am allowing it to take me away from my moment here. And my mission is to be present with what is.  I see  how I am being pulled away and though I keep coming back, I am surprised about how much I am being pulled, by how much of "me" is still in there. 

The Needs of "Me" and the Needs of "Deeper I"

What "me" wants and what the Deeper I wants are two different things.  Me wants to be right, to be honored and valued for all its so called achievements and accomplishments, to set itself above others because of it. I, as the 'me',  got cocky and arrogant even, believing that I was somehow "special" because of such achievements. I believed I should be evaluated and rewarded for them a certain way because it was "more than" what others had to show.  When I wasn't, I spoke my mind and declared the need for change. Now...in social and psychological perspectives, I would be told, that I was doing the right thing by standing up for myself,  knowing what I am worth and possibly affecting change for all by "declaring my rights" ...but is this really what the Deeper part of me wants?

Letting Go 

Deeper I does not want me to stick up for 'me', it wants me to let go of "me", and just like those bare trees out there, it wants me to stand in my naked vulnerability and just experience what is as it is.  It sees all those things I was clinging to and standing up for as completely and totally worthless. It whispers that they are in the way of what I want! If I don't let go, if I continue to cling to that which serves the ego, I will not make the amazing transition from a problematic and self righteous 'me' to a peaceful and Loving Self. That part of me I am still clinging to has got to die!

It is like I am walking down a November trail...caught between two seasons...In one season I am attempting to hold onto what is left of "me", the warm sun, the splashes of vibrant colour etc that are behind me.  And the season that is awaiting,  is a season where it no longer exists , buried under a pure white blanket of awareness...an awareness that will take us to a glorious season of rebirth.  We  have to have a winter before we have a spring...but we cannot have a winter, until we let go of that which we cling to in Autumn. November is the transitional month.

So just as the Novembers on the calendar are  months of confusion , clinging and anticipatory grieving, the Novembers of our transitions are just as challenging to our psyches, as we find ourselves caught between the vibrancy of October and the peaceful slumber of December.

Man, it is hard to a human being, isn't it?  As we awaken, we find ourselves  trapped between the wants and needs of  form and the wisdom  of formlessness. 

I am not sure  what consequences await me for speaking my mind.  I am not sure which part of me I served the most by doing so and just how beneficial it was for my inner growth, in the long run. I have no regrets.  I would probably do the same thing again.... 

I do, however, want to use this experience to help me let go of some  of my November leaves...I won't give up 'my 'rights completely but I will compromise. I will stand half way between what was offered and what I stated I deserved. I will stand in November!

If that isn't enough, we will let it all be!

All is well.