Empathy to an Empathic

 Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, hearing with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.

Alfred Adler

Empathic Versus Empathetic

Something happened yesterday which I  believe was a legitimate empathic experience.  I know, I know...it does sound so woo-woo, even for me who attempts to eliminate the woo-woo from mostly everything. I have to remind myself that an empath is just someone with a strong sense of empathy and sensitivity towards the emotions of others.  And emotion, whether we see it as woo woo or not, like all phenomena, is just an energetic vibration. I just cannot explain what I was feeling  by anything other than..."it wasn't mine!"

 I walked into the experience excited about what lay ahead but within ten minutes, in a certain environment,  I noticed that I was feeling strange and that strange little frustrating events were happening:  like not being able to get into a computer after several attempts , leaving my lunch behind, not being able to follow clearly written and verbal  instructions (which is never usually a problem for me).  I felt "off" almost immediately.  I sensed that the people I was dealing with were vulnerable and  required a special approach. I was sooo aware of their body language, the nuances in their voices, the walls of protection around them.  Something within me said, " give them room, approach gently when necessary and be ready to pull back as soon as you see they need those walls again. Don't push or over prompt.  They do not know you.  They do not trust you...tread carefully so as not to close them down." And I could sense that the friendliness I was receiving from some individuals would not translate in the same way outside of my presence. The whole time I had this desire to do things right, appear a certain way, please for two reasons: for a sense of belonging and for a fear of getting in trouble. I was unsure of myself and my mind.  I felt like I was going to get in trouble, do something stupid that I didn't mean to do and that someone was going to be mad at me for it! I have not felt like that in a long, long time. I felt confused about what I should do and how I should act.  I found myself sitting in my chair shuffling papers, again and again.  I was aware of myself doing so and found myself thinking, "Look at me shuffling these papers repeatedly...I don't do this...but I keep coming back to this activity! Over and over."  And my head was soo foggy and I am usually a clear thinker. I just felt so off!!

I kept telling myself this was a wonderful opportunity to open and release some of that stuff in me.  Told myself it might just be memory triggering some old samskaras etc or sleep dep and to be honest ...my body is starting to resist the working again ( I have to be careful to find a balance that honors body and mind as much as it honors my desire to serve). But I could not get past that sense of heaviness, confusion, sadness, fear ( mild forms), and a lack of  esteem and safety for myself or others that crept up over me. 

This feeling stuck to me until I finished documenting , objectively, the day's events for the benefit of one and because I could not access the computer even after several, several attempts,  that seemed to take forever...repeated trials and errors or getting pulled away ( of course, it was done on my own time.) Then it released some...I retreated to the couch...I was so physically drained by the experience I could not stay awake in the evening but at one point, instead of going to bed...I found myself staring at the TV screen in a way I don't normally do. Just standing there staring at it for 40 minutes. I caught myself and it was like WTFork?

I woke up in the middle of the night with this intense feeling that I screwed up and that I was going to get in trouble for it! I felt this "You should be ashamed of yourself!" Ashamed of myself for what? Whatever I did wrong yesterday certainly did not deserve that degree of self- shaming and self-punishment. But I was overwhelmed by it. 

It was a very bizarre experience and I fear that I actually soaked up and took on the combined emotional energy and mental confusion of those lovely people that frequent that environment.

Whatever it was, it was  super draining and I couldn't go in today even though there was an assignment that appealed to me and my experience.

Wow! Thought I would share.

All is well.