Committed?

 ...most of your thoughts and emotions [and even, bodily symptoms] are created by the blockages you have stored inside. These blockages are yours, and you can let them go anytime you want. Once again, the problem is that once they were stored with pain, they are going to release with pain.  That is where the depth of commitment comes in. Do you want to be free to live a deep, beautiful life more than you want to avoid discomfort?

Michael Singer, living untethered, (2022, New Harbinger/Sounds True), page 185

Well I may be getting to one of the many roots as to why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling lately.  I did not do so well on my stress test yesterday, got stopped a few minutes in.  I mean I had a very mild form of the usual I get on exertion: SOB, pressure in the center of my chest, fatigue, and light headedness...nothing to really complain about.  The palpitations and the sense that my heart was going to come through my chest was intense...but that does get intense all the time, with stress and exertion. It is such a part of my life now.  Most times I don't pay much heed to it ...but this time, I really  felt it ...was so aware of the exact moment when it went away, like a big weight being lifted from my chest. I was asking myself when I was siting there after they stopped the test, "Are these palpitations or just a normal part of being me?" Then...just like that...they stopped...and I knew, "Yep...palpitations and they are a part of being me!" It was like in that moment, when they stopped, I knew that all along, over all these years, my symptoms were very, very real, whether people called me a liar or dismissed my complaints or not. It was very validating, even before I was told of the results and the concerns. I was told it is likely the valve and I am not getting enough O2 to cardiac tissue. I was told years ago, by more than one specialist, that a valve replacement or repair was in my future, likely in my 60's. Well, I am almost 60. I know that is partially it but there are those darn spasms too that come in clusters as they did in May. And there is this run away train in my chest as well that will occasionally go off the tracks. Regardless, there is a reason why I feel tired and "off" some days. And that is okay.

Anyway, this explains the physical but there is the emotional and psychological and spiritual roots to why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling, to consider as well. Those old samskaras are being triggered by life events and old ways of attempting to distract, suppress and repress are not going to work for me anymore.  Whatever is inside me is determined to come through, with or without my cooperation. :) I am committed to freeing myself from them! The process of doing so is not a whole lot of fun right now lol. 

So that was a lot of sharing of the "personal" again when I am trying so intensely to let go of "me" all together. It is a process.  And I will get there.  Yet, maybe you too are struggling to get above and beyond the "personal". Maybe by hearing about this experience from another, you will realize you are not alone. The personal can be transmuted to the interpersonal. Hmm!

Let's dig up our roots and bring them to the surface, not with a hoe or a shovel, but with a willingness to accept and allow the discomfort required to be free. 

All is well.