Grateful for Surrender and Wisdom

 I am so grateful that surrender has taught me to willingly participate in Life's dance with a quiet mind and an open heart.

Michael Singer

The sun is creeping over the naked branches and frosty earth and into my window.  It is such an amazing light on this last day of November...an aged light full of earned wisdom, represented by a cooled approach to everything...detached maybe...but not without respect or gratitude.  I sense this lovely acceptance and appreciation for what is in the light. Hmm! 

I didn't go in today.  I see the need for replacement and a part of me so wants to go in, not only out of obligation and a sincere desire to serve, but also because I love it. I see what Michael Singer was talking about...how we should  not make work an opportunity to get something for "me", but a learning  tool to help us get  rid of "me".  I am actually getting rid of "me".  When I "do" this, what I have chosen to do, without "me" in the way...it is such a brilliant experience.  I feel the "flow" .  It all comes out naturally because there is no worry about, "Will they like me? Or how will it work for "me"...what will this "me" get from this experience etc." There is just this wonderful flow of giving and seeing and accepting and allowing and being and "doing" what needs to be done in the moment as best as this mind and body can. And it is an amazing experience.  It really is.  So I do like this!  I do want to continue to  "work" and serve and help out when I can in this way...but...

I also have to serve my body and mind, if not this notion of "me".  My ticker really is tired...and it wants me to slow down.   It took me so long to get to the point where I felt I could "do" what I could  and accept what I couldn't.  It took  me so long to get to the point of accepting that I might never be validated for what is going on in my body and to make life changes regardless. It took me so long to find peace  in that and to value my own "knowing". Yoga, meditation, mindfulness and making my own real healing priority took me leaps and bounds...and I am so much better on a holistic level than I was a decade ago. I am so grateful for that. The work I did, however, did not change what was going on physically within this body. Not completely, anyway. 

From day one of symptoms my goal was to stop my heart from failing too soon. I knew that eventually it would tire out. So I pushed for answers...I acted out of fear and desperation up to a point. There was so much dismissal and shaming.  I reacted to the shaming but still I pushed...much more timidly and with great confusion...but I pushed. The pushing for an external answer did not help me in the long run. It led to assumption and judgements that not only took me away from an answer but made my life situation so much more challenging than it should ever be.  I reached a point where I realized I had to let go and I did.  There was so much healing in that letting go. I learned to rise above my symptoms, (accepting, at the same time, that I knew what I knew). Then I reached a point where  both my humanness and my spirituality wanted to be served.  An opportunity came to my awareness that would do both...and when I accepted the challenge... a certain wonderful energy replaced the "me"  and shooed it away. 

So it isn't the me" with  its petty need for secondary gain saying that my heart is tired.  It is the inner wisdom. And, ironically,  just as the inner wisdom shines, external validation for what I always knew to be true is coming into the light as well. Go figure.

So I will honor this amazing body that does so much and rest today. I will give it what it needs.

I hope that you will listen to your body and your own inner wisdom as well...and make the choices that are best for you.

All is well!