Assertiveness

 We must teach our girls that if they speak their mind, they can create the world they want to see.

Robyn  Silverman

I have been away my dear readers...exploring new opportunities...new ways to grow and expand by giving of myself rather than trying to get for myself. And it was wonderful!  It was  like a little door opened up in my heart and a whole new spectrum of colorful light poured in. I got a taste of what it was like to have an open heart, where "me" was not in the way blocking the  sun. I jumped into the opportunity. Though there was a level of preference involved...experiences that I tend to gravitate towards anyway..."me" was taking a back seat.  I was there to "give" and though my giving was far from perfect in its inexperience  it was glorious and uplifting for something inside.   I was completely open. Until yesterday, that is. 

Assertively Proving a Point

I found myself needing to "prove" a point about something that made so much sense to me I could not see around it. An assessment and decision was made about something that would effect "me". I didn't agree with how that decision was made.  I asked for clarification because I wanted to see what I was missing but the responses I got only made me more confused. I desperately wanted to understand what I was missing and/or wanted others to understand why I came to the conclusion I did. My mind began to whirl and churn the way it does.  You see, I have a mind that has to understand how certain things work  and will not let up until it does.  I am not sure if one would call that a strength or  an area to improve upon. That trait makes for a great learner and good educator but a pain in the butt for everyone else. :) The teacher came out of me...and I wanted to educate on some things I was well versed in when it comes to making such decisions that I assumed the others were not as well versed in

I initially  looked at the situation and  it just seemed so obvious to me, "Oh this is how this must work and so this  is what it will mean for 'me' and therefore what it must mean for everyone else ". I had more than an assumption, I had an expectation. I felt so strongly  that I was "right" and therefore that meant that others were "wrong" or "mistaken" or "confused". I set out to prove that.  There was a fire in me.  I set out on a mission to stand up for justice and fairness for myself and all those coming behind me.  Man, I should have been a lawyer lol ( ironically that comparison was used in the decision process related to this event). It consumed me for hours until I had all my arguments, my thoughts, the evidence, the numbers all lined up and packed away neatly into my medium of expression...words. And I sent them off...like little soldiers (peace keeping soldiers) marching off to defend ( not attack). It was never my intention to offend or hurt or blame anyone.  I was assertive, for sure,  but it was an  aggression/malice free approach.  It really was... but to those who feel threatened, it will always come off that way regardless. 

The internal Pull to Be Assertive

In so doing...as a woman...I may have created an opinion of me as a "trouble maker" or "someone to watch"...and I accept the  consequences. Asserting just felt like the right thing to do for myself and for others.  It was an act of self-care even.  Oh the ego was in there chirping away, for sure..."Oh man...you can't let this happen...you deserve more than this...they are wrong and you are right...look at all you have to give...people have to value you more because of it...and you know how this works, you have dealt with it so many times before where as they may not have" and I constantly had to stop and ask myself and D., "Is this ego  or something deeper making me confront this?" I reminded myself, that other people don't have to value me or do a darn thing for "me". I reminded myself that I am not doing this for external gain...I am doing it to let go of "me"...not reinforce it.  I questioned, " Am I reinforcing me-ness by asserting that a certain decision be made about "me"?" Still, I felt this pull to deal with what was unfolding in front of me and was so sure the internal restlessness would not subside until I did.  Words, words, words would be the only thing that would allow me to let this go.  

So the situation unfolded in front of me and I dealt with it.  Once I sent my little word soldiers out there...I was able to let it go to a great extent.  I mean there was some holding onto it, for sure, and probably will be until  I see the effect of my expression, or until a final decision is confirmed but the fire in me turned to a nice cool flame. I was able to step out of the thought stream which was directed towards doing what I could to solve this problem and back into my moment. 

What is the point of this big long ramble, crazy lady? 

Man...I do ramble.

The point is...getting rid of "me" doesn't entail denying human rights and needs. We still often have to assert ourselves for the well being of self and others. I was presented with a challenge from a decision  that "seemed" to impact on my human rights and therefore on the rights of others. I questioned if the process, I understood so well from my years of experience using it, was understood by those making the  decision.  Whether or not it did is yet to be discovered.  If I am given an explanation as to why the decision is the way it is that makes sense to this mind of mine, and I see that it is a fair decision made on the basis of fully understanding the process, I will be like "Great! Thank you for showing me the error in my thinking" as I bow my head again and again and again in Namaste. ( Well I probably won't physically do that lol). But until then I will assert and I will question.

Does confronting assertively  make me less spiritual?

Of course not.  I am just catering to the human part of me that we all have to do from time to time. If the assertion is not based on reactivity, anger, a need to blame and be right for ego's sake...then it is perfectly okay , in fact very healthy, to be assertive. 

It is all good.

It is all so good.