Self Pity

 Self pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

Maya Angelou

I am sitting here with my tea. The tea is lovely but my mind isn't lol.  I have jumped into the van of self pity and am picking up a lot of speed as I go down that road.  The wind of "oh woe is me " actually feels pretty good on my face right now and there is a nice distracting hum to the momentum. It is almost comforting. But I know it isn't taking me where I really want to go. I also know that this comfortable feeling will soon become hard and uncomfortable. Sigh! 

The Pull of Self Pity

There is definitely an inviting pull to this type of mental reaction to life circumstance, isn't there?  Something that lures us in with the promise of lollipops or puppies and before we know it we are being swept away as innocent  victims to some mind made villain. We go off telling people our stories about what lead us here in hope that their sympathetic reaction will allow us to sit back in this van and keep going.  (It is so much easier to be swept away than it is to take responsibility for our minds, our own lives, isn't it?)  And we will defend ferociously how we have no choice but to feel the way we do as we wait for the sound of violins to play through the surround sound around us. 

The thing is I am not an innocent child with an underdeveloped brain trusting that which seems trustworthy but isn't...I am an adult with an untamed mind who knows better.  I chose to jump into this van.  I  knew from so many past experiences where it was taking me. I knew I was being lured and manipulated by an old programmed tendency in my psyche. I knew the comfort it provided was only temporary and that it would soon become very hard and uncomfortable.  I was so "aware" yet I climbed in anyway, in hope that I would find some comfort, some reprieve from this perception of "overwhelming hardship"  I have been experiencing. I wanted to feel good and sorry for myself. I still do.

The Story

Why? Why do I feel the need to feel sorry for myself? There are many reasons. I am alone now, managing on my own (which is actually okay because I am one of those odd ducks that is okay being alone...but I have to add 'my alone status' in there for added dramatic effect lol).  My phone got cut off yesterday because I could not pay the phone bill. The dog just ate one of the last cans  of catfood that I have been trying to conserve so I could feed my cats. (I am more concerned about keeping my pets fed than I am about feeding myself...what is up with that?)  The vehicle I was left with has an outdated inspection sticker on it and a cracked windshield  I cannot afford to replace.  I cannot even afford the fine if I get pulled over. Heck...I cannot afford gas lol.  My eye is sore and my vision in it is getting increasingly blurry. I wake up every morning with this pain in my side and I don't know what it is...that drags me back to my memory of all the many experiences I had in health seeking waiting and waiting to find out what things were...knowing, because I am somewhat bright, that they are all something but seldom having the ease of a quick diagnosis...just the waiting, the waiting, the waiting. (Now that statement there was definitely a dramatic attempt to pull the audience in so they would pity me as much as I am pitying myself right now....my bad...just came out as a reflex.)  I really, honestly, do not know how I am going to financially survive here alone on a 900/mth pension income and with a 1000/mth mortgage...even my poor math skills tell me that there is something really wrong with that equation.  (Now, I was really trying  to keep this van moving with the pity of others by sharing that!). I have been dreaming non stop about my old job, reminded of how much I loved teaching, how much I miss it  (and how I miss the stable income). Then there are my children that need me in so many ways and I am tired and dragging myself around to provide.  I have a daughter who is dependent on me financially because she is too ill to work ...imagine. I tried to get support for her  but the necessary support people outwardly refused to fill out the required forms. I have been left with the care and responsibility of three dogs...one who eats everything she can get her mouth on and one I have to carry up and down the stairs because she is recovering from ACL surgery. That just exhausts me sometimes. 

Oh...I could go on and on about my so called "woes", there are many,  but telling this story over and over again to myself and to others is all part of a mental reaction....a desire and a clinging to that psuedo-comfort self pity provides. Man, I jumped right into that van this morning and I am somewhat reluctant to leave.

Can anything good come from this self pity reaction?

Yes...if and only if we are aware.  Any time we react in a less than wholesome way to Life as it is and we catch ourselves, observe ourselves doing so...it is a positive thing.  It is just like we are catching our mistakes in the classroom lessons we are working on and learning from them.  We can correct them before we bring our work to the teacher for marking. Or we can even learn from them afterwards.  Every slip on our path towards higher realization, is a learning opportunity.  We cannot improve upon something unless we are aware it needs improving. My mind, most our minds, could be improved. This little trip I am taking down the road of self pity is a reminder to me of this unwholesome tendency and when I observe it, I am detaching myself from it.  I am no longer lost in it. Therefore I can do something about it.

We do not need to punish  ourselves for feeling sorry for ourselves. That is counterproductive. I am not going to  "beat myself up" for this lapse into self pity.  I am going to, instead, wrap it (and the "me" that is experiencing it)  gently in mindfulness, loving kindness and compassion. I am not going to resist it, struggle  against it by saying, "it shouldn't be". It is.  I am not going to  push it away or down like I would normally want to do.  I am going to notice it, allow it, sit with it, embrace it and give it permission  to leave on its own when it is ready. Just as I write this I feel it starting to leave.  Hmm!

The other thing self pity can give us is an opportunity to express and release the deeper emotions beneath it. Self-pity is often a surface cover for feelings of grief, loss, sadness, and despair. It is much easier to get caught up in the drama of self-pity than it it is to simply "feel" and experience these emotions under its cover. Self-pity will make me cry and if I keep it up and sit with it,  what is under it starts to simmer and boil up  pushing the cover of self pity right off the pot. The other emotions will come up.  Truth is I do feel great loss. I feel grief over the losses I have experienced over the last few years...heck...over my entire life.  I have been trying with great effort, though automatically,   to suppress and repress these feeling but there is so much ungrieved loss inside me, under this flimsy shield of self pity.  By allowing self pity into my awareness, I allow the other deeper feelings to come to the surface so I can sit with them until they are spent.  In short...I need a really good cry and self -pity can start that pot boiling. 

Anyway,  there are both unwholesome reasons and wholesome reasons why I shared this. In all honesty, the part of me still so identified with "my story" is looking for pity and possibly compassion from others when I really need it from myself.  At the same time I know this is a universal human tendency I share that others could easily recognize in themselves. 

It comes down to the basic premise of all  teachings here. The more we understand our minds both on the individual and the collective level...the better off humanity and the world will be.  Let's look at our own tendency towards self pity and learn and grow from it.

All is well. 

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