In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty...in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.
Deepak Chopra
The pain in my side is getting worse. Though I push my body despite it, it is limiting what I do. After two days of heavy cleaning and two more days of canning...this body is pretty tired and sore. I actually felt the pain moving up and settling into the left side of my chest yesterday...stopping me in my tracks.
Just Observing
Please know this is not a complaint...just an observation. I...whoever "I" is... am just observing my body and observing my mind responding to my body...and it is so, so cool to be able to do that. It is with a very calm, cool detachment that I observe. I allow without building too much story around it. It simply is what it is. For the most part, I am observing, somewhat curiously without attachment.
Observing the Slips and the Coming Back
I mean...I am not an evolved being yet, lol. I do regress. When I do "slip" and fall back into the story, past memories of my experience, and future "fears", I simply observe myself doing that. I stop thrashing around, float to shore, pull myself back up and observe myself observing. That is pretty cool too. Realizing that I slipped again and that I brought myself back is an amazing thing.
Knowing Internally
As I have in the past, I "know" something is happening inside this form regardless if others know it or not. And I realize, for a variety of external reasons, they may never "know" it until it is too late.
A Challenge From the Universal Conductor?
An "important" challenge I have been experiencing most my life is this inability to get validation for what is happening in this form, validation for "my awareness" of what is happening in this form. It seems other "assumption" and "judgment "and "ego-preservation" as well as just bizarre circumstantial interference kept getting in the way.. Maybe, I am finally realizing, this is "my appointed challenge", then...that which is needed to get me to go deeper. Maybe I am not supposed to have the validation yet and I am meant to endure the shaming of other opinion and assumption. I don't know why but I accept the challenge...for the first time in my life I am not resisting this challenge. I accept it.
Maybe They Are Right and You are Just Cra-Cra?
Reading this you might find yourself questioning, "Well maybe the reason why you do not get validation is because there is nothing actually wrong with your body. The professional experts would know more than you do. Maybe they are right in their assumptions about you...maybe you are just a crazy, lying, attention seeking hypochondriac?"
Yes, I could see why you would think that. Until this mind of mine is quiet, I am more than a little cra-cra. They could be right. In fact, I questioned that possibility many times in myself when tests did not show right away what I was experiencing, when the experts shared their opinions that were so different from my own. I believed the professionals much more than I ever believed my self.
So why did you keep seeking validation??
I continued to "present" with my signs and symptoms because my body was telling me to...not my mind...my body. It whispered to me, and when I didn't listen, it talked loudly to me. When I didn't listen to that, it shouted and then it yelled until it was screaming at me...and if I didn't listen to that it spoke to me in very clear dreams. "I am hurting...I am breaking down...something is not in balance...get help."
The Body Speaks
Believe me, after all the "shaming" I experienced over the years in my health-seeking, the very last thing I wanted was to go back for more. But the truth was...my body was crying to be heard and healed. My mind definitely had to be healed and that was, I knew, going to play a huge part in the body healing. I was all about healing the mind. I had no problem putting my energy there but the body itself still seemed to need some outside assistance. Getting assistance meant people had to "believe me". More importantly, I had to believe me. That was difficult at first. I couldn't always hear the internal wisdom through all the external opinion. After a while, I really wasn't listening for it. Freedom from fear and shame became my mandate...not wellness.
Being Able To See
Being somewhat bright, I could intellectualize what was happening in this body. I could see it. I could, in a sense, diagnose myself or at least come up with some very valid possibilities to explain the things that were happening. Few would listen, let alone confirm the validity of my rationalizations. Then the Universe started playing its part offering me a special type of validation: family members were becoming ill and even succumbing to the things I was seeing in myself. They were getting diagnosed with what I was diagnosing myself with. I was told it was all just coincidence. Still small things that proved I knew what I was talking about would get diagnosed in me to prove, at least, that I wasn't "lying" as I was accused of on many occasions. Still, it wasn't enough.
Accepting The Challenge
So I guess, that is when I began to accept the fact that others would not see or understand what I was understanding. I began to do what I had the power to do to heal my body. I left my beloved job, retired early even though it meant I would barely be making enough to survive on...I fell deeply into all the limbs of yoga, developing Hatha sequences that would help the "ailments" I was dealing with and went even deeper "inward". I wrote. And I did heal, noting a remarkable reduction in cardiac symptoms.
But as the challenge was probably needed for greater reasons, other things started to show up in my body. They seemed to need a diagnosis to replace the cardiac issues....like solid masses palpated by physicians, post menopausal bleeding, pain in specific areas And again...these things did not get validated though I knew in my heart what they were. Years of testing and specialist reports got added to my chart. When I would share, "Could it be this? Could it be that?", I was consistently shut down. Months and years would pass before the evidence to support my own self-diagnosis were realized by others. The evidence was always there but it took years for them to see that what I had suggested was "right".
Have I slipped Again Into Story?
It may seem that I slipped back into story again in my relaying of the details of my experience but I can assure you there was little to no attachment to this story. I was simply relaying it as the witness and not the main character in it. I was not lost in the drama of the past. Simply aware that that is how it went down externally and that all that is truly important is how I handle it internally, from here, in this moment, now.
So, there has been pain in my left upper quadrant since May and it is getting progressively worse. I know there is something going on in there. I had tests done...an ultrasound in August, and a CT scan yesterday to see what might be happening internally. I have not heard back about the ultrasound and am more than peaceful waiting until the CT results are back. It simply is what it is and I will find out when I find out. I am just calmly curious as I observe.
What will I find out?
I will find out if my pain will be validated, and thereby possibly indirectly leading to a validation of all previous "complaints" or if it won't be, leading to a strengthening of the assumption made about me.
Either way, I am okay. I have no preferences.
The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. Third Zen Patriarch
I don't know what my future holds. I leave that to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the Universe. In this moment, I simply observe this uncertainty with cool detachment.
All is well!
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