This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds.
To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.
a lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky,
Rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain.
The Buddha
So I feel, as I have mentioned in the last few entries, this deep desire to serve with the time I have left. Before I go any farther with this I need to address this "time I have left" thing. This feeling that my time is running out keeps creeping up again and again. It will subside and then it will return. It has been very prevalent the last few days with the onset of a different type of pain which I believe to be from an enlarged spleen. (Yep! That is what my gut is telling me! Crazy, I know. ) I began noticing a full feeling under my left ribs about 4 weeks ago and thought I pulled something in yoga ( which would be unusual being that I practiced yoga for 25 years without any issues in that area) I know it isn't muscular because it is not when I move into postures that stretch that side that I feel the pain which would be indicative of a muscle strain ...in fact, that type of movement allows for a little relief. It is when I move into asanas that compress that side that I really feel it. And when I take a deep breath. I know my spleen is enlarged.
Why the heck would the spleen be enlarged, crazy lady? I have an idea that is not all that comfortable to go to but at night that idea comes full force into my psyche ...not to scare me...but to remind me of the impermanence of the body...to give me a gentle shove that says, "Go! Serve, make a difference while you can. " It is so very strong...this gut feeling. Regardless, if the enlarged spleen ( oh I know it is enlarged) is from an infection in my body or some other more ominous thing...that message is so, so important for all of us to hear. "Go! Serve, make a difference in the world while you still can!" And that is why I am sharing this.
Our bodies have expiration dates people. Every single body does. Sure advanced yogis can increase their life spans...but their bodies too will someday perish. That is the nature of all things. None, of us on this planet know exactly when our last breath will come and how it will come but it will come. We here in the west live in a culture that "shuns" even the idea of death. We turn our backs on it. We push it away. We try to ignore it until we cannot ignore it anymore. Even when it is one of the most basic truths of our existence, we still do what we can to "pretend" it won't happen to us or our loved ones. Our fear keeps us from even contemplating it, let alone trying to grasp an understanding and acceptance of it.
Take care of your body. It is the only one you got.
Jim Rohn
So when I get this pain, or pelvic pain or anginal pain I am reminded that my body is not going to carry me around forever. I am not saying I like that reminder lol but it doesn't trigger fear in me like it used to. I believe we are biologically wired to be reminded of the possibility of death with every pain we get. For most of us, pain causes a severe fear reaction for that reason. Up until lately, I thought that the "fear-reaction" we get with pain was due to the body's inherent desire to stay alive...warning us that something was "wrong" and we have to "do" something to fix it. But now I am wondering if we have evolved enough as a species to see that pain is more of a reminder of the impermanence of our vehicles and a gentle or not-so-gentle encouragement for us to do what we are here to do. I don't feel fear with pain anymore. I don't resist the reminder of my body's potential death anymore. I don't particularly like it but I am, for the most part, able to relax into it. When I do, I hear this internal: "Go! Serve, make a difference in the world while you still can." I am reminded that "my life" is not "my" Life...it is just Life and I am the consciousness beneath that Life. I am to use my consciousness, as well as my physical form, to serve Life. Life is not here to serve me. And I serve Life by serving other beings be they human or not, by serving the planet, and by serving the world. That realization comes so quickly to me now with every experience of pain. I spent the night in that realization.
That doesn't mean we ignore the pain or not look into its physical cause and relief. We still need to care for our bodies. I had a very strong dream in February 2021 that reminded me of the importance of looking after our bodies. Some voice in this dream told me I would soon be experiencing another bout of bad pelvic pain with other accompanying signs and symptoms. I was told, so clearly, not to worry, if diagnosed and treated soon, all would be well. A body part would be removed and I would be fine. I could see the body part in my dream. Two days later the pain started, followed by the other things and out of a blue I get a call from my physician about an appointment I never even knew I had. Everything was lined up so synchronistically to deal with this issue. It was amazing. Even though the events that followed did not adhere to the "diagnose and treat soon" of the message, leading to a 16 month "wait and see" approach, I had full trust in my dream message.
Anyway...it is what it is. I am reminded to recognize the impermanent nature of my body so that I do what I am here to while I can And I will serve in the way I know best.
All is well
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