Luckier

 When you think  things are bad,

When you feel sour and blue,

When you start to get mad...

You should do what I do...

Just tell yourself,  Duckie,

You are really quite lucky!

Some people are much more... 

ever so much more...

oh, muchly, much-much more...

unlucky than you! 

Dr. Suess?

Warning: Self Disclosure

Lucky

Attended a lovely wedding this weekend where the minds of people were open and happy.  I did not leave the house that morning to travel there...open and happy.  I was worried about the lack of money again, the well-being of my loved ones again...feeling a boulder-sized knot rolling around in my belly.  I slipped away from my committed mission to be mindful, to make peace of mind my priority,  and was very reactive...rushed, and hurried to get somewhere "up there " in the distance at a future time... I wasn't thinking clearly but by the time we got on the road...and there was this realization there was nothing left that I could do to get me "there" faster, to make things go smoother, or to change what was...I just breathed and settled into my seat realizing what I was doing.  I observed my past reactivity, with some degree of compassion, and just sat with the boulder in my gut allowing it to be whatever it was.  Slowly it diminished and I ended up having a lovely time.  

Pretending to Be Luckier

I also, somewhat detached and attached at the same time,  watched another tendency come and go over the weekend.  I will often slip out of the reality of my present economic situation and deny that I/we are as strapped as we are.  We sometimes spend way too much money, money we do not have at this moment, to 'keep up' with those that do.  That is not fair...it had nothing to do with others...we probably spent more recklessly than they did... and not so much on ourselves but to provide for the kids so they could have fun and a reprieve from the stressors of their lives, be with family without having to "worry" about the "cost" of the weekend.  We could have stayed and eaten somewhere more conducive to our economic situation but, no, I insisted we be with the others who could afford it.  Told myself, it would be the last splurge...last "family hurrah". It would be the last time I would be willing to live above my means. I better clarify that I am far from a big spender but I spend beyond my means....and not on me. It is not like I spend a lot other than on family.  I spend little on myself. Like to me...though I insist on staying in a clean environment ( one that is a heck of a lot cleaner than my own home lol) ...it doesn't matter where I stay or what I eat.  I am not trapped by the need for luxury.     I don't buy for myself.  In fact, I wore a 20-dollar dress from Walmart that my daughter actually gave me because she didn't like the way it looked on her... Believe me...it didn't look any better on me......but I was okay with all that. I just wanted to have fun and be with the people I love.  And that did happen. It was lovely.  But now... we have to pay for it and it is like "How?"

Not So Lucky 

Anyway, I am not stupid.  I know I am losing the last of what I was clinging to in hope that it would keep me up there "with the others." ...keep me "independent" because I will not be financially dependent on D. or any other.  So though it is the only material thing of value I have left, I cannot keep this house and it is silly that I went this long pretending otherwise.  For what?  Some social stigma? Some societal expectations of what an "independent" and "self-sufficient"  woman with 9 years of post-secondary education should be? Come on...just an idea.  I was struggling with worry and stress since the time I first got sick and couldn't work my regular hours..clinging with white knuckles to an idea of what I " should have" at this time of my life, what I should be able to give my kids. Crazy? Truth is, regardless of how or why, I do not have a lot of money right now, and trying to keep this house is keeping me in the pit of growing debt. 

Luckier Than

Well, I was reflecting on this as I went in and out of mindfulness while we were away...I guess I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, a couple of times, as I compared myself to the others who didn't seem to have to worry about such things in their lives.   Each time I caught myself in self-pity mode,  the Universe reminded me of my good fortune by showing me other situations to compare mine to.  I saw three homeless people, and got so close I could smell their suffering.  Two, a couple, were pushing all their belongings in shopping carts.  One stopped to check the bottom of his shoe where the sole was wearing away and his foot was coming through.  And there I was in a clean 20-dollar Walmart dress and good sandals from Winner's that I bought years ago. I wanted to give them something but I only had a couple of quarters in my purse and there was so much shame and damaged pride on their faces as they walked by with their heads down...I probably would have offended them.  The next day as we and hundreds of blessed individuals walked down the streets of that city I noticed a man in his forties, maybe, curled up in a door sill ...a small suitcase by his side...and he did not look up when we walked by. Again the damaged pride, the suffering was so evident on his face my heart just dropped to my knees.  I reached for my wallet but remembered I didn't have any money in it.  I also realized, though,  that what we had spent on our accommodations for one night could have probably fed him for over a month. And there I was calling myself poor.  These people obviously did not want to be in these situations. They did not ask for this. Their suffering, I could feel,  was so, so much greater than any I could even imagine. All I had to give though was a whispered prayer as they or I walked by, "May you be well.  May you be at peace.  May your suffering end."  What they gave me was so, so much more.  Man...eye-opener. 

Lucky and Wanting Others to Be Lucky Too

So here I am...ready to face the financial situation of my Life right on.  I am okay being this type of poor.  If I need anything...it is simply to get my butt off the self-pity pot and say to this suffering world, "How can I serve? What have I got that you need?" And it is not important if I get paid a cent for any service I provide that helps end suffering. 

Hmmm! Well, that is where I am at.  I am off the pity pot and asking, asking, asking ..."How can I serve?" I really hope I get an answer soon...if I didn't already.

Thought I would share. 

All is well!