My Job?

 Give me a job Universe and I will do the best I can. 

I told myself I would just show up here on alternate days but....It is so very challenging to alternate between studying and writing.  I have this insatiable appetite for all this wonderful learning that shows up in front of me...texts, scriptures, ancient wisdom   translated into forms I can read and understand , as well as all these teachings from teachers of today like Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh and others from Plum Village, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra etc.  I am grasping and clinging, I know, but I am so drawn to this path to understanding...and it just keeps unfolding in front of me. As crazy as it sounds, it is like all this teaching  is coming to me. So I listen, I read and I take notes like I am back in university.  I have pages and pages and pages of notes I am trying to absorb and  assimilate.  I do that by sharing here or in my other writing. I just cannot get enough! And I love this learning.

Yet, I have been struggling to find meaning and purpose in my life lately.  I have been telling myself..."you have to "do" something other than "this". This, what you are doing here, is not meaningful work! Meaningful work serves humanity and who are you serving here?  One or two souls who are probably more curious about the crazy lady that writes this stuff than the message? You have spent years doing this studying and sharing here and for what? Where is it going? " 

Man,  it is my ego-mind that needs to know where it is all going. This part of me that still stubbornly lingers, even after all this wonderful understanding about the true nature of  reality I have absorbed, is constantly asking:  "Am I wasting my life here?  Am I doing something "wrong"? Is it enough?"

 Whatever part of me that is drawn to this is obviously much more powerful than my ego-mind because I keep coming back here  with, "This is what I learned today from what I read or listened to, what I experienced and observed in my own little version of Life. I think you need to hear this." Despite what my mind, that feels it has to "do" more, be more productive, serve in a different way, keeps telling me, despite the fact that I only have a few consistent and loyal readers ( and I do appreciate you!) , despite the fact that what I do here does not put food on "my" table or help with "my" mortgage...here I am again and again and again.

Is it enough? 

I recall these wise words from Michael Singer  ( well...I don't recall...I see them scribbled in my notes lol) Just do what is right in front of you as best as you can and that is enough."  I have been going over and over again in my head about how I should find work "out there" again, how I should give up on the writing thing so I can actually make money to live on...and how I have to turn my life around so it is more productive.  Yet, here I am.  All this wonderful learning comes to me and I just need to absorb it and share it. This learning...from the words of ancient and present day teachers, as well as the learning that comes from the best teacher: Life.... is in front of me.  I keep thinking that maybe  all these crazy and bizarre challenges show up in front of me for a reason. I am Life's student and I am supposed to learn from these challenges and share my learning.  That's my job!  Crazy I know.  But it was challenge that pulled me (or guided me) out of the work force, out of that type of "doing" and brought me here.  I am supposed to be here because, as Michael Singer would say,  I am here. 

If you let go of yourself, Life is easy. Michael Singer

I need to let go of this idea of "me" and "my" life and just deal with what is right in front of me.  

Hmm! 

All is well in my world! 

Michael Singer/ Mayim Bailik's Breakdown ( June 14, 2022) Michael Singer: Let Go Of Yourself And Surrender to Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOTwnTtSzvs