Holding on is suffocation; letting go is freedom.
Deepak Chopra.
Struggling to Stay Centered
I have been having a challenging time staying in my peaceful center. My mind keeps pulling me along that current of past memory and future expectation. I so, just want to be in my moment but the pull away is so strong. I am struggling to get out of my head and back into my body, my breath, and my moment. I think I am doing okay until I see that a 30-dollar life insurance payment didn't go through because of insufficient funds. I don't even have 30 dollars in my account! And my mind says, "Why are you, who worked hard to save, invest, put away for the so-called "future", in this situation where you do not even have thirty dollars in your account? Oh yeah, I know why."
I feel that knot in my gut beginning to unravel and that hand pushing the emotions back down to the bottom of that knot. I tell myself I need to meditate. When I close my eyes to focus on breath, however, every breath in leads to awareness of that feeling in my side. That sensation brings me to the "there is something there" thought and that thought brings me to the thought, "Oh you better find out what it is," and that brings me to, "What? Don't you remember how health-seeking is for you? Come on...you are never going to find out what that is? And if you try to, you are only going to make things worse for yourself and others." ...And that brings me to memory after memory, stuffed painful emotion after stuffed painful emotion of what what was done, what wasn't done, what I experienced since I started to seek help for symptoms that were so real.
...And then the mind says: "Well what are we going to do with all this pain? Let's put it in a story where you are the star, a tragic heroine, powerless and waiting for a rescue that will likely never come."
The Story
The mind turns the story into a mental movie and I go over and over the moving narrative again and again and again. And then before I know it I am caught up in the story...forgetting that I am actually just observing it...not actually in it. I become the tragic heroine. I get caught up in the "my" of this mental story and it becomes my identity.
Victim and Villains
I identify as a "victim". Every victim needs a villain. In my story, there are many my mind wants to label as "villains". No doubt there have been plenty of individuals who acted unconsciously in an attempt to preserve their own egos over the years...some more unconscious than others...and their actions have drastically impacted my life. What they have said or done, or not done was unskillful and unwholesome in dealing with other human beings....in dealing with themselves. But in truth, there are no villains...just other lost human beings in various stages of consciousness who I just happened to come in contact with during my health-seeking experience. They definitely did not set out to be cast in the role of "villain" in "my" story. In fact, they probably truly see themselves as the protagonist in their version of the story and me as the antagonist. ...or at least an "annoying obstacle"(if they see me at all) in their hero's journey.
Grasping, Clinging, Holding On to Trauma
Anyway, this is what dealing with trauma is like for many of us. Despite how awful it feels, for some reason, we tend to cling to it and the identity it gives us. We identify as powerless victims of our traumas and to the villains we perceive in our traumas. We get lost in this story ...living it as the star character when the story is no longer happening, when the real events are in the past. Sure it may be an ongoing thing like it seems to be for my form...but at this moment, I am not actively seeking help, I am not dealing with any unconscious people right here or now... except in my head. What is causing my sense of suffering right now is not what happened in the past but my clinging to it through this story I keep living through.
I am not a character in some story. I am not, therefore, a tragic heroine, or a victim...and there are no villains tying me to railroad tracks right now. What is bothering me at this moment...right here, right now...is just a story in my head and my insistence on playing the lead role in it for the sense of identity it gives me.
Do you get that? I am finally getting it.
Thanks to a video I just happened upon today from Eckhart Tolle. (Man is uncanny how these videos pop up right when I am writing or thinking about these issues.). I felt like he was gently wagging his finger at me saying, "Now, now...look at what your mind is doing. Stop playing the victim!"
In this video he asks the question, "How do you deal with what was done to you?" and of course, many of us deal with it the way I described above. He then reminds us that the ego is always trying to add to our identity/its identity with something that allows for superiority...in this case: moral superiority. My story as a victim sets me above my story's villains. I am somehow morally and ethically superior. They, therefore, are morally and ethically inferior. Ego likes that. It likes this story and what it does for self-identity. It is almost redemptive. My memory of what was done to me gets incorporated into my sense of self. It becomes who I think I am. But...it is just an illusion. All ego identity is delusional.
Why would anyone want this version of self as a victim? Victims have no power...they are tied to railroad tracks, for goodness sakes. They are helpless; they are stuck. Why do we want to condemn ourselves to powerlessness when we can be free?
Choosing Freedom Over Suffocation
We need to stop holding onto these stories, these delusional identities of victim if we want to transcend trauma. Please know...that doesn't mean, by any means, that we dismiss or deny what happened, that we don't work through the memory and the pain, or that we don't make others accountable should they need to be accountable. It doesn't mean we do not speak our truths for the benefit of others coming behind us...but we do not need to grasp the experience in our hands so we can say, "This is what I am!"
The truth is we cannot grasp any experience. It is impossible. Experiences come... experiences go. If we try to hold onto them like holding on to an in-breath...we will suffocate. Let it go...just let it go...let it simply be the memory it is ...and we will all find our way to freedom. (Deepak Chopra)
All is well!
If you are dealing with trauma memory right now, I am going to encourage you to view the videos below.
The Chopra Well (May 30, 2022 ) New Guided Meditation- Finding Inner Peace.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW8tM9jpwBY
Eckhart Tolle (July 7, 2022) How to Deal with Victim Mentality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtt6rhrNEs
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