It is sad that we never get trained to leave assumptions behind.
Sebastian Thrun
Lovely day. Sitting here still holding my gut. Though I feel so better in so many ways about my visit to ER yesterday, the pain...sigh...has not gone away. I probs shouldn't even call it pain...discomfort maybe, an uncomfortable fullness that gets worse when I eat. Sure, there is sharp pain every now and again when I move a certain way but for the most part it is just a dull ache. Something I can definitely handle. I would not have made a fuss about it at all if it wasn't for the fact I thought it might be from an enlarged spleen. I just didn't want to walk around with that if it were the case. I thought I needed to know so I could take precautions. Anyway, part of me wishes I did not go in yesterday. I hate adding any more to my already swollen chart that leads to so, so much "assumption" about me that is quite challenging for the reactive part of me that is still present to deal with. I have dealt with so many judgments, "wrong perceptions" and negative assumptions over the years when it comes to health-seeking...I have been deeply traumatized. It impacted almost every aspect of my life. From shame to pain...from psychological loss to physical. Here I am about to lose my house...why? Because of that assumption. As soon as that feeling of "injustice" and "loss" and "powerlessness" comes up I notice the desire to push it all back down away from my conscious awareness with an "Oh well!" or an "Anyway..."It is just too much.
In my attempt to make peace with my version of life, I have been stuffing, repressing, suppressing, minimizing, intellectualizing and using every other defense mechanism I can think of just to prevent this thing from taking me down. But I also know that isn't a wise or skillful approach to challenge. I know that the only way out of this sense of trauma is by going through it. I have to walk through, all those memories, stored experiences, and stuffed emotions, namely the shame and the fear, so I can get to the other side.
It is definitely challenging to deal with these painful emotions. Every time I encounter what I perceive as this assumption from others (and it could be 'wrong view' on my part) ...the sense of shaming is like kryptonite to me, triggering and reactivating a lot of pain. It knocks me to my knees for a while. So though yesterday offered some wonderful steps to recovery, it still has left me a little shaken. I am having a bit of difficulty getting away from "trauma thoughts" today to clear-headed presence. I am reminded of all the challenges I now have to deal with, the circumstances that have arisen because of these negative assumptions...
There was a paragraph here full of: ....story...story...story...expressed anger...suffering victim identity...subtle pointing out the "perceived" villains to strengthen my victim identity and "my" story...feeding a subtle desire for anger and revenge...hurt...pain...shame...story, story, story....
Ugh!!! Okay...these are useless ruminations taking me farther and farther away from presence Deep breath! . There is no going back...just forward.
My practice has led me to see that I have not and will not lose anything of value: my reputation as an honest person, my livelihood, my career, my investments and money, my house, and my body are really not great losses. I am not what I do. I am not what I own. I am not other people's opinion of me. I am not this body. I am so, so much more.
I will overcome all this. I will. I have so much to gain from this experience of suffering...a deeper understanding, transcendence, and a connection to what is really important. I will get there, one step at a time.
Forgive me for my rampage...it seemed to want to come out here. Not sure if it is of value to anyone, including me. I will consider that and take it down later if I see no value.
All is well.
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