Learning How to Suffer.

 

I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.

Anne Frank  https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/suffering-quotes 

Do you know how to suffer? 

I still don't know how to suffer. I guess, I still don't completely understand the suffering I experience through this little clump of flesh, this mind, this "persona" I call "me". 

I have been feeling so depleted once again.  My own body feels heavy and slow and tired. My thinking is slow.  I am closing up and stepping back again in some Self protective stance. 

Why? 

Depressed? 

I automatically go to and at the same time resist the word "depressed". I am sure this is what feeling "depressed" feels like but I cannot own that word  because this little seemingly seperate entity I appear to be is convinced it has evolved beyond that crisis of seperation. I don't mean that as a statement  of any  mental superiority ...only that I truly see now that I am not my circumstances; I am not what is happening around me or through me; I am not this body.  That realization is a part of my reality now so I don't feel I can be personally depressed in the way society views it.  

At the same time when one thinks of the word depressed from a scientific stand point  rather than a social or mental helath one: a reduction in activity, quality, amount or force;( https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/depression)...I can say this :   "Yeah,"little self" or ego feels depressed. It is being squished, weighed down, diminished.  My external self is less active, offering less quality to the world, and it does not feel very powerful or forceful right now." Hmm! 

That's a good thing right? As we evolve we want to see less and less of our egos and more and more of who we really are.

Then what is the issue? 

Exposed

The shells we wear around who we really are, the inner Self, the  higher Self...also serve a protective purpose.  They offer a "space suit"like protection for us to manuever our way though this human experience in.  Sure, over identifying with the external covering, seeing it as all there is to us poses a great obstacle in our understanding of Truth...but the control system for our  active sensory antennae and our egos  are there for a reason. When they begin to wear away we may become momentarily unprotected. 

I have very strong sensory atennae...the roots of which extend deep within this version of humanity I call "me". I have always, ever since I can remember , been like a sponge soaking up other people's emotions.  Without ever understanding it, I could become completely physically and emotionally depleted after only a few moments of talking to certain individuals. If I am in a  room where there is anger or stress...I feel angry or stressed. I feel people's grief and sometimes even physical pain.   The same person who is happy one day can "make" my day and the next day I can absorb all their anger or despair. 

And I usually do not know how much I have been affected by encounters  until after I am away from that person. Though there are a few people out there that I can name who I actually and consistently feel more energetic and happy around or people who do not affect me either way ...most of the time dealing with others is an up and down ride for me. My emotional regulation is somehow affected by theirs.  Even just talking to someone on the phone I seem to pick up and soak up emotional energy. It is so bizarre. 

It is just lately that I am looking back and realizing all this.  I was called "overly sensitive"..."too emotional"..."neurotic"...for as long as I can remember.  I never liked  being in crowds or mingling.  I much prefer to be with animals.  It seems "safer". And the sad thing is that my daughters seem to have this "sensitive nature" too and it seems to be much harder on them than it is on me. It breaks my heart.

So now that I am "evolving" ( and I use that word loosely) and the thin shell of protection I had is getting even thinner  and more depressed....I seem to have less protection from the feelings of others.  I am soaking up all the emotions, the experience of suffering others around me are having and sometimes it feels like I am drowning in ego suffering...ego suffering that is not all my own.  (And again...there really is no "own" or seperate suffering but you know what I mean) . 

Whose Feeling is This? 

I have really come so far in so many ways. I still, however,  have an ego that is reactive and inflamed and I know that some of this "stuff" I am experiencing is coming from "my" mind.  I truely know that it is not  circumstances that cause suffering  but "my"  mind. It  still likes to own it all and add story, drama, judgement , bias, preference and detail, right? When I "feel" something intensely it wants to know why.  It pulls me back into its chaos and asks, "Okay what thought stream of yours brought this on? What reaction to circumstance did you choose that caused this emotional crisis?" 

And so often lately it is like, "I don't know.  I have no idea why I am feeling this way.  I was feeling so good a second ago until this person walked past me or until I talked to that person. There is like a heavy, dark weight over me in this environment and I can't explain it.  My stomache gets all knotted up when I go near that person.  I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck go up when that person walks by. I know this person truly cares and wants to hear my "story" and I know that other person doesn't."

 And it doesn't matter what these people are saying or how they are acting.  They may be loved by all and seem to be nothing but kind and loving towards me.  I can still get that feeling leaving  me confused and guilty. So I will spend a great deal of time and energy creating story and deatil to rationalize the emotional experience.  It is exhausting!

Sigh!

Thank God, I still have a lot of "Oh I just love being near that person.  I always feel more energetic and alive. This person seems to make me feel better just by being near me.Yeah, there is absolutely no harm meant from this person. This person is safe!" 

Anyway... if I look at myself  as a seperate entitiy here and now I guess I can say that I feel "depressed.  I feel depressed in a good way...my sense of "me-ness" is depressed.  Yeah!! That is what I was going for. 

 But unfortunately for "little me" or fortunately for "Greater Self" that also means that emotionally and physically I am feeling depressed because of the emotional energy I am picking up from the world around me.  There is so much suffering and I do not know how to diminish it nor do I know how to protect this little clump of flesh I am in from it so that I can stay healthy enough to serve, to help make a difference.

Hmmm!  That is my dilemna.   

All is well in my world.