Reunion Vulnerability

 

Reunion at the Diner

A tight smile, 

and a posture set on 'fight or flight', 

create a flimsy shield 

within  which I hide

the rawness, 

the bits of residue sadness, 

and the deep unrelenting 

sense of unworthiness 

that has been steeping inside this body

for longer than  they have known me.

But like the cover of the little metal tea pot 

the masked waitress has just placed in front of me

it doesn't shut completely,

letting my brokenness 

slip out in wisps of  steam,

leaving my insides  cold.

My eyes, 

which  pay too much attention to  

the wrinkled fingers around my cup, 

and  the hestiation in my voice 

betray me like they always do. 

Wanting to run, wanting to stay 

I listen... because it is easier.

I  look up every now and again 

to their beautiful animated  faces, 

as they speak with such confident knowing 

that what they say is important.

I don't know what is important anymore.

My life...I fear... will bore them 

or make them uncomfortable...

so I make a mental pledge 

to share only the joys.

Like pictures of plump smiling baby faces 

captured on a cell phone screen

 I will  pass them around

when asked...

if asked...

Of course they ask...

But before I can tap on the photo button

the 10,000 sorrows,

that were stuffed  inside for other occassions,

push their way past the neatly lined up joys 

and come pouring unceromoniously out of my mouth 

in garbled broken speech,

slapping awkward and inappropriate punctuation 

in the middle of our sentences, 

interupting the smoothness of each transition of 

fork from plate to mouth.

I wish I could herd those disbehaving details  up

and pull them back in.

 I wish I could swallow what just came out 

of my imperfect form

as I gulp on the now cold tea 

but I can't.

I sigh in relief when the conversation 

quickly gets rerouted

to the stories their confident voices tell. 

I nod my head. I smile,  

and I find comfort in the listening. 

As I watch my fingers

now trembling ever so slightly

I settle into being there. 

 

I enjoy their stories.

In the pauses, 

I look out the window

at passer bys and

I think about this being human thing...

how awkward and  complicated it can be sometimes. 

Dale-Lyn  February 2021

Lovely reunion with old friends but I felt vulnerable for some reason...a little bruised up from the last few months of circumstances and I didn't quite know how to "be" there at first.  Kind of lost my center...and felt very, very human.  I am not sure if they picked that up but it is all good.  It was so good to see them.

All is well!