Reunion Vulnerability

 

Reunion at the Diner

A tight smile and a hyervigalent  posture 

offer a flimsy shield within  which I hide

the rawness, the bits of residue sadness, 

and the deep unrelenting sense of unworthiness 

that has been steeping inside this body

for longer than  they have known me.

But like the cover of the little metal tea pot 

the masked waitress has just placed in front of me

it doesn't shut completely,

letting my brokenness slip out like wisps of  steam,

leaving my insides  cold.

My eyes, which  pay too much attention to  

the wrinkled fingers around my cup, 

and  the hestiation in my voice 

betray me like they always do. 

Wanting to run, wanting to stay 

I listen because it is easier

and look up every now and again 

to their beautiful animated  faces 

as they speak with a confident knowing 

that what they say  is important.

I don't know what is important anymore.

My life..I fear will bore them 

or make them uncomfortable...

so I make a mental pledge to share only the joys.

Like pictures of plump smiling baby faces 

captured on a cell phone screen

 I will  pass them around

when asked...

if asked...

Of course they ask...

but before I can tap on the picture button

the 10,000 sorrows,

stuffed  inside for other occassions,

push their way past the neatly lined up joys 

and come pouring unceromoniously out of my mouth 

in garbled broken speech,

that leaves awkward and inappropriate punctuation 

in the middle of our sentences, 

interupting the smoothness of each transition of 

fork from plate to mouth.

I wish I could herd those disbehaving details  up

and pull them back in.

 I wish I could swallow what just came out 

of my imperfect form

as I gulp on the cold tea 

but I can't.

I sigh in relief when the conversation 

quickly gets rerouted

to the stories their confident voices tell. 

I nod my head 

and I find comfort in the listening. 

As I watch my fingers

now trembling ever so slightly

I settle into being there. 

 

In the pauses, 

I look out the window

at passer bys and

I think about this being human thing...

how awkward and  complicated it can be sometimes. 

Dale-Lyn  February 2021

Lovely reunion with old friends but I felt vulnerable for some reason...a little bruised up from the last few months of circumstances and I didn't quite know how to "be" there at first.  Kind of lost my center...and felt very, very human.  I am not sure if they picked that up but it is all good.  It was so good to see them.

All is well!