Four Days of Dying

Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
Buddha (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/fear-quotes)

OMG! I have to laugh at myself. I laugh and laugh and laugh until I cry! I have not lived the past four days wisely. :)

The Movie: Four Days of Dying

Though I was far from panicking or being remotely dramatic on the outside, since Wednesday evening, I was actually starring in and directing  a whole Block Buster  in my head lol.  One where the brave and tragic heroine would face yet another major obstacle, her greatest yet, where her new found faith would be tested and where she would, like a true and selfless martyr, put aside all remains of "little me" to focus on making the world better for all, in the remaining time she has left.  I would have gotten an Oscar for my mental performance, let me tell ya.  I was superb!!

I was so very sure my life was going to change today big time! I thought the radiologist was going to look down at me and say, "That's it lady...you are a goner.  Go home and get your affairs in order."  To which I was going to respond in a perfectly  rehearsed Scarlet O'Hara way,  "I already have!"

Oh the  mind, the mind, the mind.  It is such a funny entity to watch.

Missing Moments

In the last four days I have projected my whole life onto the moment that happened at about 1045 today. It was like my mind cut everything out beyond that moment other than how I was going to tell my loved ones, how I was going to proceed with this life altering change.  Everything else was petty: the weather...my sleep...Christmas...my yoga classes, a social event D. and I were planning to attend on Saturday...what my house looked like...everything that was not attached to that one imagined moment was irrelevant.

So that also meant that each of those moments of the last four days that I was actually in was also irrelevant. They were just  moments I had to get through until I got the big news.  I wasted precious time "dying" when I could have been living and the only place that living and dying happened was in my bloody head.  OMG!

The Background Information

I knew what this was.  Two weeks ago I was suddenly ill with something and though my medically orientated mind was saying, "Go in Lady, you need an antibiotic."...the other voice within me that presumes shaming for going in for nothing said, "No! No! Don't you dare!"  I didn't want any more embarrassing false alarms or unnecessary tests  on my file to lead to even more presumptions about me misusing the system. Besides,  I knew how to handle such an infection. And I did.  The infection went away but I was left with a lump, different than the other kinds, I get. 

At an appointment I had previously scheduled  for something totally different ...I mentioned the infection and the subsequent lump.....I wasn't going to mention it...but I did.  And that led to the discovery of something that looked very suspicious at that time.  An urgent request for Radiology was made.   My drama loving ego mind was then  ripe and ready to ignore my gut knowing of what was going on, and to  hear that it could be more than that.  It ran off with that suspicion , taking the possibility to a whole other level.

And I'm off....

So there it was. Off I go on my four day dying adventure that takes me to the climax of precisely 1045 this morning.  At that overly anticipated and dreaded moment, where the music  becomes slow and mellow in the background,  when  the tears fall down the bystanders face and the heroine clears her throat in preparation for her profoundly wise monologue,  I discover that  all the lump was,  was what I thought it was...a left over from the infection. Not only am I not dying physically, I have had another unnecessary test added to my enormous file anyway and most sadly, I lost four days of precious life  dying in my head.

Why?

 I ignored my gut, my wiser Self that was perceiving only  life in the present moment  and I listened to my ego that was expecting only death in some future moment up ahead.   Like really????    When am I going to learn?

Anything that takes us away from the present moment...whether it is through  the fear of some ominous upcoming news or the excitement of an approaching  happy life event....is ego created! Don't listen. Don't follow it where it wants to take you.

 Life ( or death) is not up there...it is  in the only time it can ever be in...right here and right now.  Get out of your head and live wisely now!!!!

(Some positive things have come from today's experience and I will write about them at another time).

All is indeed well!!!!