Not One of the Cool Kids

Not a Gaming Site.

Not sure what is going on here.  I am not sure if anyone is reading this or getting anything from it.  My stats are way down again with the exception of some "redirect" sites and I am not really sure what they do but when I check into one of them I get a gaming site? This is not a gaming site people if you accidently tapped in. lol

If one doesn't have viewers, why would they blog?

So I am not sure what is going on. I am a target for redirect sites that use obscure websites for their own purposes. That means, I am not being read or followed by the general public. Well not in anyway that would make me more than obscure. I do see some sites that check in on a regular basis. So these 1-5 readers give me some reason for coming back and I am grateful to them:) .  Do I really need an external reason, though? Some would ask: If one doesn't have readership; why do they write?  If one doesn't have viewers; why do they blog? 

Selfish Compulsion

I am just compelled, I guess.   I am not sure why I come here...why I write what I write or speak about what I speak about.  It is inexplicable really.  :)  I just feel compelled to create here and I do; to teach here and I do; to learn here and I do; to give here and I do and to receive here and I do.  It's about the process for me. 

I get so much from the process. I like what I create.  I learn from it.  I am inspired by it.  I grow from it.  Selfish, selfish, selfish. Even if I wasn't getting anything intrinsic from it...I would still come...because this compulsion to do this is so bloody strong there is no resisting it. It's me, I guess.

I don't seek viewers or readers.  I don't necessarily want to "stand out" and be seen.  I just want to write, to learn and to teach as I share. I just want to be myself. I want to give what I have to give...as little as it may be.  :)

Not One of the Cool Kids

That is never going to make me one of the "cool kids"  in school, is it? lol.  I won't be popular. That is for sure.  I am one of the "strange" and "different" kids who sits in the back of the classroom  and has no real desire to fit in and impress.

The strange kid who has purple hair, spacers and nose rings before it is even cool, learns for the sake of learning and expresses for the sake of expressing...but does it in her own way. She is okay, for the most part, being alone and socially awkward. She would rather be who she truly is , expressing Self as a breath of air, than repressing Self in order to conform and fit in with the popular kids.

She is not angry because she is not popular. She is not putting down the popular kids.  She is not out to rebel or make a statement of her individuality...she just is who she is and is okay with that.   She expresses it because she can't help it. Her creativity is like the air she breathes out.  (We don't breathe to impress do we?) She doesn't call attention to herself...barely even tries...unless she has to write a bio and leave something behind that explains who she is.

The only time I offer my site address to the public is on my  articles' bios. Even then I will only get an influx of very heavy readership for a while...almost to the point it is uncomfortable. I do not feel comfortable with a lot of attention.  Then it will gradually dwindle back down to below 100, below 20, below ten on some days and even below 5 on others.  So it is safe to say,  I am not "cool"...and I am perfectly okay with that.

Do we have to be cool and popular to do what we feel compelled to do?  Of course not...I have  learned a little something about life,  after being in school for 50 + years.(Not only am I not a cool kid, I am not one of the smartest kids in the class either...lol...taking me a long time to learn the lessons I am here to learn :)) Self actualization is all about expressing Self and giving of Self while being absent for the need of good opinion from others.  The writer I want to be, the learner I want to be and the teacher I want to be is Self actualized.

Feedback and Readership is Secondary

What I create here is not for everybody. I know that. I don't create so people will like me. I create for the sake of creating...not for validation and feedback, which is a good thing  because I don't get any.  I don't get feedback what so ever.  I check my stats only to see if someone has actually read my words or was redirected using my blog site by some spammer thingy.  (I don't even know how that all works lol.)  At the same time I hope what I have to share is benefitting someone somewhere...just one other person and it would all be worthwhile.  Well...it would be worthwhile even without that because it is benefiting me.  I am meeting some internal calling and that in itself feels good.

So I will keep coming here and I will keep writing.  I will also keep listening for any internal wisdom that tells me to stop or go elsewhere.  In the meantime...I am not going anywhere.  :)

It's all good.