Changing the Pathological Doer

A Self that goes on changing is a Self that goes on living.
Virginia Woolf

Choosing to Live.

Hmm!  How are those for mighty powerful words coming  from a feminist writer of the early 20th century?

Let's consider the fact that deep in the despair of her overwhelming depression, Woolf decided to stop living in 1941. After her English home was bombed in the Blitz she put stones in her trench coat pocket and walked out into a stream where she was carried away forever.   (Depression, BTW, is a terrible and potentially fatal disease and we, as a society need to remove the stigma attached to it, in order to save lives...including the brilliant minds of people like Virginia Woolf.  Anyway...that is a topic for another time!!!)

I seek a Self that goes on living! I see that a change in me is required so I can do that both in the physical sense and in the metaphysical sense.

Pathological Doing

I am like many of you, a pathological doer.  I equate my value on what I do and what I accomplish.  In order to feel worthy, I do.  I am resistant to simply being because I have this unfounded idea that my being is not enough.

Ego plays so many tricks with our minds, doesn't it? 

We were born into these bodies as perfect, complete human beings but ego tells us through the voices of others that still echo  in our psyches, through our ingrained beliefs, through circumstances, loss and our own apparent failures that we are not enough!  In order to be enough we must do, accomplish, compete, conquer, succeed, achieve,  win, own, cling, defend and attack. And while we do, we lose touch with what it  is to simply be.  We lose touch with who we really are. We lose sense of our inherent value. 

So to compensate...we keep doing more and the more we do the farther we get from who we are.  It becomes a vicious cycle that makes us sick. 

This type of doing  is pathological and of all the diseases I may or may not have....I can definitely diagnose myself with "pathological doing." In this sickness...I am not really living in the true sense of the word because I am not aware of my being.  I am not appreciating life as it flows around me and through me...enough.

I want to live. In order to have a Self that goes on living...I need to change.

I am trying...as many of you who are waking up too...are trying.  I have come far in making change but in my newfound awareness and ability to observe  myself ...I see I have a ways to go.

I see how I am at work...how I am in the kayak or other athletic pursuits...how I am in my writing ( I am so compelled to write two articles a week, to finish the many  novels and books I have started, to complete my writing tasks).  I can also observe how I feel when I can not get things done...such shame and guilt and fear. When I do not do enough , my ego tells me I am not enough.  How sick is that?

Are you listening to ego?

What is truly sick about all this ..is that I listen to ego.  Here I am waking up to my true Self...seeing and understanding who I really am...growing and expanding into something so much more than my ego bound self...yet I still listen to ego. 

The universe supports my growth.  It wants me to just be. It puts down these wonderful blessings and learning opportunities in front of me: my diminished physicality, a partner who is a perfect example of beingness,  tremendous learning in mentors, teachers, books , this drive to write about "being", and a physical inability to "do' as much as I used to in my work or other pursuits. Through these things, it is showing me that it is perfectly okay to just be. It wants me to just be. 

And I still resist.

  I still push past the  symptoms and yes I go past the four on the scale  even though I know better.  Regardless of how my body or the precious moment I am in protests,  I still feel the need to do  for fear that being is not enough. I want to stop resisting.

So how do we change so the Self can go on living?  How do we get past this pathological need to do in a society that supports and rewards ego's mandate?

Steps to Change: Being over Doing

1. First, we must be aware of our propensity to do.  Review your day, review your life and observe this doing tendency.  Of course, doing is a necessary component of life on this planet  but is your doing pathological?  Are you doing for the sake of compensating for a sense of unworthiness?  How do you feel when you do not do?   Admitting to a problem is always the  first step to change.
2. Secondly, we must be willing to change. We must want more than the  ego offers.  We must want truth more than illusion; peace more that ego reward.  Are you willing to change?
3. Be aware of ego's presence in your life.  Simply observe ego at work.  When you feel the drive to do...know it is ego.  If you have moments where you are feeling anything but peaceful or joyful, know it is ego.  When you are feeling shame, fear or worry...ego! Once you recognize ego's voice it will be easier to ignore what it has to say.
4. Next, we need to make a conscious commitment to spend more time being.  Make it a part of your daily plan to sit quietly, alone, in stillness for so many minutes a day. 
5. Look at it as Practice!   Remember beingness  is something you practice.  The more committed and disciplined you are, the more you will get from it. Be patient with yourself and with the process.
6. Meditate.  Start out slow as you incorporate beingness into your life.  Meditation requires practice to perfect. I meditate twice a day for 20 minutes each time.  This has become a part of my daily routine.  I started out with just a few minutes once a day and worked my way up.  My meditation practice is far from perfect but it is getting better. You will have to determine what works best for you. You can use a guided meditation or simply sit in stillness and quiet.  Again ...whatever works for you.
7. Practice Mindfulness throughout your day.  Just be more aware and more conscious of the inner self as you "do' throughout the remainder of your day.  With every activity you take on ...watch yourself doing it, slow down, and breathe.  Feel it and everything that is going on around you as you do.
8. Slow down! Remind yourself that life is not a race.  One of the reasons we do so intensely is that we fear time will run out.  In our hurry to get things done we lose touch with what is really important.  Slow down and enjoy the ride.
9. Get help and support!  Turn to the people around you and ask for their support.  Get them to be observing eyes on the look out for your ego activation.  Ask them to tell you if they notice that you are doing too much, or doing too intensely.  You may also need  the help of a professional if your doing has gotten completely out of control.
10. Seek the truth that lies within.  What you are really looking for...the only thing that will truly make you value being over doing....lies in the remembering of who you really are.  The only way you will remember is if you slow down long enough to go inward where the true Self resides.  Seek that truth and you can not help but be.

All is well in my world.