The Inner Work of Learning Who Is Driving

....If you can free yourself within, you will be free for the rest of your life. That is worth working for. That is the work of a yogi.

Michael A. Singer

I consider myself a pretty committed yogi, I do.  I am seeking to free myself from within. I often use visualizations and analogies to help me understand what that freedom entails. 

Visualizing the Student Driver

 In my trying to explain the "experience" I have when I visualize myself as the student driver in the vehicle I am practicing in, I lost the "experience" of it.  Weird. Trying to conceptualize that which is beyond conceptual explanation can take us from the "experience" of that which we are attempting to explain, and pull us back into the mind. Can't it? 

Anyway, I opened up to this podcast this morning and it was like "Wow!" It brought me back to the "experience" of being the driver ( Objective Observer, Quiet Watcher, Detached Witness, Soul etc. ). I also noticed that weird serendipity again when Michael Singer spent some time talking about the "Who is aware?" (I just posted a guided meditation on that). Of course, I have been somewhat of a student of his for years now...I am absorbing his teachings and it just might be coming out of me, as mine. But still I think it is cool how much we think alike in the same time frames.  

So back to the Student Driver on the practice course of Life:

What I experience, then, when I see myself as the quiet, forever calm and peaceful driver behind the wheel of this form vehicle (body, mind, energies, names, labels, roles, desires, aversions, reactions, life situations, successes, failures,  karma etc) is a wonderful detachment from this identity of 'little me' living this Life. I am in the process of realizing that I am the driver of this experience, (even though this Being drives on cruise control, with or without my awareness). The "student" part of this comes with the relearning of this Truth. I am in the  process of eliminating the veil that exists between what I think I am, and what I am.  The student graduates when they see they are the driver and not the form they are driving. 

The Veil Between What We Think We Are and What We Are

As a student, advancing in my learning, the veil has thinned out quite a bit. I can now,  for the most part, though I still often slip into blind spots and bad driving habits, observe the paths on this course and see that they are all there for my learning. They are neither bad or good, wrong or right, shouldn't be or should be...they are just what they are and I can learn from all of it.  I am becoming more and more willing to open up to the paths that unfold in front of me and  travel  down them with less and less resistance. I am even, at times, saying "Bring it on!" when I find myself on some dark foreboding road...paths I would have driven 100 miles around before to avoid. As terrified as I still am at times, I am willing to do this course so I can learn.  I want to learn and grow. That goal has become more important to me than listening to my fear.

Just Form

Even more cool, is that I can, from behind the wheel, observe the vehicle I have been given, with all its imperfections and strengths.  I see its neurotic tendencies  and what I, as "little me" have done to this form with my unconscious and unskillful driving. I can see how  the way I have driven in the past over the paths that were laid out before me, has bumped up my fenders, scratched up the paint and has effected my energies. I see the tendencies to want to protect some of these energies and  to avoid experiencing more, that still exist within me. I see how challenging it is many times to simply be in this form, let alone to drive it.  Yet, there is so much less judgement of it. So much less attachment to it.  I no longer see the need to shame it or redeem it.  It has so little importance on my mission. When I can say, "This is just a form...partly what I was given and partly what I created," ...it frees me so much to get through the veil and realize who I am and who I am not.

Not the Vehicle; the One Behind the Wheel

Though I may not yet confidently identify as a mature and skilled driver, I know I am not this form it is driving!  I am the One behind the wheel observing it. This body with all its rust, noisy exhaust system, and cracked windshield,(as hard as it may be to look at or be in sometimes)...is not who I am.  I am the One behind the wheel observing it. This mind ...with all its conflicting and nonstop thinking, its crazy emotions, beliefs, stories and ideas is not who I am either. I am the One behind the wheel watching all this mind stuff. These ever changing and emerging energies that are stuck inside this vehicle from all my past driving experiences ( my karma) is not who I am either. I am the one behind the wheel witnessing these energies emerge.  This course I am driving through, with all its unpredictable nature, its smooth paths and its rough ones, its bumps, potholes and obstacles has so little to do with "me".  I am simply one soul behind one of the 8 billion wheels out there  that gets to observes it all, watch it all, witness it all and experience it all.   

We Are All Learning

What this realization does for me is amazing.  If I can see myself as a student driver, I am less likely to beat myself up for being anxious and afraid or to resist when those energies arise.  I see the fear as a part of the vehicle not the driver...as part of the form, not the formless.  I don't try to stop the fear from emerging, I don't try to fix the path "out there"so I feel better "in here" ...I buckle up, sit behind the wheel and I watch it all go down.  I just watch it.  When I screw up and do something unconsciously, falling away from my mission...I don't get all tangled up in guilt and shame as mind so wants me to do...I look at it as the tendency of this form I am in, a need for more learning and practice, and I detach by slipping behind the wheel once again to witness and observe. When others drive noisily past me or into me, I do not react as I used to.  I see them too as students ...some much more advanced than my form, some much less, but regardless I see them all as students learning just like I am learning.  Even if I cannot see them clearly, I know there are student drivers somewhere inside those vehicles they are driving. I am caring less and less about what those vehicles look like, how they sound, what they do as I remember that within each form is a Soul on a mission to learn and evolve. I care less and less about how my form appears to them, and find comfort in knowing their form may not know I am in here but their driver does.  Every time I do this...look  inwardly and outwardly from behind the wheel, I am progressing as a "student" and becoming more and more the graduate driver of this experience of living. 

I just think that is so cool! Life isn't so scary when I approach living like that.  It isn't so complicated.  It isn't about "me"  so I am no longer feeling pressured to do anything about it.  I can just let it all be as I continue to learn, "I am not this form and all its dramas, I am the one behind the wheel of it."  

And there is nothing but peace in this driver seat.  Nothing that has to be fixed, or controlled here ...nothing that has to be done.  I can just lean back, slip into cruise control, and enjoy the drive.

All is well

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 9, 2023) Your Inner Work. https://tou.org/talks/

Thankful for Being a Student Driver

 I take to the open road, heathy, free, the world before me. 

Walt Whitman

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today  is a day set aside for the purpose  of giving thanks, in my part of the world. And there is so much to be thankful for.  I used to write lists in the hundreds but I learned, through a course I took to become a "Positive Psychology Practitioner"(still not sure what that even is lol), that it is best to think of no more than three things at a time when we are pondering what we are grateful for. We need to truly reflect upon and savour each thing on our gratitude list. Hmm! And no, I am not going to share my entire trio right now.  I need to think long and hard about what I would prioritize. There is one thing I am grateful for, though, from my list of 100 things and that is this analogy that popped into my head a few days ago that allows me to view Life in a whole new and freeing way. 

The Student Driver Behind the Wheel of Form

If I see myself as the student driver of the noisy vessel or vehicle I am in, the vessel or vehicle  that is making  all the drama, having all the so called problems; the vessel that is always busy doing, thinking, feeling, judging, labelling,grievance collecting, grasping, clinging and pushing away; the vehicle that is either "bothered" or overly infatuated with the physical world; and the vessel that is accumulating all the karma ...rather than the vessel...it is so freeing.  When I do not see myself as  the form that is moving around mindlessly on this planet, rusting and falling apart, making a mess of things, I am not so attached to what happens to this form or the outcomes of this forms' actions, I am not overly concerned with the mess it is making. 

When I see myself as  the one behind the wheel, I detach  from any identification with this thing I am temporarily in. The drama does not seem that important. Sure, I know it is my job to take care of it, to steer it in the right direction, and that if I don't, I may reap what it sows but I also know I am not here as an experienced Nascar driver. I am just a student.  I do not have to expect perfection of myself. My entire Life is a driving  practice. Each road I take is just a part of this learning practice.  I do not need to expect perfection of myself or any of the other 8 billion student drivers out there. . . 

It is all about the learning and settling into the driver's seat as our reality.

This vehicle is just  the form I am in. The form includes the body, of course, the mind and all the mind stuff ( thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc.) , the personality, the roles I play ( job, family and social roles), what I own in the material world etc.  This form is just what I am in. It is what I have been given to use for the learning process. It isn't who I am.  It doesn't matter what make or model it is...doesn't matter what it has in it for an engine.  It doesn't matter what year it is or how it performs on these paths.  It doesn't matter what happens to it. What matters is that I drive the best I can with what I am given  and that I keep improving. 

How many of us actually see ourselves as the one behind the wheel and get to truly experience the feeling of the steering wheel in our spiritual hands?  Not many. Many of us, instead,  believe we are the vessel or vehicle we are in. Somewhere, along the line, most of us forget that we are the driver that is  supposed to be driving. 

Auto Drive

We have shifted our physical, mental and energetic bodies  into auto drive and have fallen asleep behind the wheel.  We allow the vessels and vehicles of form to drive themselves up and down these paths that are unfolding in front of us. These forms, without the awareness of the wise driver within, are driving blindly and without a well centered steering wheel to guide with. They steer us all over the place, into and over things, creating chaos, drama and destruction. Why?  Because we have become so attached to our identity as them, we forgot  we are and were the drivers behind the wheel. We are  not that which we are in and are not here to serve  this vehicle. It is here to serve us.  It shouldn't be driving us around...we should be driving it.  As long as we are unconsciously allowing body, mind, thoughts and feelings  and our reactivity to Life to do the driving...we will not pass many road tests, let me tell ya.  And we will have to keep repeating the practice and the testing again and again and again. 

Life is Just a Practice Course

When I  see this playing field we call Life as just a practice course for student drivers, I feel an easing of guilt, shame and blame. I know mistakes are expected.  What happens out there seems to lose its importance, in anyway except for its learning potential. I don't have to take it all so seriously.  I can even have a little fun with it.   If I do good and get a high score in one area...great.  If I make a lot of mistakes and screw up royally in other areas, even better. I am here for the learning. 

Karma

Sure, mistakes will have consequences.  The instructors Life hires and calls Karma, may flunk us, reprimand us, and even increase the intensity of our practice field but they are not doing that to punish us.  They are doing what they do to help us learn what we are here to learn. We will make mistakes; we will get off course; we will do damage to our vehicles and the vehicles of others.  That is a given. We will  keep  hurting our form and  the form of others until we are able to  master the course. 

I have always had this tremendous fear of hurting others in their forms.  When I think of Life like this, however, I am relieved to know I cannot really hurt others...nor can I be hurt by them.  We can bang up each other's vehicles like two opponents on a demolition derby track, creating all kinds of karma...effects for our causes...but the driver ...who we really are...does not get hurt. It is only the form that gets hurt, disturbed, uncomfortable. The form is so inconsequential, and the driver is beyond harm. 

Sometimes those high impact collisions help us to wake up and remember that we are the ones behind the  wheel. When we realize this, we  can get out of autodrive and drive away, undisturbed by any of it.

The Goal of Practice 

That is this goal of this learning field Life provides, isn't it? : To wake up and  remember who we really are, and then to gently  take control of the wheel again, to drive our Selfs up and over any road we are asked to drive on, without being attached to or disturbed by any of it. Our goal is to get to the point where we experience the ride fully and openly, and are able to enjoy all of it, as Soul not form.

All is well. 

"Who Is Aware?"

 The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.

Lao Tzu

Offering a guided meditation that will hopefully help get you to experience the deeper Self for a few minutes out of your busy day.

All is well

Recognizing the Student Driver Within the Vehicle

 It is not about what you are doing ...it is about why you are doing it.

Michael A. Singer

Once again, it was like Michael A. Singer was reading my mind when I was pondering, "What do I do here...how do I serve ...what changes do I make out there, so it feels better in here?", and he came up with the answer I needed in the below linked podcast,   The answer: It is not about what we do people.  It is about why we are doing it. 

There I was, (like many of you might also be doing) trying to understand Karma and going to my twisted up mind to ask , "Okay what do I "do" with this life so that I am not accumulating more of this "awful" karma, so that I am serving in the way I am supposed to, and so I can fulfill God's Will for me?" And, with breath held, I was waiting for an answer. 

The Mind Can't Answer that Question

Duh?  What was I doing? Mind cannot give me an answer. First, it is broken and neurotic, not to mention, responsible for getting me into this mess in the first place. Whatever advice it gives me, cannot be trusted to serve my higher Self.  And second, it is only in the way. The mind is what stands between you and God. We can't go to this mind,then, for these types of answers. 

So, What Do We Do?

We must remember who we are and why we are here. We are souls and we are here to learn. 

Who We Are and What We Are Here to Do

I find so much peace in remembering that earth is a place where souls come to evolve. I find great comfort in imagining that this student soul within me, (like all the other 8 billion student souls on Earth)  has put itself into  a particular body with its attached genetics and collective unconscious (stored memories from its ancestry);into a particular life situation like the one I was born into with all its possibilities and limitations; into the traits and potentials that lead to a specific personality; and into a karmic  potential that it is responsible for, exactly when it did, for the purpose of learning, growing and evolving. When I see my Self (as soul) driving around in this vechicle of body, mind, personality, and Karma over all the possible paths this earth school provides, seeing all the others around me doing the same...it is like "Wow! Isn't this cool?" 

The Student Driver's Mission

I lose my attachment to vehicle, circumstances and all the drama going on out there when I remember that the driver...the soul inside...is on a mission. Everything else is not that important. 

Though the karmic results we all experience differ from vehicle to vehicle, path to path...everybody is doing the same thing I am doing: just figuring their way around. Sure, the vessels all seem to differ in appearance, strength, character etc. as they  go along their merry, or not so merry, ways bumping into things or running over things, hurting others or  helping others, choosing the apparent "wrong path"  or the apparent "right path", making  mistakes or getting it right, and succeeding or failing ...but the student soul, driving of these vehicles, is the same. It pays no attention to things like failure or success.  It is too busy learning. And each of us, as we drive along, are here to grow and evolve, using what we got, making the most of  the paths we are offered.  We just have to do our best with whatever shows up in front of us, using whatever level of clarity we are at when the lessons or the testing comes our way. Our best is good enough.  We do not need to get A's or make the dean's list...we just need to do our best and learn. We learn best sometimes from our mistakes. 

Mistakes help us to understand what we have to learn...if you did the best that you could ...failure becomes your teacher.

So accept and honor the learning potential in each effort, without the need for a certain outcome, and without the need to defend or shame or blame. 

Don't Try to Fix the Path, Just Take It!

  

Though, the paths and all their offered openings and obstacles may differ for these human forms we inhabit...some so challenging to traverse, others so easy... they all serve a specific learning need for that soul in that vehicle.  We may want the paths (circumstances, life events, other people we encounter  etc.) before us to be a certain way.  We may project a certain expectation on them, but they will never be the way we think they should.  Our wanting and not wanting, our attempting to fix the paths Life throws our way only take us from our learning. We need to accept and honor each path that unfolds before us for all the learning potential it provides. It is never about changing the outside to make our experience here easier. (There is little learning and growing potential in 'easy'.)  It is about realizing that each hard lesson, each challenging path will help us to grow.  That is why we are here! That is why the person next to you is here! 

Don't Get Hung Up on the Vehicle

We must do our best, as well, not to let these vessels get all jammed up with stuff that prevents us from seeing the soul and the valuable learning taking place within us. When we get too identified with being the vessel, we get jammed up with stuff related to our wanting and not wanting. All the experiences we encounter, we must remember, are for the soul inside, not for the vehicle on the outside.  Don't get too hung up on creating appearances for the vehicle.  Remember who is driving. The vehicle and the path are really only tools the Soul uses to grow. Evolving  is an inside game. 

Not About Doing or Not Doing!

The mind, as a part of the vehicle, will tell you to "do". Soul will tell you to "be" . This journey here is a short one.  Don't waste time getting hung up on the doing for the vessel's sake. It is not about doing or not doing...it is about being completely open and doing the best you can with whatever unfolds in front of you. It is about growing through whatever is unfolding in front of you.

Renewed Commitment

So, when things get tough, when the path before me seems jammed with obstacles, I am going to visualize my Self, as Soul, driving around in this vehicle of body, mind, accumulated memory and personality that I am greatly responsible for creating. I am going to remind myself that I am not the vehicle.  I am the one in it.  When I look at others doing their thing, I am going to remind myself: They are not the vehicles I see, they are the souls driving them (even if they do not know they are). When the path that unfolds before me gets tough, as paths are sure to do, I am going to be open and grateful to the learning potential each challenge brings to this soul.  When karmic consequence makes big red Cs Ds and even Fs on my test results, instead of crying out to the world with "Oh Why...why are you picking on me?", as I tend to do. I am going to thank Karma and say, "Great! I have more learning to do, more growing. Bring it on!" 

And when I catch this vehicle reciting its never ending mantra of "Give me! Give me! Give me!", I will remind myself, once again, that I am not the vehicle, but the soul within that is driving. I will tune out the outside noise, and tune into the inside mantra instead, that goes a little like this: 

"I am here to grow...I am here to serve...I am not here to take...I am here to give....Let me grow, let me grow.  I am here to grow." 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 6, 2023) The Highest Path: Doing Your Best. https://tou.org/talks/

Just Getting it Down

 

Just get it down on paper, and then we will see what to do with it.

Maxwell Perkins

I am not sure what to write about today.  I am feeling a mixture of so many things. 

Anyway, I am getting more and more embarrassed as I read through entries that were recently read by others, and notice the number of typos, spelling and grammatical errors...more typos than anything.  I write so fast when I write here, and the words and thoughts are coming out faster than my fingers can keep up. I am not sure I could slow down if I wanted to. It is a free flow of whatever is inside, that comes out  for cathartic reasons. I do not want to interrupt the flow. I also want this to be a very authentic experience for me and others, like we just ran into each other in the street, you know? That is why I publish the first draft with little to no editing. I probs should spend more time, however,  post processing with Grammarly or something.  I don't know.  I suppose these typos are making me, as a writer,  look less credible to others.  If that is important to anything but my ego, I am not sure. Mind says: clean up the mess on these pages,  and Heart says: as long as the meaning is clear, that is all that matters. I think I will listen to Heart because I don't know if I want or have the energy for any more work! 

What do I want from this: to create an illusion of me as a perfect writer or to simply give some of my learning away? It is the giving away part that is important to me....that leads me here, not the image I create.  Still...I can be more careful, can't I, so it looks a little better to the reader.  Like tidying the house up a bit before company comes over, I don't want my guests to be uncomfortable as they are hit with the mess of my typos etc. I want them to be able to focus on the message and not the mess, you know?  

So, dear readers, I will try to clean up a bit before you come over but please know how much I hate housework lol.  It will never be perfectly neat and tidy, k?.

All is well. 

Hey Mind! You're Fired

 You must be willing to sit comfortably with the anguish of your heart.

Michael A. Singer 

I was up most of the night ...somewhat anxious, with the mind whirling around. It always surprises me when I slip back to that level where I am resisting the  anguish of the heart.  And that is all anxiety is, isn't it? Anxiety is our resisting sitting with the heart when it is uncomfortable.  We go to this mind that we overloaded with our demands and which is now neurotic AF, and ask it to make it all better.   The mind is just doing its job when it is whirling around like mine was last night, with all its what ifs and how are we going to prepare for that or fix that etc. It was just doing the job I asked it to do.  Why would I ask it to do that? So I wouldn't have to deal with the "what is" of reality or an aching heart. It is just an aching heart. It is what is. And even if I wanted it to, the mind can't fix it. 

We need to just let our hearts ache a bit for whatever reason they are aching...to be afraid, angry, sas,  or upset. We then have to say to the mind, "Okay , Mind. Thanks for trying but it is time for you to find employment elsewhere. I have to let this be what it is."  This will not only alleviate mind of any extra burden, it will allow us to fall back into what is really important. We have to be able to sit in whatever state the heart is in. 

When you don't have to tend to your heart you fall back to the Self...into consciousness and being.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True (October, 2023) Releasing the Burden of Worry (S3, E) 4). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIrdxQMVtRY

My Dharma

 The higher nature in man always seeks for something that transcends itself and yet it is the deepest truth; which claims all its sacrifices, yet makes this sacrifice its own recompense. This is man's dharma, man's religion, and man's self is the vessel.

Rabindranath Tagore

Bots are gone. Numbers are down to a much more realistic amount. It is all good. Sitting here at one pm., after just getting my grandson down for a nap, wondering what to do with this hour or so I have to myself.  Actually, I am still wondering what to do with what is left of my life time. lol (See previous entry).

Sigh!

Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing to fulfill my dharma?

I have been asking that question for so long now.  It is time to just stop, be still, and listen for an answer.  I am not sure in what type of voice the question will be  answered.  Will it be a clear, internal knowing that will come to me in a meditation?  Will it be in a dream? Will it come with a change of circumstances perpetuated by some force outside /inside me ( karma) that I will have no choice but to deal with? I don't know how I will know, I am just trusting that I will know what has to be done, other than this, if anything, when the time for action comes. For now, I can't memorize my lines from some script so I can prepare  enough to ensure I  play out the part perfectly when I am cued to come onto a different  stage, if I am called upon at all.  I will just have to be willing to wing it...without any costumes or make up or practice to hide behind if I am asked to play any role other than this one. Hmm! I am not even sure what kind of role it will be...if any.  Will it be a lead or co-starring role.  Will it be a minor part or maybe just an "extra's" part I will be called to play.  Will it be villain or heroine? Does it really matter?

How will I know I am playing the right part, doing what I am supposed to be doing, burning off this karma in the right way?  Will I suddenly feel the support of a current taking me some place , instead of feeling like I am fighting against it, like I so often do now?  Will things get easier 'out there"? Will it just feel right?  I don't know.

Maybe I am already doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...even though I feel so "unproductive"in this role, even though it is role I never seen myself playing: "retiree committed to pursuing a sadhana practice while she  struggles to make ends meat and finds the only time she is productively peaceful  is when she is writing, sharing, teaching in some way!"? 

Everyday I have the compulsion...and it is a strong compulsion...to come here.  I spend a good portion of my morning here.  I just follow the pull and put down, create, share whatever is asking to come out and it feels so right in so many ways. Even though what I offer is so imperfect? (I have been noticing the many errors and typos on these pages for example---writing and thinking too fast...not making a thoughtful offering). I haven't a clue if this is fulfilling even a smidgeon of my higher self or my dharma.  I don't know if I am doing what I was meant to be doing, if I am serving in a meaningful way, if I am burning off any karma, or if I am just wasting valuable time. I Don't Know!  

There is no feedback what so ever  The universe is not giving me any signs about whether or not this is a valuable use of my earthly time, if I am doing any "good". I know practically I  need to be out there making money somehow...I am quickly going under in that area of "my life". I  barely make  a cent off of anything I do that seems to be pulling me heart wise: this blog, my poetry, my other writing, my years and years of studying, Yet, this, whatever it is I am "doing" here, is the most important part of my day.  It pulls me to it and I go. I offer what I offer to God only knows who in this very imperfect way I do ( I really need to slow down the writing , thinking process a bit lol). 

It is absolutely crazy but I am going to keep doing it until the Universe tells me otherwise.

All is wise. 

Listening to Your Heart; Hearing Your Dharma

...Listen to your heart, you will know what is good for you. 

Ram Dass

"Why am I here and what am I supposed to be doing with this incarnation", is probably the biggest existential questions out there next to "Who am I?" I know it is something I am always pondering, especially recently.  How do we know what our "dharma" is? 

I can try to answer that question by taking what I learned so far and regurgitating back to you what felt good in my heart. :) Being that I just listened to this talk from Ram Dass today, I will be echoing a lot of what I heard...the parts that made sense that is, those gems of wisdom that resonated within me, as most of it did. 

Who we are not...

I think the first part to answering that question is to attempt to explain  who we are,  or more importantly, who we are not.  We are conditioned to believe, as Dass and others including  A Course in Miracles teaches,  we are these seperate little "packages" of body, mind and personality randomly plopped here or there for a finite number of years. These packages, we come to believe, are things we need to defend and protect at all costs from all the other separate packages out there.  Sometimes we even need to attack.  We defend and attack through our judgment faculties and  interpretations of our perceptions, which  are created based on our memories and stored samskaras.  We spend our lives deciding what is "good, bad, should be", as  we open up enough to pull all the wanted into our experience, clinging to "that stuff"  with all our might.  We also spend our finite time here deciding what is "bad, wrong, and shouldn't be" ...closing down, resisting and doing everything we can to push that stuff away.  Of course, pushing away means stuffing down and that stuff gets stored within us, coloring our perceptions, triggering our reactions to life as it is constantly being pulled back up by life events. We create the psyches, the personality, the "me" we think we are when we do this.

As this package of "me"  we then  assume roles that we believe will enhance this me. We look about at the other packages in their roles and we judge and decide if they are good or bad, right or wrong based on these outward packages and what they are "doing" or "not doing". We mistakenly believe this is who we are and who the other is.  We mistakenly believe our dharma  is to find a life-job for this superficial little entity.

Dass reminds us that the idea we have of  me is not who we are. It is just the outer packaging.  What we see in the other is often not who they are...just the outer packaging.  Our dharma then, is not about what this outer package does or doesn't do.  It is what the being inside is and what it wants this package to do while here, in its service. Hmm!

Look behind the mask and make contact with that being and not demand they be anything but what they are

Get Quiet Enough to Hear

Next , in order to understand our dharma is...what we should or could be doing in the service of  God and the universe while here, we need to get quiet; we need to become still; we need to detach ourselves a bit from the drama "me" is playing in and listen with our whole heart as to what part of the dance we are meant to be taking part in.

 ...follow your natural course but stay quiet enough to hear what that is... 

...when you quiet down you will  hear your dharma...what your part is to play

....there is no single form...the game is to be what you need to be...follow your natural course but stay quiet enough to hear what that is...don't "head trip your way through"

Choose a Practice that Works Best for You

How do we quiet down? Well that, of course, is our personal sadhana, our practice.  The means of quieting down are many. And though the paths are plenty, you have to decide which one feels right for you.  What helps you to quiet down the most?  Maybe you need a sangha, a congregation, a group... or maybe you are like me and quiet down  better in solitude and aloneness? Maybe you quiet down in church or in the woods, with prayer or with some form of activity? Experiment with different philosophies and techniques. I practice yoga, I meditate, I try to surround myself with nature but there is something that instantly touches  me and seems to bring me directly to peace when I listen to Buddhist masters like Thich Nhat Hanh teach. I am still working on quieting down and listening. 

Stay Behind, Do Not Get Lost in the Forefront

Remember to detach a bit from the going ons of the physical world and to stay behind the package with  all its entanglements and compulsions.  It can so easily pull us away from the true Self into the melodramas of the false self if we do not stay aware. We have to play the game but we do it from behind the scene.

The game only gets harmonious when, though we play the game fully, we are sitting behind it, ever present, with no attachment...total involvement with no attachment.

We also have to detach from outcomes

Even if our role is to be a Boddhisattva...to do whatever we can to end suffering, we need to realize that suffering will not end. Suffering serves a purpose. Our dharma, then,  is to do whatever we can to end suffering without being attached to whether or not suffering ends.

All Parts Serve a Purpose.

We need to also detach from our judgements of  these packages of self or other as good or evil.  Someone on the surface, who seems so self or other destructive , playing out some heavy karma and possibly even harming others...is still playing a valuable part.  We need both the bodhisattvas and those who are taking part in the Shiva aspect of God ( destruction, chaos etc) for the dance to continue, 

Dass talks about a renown Buddhist lama who wore the packaging of an alcoholic sex offender  while he taught the dharma.  Dass explains how he would often look into the eyes of this often judged "inappropriate and evil" dharma teacher, past the mask of his behaviours and addiction, to see the being that we all share. That being was pure and had every right to speak the dharma even though his outward form of  personality and body was a mess. It was the form that was playing out his karma and the  Being, behind the form, that was fulfilling Its dharma.

Look at the 'Awful Mess" and Be Awe-filled

When we have achieved enough space between Self and self...when we observe our experiences from behind the scenes, we will see tremendous suffering around us: many unconscious beings being pulled by the compulsions of their forms, poverty, illness, pain, depression, loneliness and death. We need to remember that it is all part of the dance.

Once there is that little space you become in awe of the total exiguitness of the design of it all...become aware of the "awful ( awe-filled) compassion" of it all

It is the art of a warrior to balance the terror of being a man with the wonder of being a man. Don Juan 

Don't Resist the Suffering. Go Into the Market Place and Burn

It isn't you as the being that suffers.  It is just the outer packaging that will burn away in the fire of suffering and we want it to burn away.  We want the Being beneath the mess we made calling the shots, don't we?

Suffering is grace...telling us we have a secret stash of attachment hidden somewhere.

The process is taking the stuff of daily life and giving space to just  how it is and taking that energy and converting it and working with it...working with your desires, working with your loneliness...depression etc

Stay in Tune With the Philosophy of Richness

The philosophy  of riches says...I am what I am and here it is and here we all are being just what we are and  it is enough..and when we will be something else we will be something else....giving space to your being as it is. 

"How do we fulfill our dharma"... in a nutshell?

Listen to your heart, learn who you are, and be it.

All is well

ACIM

Ram Dass/ Be Here an Now Network (March ? 2023) Ram Dass: Hearing Your Dharma, Hearing Your Part-Here and Now Ep220 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLGI0l_GmFU&t=2s

Exiting the Comfort Zone

 To be outstanding-get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Alrik Koudenburg

Leaving the comfort zone is not something anyone of us "want to" do but it is something we come to realize, at some point, that we need to do.  That doesn't make it easy though. Oh no!  Even when these comfort zones are stifling, restricting, dark and depressing we resist taking that step out, don't we?

How Do We Get Out of These Ruts? 

Someone approached me yesterday with a question.  "How do I  get out of this rut I am in?" She was in tears.  She had recently left her job for a stress leave that turned into an "I can't go back".  She hid in the comfort of her room for months, in an attempt to escape from the stress she felt the job and the demands of the 'real world'  were causing her.  Now her sick note has run out and therefore so has her income.  In order to extend her benefits, she needs another sick note.  ( And she is deserving of a note. She is sick...sick with shame for being  mentally and emotionally  unwell). She is overwhelmed with sloth and torpor...or what is known in Hindu traditions as an imbalance  of Gunas and a leaning toward the Tamas, "a state of  darkness, inertia, inactivity, and materiality".  In western terms, it is called depression. 

Stuck in Tamas

She says she feels  so stuck, so 'overwhelmed' she cannot even make the call to reach out to a health care provider for a note. Even with kind, supportive guidance and direction from others, she seems unable to help herself get out of this mess...to take any steps forward. She has not been able to keep her surroundings intact and liveable, either,  because of her condition, and she says that looking at it just adds to her stress and her sense of shame and overwhelm...thus triggering her need to escape what she has created for herself in her comfort zone. Yet, she also says, everything requires too much effort for her to even try. So, instead of getting out physically...she is resorting to getting out mentally by numbing as much as she can with sleep, substances and food. She is hiding from reality in this comfort zone/dungeon she created. It is hard for her to get out so she resists even trying.

Hmm! As I pondered her situation and my limited ability to help, I felt overwhelmed.. (This requires professional intervention!). I did, however,  help her to consider and  write down a few tiny steps she could take forward, encouraged her to come out for a nice walk in the woods with me, to spend some time around the horses[ horses are magical in their ability to soothe people in need], and I cleaned her room for her. I will make some of the initial calls but, of course, as an adult, she will have to do the rest.) 

Easier to Observe It in Another.

Oh man...I can see so clearly, as I watch and listen, what she is doing to herself...what her habit mind is doing and how she is listening and believing it when it is telling her, "I can't handle this! Stay here and hide! " I see her standing there, holding the key for her own prison door and I just want to shout, "Just Use  It Already!!!" but all she hears is, "I can't handle this! I can't handle this!! I can't handle this!!"

 I know she has to unlock and push the door of resistance open, so she can get out,  let go and be free. I know she can do it, even if she doesn't think she can. She is not stuck in her suffering, none of us are, she just thinks she is. I want her free, more than I want myself free.  Hmm! But alas...her journey is not mine to control.

We Are All A Little [or alot] Stuck

Besides, it would be hypocritical for me to try.  You see, as I look at myself, I see that I too am in a comfort zone of my own making...one I am not fond of, at all. There is an imbalance in my gunas, as well.  I am fluctuating between the lazy, stuckness of Tamas and the overconcern about outcomes of Rajas. I need a little Sattva ( the harmony and balance between the two) in my life. I am pretty darn stuck! I need to unlock my own prison door before I can tell someone else to unlock theirs.

I see as Life unfolds, that it is painting these  subtle little arrows  on the ground before me...pointing the direction out, but so addicted to this awful thing I created, am I, I resist placing my feet down on these arrows.  I really do not like this comfort zone I made.  I am overwhelmed with stress, barely clean my own space, broke as sh*&, and feeling  more than a little unwell at all levels.  I go from saying,  "Man I got to do whatever I can to get out of this financial, and physical mess in any way I can", as I  seek all  possible means to outcomes of financial relief  only to , when a job presents itself to me, like it did  this morning, yelp "Yikes!"  I  pull back farther into my comfort zone. It is crazy!

Familiar

It is kind of crazy, isn't it, that habit mind will do whatever it can to keep us in the familiar, even if the familiar sucks? lol 

Why are we stuck in the familiar?  Habit mind desires.  That is a given. It has a programmed tendency to want or not want based on our samskaras, our stored emotionally wrapped memory impressions.  These comfort zones are built on "This is good. It was good to you in the past.  It will keep you safe and comfortable, so let that in!" and "This is bad. It hurt you in the past.  It will make you uncomfortable, don't let it in and by no means go out after it!" Sigh. Mind is actually trying to do us a favour with our wanting.  It is trying to protect us. Mind means well but we have to eventually see how it is really leading us astray! 

Opening and Letting Go

As Michael Singer teaches in the below podcast, Spirituality is not about getting what you want [ in this case-comfort and a place to hide from reality]...it is about letting go. If we want to be free, we need to be willing to step out of comfort to embrace the uncomfortable. We do not have to just open our prison doors, we have to eventually tear down all the walls.  We need to stand there open and exposed, relax as Life comes in and then blow through.  It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is...we need to remind ourselves "I can handle this!" If that affirmation is too much of a stretch, as it might be for someone with depression,  we can instead say, "I might not be able to  handle it right now but there will come a time when I can handle anything.  I'm working on it! So watch out."

Being, at least, willing to consider leaving the comfort zone is a positive step forward...leading to the willingness to open, relax and release. It doesn't mean it is always going to be comfortable outside those walls we built, but sometimes comfort is over rated. Discomfort is worth its weight in gold if it takes us forward. It is meant to take us forward.  If we can open up to discomfort, we can open up to Life and to the amazing flow of Shakti with in us all.

The next time Life paints arrows in front of you that lead to the way out of your comfort zone...follow them!

All is well! . 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 3, 2023) How to Practice being Okay Inside. https://tou.org/talks/

Yoga Basics (n.d.) The Three Gunas. https://www.yogabasics.com/learn/the-3-gunas-of-nature/

Suffering and the Peace Beyond It

Letting Go,

Hearing the bell,

I am able to let go of all afflictions.

My heart is calm,

my sorrows ended.

I am no longer bound to anything.

I learn to listen to my suffering,

and the suffering of the other person.

When understanding is born in me,

compassion is also born.

Thich Nhat Hanh, page 126

I was led to this Gatha today,  in around about  but very synchronistic way. Somehow the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh was meant to touch me (and I use "me" loosely). His teaching came up in an indirect way through an Eckhart Tolle video and  directly through  an audio book that ended up on my screen. It came to my awareness upon the reading of post entries read by others yesterday that I was reviewing this morning. And it came to me through his book that I have not seen for months but that is now, serendipitously, beside me at this table. 

Upon hearing and seeing his words, like some bell opening my senses,  I was automatically soothed of the inflictions and sorrows that were agitating this body and mind I call  "me" since the early hours of the morning, keeping me awake. I awoke with this incredible sense of helplessness in my ability to ease or stop the suffering of others and myself. I was questioning if I should continue to find ways to "escape" these inflictions or if I should just let go and fall completely into them. I was telling myself, "Just get up and do whatever is placed in front of you to do, regardless of the suffering in you and around you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, as a person, feel." 

It was sound and wise advice but I doubted if I was evolved enough to do that. My mind was still looking for ways to escape and I was following it.

These words from Hanh came to me in the arms of grace, you might say.  I needed to hear how this journey  is not about escaping suffering but about using compassion and understanding to transmute it.  We create compost with our emotions ...all emotions...even the difficult ones...and this compost grows flowers. Without suffering, we would not have the compost of understanding, and without understanding, we would not grow flowers of compassion and peace. Hmm!

As it turns out, one of the little things I was blaming as being a cause of my agitation was taken from "me" without any interventions, and something else that I was deeming as a possible "escape place" should I need it, suddenly became available. Go figure.

Paraphrased and relatable gems of wisdom from Eckhart Tolle:

Take one step at a time...make each step of the journey more important than the destination

the most important spiritual practice is to bring together the stillness and the doing

every challenge is an opportunity to intensify your practice

Renounce your thinking, your need to know for the peace that passes all understanding

And from Thich Nhat Hanh's Audio Book:

• All emotion is organic and deserving of our understanding and compassion
• The Kingdom of God/ Pureland exists but it is not a place without suffering...
• We must get deeply in touch with suffering in order to be healed, in order to be free
• There is no path to the cessation of suffering without suffering
• Hell is a place where there is no understanding and no compassion. With compassion, Hell ceases to be Hell
• Our practice consists of generating understanding and compassion and using them to transform hell into peace
• Kingdom of God is in your heart and in every cell of your body...

 

Our practice is not about escaping or ending suffering.  It is about finding that peace that exists beyond it. It is not about conceptually knowing but about letting go and trusting that the more we nurture what is inside and outside of us with awareness, non violence and nonduality, every challenging emotional experience we encounter will lead to the growth of amazing things...compassion and peace being just a few of them.  

All is well.

Thich Nhat Hanh ( 2011) Peace is Every Breath. New York: Harper One

Thich Nhat Hanh/ Tranquil AF ( ) You are Here. Audio Book ..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMpj0ayG0Mc

Eckart Tolle (September, 2023) How Can I Balance Stillness and Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXrQ-C-QBJg

Release, Don't Protect!

 

"Do I protect or release? Is this worth protecting?"

Michael A. Singer

Those are  the ultimate questions to ask ourselves when we suddenly  feel our samskaras being triggered by external world events, like for example, some criticism we may be hearing from others.  Before we react...we need to settle into that pause between the stimulus ( the remark ..."You are so weird! or ...so mean!" or whatever) and the response: the  usual conditioned reaction  tendency of "How dare you!  I am not mean...you are!"   In that pause that so often goes unnoticed, making it seem we slip into our conditioned reactions instantaneously...a lot is going on. As wanna-be- yogis we need to explore that pause.

Say what crazy lady?

Well, as soon as the remark hits you, do what I have often told my nursing students to do before responding to a crisis: Stop and pursue the 3 B's: Take a step Back (distance yourself from what is happening just enough so you can observe it carefully and objectively), Breathe (so you can calm down  enough to activate that wiser part of yourself), and Begin again ( once you are at least a little more relaxed and ready to practice non reactivity). 

Use the skill of observation  to extend the pause as you observe what is going on inside you after the remark lands on one of your tender spots. (And you know that is what is happening, right? It isn't so much what was said or done but what was triggered inside: a tender, unresolved wounding that you stuffed and that was festering inside you possibly for all your life keeping your mind  busy protecting it...that bothered you. The problem is that you have a mess inside and it is constantly getting poked by Life!)

After a remark or unfavorable life event, you more than likely  want to protect "me" with all its tender spots. That desire to defend and protect is where most of our reactive tendencies come from but instead of sliding right into that reaction...extend the pause from stimuli to response. In that pause, observe the mess inside you unravelling because of the trigger.

Observe how the body is tensing up: maybe you are feeling a rush of heat to your face; maybe there is a knot in your gut, some tension in the lower back, jaw or shoulders; maybe the iliopsoas is contracting making you curl forward in an instinctive desire to protect your vital organs; maybe you are trembling and your fingers are curling up into little fists; maybe your heart is racing or you are finding it hard to breathe. Observe what the body is doing as the  fight or flight response gets activated.  

Observe what thoughts are going on in your head...(before they become words that come from your mouth). The more you practice this, the reactive thoughts will give way to what is beneath them...some deep seated core belief about  your worthiness possibly. Memories that led to that original core belief, that original wounding may surface. 

Observe the feelings as they emerge.  So much energy coming to the surface ...anger? hurt? Observe the mind wanting you to do what you have always done: push back, run, hide again from these feelings.  Notice the desire to want to push it all back down.  

Don't! 

Just step mentally back a bit farther, breathe again if you have to...relax as much as you can.  Observe what is going on inside from that slight mental distance you created and with the clarity you established with breath.  Just allow it all to come up, all to happen as you simply watch it as if watching some play you paid to see. Take the "personal"  out of it because it whatever happens "out there" really isn't personal! Stay objective! Then, when you feel yourself as the objective Observer and not the actor in the play, watching your form be the random recipient of someone else's unconscious triggering ...respond with inspired action, instead of that conditioned reactivity.  

Maybe you will feel inspired to  assertively express how you feel; maybe you will be inspired to simply  smile and walk away; or possibly  you will be inspired do nothing until the other person walks away. All the while you are letting all that so wants to come up to come up and you release it all. It is not about the other person and what they did or didn't do. It isn't about what Life is doing...it is all about the mess inside of you.  You need that stuff out of you.  So allow these outer world triggers to bring it all up and out. 

When you do this you are making the conscious choice to release rather than defend because what you are defending and protecting is not worth defending and protecting.  This  "me" you are so conditioned to protect, is really nothing but an idea. Let it go.  Let it all go.

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 1, 2023) Ceasing to Protect Yourself from Life. https://tou.org/talks/

Should We Wash Away Karma?

 When you truly understand karma, then you realize you are responsible for everything in your life.

Keanu Reeves

I forgot to mention a vision I had while I was meditating this morning. I was seeking to see light emerging from a dot in this empty room of "me" and seeing that light expand and grow within me and out of me. I could visualize it. As I was doing so,  I could hear the crows outside my windows cawing to be fed ( they are very demanding in the morning and because they seem to  know where I am within my house at any given moment,  they tend to go to those windows when they want my attention...very smart birds!).  Anyway, I began to visualize them as big blotches of the same light I was seeing within myself. I heard cats outside...I did it with them.  I heard the dogs beside me breathing.  I did it with them.  It was pretty cool ...I was seeing light everywhere, inside and outside of me. 

I tried to keep my attention there on the light but  I lost it for a minute and fell into some worry I had about something.  It became a little thought stream. I caught myself in it.  I brought my attention back to the light but it seemed very difficult to make that light grow. Suddenly,  I seen what was like thick purplish black, thick slime growing over the top of this light room I was envisioning.  It crept down the sides and it seemed to dim whatever light I could envision. It was like it wanted to take over. It became harder and harder to get the light to grow and I started to wonder...Is this my karma, sticking to me, dimming the light? Should I try harder to get the light within to expand and grow so it burns off this stuff?  Should I wash this away?  Should I envision myself washing this away?  Or should I simply accept it and allow it to do whatever it is doing? Neither good or bad but what I am given. I didn't wipe it away in my vision.  I allowed it to be and tried harder to envision the light expanding within me in hope that it will eventually push through this dark heaviness, if it is meant to.  

Then later,  I come to the analogy of stuff sticking to a  mirror  in Sadhguru's book and the mention of Karma being like glue that makes us stick to our body mind mechanism. 

Sadhguru warns: If you washed away all your karma, you would exit your body this very instant! page 97

So I am glad I didn't wash away this gook in my vision and I will try my best not to wash away my karma in my waking Life...until it and I are ready to go. Karma is not a dark oppressive thing. It is a glue keeping me here so I can transcend the darkness for light.  Hmm!

All is well. 

Sadhguru ( 2021) Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books.

Stuck to the Mirror

 The problem with karmic memory is that it has stuck to you.  If everything that passes by sticks to the mirror, it is a no-good mirror. Your mirror can no longer show your life the way it is. Your perception is now seriously clouded. Now karma becomes a limitation. Page 97

Sadhguru

Not Evil

Karma is just your own creation. It is neither virtuous or evil, good nor bad....pg 97

Memory and karma are not evil things. In fact they are the basis for human life.  Without the creation of memory from pure intelligence ( Shi-va- that which is not, God-that which was not born or will ever die, or the dark empty void before the Big Bang etc) there would be no form. Without memory we would not be able to navigate our way on this planet.  We would not have survived, let alone  evolve as a species to where we are now.  And without Karma which is said to be the glue that keeps us in these physical and psychological structures we call "me", there would be no foundation and with no foundation, there would be no transcendence. Karma and memory add variety and uniqueness to us, as individuals  and to the world around us. They add different splashes of colour, music, aromas to our world.  They make Life the amazing thing it is. There is nothing wrong with karma and  memory. They were created for a purpose.

Our Choice

It is what we do with this karmic memory in our approach to Life  that is the problem. We make a choice as Adam and Eve have done . Instead of nourishing the tree of Life, they began to fixate on the succulence of the end product.  They began choosing  product over process, destination over journey, karma over yoga, knowledge over knowing. They were so beguiled by the consequences of their actions that they began to see life as a means to an end. page 93

Our Prejudiced  Perception

It is because you are looking at it through the prism-or prejudice-of memory that something seems wonderful and something seems horrible pg 97

We unfortunately use memory to perceive with and our choices are clouded with our prejudices, our likes and dislikes, our pulling in and our pushing out. We lose the capacity to perceive existence as it is, rather than as we think it is or should be. page 95  We become overly attached to the unique and individual  form and identification karma provides and these boundaries and definitions harden into the walls of a perceived "self". We create comfort zones with our compulsive: "I will do everything I can to repeat that and I will do everything I can not to  repeat this" ideation. We depend heavily on memory in order to get what we want from Life rather than embrace what it is, ignorant to the presence of chitta. Chitta is the deepest level of the mind. It is awareness, aliveness, a profound intelligence that lies beyond intellect, beyond judgement, beyond karma, beyond all divisions. page 95

Imprisoning Ourselves

We lose a sense of contact with that pure intelligence and wisdom from which we emerged. We reduce Life to a means to an end and we become imprisoned by walls of our own making. 

You have spun such a cocoon of confinement around yourself that now you cannot fly free.

It isn't karma or memory that built the walls of this prison.  We did.

All is well.

Sadhguru (2021) A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. [Chapter Five: How Did it all begin?] New York: Harmony Books.  

Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodha

 If you can still  the rippling of the mind, than you have experienced yoga, 

Patanjali,  Yoga Sutra 1:2 (paraphrased)

Say What crazy lady?

Just watch how your mind works.  Observe how the desires come in and go, how thoughts and feelings, ideas and beliefs are always changing, fluctuating.  When you notice these fluctuations, what do you do to still them?  

Well, if you noticed ripples or waves in a lake ...how would you still them? Would  grabbing at them, or pushing  them away still the lake? Would diving in and drowning in them serve a purpose? No...it would just increase the rippling, wouldn't it?  

Just step back, observe, and do nothing .  As long as you are not attempting to fix what is not yours to fix, as long as  you, as "a little me",  are out of the way, allowing the lake do what it does...then the ripples will calm on their own. Step back, relax and let the mind do what it does without getting invested in any of it...and it will calm itself down.  That is yoga.

An ignored guest quickly leaves. Yogananda's Guru, Sri Yukteswar

All is well in my world. 

Seeking the False

 It is so funny.  Though I know it is just bot activity spiking my stats and creating  this false appearance of readership...I still find myself cheering as I check the stats each day, "Come on! You can do it! Just a little over a hundred more to get 50,000 readers this month! Only one day left! Come on! Make it happen!" 

I catch myself wanting to see that 50,000 on my stats page, even though I know whatever is causing those number increases could actually be doing more harm than good. Isn't that silly?  This "me" and all its habit tendencies is one crazy chick lol.

All is well.   

Such a Miniscule Time-Frame To Be Who You Are- Use it Wisely!

 What are you going to do in this miniscule time between your birth and your death?

Michael A. Singer

Hmm! I have been heavily pondering that question over the last  two decades or so of my life, possibly pondering it, on a deeper level, since the moment I arrived on this planet. Even before I embarked on the journey of being a human seeking to have a  spiritual experience, I think I have always known... in some strange way, that I was actually  a spirit having a human experience.  Does that sound a little cra- cra? 

Spirit having a spiritual experience...? 

As I looked around the world and the going ons throughout my years...I always felt a certain degree of unease, a sense that  I didn't quite belong here, and  the things we humans were doing  just didn't seem to make a lot of sense to me.  It all felt "off" or,  at least, it felt  I was "off". From the very beginning, I had a hard time being human, of 'keeping up' with what was expected of me. I blamed that unease on the traumas and tribulations I encountered along the way and on my inability to deal with it all effectively.  

"What is wrong with me?" was always my biggest question.  I could never quite settle in this body, this mind, and this experience.  I could never quite be like the others. I think that is why I started looking to develop myself personally in my earlier years, why I was so fascinated with understanding the human mind and body. 

Esteem...

I thought I found the answer to my unease: Esteem.  I had so much hope that I could find peace of mind here, eventually, if I worked hard and didn't give up on "me".  I attempted to build  up this "me" as much as I could: physically, mentally, socially, professionally etc. I went back to school for more years than it ever showed on my paycheck or in my  titles...believing that the more I knew conceptually, the better assured I was of ending the unease. Education, a good job, and fulfilling my role in socially acceptable and expected relationships,  I erroneously believed, would  build my self esteem and the esteem by which others viewed "me".  Esteem as a self, I soon began  to see, however, might not be the answer.  

...not the answer

At first, it was wonderful.  I felt esteemed! I felt like I was finally being a successful human and that what I was doing was working. The temporal nature of the physical world, however, decided to make itself known. The body that I trained hard to be physically fit began to slow down, cough, and sputter. The social image I worked so hard to create fell apart when I started losing all those things I was clinging to in order to define who I was as a human: my marriage, my health, my career, my professional title, my income, my super-parent costume, and my knowledge. Nine years of university, and I suddenly found myself  with nothing to show for it ...no career, no professional title and living below the poverty line. My family, I soon discovered, was suffering  in the ways I feared the most and I had to face that I had no power to fix that either. Life was a mess and I was a mess. What was left of esteem blew out the window. 

Yet, I had hope.  I had hope that I could rebuild "me" and if I rebuilt "me" I would get to that ease I was longing for.  After every set back...I just tried harder...I fought the systems that held me back...I went back to school and took more courses in this or in that (more education, more conceptual knowledge, the mind assured me would fix "me" or fix this mess I was in).  Well, of course that just put me farther and farther into debt and whatever the education gave me was not in earning potential, let me tell ya.  I struggled hard financially to the point where I honestly wondered if I would end up completely destitute. 

...or human having a spiritual experience? 

Throughout all of this "me" building and this "me" falling...I knew, in my heart of hearts, that what I was doing to compensate for this feeling of unease was not the answer.  My compulsive doing was taking me farther away from what I was seeking, not closer to it. I had enough of an epiphany on reading some books by Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle to awaken a tiny bit.  Though I remained entrenched in me and its ever increasing problems and dramas for decades later, and though I continued denying my spiritual nature, I could see the path unfolding in front of me. Maybe I needed to go inward instead of outward for the solution? 

Slowly, bit by bit, I started turning the gaze inward.  I started to observe my mind in a whole new way.  I started observing this "me" I had created and started seeing how it was causing more problems than solutions. I started opening up to this idea of there being something beyond this esteem, this "me".

There is Something Greater Beyond this "Me"

 There was  Something Greater lurking in the background, observing and watching without getting lost in any of my dramas.  There was Something that was always there and Something that would always be there even after "me" in this body and mind passed on. There was a "spirit"(just a word), I realized, and it wasn't "woo-woo".  When I started to see that,  it felt so right.  It felt familiar. I began to recognize (re-cognize as in know again  what I always knew) something deeper. As I began to open to this renewed understanding,  the teachers started showing up in books,  lectures, videos and in person taking me deeper and deeper. I began to meditate and take my study of yoga deeper.  I became a yoga teacher and a meditation and mindfulness teacher ( okay there was still some of that ego incentive there.when I took these courses...that looking towards education and knowledge  to fulfill me kind of thing but I got past that too.) I became a spiritual seeker.

Not the Ego/ Not the Character

Though, I still slip back again and again into ego's need to run the show....I see so clearly now how I am not this ego. I am not, nor have I ever been, what Daniel Schmidt would call the "character,"  I have spent most of my years watching and trying to build up in hope that I would eventually find some peace and ease in doing that.  It was all one big illusion and delusion, a dream.  I see that this "un-ease" that I have always felt is there for a reason.  Truth is, I don't fit in because though  I am in this world, I am not of it.  None of us are.  I have this gut feeling, that I chose everything I am going through or went through,  before I even incarnated in this body and mind. I chose all this so  I could get to this place right where I am now.  

It Took This Long Because It Did...

It sometimes feels like I wasted forty years in this maya...this illusion, this dream state, serving the "me". Why did it take this long? I counter that regret with this mantra, "It had to happen as it did cuz it did. Every event took me to where I am now and that is all that matters. It took this long because it did." 

You do not have to be lost for forty years though.  You do not have to serve the ego instead of the spirit for as long as I have done. You do not have to build up as much karma either.  You can begin waking up right here and now. 

Knowing who I am, I now ask myself on  a deeper level than I have ever done before:  What are you  going to do in this miniscule time between your birth and your death then?   I mean, I spent most of this life so far just getting lost and building up karma...now I want to know how to let go of what is left of this "self" so I can fall back into Self and be free. That is what I want to do with this time that is left. I am acutely aware there is not a lot of time left, that I am closer to death than birth, so I cannot waste a minute.  My sadhana has become the most important thing in my life. I hope you make your practice, in whatever form it may come in, your priority as well. 

Spend this time between your birth and your death as a spirit having a human experience, not as a human having the odd spiritual experience! Wake up!

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( September 28, 2023) Levels of Spiritual Growth. https://tou.org/talks/

Awaken the World Initiative ( 2023) The Awakening Mind-Part One: Know Thyself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUZJea1UnS8

Relax

 If the problem is not outside, the solution cannot be. 

Michael A. Singer

The highest technique [for dealing with the disturbance your mind creates] is always relaxation. 

Michaël A. Singer

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True ( September, 2023) Your Highest Technique: Relaxing Behind Your Inner Disturbance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYGBrG_fDoo

Extricating Yourself from 'self'/ Freeing Yourself from Prison

That is what the game is- extricating yourself from your melodrama so you stop creating more Karma for yourself. 

Ram Dass

I am committed to awakening.  I know in my heart of hearts that it is the way to go.  The only way really. And as I commit again to this process, after falling on my ego butt too many times to count...I get validation through what I read or listen to that this is the only real path to choose.  Peace, joy, love and bliss are already in us and tapping in to that energy flow is why we are here.  Everything else is unimportant.  It really is. 

I am committed to being a yogi and a yogi knows  that it is we, and we alone, that control our own shakti flow.  We are the ones that open the valve (the proverbial heart) or close the valve to this flow. We either open and expand in response to what Life unfolds in front of us so Shakti can flow freely upward, or we close and contract in reactive resistance to what Life offers, damning the shakti flow in the lower chakras. We either look down, focusing all our powerful and beautiful awareness on the puny little me stuff which is so often dark and negative as well as insignificant and unimportant in the big scheme of things , or we look up and around this blob in the center of our vision to everything else: to spaciousness, light, freedom, and truth. We either strive, struggle, cling or push away; worry and fret over how we are going to make everything out there be as we have decided it should be,  or we let go of our attachment to any of it. We either curse karma and challenge for making our little lives difficult, or we honor and thank karma and challenge for scraping us clean. We either experience Life in limiting ways through our mind stuff or we experience it fully through our Souls. We either resist Life or we accept and embrace it fully. We are either suffering through ego's nightmare, or rejoicing in God's dream of us.  We are either imprisoned in these dungeons "me" built around us or we are free.  The choice is ours.

You can not escape from prison until you realize you are in prison. Ram Dass

Our sadhana is all about learning and growing from all of it-the ten thousand joys, as well as the ten thousand sorrows! As I wrote in yesterday's entry, both the wrist wearing the shackles and the wrist wearing the golden bangles are imprisoned.  Though at the  level of body and mind we may long to be the bracelet wearer over the shackle wearer...we must keep in mind that it is the shackle wearer that is aware of their imprisonment and is therefore closer to freedom. 

...suffering is the fire of purification....only when you are lost in your  psychology do you damn your suffering. When you are a soul yearning to be free....you use it all... to get to God.

Ram Dass

All is well!

Ram Das/ Be Her Now  ( September, 2023)Ram Dass on the Awakening of the Soul. Episode 234  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnjS8bqw81Y

 Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( September 26, 2023) Yoga-The Path to the Unconditional Energy Flow. https://tou.org/talks/

 

Honoring the Blows

 Like fire in a piece of flint, knowledge exists in the mind; suggestion is the friction which brings it out. So with all our feelings and action-our tears and our smiles, our joys and our griefs, our weeping and our laughter, our curses and our blessings, our praises and our blames-every one of these we may find, if we calmly study our own selves, to have been brought out from within ourselves by so many blows. The result is what we are. All these blows taken together are called Karma-work, action.  Every mental and physical blow that is given to the soul, by which, as it were, fire is struck from it, and by which its own power and knowledge are discovered, is Karma...

Swami Vivekananda (from the Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda, Volumes 1-9; Kindle Edition)

Karma takes us to the Soul. Life circumstances are blows that help us to unload that which keeps us from realizing Self and experiencing Life fully.  Karma is the accumulation of those blows. It is not in our lives to punish us.  It is in our lives to free us. It makes us who we are.

All is well! 

Shackles or Bangles?

 So to the true yogi, there is only one life.Yesterday you may be dressed in one way, and today you may be dressed in another.  Life, however, stays unchanged. 

Sadhguru, page 79-80 

I so want to understand karma and what is happening in my puny little version of Life. Sometimes I want to understand it because I see myself as a Yogi on a Soul and Self seeking mission.  Understanding karma, then, will help to liberate me from me, so I can help liberate the world. Other times I want to understand it because I see myself as a little self who is suffering and I want to get beyond it.  I feel, in this 'selfish' case, that understanding karma will help "me" to fix all that is broken in "me" and around "me" so it doesn't suck quite so much for this "me". Sigh.  There I am with these great leaps forward into Self and there I am with all the slipping backward into self...as the soul sits back and watches. For now...my quest to understand karma better is based on  motivation belonging to all parts of this "I am". 

Dressed in Shackles or Bangles?

I had somewhat of a vision or idea pop up in my head while I was meditating this morning. ( It was obviously not the greatest and deepest of practices...my mind was busy lol).I was thinking about  karma in terms of how it relates to self-deprecation/ the trampling down and the beating up of the little me. We are to get rid of the "me" in order to be free of karma but yet we have to be careful how we treat this "me" or we will create even more karma.  So in this vision I see two wrists...one dirty and bloody in rusty heavy shackles and one clean and perfect with beautiful golden bangles on it. 

WTFork crazy lady?

 I see certain things as I look deeply into this. It goes a little like this ( Brace yourself.  This is going to be a long one.): 

The Bloody Wrists and Rusty Shackles of the Suffering Loop

 We may be dressed in shackles if we are imprisoned by a suffering mind set. If, for whatever reason I find my 'self' surrounded constantly by hardship, poverty, illness, and mostly the past or present external conditioning  implying "my" unworthiness and my deservedness of such suffering, I may have stored or be storing huge amounts of memory. I may have stored it all under a big file that says, "Core Beliefs".  A "this is what I deserve.  I am not worthy of more",  may be my biggest core belief.  Most of these core beliefs are stored in the subconscious away from our conscious awareness. They constantly get triggered by circumstances in the outside world without us knowing why. With triggering of this belief, I may begin beating the "me" up on a regular basis ...talking down to it, leading to karmic effects. These karmic effects, in a sense, would be the unconscious seeking to fulfill a "self fulfilling prophecy".  "This is what I deserve, so this is what I will seek to get." (Even if it is unconscious compulsion...and most karma is generated by the unconscious).What I think will be 'negative' and deprecating; what I say to self will impact or reflect what I say to others; and what I 'do" for others will have a negative impact.  I may act or speak  too aggressively to compensate for my own lack of perceived power or I may be too passive, not offering others enough. This will accumulate 'negative' karma. It will affect my thinking and feeling, obviously.  Negative thoughts and low spectrum emotions lead to experiences of  anger, blame, judgment, anxiety, fear, insecurity, hopelessness, and despair. There I am chained to some dungeon wall, liking that which may make it better and disliking that which might make it worse as I look out there  for ways to ease this suffering. I find myself struggling, striving, grabbing, clinging, and pushing away. 

Obviously...this is accumulating negative karma. I am not alone in doing this am I? Many of us go through Life as I observe myself doing. That karmic effect is visible in the lives we are living. The more we think and feel like this...the more "depressed" and "fearful" and/or "angry" we become as an effect. In self-deprecation, energy is affected in an obvious way as well.  We feel low, down, depressed, stuck in mud, spinning tires ...getting nowhere...exhausted etc. This affects the physical body as well as the mind, leading to dis-ease. We will notice, then, that what is happening around us seems to be getting more and more negative. We do not have the energy to do anything about it, it seems. Life for a sick body and sick mind is not easy.  One can not work enough to maintain a stable income, for example.  That adds to the negative experience of external circumstances and then to more karmic accumulation and effect. We act out. Others react to our words and behaviours...we see that as more validation for our unworthiness...we react, in turn, with even more negativity. Relationships break down, leading to a strengthening of the belief, more isolation and more of these negative emotions...more karmic accumulation and effect. It is a vicious cycle. I often long to be the wrist with the golden bangles.

Where did the loop begin?

It is not clear where the karmic cycle of suffering begins to the untrained eye, is it?  Did it begin with the external events...the past history, the life circumstances the person was born into? Did it begin in the body...something genetic or biological? Did it begin with the behavioural choices made by the individual self or Soul even ( before incarnation)?  Did it begin with the others involved in the person's story...saying or doing the things they did? Did it begin in the five senses of the person receiving the data or the intellectual mind that interprets that data? It looks like just one big continuous loop  of perpetuating causes and effects when one looks at someone caught up in suffering.  So, though we have a choice and it is our responsibility to change our karmic trajectory, it makes it hard to understand what part of the cycle we need to work on first. We can be so entangled in it we cannot see the way out of karma and suffering. But we likely want out, if that is the case. How do we remove these rusty shackles? It is not about fixing one part of the cycle.  It is about letting go of all of it. We are told enlightenment, which involves letting go of the "me",  is the way to go. 

So why are we not all all seeking enlightenment? 

Seeing Bangles Instead of Shackles

Some days, some lives,  we are dressed in the bangles of "me" satisfaction. Not everyone tramples down the self....some revere it, at least part of the time. Though I think self-deprecation and this feeling of "not being enough" is more than prevalent in the human mind, and though I see so many people around me suffering becasue of it, I do know there are some people out there who are happily entrenched into what seems like a wonderfully fulfilling and blessed period of their life or lifetimes...where all ( or most ) of "me's" needs, wants and wishes are being met. It seems that karma is on their side, like they are not accumulating any karma as they go about focusing on "me" and satisfactorily getting what it needs. Why would anyone want to let go of that? Though the effort required  for "me" to feel good seems  less in comparison to what is required of the shackle wearing friend, the bangle wearer is still struggling and striving, grabbing, clinging, and pushing away. They are still selectively choosing what they will take in from life and what they won't. They are still serving the me. They don't want to be enlightened, to give up this happy satisfied me because they don't want things to change. They don't see themselves as imprisoned but Soul knows they are. 

The human equation was always meant to be like this: to move from being to doing to having. This means we were never meant to act in order to be fulfilled. Fulfillment was seen as an inner condition. It could not be pursued externally. ...For most people, however, this simple equation is reversed.  ...They act in order to have; they have in order to be. page 81-82

Even for the person who suffers a lot...there may be moments when things seem to work out for whatever reason...something gives somewhere along the negative cause and effect circle and some light shines in. The shackles, though they may never appear to be golden bangles, seem a little less oppressive. When that happens the person may be more inclined to believe that all their hard work of struggling, straining, reaching, clinging and pushing away...was the cause of this light coming in. They  may be more apt to keep repeating that compulsive mental, physical and energetic action which they erroneously believe was ending their suffering but  which in truth  is producing the negative karma. 

Both Imprisoned

Regardless, if we are dressed in  shackles or  bangles...the thing is both are signs of our karmic imprisonment. Both the shackle and the bangle represent the karmic loop that hold us down.  One may seem more attractive than the other but both are tethered to this idea of a "me" that  creates karma. One is a suffering "me" and one is a " material -world- satisfied -for- now -me" but both are "all about me".  Both are accumulating karma.  The only real way to be free of the karmic loop is to break the cycle...open the shackle, cut open the bangle, and let the  "me" clatter down onto the floor.  Until we are ready to raise the Self with Soul...to be who we really are beneath this idea of self we adhere to, and serve...we are not really free. 

The karmic trap is always in the choosing.  Choice is the  great human gift: freedom is the great human possibility. However, instead of choosing inclusively, most humans choose selectively. Most choose on the basis of compulsive likes and dislikes, on the basis of attraction and aversion. But when your involvement is absolute-that is, inclusive- you are not operating out of past memory. That means there is no compulsion, no consequence, no entanglement, no choice, no friend, no foe .pg 80

That might not make a lick of sense right now to anyone, including me lol but that is what came out.

All is well. 

Sadhguru ( 2021) Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny.  New York: Harmony Books