Traveller's Equilibrium

 Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

 I took a step toward the mountain that seemed so very steep.

My goal and intention  was to climb it, to sit upon its peek

so I could, upon its  craggy perch, look out and truly see

all that was real and perfect in the world, and all that was in "me".

The sky was pure and clear around me as I began the tall ascent;

 I could see where I was heading, and the purpose I was meant.

The path, however, was quite bumpy  and it seemed so very, very long.

But I, determined, took one step upon the other and promised to be strong.

Hindrance One:  Desire

And just when   my breath was heavy and the thirst burned  within my throat

I spotted a caravan along the path in a place so deceptively remote.

 Its ownwer dressed in finest silk came out to greet me and kindly sit me down

in amongst the beautiful people who gathered all around.

He offered me the finest food and drink and everything my heart desired

and I found myself so pleasured, I forgot that I was tired. 

"That road to the top  is very hard" he cried, " full of sweat and agony

stay with me instead and surround yourself in perfect luxury." 

I  wanted what he had to offer,  all the pleasure he wanted me to share

but remembering my promise politely I declined  and left with pockets bare.

Hindrance Two: Aversion

I began once  again up the mountain, intent on getting to the top

but a dark cloud filled the sky, pouring  down its fury until I had to stop.

There squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

I saw a fellow travellor cursing and crying out  at the rain.

I stopped to see what was happening , to make sure he was okay

but he just swore at me with hissing breath and  swatted me away.

Yet when I walked past he  grabbed me and pulled me to the ground

he kept me a victim in his hold and I couldn't make a sound

until he had the opportunity to pour on me all his negativity and despair. 

When he was done he spat at me and released me from his snare.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

When I walked away his dark cloud followed, hiding away the light

and my mind so full of darkness seemed to take away my fight

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on, dragging  heavy feet

along the path to nowhere ,a path I wasn't sure I would conplete.

Though I kept on moving, with every step  I was pushing through a wall

How I despareatly just wanted to lie down somewhere and curl up in a ball.

The promise I made did haunt me though and I could not give up right then

so I continued to walk  up  the twisted  path that never seemed to end.

Hindrance Four: Resltlessnes and Worry 

Suddenly  I felt my step quicken and my heart become more free 

as the heavy weight of  torpor released its debilitating  hold on me.

It wasn't long however, before other  travellors came to block my way

worry and its restless forms had a million things to say.

 They jumped back and forth like monkeys, pulling me here and there;

they  listed all the things that could go wrong and told me to beware.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind  they left me in a knot,

It took my promise and determination to fight them off with everything I got.

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands, I carried on and headed up the hill

until another traveller got my attention and played havoc with my will.

In a voice all too familiar she listed the many reasons why I would surely fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty trail.

"You are just  not good enough." she wailed. "You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just fantasy, it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me, they dropped me to my knee

and I was about to give up on the journey and my desire to truly see

until I felt the sun break through the cloud, shining faith down on my head

and I was reminded of the promise I made and what the wise teachers said.

I got back up and walked past the doubts that were noisy and unkind

and followed the trail that before me began to so gracioulsy unwind.

Finally, I reached  the top of this mountain with its glorious scenic  ledge,

there I released the pressure of promise  I held within me and put away my pledge 

I sat down on its craggy edge and looked out before my inner eyes

to see the world clearly in all its amazing beauty without the mind's disquise.

I said a prayer of gratitude for all the hindrance that tempted and taunted me

and bowed my head and thanked it all for helping to set me free. 

Dale-Lyn February, 2021

Hmmm! Reading Chapter four of Joseph Goldstein's and Jack Kornfield's classic  Seeking the Heart of Wisdom (2001,Shambala: Boulder), on the difficulties and hindrances we may encounter on our way to clarity. This mind training is described as a journey of gaining and maintaining a  "traveller's equilibrium" .  As soon as I read that  I thought of this poem that just popped out of me in February.  The poem, is far, far from perfect but it  makes a heck of a lot more sense to me now. 

I took this poem as an exercise in my poetry workshop and revised it. Anyway it applies to what I am learning now. so amazing how everything falls together, isn't it? 

Revised Version: 

Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

Only a moment ago I stood before this massive mountain,

determined to conquer its summit ,

to stamp my triumphant foot upon its peek

and look over the craggy edge 

with newly earned clarity,

I wanted to be able to finally see 

all that was perfect and real

in this world  and in me.

Even the early morning light was saluting me,

radiating support from a perfect blue sky

as I braced myself for this adventure.

I stood at the mountain base,

believing I was so prepared  to begin 

until suddenly

the path that would lead me to my destination

appeared before my untrained eyes to be 

so very, very rough and long.

My heart beat quickened. I wanted to turn around.

If it wasn’t for the invisible Sherpa

hidden within my chest whispering, “climb!”

I would not have moved forward.

The climber within, however, 

would do what it was here to do.

Sighing loudly I lifted my hiker above my reservations and

I took the first step to a better way of being. 

 

Hindrance One: Sensual Desire

I took one step then another, after that another.

I walked and walked and walked

until morning became noon.

The sun beat down upon my skin

turning it a vibrant red.

My muscles ached and the blisters on the souls of my feet bled,

still I walked and walked and walked.

Just when my breath took on the heavy quality of the exhausted

and the thirst of a dessert wanderer burned within my throat,

I spotted a caravan tucked into a remotely hidden alcove of shade.

It’s owner dressed in the finest mulberry silk,

and with heavy Gold bracelets clanking together on his wrists,

came out to greet me.

He guided me to a shady table in amongst the beautiful people

who smiled seductively at me as they gathered all around.

He filled my cup to overflowing and placed plate upon plate

of foreign delicacies in front of me until I found myself so pleasured

I forgot that I was tired.

While the drowsiness of satisfaction oozed through my limbs

he sat down beside me and smiled a perfect smile,

“The road to the top is very hard,” he warned me, “full of sacrifice and misery.

Why not stay behind and hide yourself in all the comfort and luxury I can provide?”

I so wanted to lean into his offer, to stay within his safe and shaded oasis,

to sample all the wonderful things he could provide for me

but once again that little voice inside said “climb!”

I politely put down my cup and leaving a small tip on the linen table cloth

I stood up and began the climb again.

Hindrance Two: Ill Will

Again, I walked and walked and walked,

pretending not to notice as the sky got dark above me

and the wind tugged at my hair and clothes

trying to warn me of what was to come.

I squished down the knowing and I walked.

Before long the sky opened up, pouring  down its fury.

I stopped to hide beneath the full maternal limbs of the nearest pine. 

As I stood there shivering and catching my breath

I heard the desperate voice of another cursing at the rain.

Ahead of me squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

was a fellow traveller expressing his suffering loudly

to the clouds above our head that  paid no heed.

I left my flimsy shelter and ran to his side to see if he was okay.

He just hissed at me under his breath and swatted me away

as he continued to curse at the sky.

I began to retreat to leave him alone with his misery

but he reached out his hands and grabbed my legs

knocking me down to the ground .

He lay on top of me with all his weight.

I could not move.  I could not cry.  I could not make a sound. 

He spat out his pain and dripped out his resentment,

soaking me with his wrath. 

Then when he was done he got up and

kicked dust in my face before he walked away.

Broken and bruised I lay where I was for what seemed

Like a very long time.

 “Climb!” the little voice within demanded.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

I got up then and tried to shake the heaviness of the other off

but his weight would not leave me.

The dark cloud that rained on him followed me,

hiding away any trace of  light.

My mind, so full of his darkness, 

lost its will to go on.

“Stop!" It cried, "rest, you are tired!”

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on,

dragging heavy limbs

and even heavier thoughts behind me.

I continued to trudge the path to nowhere ,

the end of which I was so sure I would never meet.

Every step required an effort I did not seem to have.

I wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere

and go to sleep forever.

The little voice, so weak but still persistent,

continued to whisper, “Climb!  Climb!  Climb!”

So I pushed past sloth and torpor and I climbed

 

Hindrance Four: Restlessness and Worry 

With head down I planted one foot  and then the other

I walked and walked and walked.

As I walked on, my determination lifted me somehow,

making each step easier

until it seemed I overcame the obstacle and

had a sense the remaining path would be clear.

As soon as I whispered, ‘thank goodness’ through my labored breath,

other travellers came from nowhere to stand in front of me.

Worry and its restless forms surrounded me and blocked me from going farther.

 The noisy, squawking journeymen jumped back and forth like monkeys,

 pulling me here and there; listing all the things that could go wrong.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind 

they tied me in a knot.

Tangled up and  frightened

I found myself once again unable to go farther

I could not seem to move.

In amongst the fear that rumbled in my belly

came the whisper once again, “Climb!”

I untangled myself from the chaotic mess

turned to Worry and monkey mind’s gang and said

“No !I will not let you stop me!”

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands,

I carried on and headed up the hill

so sure that after so much struggle

my temptations would be over.

Life had other plans.

Another traveller jumped from the bushes

before me and stood in my way. 

In a voice all too familiar Doubt painfully listed

the many reasons why I would  fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty path.

"You are just not good enough." she wailed.

"You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just New Age nonsense,

it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me;

they dropped me to my knees;

And I found myself bent over, unable to go on.

I was so sure that this time, it was it.  It was over.

I turned myself around, following Doubt’s pointing finger

for the quickest way to crawl back to the bottom.

And just when I was about to make  my retreat

the sun broke through the cloud, pouring 

the golden healing light of hope down on me.

I was reminded of my commitment and the voice within me

 once again whispered, “Climb!”

I got up for the last time,

I turned myself around and walking past Doubt 

 I followed the trail before me.

It began to so graciously unwind.

 

I walked and walked and walked.

I climbed and climbed and climbed.

Just when my body cried, “No more!”,

the finish line appeared in front of me,

illuminated in the golden red of sunset.

I had  reached  the top of this mountain 

with its glorious scenic  ledge.

 I sat down on its craggy edge 

and looked out with newly earned inner eyes

to see the world in all its amazing beauty 

more clearly than I ever did before.

I seen myself reflected in its depth

and I seen it reflected in me. 

It was all so perfect exactly as it was.

Weeping in both exhaustion and awe, 

I said a prayer of gratitude

for all the hindrances that tempted 

and taunted me along the way.

I knew then that Life was not there to punish me 

but to challenge me,

to activate the inner Sherpa within me 

so I would climb to my freedom... 

...so I could see what I was meant to see

and  be what I always was.

 

©Dale-Lyn February, 2021

All is well!

Happy Ripple

 Be the happy ripple enjoying every moment of its ripply existence- no longer demanding that things around you be permanent, that the other ripples and things out side you fulfill you.

Eckhart Tolle

Remember that though you appear to be a ripple on the surface level- that is not what you are at the  deeper level.

 

All is well

 Knots!  Knots!  Knots!

As I was writing and studying about the physical, mental and emotional forms of rsistance to pain...I remembered this poem from April 2020. I felt I should put it here.  Hmm...neither good or bad just is. 

Circling, twining, spiraling,
the strong unfrayable strands
coil around each other,
forming a ball of knotted flesh
at the center of our being.

Like a string of poplar trees
emerging  in unruly fashion
from the same root system,
miniature versions
of tangled memory,
terror, desperation and regret
 sprout up between
the fibers of unassuming  muscles.

Wrapping their misbehaving limbs
like deranged  tentacles
around the sinewy chords
of  shoulders, back and neck,
 they seem to  laugh eerily
with each movement
that brings the painful reminder
of what was and
of what may never be.

They spread out
into the  throat,
distorting voices,
making it challenging
to cry out "stop'
as they settle in jaws
clenched tight with resistance.
Like the hinges on Pandora's box,
these tired rusty joints 
hold the lid down
in fear the noisy demons
held within
will be released
and never contained again.

Knots! Knots! Knots!

The past leaves
its lingering impressions
in these fragile vessels
of body and mind
in the form of
multiplying knots.
Knots that constrain and restrict,
knots that add confusion to
what is already confused,
knots that nag and pull at us
like persistent toddlers
who demand our attention,
knots that we skip over,
knots that we stuff away,
and knots that we push down
as we reach upward and outward
away from their menacing presence
to something, anything  
that will bring numbing relief.

Oh,  but  no matter how
intoxicated we get
on the world's  many
elixirs  and distractions,
we cannot seem
to  run far enough away 
from  these knots.
Nor can we ignore the way
they painfully  damn up the vessels
Life is meant to flow so
fluidly and gracefully through.
We can not deny  how they
make us choke and cough up
the beauty and joy
that is offered us
before it ever reaches
its intended destination-  

Knots!  Knots!  Knots!

"Knots," the sages whisper
when we cry out in agony,
"can be untied."
"Just listen for the bell within you,"
they instruct with
their kindly examples.
" And stop...just stop when you
hear its sweet reminder;
stop the busy thinking,
moving and the doing.
Take a breath in,
draw that precious
healing prana
through you,
to the center of who you are.
Let it illuminate
each twisted tentacle
that clings to your idea
of  "me" and "them".

View each knot clearly
in the light of clear vision,
Observe how  the
distorted lengths  of story
and the  limbs of
judgment and assumption
have braided their way  
through your body and mind,
forming gnarled
and garbled obstacles
between you and this moment.

Regardless of how
your hand trembles,
resist your urge
to push away,
resist the need for
knowing and labelling, 
and instead
reach out to touch each knot,
just touch it gently.
Hold it in your hands,
feel its sinewy texture
with your entire being
as you  allow it to be
exactly what it is.
Just allow it, accept it.
Notice how it softens
in you as you
look upon it.
Feel the fibers release
enough for you
to decipher the truth
each filament within
the tangled mess holds.
Listen for its sweet voice
to become clear,
remember its forgotten innocence,
 and embrace every
coiled thread of Dukkha
you discover there,
with a heart wide open.

Then breathe out...
allow the breath
to fall and relax.  
Observe as it flows
like cool, refreshing  water
over and through each knot
that continues to 
untwine  and loosen
beneath its fluid presence.
Feel your mind soften
into emptiness,
your body ease into release
and allow
the fingers of judgment
to slip off your being
releasing you
from the twisted hold
your impressions 
have  had on you.
Feel the letting go
of each knot
and the opening
of your heart
as you untangle,
unwind
and wake up
to a healed mind. "

We may shake
our resistant heads
at this sagely advice
and turn our back
on this ancient wisdom.
We may continue
to give into
the knotted restriction,
contraction
and retraction
 of our existence
in the comfort zone.

Or maybe,
just maybe
we will  choose to
practice as instructed,
Maybe we will  stop,
maybe we will breathe,
maybe we will
notice and embrace
that which we have
 tried to push away
 for much too long.

Knots!  Knots!  Knots!
 
These knots hold
healing  secrets
within them
but the choice
is ours to make.
We get to choose  
whether or not
we remain ensnared in
in the twisted
net of suffering
or if we are released
by each and every knot
we bravely behold.

 

©Dale-Lyn April, 2020

Releasing the Tangled Knots

Often there is not a free flow of energy in the body, and as we direct our awareness inward, we experience, in a very clear and intimate way, the accumulated tensions, knots, and holdings that are present. page 18

I sat out to meditate this morning and my ability to do so was challenged by my mind's attention to the sounds and pictures of Life going on all around me.  I might have put a little too much sugar in my humming bird feeder this morning ...the little guys were wild today, dive bombing over my head.  The Blue Jays were busy getting the acorns out of  the Oak  trees.  There were Chickadees laughing in the distance.  The breeze was lovely through the full branches of Maple, Birch and Poplar.  The Pine trees looked like friendly and amazing giants standing over me. The grass at my feet was just humming with life...so many insects especially bees and it just filled my heart to watch them and hear them . (I was so worried about the bees at the beginning of the season...as if someone answered my prayers...they are everywhere! ) I would close my eyes but some lovely thing would asked to be observed. 

It was challenging to focus the mind and go inward but I tried.  When I did, I could feel a very familiar tightness in my core, and a pressure on the left side of my chest. I recognize this feeling as good old resistance.  I recalled what I read in the below book, my new study project, and realized  that I was resisting in all of the three ways discussed...with self pity, fear and most of all apathy. Though I didn't allow myself to get dragged along by story...I could see  what Life events were/are triggering this resistance...and how I respond to each.  The feelings of confusion,  loss, and self deprecation I experience in this  present living situation has been resisted with apathy.  Upon realizing I settled into a situation that was not healthy for me in my present stage of development, I turned down the "care" meter to the point I shut off feeling. I was coping with "apathy"...I was not dealing with the situation with a spiritual selflessness brought on by a sincere desire to do the "right" thing.  I was just resisting feeling pain  with apathy and indifference especially towards myself. Yuck!

As I sat with that realization   I could feel a movement of energy from my belly to my chest, then to the area behind the back of my eyes. So much sadness wanted to come out but the energy is still a little tangled up...I have some more disentangling to do. 

It was interesting to note, though, how this feeling...this sensation of tightness in my gut always feels like a solid mass, the core beliefs that trigger this feeling also feel like solid masses inside me.  The pressure in my chest also feels solid,  like someone's hand pushing down on my chest and occassionally squeezing it.  My mind registers teh sensations  as solid. And as solid it has this sense of permanence and power over me. Thus the resistance of the resistance.

Something amazing happens when we realize that none of it is solid...it is just a sensation brought on by the body in response to a pain. The sensation...the physical, emotional and mental is not a solid mass of anything.  It is just energy that my mind perecieves as "tangled knots" but even that perception is just energy. The knot, which is just an illusion, can be dissolved ...the tangle, which is just a creation of the mind and not what is really happening, can be untangled. And that energy that wants to flow through these eyes can be released so it flows freely.  This can happen just by looking deeply enough inward. Yoga, of course, can help too.

Hmmm! Isn't that amazing? 

Often, when we resist painful feelings, we have this idea that there is some solid mass of pain  in a part of  the body.  When we allow ourselves to feel the sensations that are there, when we go into them, then we begin to see that pain is not a solid mass but a field of vbration, characterized perhaps by tightness, burning , or pressure. But what we  see clearly is that there is nothing solid. We begin to experience this for ourselves and dissolve the illusion of solidity. As this happens in our practice,  it begins the process of untying the energy blocks and knots in our system. We begin to allow for a freer flow of energy which is very healing. page 22

All is well

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield (2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Boulder

Let It Fall

Because I Love This Life
by Rabindranath Tagore
(1861-1941)

“When I was born and saw the light
I was no stranger in this world
Something inscrutable, shapeless, and without words
Appeared in the form of my mother.

So when I die, the same unknown will appear again
As ever known to me,
And because I love this life
I will love death as well.”

https://www.spirare.name/because-i-love-this-life-by-rabindranath-tagore/ 

Hmm! I finished reading and then studying Life After Death by Deepak Chopra. It was a great book: deep, hard to read at times, honest and very real. I can honestly say that it helped me to understand and get past my fear of death.  And since the fear of death is the mother of all fears...I would strongly recommend this book to all fearful humans, which would be pretty well all of us, wouldn't it? 

Loving death will help us to love Life.  Just remember that there is a part of you benath all the conditioning, stories and images you created that is no stranger to Life and no stranger to death. This something is inscrutable, shapeless and without words.  The "unknown" is really the "known." 

Accept and appreciate the  reality of the impermanence of the body, the permanence of consciousness. Love your Life.

The body is like a cloak.  For the enlightened, dying is like letting the cloak fall to the floor. For the unenlightened, it is like ripping off a cloak that is sewn on. 

All is well in my world.  

Deepak Chopra (2006) Life After Death. Three Rivers Press: New York.

Dreams: Reading the Letter

 

A Dream which  is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read

-The Talmud

I had a dream last night that I was drowning in mud. 

I was walking along looking for my little dog that scampered off...it was a bit dark and I tripped on something which cause me to fall backward.  As I was falling backward in my dream I heard myself saying, "Of course! This would only happen to me!" And when I realized it was mud not snow I fell in, I heard myself saying, "Yep!  And it would have to be mud!" I had this bad things are going to happen to me thing going on in my dream. As I sat awkwardly in that mud, more than a bit peeved off for getting my clothes all dirty,  I began to see how it was sucking me down. I was sinking into it.  I felt fear. "Oh my goodness this is a bog with sink holes.  Is this the way I am going to go...to be swallowed whole by mud? There are bodies underneath me too.  I will be like them...and people will never know what happened to me.  They will think I disappeared without saying good bye. I need to get to my children, And I have not finished my writing projects. I am not ready to go yet!  I want to get back up. How am I going to get back up.  This pulling down feeling is so strong! I know I can't struggle and panic here...it will only make it worse. I must relax and slowly climb my way out. " And that is what I did.  I was so relieved to get out but knew I had to go to the authorities to tell them about the bodies in that hole and to tell them to do something about it so no one else fell in! 

Hmmm! I love dream analysis..and when I  look at this dream I see so much in it.  

Trying to Recover a Being Who Does Not Belong to Me

There I am up in the middle of the night looking to take care of a being that technically does not belong to me ( D. brought the dogs into my home after his house was burnt down and then he brought his son). In my attempt to "recover" this being, I slipped ( made mistakes, wasn't perfect, made sloppy choices) and fell off that path (away from the direction I was going which I believe was my healing path, my Self-realization path and my spiritual path which  meant  that I was to be non-judgemental, selfless, compassionate and giving no matter what). 

Falling 

I think the fact  that I "fell" into this is significant...Thought I was doing the right thing in searching for what was lost. I was not expecting to stumble ...I took an awkward step off my healing path ( my slip) and it resulted in a whole mess I was not expecting as part of the deal???  ...I fell ...and as I was falling I could see me falling.  That represents that I knew that making choices that put others needs above my own would result in a fall of some kind but because it was a "spiritual" thing to do I was expecting a softer, purer landing ( a spiritual reward). The fact that I landed in mud rather than snow took me by surprise...wasn't expecting to fall into something so dark and negative, so dirty both on the outside and the inside of me. 

Landing in Mud Rather than Snow

In the dream I was expecting the  soft, clean landing of snow...not the messy mud landing ( which is symbolic, I suppose, of the negative experiences I encountered when I stumbled off my path, that would, in a sense end up soiling and harming my body and mind to some degree( the clothes). The mud respresents impurity, a lack of clarity, a lack of innocence ( there was a great deal of residual energy from  violent circumstances and experiences that entered my home when a recovering person did, as well as a lack of hygiene) but more than anything it represents a very dark and sticky negative energy that came from outside of me as well as inside of me ( in my reaction...I judged, was resistant, angry, resentful, afraid). I fell off my spiritual path and landed in all that negative energy. It is my mind's way of saying , maybe, there is nothing spiritual about this experience

Pulling "Me" Down

It is so clear to me as I look at this dream. This muddy energy is pulling me down into a deep dark hole.  It started just as an angry feeling ( being peeved off) and then it became so much more. I am literally getting depressed as I feel increasingly powerless in my own home and in my Life. This energy which comes from both my external circumstances...being surrounded by "other" energy that does not see, respect or consider "my"  needs and from my  inner world... the fact that I do not consider my own needs enough... is pulling me down.  It will drown me if I don't get out of it. "Little Me" has lost so much already (Only my eye balls are above the mud)  and in spiritual terms that is okay...right?   This dream is showing me, however,  that like there is a force outside of me in this dream pulling me down (the sink hole),  my external circumstances and the muddy energy around me has power over my psyche.  

Bodies Underneath Me

In my dreams these bodies that were under me were female, I believe.  One woman in particular is beneath me in the dream but I dare not go there. I guess, it is symbolic maybe of the female propensity for taking on the martyr's and selfless care giver roles.  Many women  have given up all they were to do so. 

Not Ready to Go Yet

I was almost accepting of my plight when I first thought I was drowning.  I was not afraid to die, just didn't like the way I was going to die.  Self  is not going to be able to do what it is  here to do through "little me" if I am swallowed whole.Then I thought of the things I had left to do...tie up lose ends with the children, say my good byes, and finish my darn book and other writing projects. I guess the dream was reminding me that Self had a purpose to fulfil  through me ...maybe to finish my book and tie up loose ends. 

Don't Resist

Once I decided I wanted to get out of the mess I knew that I couldn't panic or resist.  It would only make it worse. All my lessons are paying off...I am getting that lol. I need to recognize,  accept and allow this experience of overwhelmn, depression, helplessness before I do anything.  Then I relax in it and stay calm. That is the  only way out.  

Getting Out of the Mud

I was so relieved in the dream when I got out. I made changes in my circumstances.  I didn't give in to the energy that ws pulling me down.  Though I did surrender to what is initially...I noticed I was sinking in mud, I didn't resist, I allowed it,  looked at it deeply and relaxed into it...but then I found the courage  and grace to step out of this situation. I got out of teh mud that was pulling me down. I stepped back onto the Path that will take me to where I want to go.  

Going to the Authorities?

In my dream I wanted to save those women who were lost in the mud...at least give them back a name. I also wanted to prevent someone else from getting lost  like they did and like I nearly did.  I see that snippet is telling me to teach and share what I have learned from Life. 

After this dream,  I definitely believe some change is required.

All is well! 

In, But Not Of

 Be in this world but not of it.

Wow! When a lot of challenges hit me at once I find myself very much in this world...lost in it almost and I forget that I am not of this world. I catch myself running off, pull myself back. I meditate with a hope to remind myself that I am the awareness of all this stuff going down around me ( this clump of flesh)  and through me ( body and mind) and not it...I want the reminder that though I may be in this busy world of form...I am not of it...that who I really am  comes from a place of stillness, quiet, spaciousness, a place I can go back to at any time.  Mind, however, as busy as it is, still reacts to the things going on around me and it is so convincing in its reasons why I should follow it and believe it, I often do.  I often  get lost in the stories it tells me. Sigh! 

I know I need to be in this world.  We are all  here for a reason.  We have these physical bodies and these active minds for a reason. Luckily I have evolved enough to know that I am not this body and mind...that they are just tools to help me navigate while I am here. That I am a Something coming from  a place the mind and body cannot understand at the conceptual and physical level. Still it is hard to balance the being in and the not of. ...balance the physical with the non -physical. 

I think I have always known in some strange way that I had one foot in both worlds...jumping back and forth like a runner warming up on the spot. It is hard to plant both heels down when you expect the gun to go off at any minute...even though that is exactly what a runner has to do before the race begins.

Anyway, it is all good. We will figure it out.

All is well in my world. 

Savitri's Promise

 Savitri's Promise

Shall I dance for you Yama, 

to show you that I care? 

Shall I sing out my loving praise for you 

into the quiet air?

Shall I lay my head upon your lap, 

and faithfully close my eyes,

 hum to the rhthym of your heart,

and give in to your lullabye? 

Shall I follow you in my dreams, Yama, 

through  the darkest night,

surrendering all my hopes and wishes, 

my pride , my fear 

my  fight? 

Shall I clear  a sacred spot for you

in your rightful place

and open up my heart and soul

folding you in my embrace?

I promise I will do all this 

for you Yama,

if for me,

 you do one task:

Add one more moment to eternity,

is the only thing I ask. 

I promise I will not cringe 

when you touch me

or crumble 

when you talk

if you would only 

add one more minute  

to the universal clock. 

I will willingly be yours, oh Yama 

if this could only be.

I will love you like I do my life,

and I will set your  demons free.

I will be your devoted student Yama

and will seek to show you how

I have  learned 

a mere second in your life time,

is a lifetime in my now. 

© Dale-Lyn, August, 2021

Okay...I know... more than a little rough lol. It was conceived while I was reading the Chapter , The Dream Continues from Deepak Chopra's Life After Death. Throughout the book he refers to the Saga of Savitri and Satyavan...a famous Indian fable.  Though his version differs somewhat from the ones I read...it is all about a woman confronting and outwitting death (Yama) in order to keep her husband alive.  

I love the learning Deepak Chopra shares from his understanding of his version of the story , She actually did love him [Death/Yama]as one loves the wholeness of Life rather than one aspect alone. (170) Read that line as I was rereading this chapter and taking notes ( Okay...with books like this ...I read and underline things that stick out to me and then I go back and study what is being taught like I am a student studying for a mid term lol...I don't know why other than I truly want to learn from any resource I can get my hands on, especially if it has something to do with learning about what it means to be human and what it means to be "more than human". I digress) ...The next thing I knew I was jotting down Savitri's Promise and the poem came out...It came out in five minutes and it came out rhyming ...sigh! Little to do with "me."

All is well!

Deepak Chopra ( 2006) Life After Death. Three Rivers Press: New York

The Ancient Tale of Savitri http://schools.yrdsb.ca/markville.ss/history/religion/hinstory3.html

Projecting and Getting Lost in a Dream

 

We spend our whole lives projecting a dream, stepping into it and believing the dream is real.

I don't know what to write about today.  I want to share some great lesson that doesn't involve a long ramble about "me". I do not want to pour my silly stories all over this page yet there are so many they consume me.  It is like my mind is trying to narrate 100 stories at once in order to "explain"  what is going on around me and in me. Try listening to 100 stories at the same time and then try talking about something else that is not related to any of those narrations. It is challenging.

I am a little caught up in the "happenings", the "events" of my life. Up most of the night last night. I didn't get to bed until well after midnight...texting back and forth with family in an attempt to make arrangements for a family member  who recently  found himself homeless. My daughter called at 2 am and told me she was having "those pains" again...the same type of pains she had when she lost her first baby. As we talked they subsided and she hadn't had them since but I could not fall back to sleep easily.  Then I went out to the kitchen to see another suffering loved one awake and unable to sleep because of what he is going through. I could do nothing to console him...only worry. ...as useless and as pointless as I know worry is. I went back to bed. 

I lay in bed listening to the story being told, "Bad things are just going to keep happening to you and your loved ones. Look at this, that, and the  other thing you had to deal with in less than four days.  Look at all the things you had to deal with for the last two decades. How many people do you know have to deal with things like this all at once? You are cursed my dear."  The story of my cursed life is so convincing at times, I actually believe it, especially in those wee hours of the night. At those times,  I see myself a marked target for Life's happenings. 

I get up in the morning and begin my practice again of observing and taming the mind. I see what I am thinking, feeling and believing and look deeply into it. I remind myself : Things are not happening to me. Life isn't picking on me. Life is just happening.  It isn't happening the way it is happening  to punish me...."me" isn't even really a thing.  "I am"  just  one of those happenings of Life. Just relax into it my dear, and let it be. 

Sigh! That is what I want to bring to you...our ability as human beings to not give into the story as if it were real.  It is only fiction.  What is real is the being, the essence, the presence   watching the  story go down. We are the observer/ seer/dreamer as well as the process of Life/the dream itself/ and we are also that what we see/observe or dream about. Hmm! 

I do believe that but I also wonder if by  getting lost in the "negative" and then unintentionally putting all this negative out there that I am creating  more negative to deal with? Yuck...I don't want to leave you with that lol. 

See yourself as the one who is doing all three, and suddenly the world of angels becomes as real as this world of solid things.

Deepak Chopra from Life After Death, Chapter 11

The Natural Flow of Happenings

 Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them-that only causes sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things naturally flow forward in whatever way they like.   

Lao Tzu

I have been writing everyday. Sometimes I publish what I write and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes it it is just too "me-me". It is not my intention to personally vent here but I truly study what my mind is doing, what my body is doing in response to what my mind is doing.  I study my perceptions, emotions, behaviours.  I watch and learn. If I do learn something valuable from this watching that I think others may benefit from ...I share it. I also write here to help me understand what is going on in my mind in relation to what I am learning.  If I am "troubled" by what I am experiencing I need to write, to release it somehow, to get it all down.  If it is pretty stuck in there it may require a lot of writing before it is out of me...before I can look deeply at it and understand it. This energy  is determined, however, to come out.  That means I may have several entries that seem like rants and raves on the same topic...resistance, for example. I will write about resistance related to a certain life situation  until my knot of resistance is released. Hmm!

Happenings

So yesterday I did write here about some other issues I found myself dealing with over the weekend.  Issues that were "crisis-like" in nature.  Crisis, I discovered, in the process of dealing with three certain things (things I wrote about yesterday but took down), offers an escape from the pile of rubble I often feel I am buried under in terms of the life circumstances I am dealing with.  When a crisis hits, which to me is something where someone's life or livlihood is at stake, or someone is about to lose something truely valuable ( ie. health or a loved one), it pulls me out of this smothery feeling I get. The adrenaline kicks in and my focus becomes so keenly directed  onto  this one thing. Well...this weekend there were three things...but three things are still easier to deal with than 100 :). Crisis is a distraction for me. Because my life has had so much  crisis in it , I can  see me developing a crisis addiction, if I have not already.  I noticed this tendency and response in me over the weekend as these things came at me(they didn't really come at me at all...they just happened...but it seemed they were coming at me, pulling me out of the place where I was buried under so many chronic and unresolved issues. ) It was almost freeing to be released from that which I felt so stuck under. I focused on the "happenings" 

Anyway, all things pittered down and deflated when the "crisis" component was removed. They then fell   onto this pile of unresolved issues and I seemed to be sucked right back down underneath this pile which is now bigger than it was before.  Sigh! I still need to deal with these things but they are no longer stamped with a"stat". 

We Got it Wrong!

I bring this up now because I listened to an Alan Watts lecture today on the Tao understanding of the happenings in Life.  Watts mentioned how the typical western world thought is based on two illusions when it comes to Life happenings.

1. We tend to think, as I still do at times, that things are happening to us.  When those crisis' were brought to my attention over the weekend, I automatically assumed that they were happening to "me". I heard myself saying, "Oh My God! I can't handle this now.  What am I going to do about it?  Why does everything land on me at once?"  These things , though they impacted my Life and forced me to respond by making decisons and taking action, had little to do with "me".  They were not  personal, even though they felt personal. They were just things that were happening. All things just happen.  We, ourselves, are happenings.  There is not a "me"...and things that are happening to that "me" .  Life isn't that personal. 
2. We also tend to think that what happens now is a consequence of some past happening, a cause and effect thing. Watt tells us that that is just an illusion, according to Tao teachings, the past is a product of the now, just a wake in the boat of the mind, a memory we create now.  It has little to do with the flow of Life and what happenings it brings our way.

The Tao, the Way, is a spontaneous flow of happenings that  seem to lack order but that is  from disorderly.  There is a pattern here as this flow of Life expresses itself through nature and through us...in happenings. Instead of resisting and fighting this powerful but gentle flow, we just need to lay down in it and let it carry us to where we all need to go...a greater depth, a greater understanding that can only be found in stillness and passivity. ...not in getting caught up in happenings.

Hmm! Something to think about.

Alan Watts. Stop Thinking About Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_ySgRjuUwI

All is well!

Skill or Chance?

The Game of Life requires a delicate balance of order and chaos; ...a subtle combination of skill and chance.

Alan Watts 

I think I am in the chaos portion of my game?

As soon as I seem to be focusing  on one thing in my life that has  the potential to overwhelm me...that which I wrote about recently ...the sky opens up and pours down on this little clump of flesh and  its  weary mind .  I am reminded of the suffering of others.  Suffering that leads to or stems from choices used to avoid the pain these loved ones are feeling.  I see the consequences of such choices and try to step in so they do not lose more than they already lost, so I don't lose more than I already lost in the form of precious time with precious beings. I discovered , in the last two days, that I have a loved one who is now homeless because of choices and circumstances. They didn't reach out until today. That will be rectified immediately as much as we are able...but man...how did it get to this?  I have a loved one who is  literally a breath away from overdose and who was unreachable, not responding to texts or calls for the last three days. I finally got a text but I spent most of  today wondering if this person was still alive?  

 And I have a loved one who is fulfilling someone else's prophecy for him by screwing up in the way these others have convinced him he will screw up.  I step in ( will definitely not make a habit of stepping in when someone screws up...I believe we need to be responsible and held accountable for our choices!) only to see how judgement and assumption has made these others so uncomfortable with my stepping in.  They have convinced themselves that I too am not capable of caring for this precious being...that only they are qualified and must supervise me to some degree in this role. A line was drawn in the sand ...that says "We are over here...you and yours are over there.  This little one belongs on this side of the line  with us because we are more qualified and more deserving.   But because we are so good and kind and giving...we will allow you to spend time with her even though we do not think you're capable. Of course,  you can only do it in the conditions we can supervise in some way. "   

The last thing in the world we, on this side of the line,  wanted was for that precious little being to become some tug-a-war rope.  So we have not been pulling on this side. Maybe we should have pulled...just a bit.

All we want  is respect for our legal rights...the right to spend a limited and clearly defined amount of time with this being without others breathing down our backs, our right to bring her here, our right to take part in the decision making.  We have our own gifts to offer her, things to teach her and  share with her ...to add to her history. 

 This will benfit her as well.  She loves and needs us too! When they, those on the other side of the line,  declare exclusive "ownership"  of her, they are not only hurting us, they are depriving her as well. 

Anyway, I was dealing with that all weekend but I did eventually  get to spend some time with her ...unsupervised ...with just a few silly check in texts to remind me in  a twisted way to watch her.

Though it hurts to be treated so by friends...I push that out of the way for now so I can deal with the critical things. 

A crisis: someone losing a place to stay, possibly theirr life or their rights to their loved ones is a crisis and a crisis trumps all the chronic unresolved issues I often feel I am buried under, like this tug a war we do not want to play. A crisis...though definitely challenging ... is like a "get out of jail free" card .  It helps to pull me up and away from all this other stuff  while the adrenaline is pumping and the focus is keen and sharp on one thing. It is a bit of a reprieveI guess...that is until it fizzles out and lands on the top of that pile adding to the rubble I have to get to some day. Sigh!

It is all good though.  It may seem so disordely and so chaotic but it really isn't.  It is just Life doing what Life does.I have mastered the skills and can balance myself as she blows this way and as she blows that way. 

All is well!

Sharing Our Stories

 

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya  Anegelou 

I know I have really been letting my version of  truth out all over this page...sharing what others would tell me I should never share so openly. Yet, it just feels so natural to do so here.  Why is that? I come to this page, any page, and truth almost demands to come out.  I like truth and I value honest expression.  

I also do not want to "hurt" anyone.  I weigh my need to express truth with any potential damage it may cause. I am okay if it points a bit at ego, (mine or someone else's) waking up the Something underneath...as long as it is not done to strengthen an ego, especially mine! 

I have spoken to the people involved  about my concerns...I was gentle and kind but honest, as I have in the past.  (That..never really led to change) . Other times, I was not so gentle or kind in my truth letting...and that was not affective in creating change either. Sometimes, others just do not hear our truth when we speak it because their egos won't let them.  It is hard to talk through an ego especially if it is dense with pain, desire or need. We can easily become quite frustrated with our inability to "get through" so we shut down talking directly to those who need to hear. When we shut down this communication, the energy that surrounds the need to communicate, doesn't go away. It can build up inside us in a sense of defeat and hopelessness, confusion, frustration, self deprecating self talk etc. (That is the situation I have been in and it is churning a hole through my gut.) We can continue to deny that need to communicate or we can find another means to do so. Honoring that need, I chose to  come here.  

An Open Book

My life is an open book because it is just a story...a collection of past experiences, relationships, choices, actions, consequences and external events that led me to this moment. This version of "my" Life is just a way that "Life" is being blown through this little clump of flesh and mind that I call "me". I made a story out of it by putting all the pieces together in some mental narrative.  Why not share it like any author would do when they published? Especially if it can help others to see the insignificance of their own stories? Why not look deeply into the mind and the stories it creates, come to understand the egos disquised as characters that we focus on...why not share its "insignificance" in every way except its ability to open up our eyes to what is really important? Why would I treat my life story  like it was some precious secret that needed protection?  Protection from what? Other stories, other minds are writing?

As long as ego is not gaining anything from it and no other beings get hurt...(Egos may get bruised...ultimately the truth only stings the fragile ego)...I will share what I learn from my story.

It is all good! 

It is important that we share our experiences with other people.Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story. 

Iyanla Vanzant