I Wish

Oops!  Tried to edit and revise this...maybe it wasn't meant to be...cuz I kind of made a mess lol


I Wish

I wish I could have sat with you that afternoon,

pulled a chair up close enough to you,

leaned  my open being towards you

 as the pain resurfaced

and the knots of hope that kept you going

 

unravelled.

I wish I could have been there.

 

I wish I would have been able to place,

even an awkward hand

on your knee as it bounced up and down

while  the  persistent and compelling thought

vibrated through you,

so you could feel the connection

 

of form against form

and know that your body’s borders

and your broken heart could never

 truly separate  you from others.

I wish I could have showed you

 

that you were not alone.

 

I wish I could have showed up

at the right time,

with my judgements, my ideas,

my need to hide



 behind layers of useless advice

and delusions of wisdom

tucked away somewhere,

 so I could   be for you,

someone who simply listened. 

I wish I could have offered

my   listening presence.



  I wish I could have

made you feel safe enough   

to release the
 gnawing pain you were stuffing

so deeply and ferociously inside

like some brave  but broken Sergeant

on the battle field,

trying to keep your charges  and yourself

from knowing just how afraid you really were.

I wish I could have let you know you

did not have to sacrifice yourself for peace.

 

 

I wish that I could have sat with you

in the perfection of warm and spacious  silence

allowing it to wrap itself around us and go through us,

so  you could  purge yourself

of the suffering that was eating at every cell of your being,

as it tricked you into believing

 there was no escaping from it.

I wish I could have offered  you,

a better way out.

I wish I could have nodded my head

in front of you while you spoke

so you would know that I was earnestly ,

with my eyes and my ears,

and my heart and my soul,

there to pick up the pieces of you that spilled out

all around us in the   verbal flood  of confusion,

give them back to you and

watch as you put them back into

their respective places.

I wish I could have showed you that someone cared.


 

I wish I could have rocked back and forth  

with you that afternoon,

holding your pain and your being

in my heart,

 as if it were my only child,

long enough  for you to catch your breath

and  hear what was being said

 through my own flawed and wordless articulation.

I wish I could have made you hear

what the silence had to say.

 

I wish I could have made you see,

without opening my mouth to offer

verbal trinkets and long winded explanations

about the preciousness of Life,

 
how sweet and musical  that breath  you were thinking of ending was,

how beautiful and magical that heart beat you were thinking of stopping was,

how lovely and welcoming this world you were thinking of leaving was,

how forgiving and transformative that suffering you were determined to end was,

and how perfect and divine  this being you couldn't see within you was.

I wish I could have made you see

how amazing your  Life could be.

 

I wish, I was there  in that moment

when that other  thought became so loud

 

and so demanding,

 

it was all you could hear,

all you could feel,

all you could see.

I wish I was there to  remove

 

your  trembling hand

from the object you

clung so ambivalently to,

to hold it in my own

until the thought stepped back,

until the darkness opened up a crack

to allow a soft ray of light through

 
and until the  suffocating heaviness diminished,

just enough

to make you

 

 willing to breathe another breath,

and live another day.

I wish that I was there then

 

so you could be here now.

 

 

 

©  Dale-Lyn (pen), June 2020

 

 

 

 

Prioritizing Mental Health/Mind Healing

Yes it is important to inspire the next generation, but let's not forget to inspire the now generation too.
Onyi Anyado


An Evolutionary Process?

My daughter is so wise.  Her suffering, somehow, makes her wiser. She said to me, when I asked why so many within her age group were suffering, "Its just evolution Mom.  Change is painful and the world has gotta change." How's that for an answer.

The generation we gave birth to is a wise one!

These kids are waking up.  They are waking up from generations of conditioning that has been drilled into their heads and absorbed by their cells. They are now at a crossroads of unlearning that which they were taught. It is a scary and confusing place to be. They got to this point, I suppose, by watching us.

What They Learned By Watching Us

They watched us, the generation that physically birthed them, doing what we were taught to do from the generations that birthed us. They watched us do many great and wonderful things. They also, unfortunately, watched us worship the almighty dollar, define and strive for an idea of "success and happiness" which meant conquering the external world and anyone or anything that got in our way.

 They watched us place "a good work ethic" at the top of the favorable characteristics to have list as we  rewarded them for having one, punished them for not.  They watched us work our 12 hour workdays for the pursuit of a "better tomorrow." 

They watched us put off this elusive happiness for something that might happen in the future, while we stomped blindly and destructively over each precious moment we had to get there.

They watched us, as we accepted and taught, that it was normal to be anxious, depressed, unhappy, exhausted, worried, fearful and stressed to the core. That we should just "suck it up" and grin and bear it...the more we could "endure" of this, the better and stronger we would be in the long run.

They watched us laugh and sweep away any idea that there may be more than what can be seen and felt with the five senses.  They watched us use science and a "rational" mind to create faithlessness, in anything but  materialism and random uncertainty as we lived with "skeptical doubt" in the goodness of Life.

They watched us prioritizing safety over exploration and expansion . We wonder why they seek the comfort zone so often and we know in our deepest core that is because we have so beautifully built comfort zones around them.

They watched us chanting our silly mantras, "Keep moving!" "The busier the better." ""Just do it" as we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, going nowhere in particular. They watched us prioritise productivity over well being as we denied, dismissed, pushed away, drank or ate away,  or numbed from any emotions that were painful, encouraging them to do the same.

They watched us destroy this planet to appease our materialistic needs and they see so clearly the damage we have done. 

And they see that through all of this "effort" ...how "unhappy" most of us still are despite all our hard work , despite how much we may own or be able to buy for them.  They see that the people they turn to for mentorship and guidance still do not know how to live or to just be. They see that the way we are doing things now is not going to work much longer.  They see that the  human race, as well s the planet,  is in trouble. 



The Burden of Change

 No wonder why there seems to be such a collective sense of hopelessness and fear amongst the 20 something population. The deep resounding vibration of, "The world has gotta change," has been dumped on their shoulders to carry. And as we continue to do what we have been doing, they can no longer follow; they can no longer trust that ego force that keeps us moving in this direction. They see that our ways are not only unhealthy but also destructive. Yet, most of us have our heads stuck so far into habitual patterns, we do not see it...therefore we are not only unable to help relieve the loads they carry but we add to them.

We all have to Wake Up!

If we want to help our youth.  We all have to wake up .  We have to take a good look at how we are living, how we are pursuing this idea of happiness, how we are denying what is. We have to examine our mental formations, have a good look at the mind and choose to learn to  use it skillfully rather than just being pulled along by a collective mind, as we are now.  We have to recognize, accept and transform our own suffering so we can help them transform theirs. We have to prioritize instead of stigmatize the need for better mental health for all of us. 

Life is an inside game. Mind healing  has to be a priority. Our problems begin in the mind and  can only be solved in the mind. We need to learn and teach that. Let's teach our kids how to find peace, joy, Love through their recognizing, allowing, embracing and looking deeply into  suffering.

Let's discover that for ourselves first. If we cannot wake up, how are we going to help them wake up? We need to wake up for them!

All is well.

Listening with Karuna

We will sit and listen without any prejudice. We will sit and listen without judging or reacting.  We will sit and listen in order to understand.  We will sit and listen so attentively that we will be able to hear what's being said and also what is being left unsaid. We know that just by listening deeply, we already alleviate much pain and suffering in the other person.
Thich Nhat Hanh; peace is every breath; 104

My heart is heavy.  I wrote yesterday (as I have many times before)  about  things and circumstances I really want in my life that I believe ( without knowing anything for sure) will bring my living to a state  of peace and fulfillment.  Amongst the things I want to be "doing" , if I am to "do" anything, is  to create a service or be a service for our youth, especially in the area of addiction and mental health.  I see such "need" there, such suffering.  That suffering has been touching my life experience directly.

Yesterday...after writing that... I was reminded with one situation after another...boom...boom...boom...how big this need is, how much our young adults are suffering.

I had two of my daughters outwardly expressing their suffering and a sense of helplessness that it will never  go away. That broke my heart.  I couldn't "fix" it for them!  Then I had another loved one show up higher than a kite after a few months of some degree of sobriety, and breaching parole. I was made aware that his actions once again were putting him and others at risk. Then, I was told some very sad news about my daughter's friend who apparently took his own life in a very violent way yesterday. My heart got so heavy so fast. It felt like it would either shrivel up or explode.

Staying Open

I want to stay positive.  I do not want to allow fear, anger, disappointment and a sense of helplessness to close me down.  I want to stay open to all Life puts in front of me...so I can give my best...and if my mind is  responsible for what Life puts in front of me,  I want to ensure even more that it is used very skillfully! I want to approach the suffering of others skillfully.

How Do We Approach and Help Transform the Suffering of Others?

 What do we do, then,  when it comes to handling the suffering of others?  I know now that we do not turn away from it, ignore it, deny it, repress it ( no matter how heavy it feels in our hearts).  That is not the answer.  Compassion is!  Compassion or "Karuna", according to Buddhist teachings, is the capacity to understand the suffering in another and to help to transform it. We must recognize it, allow it into our hearts, embrace it there...embrace the suffering of the other as well as our own and then we look at it deeply. 

Step One: Seek to  Understand.

At this point I do not understand why this population of younger individuals is suffering so much.  I can speculate.  I can say that the electronic age has reduced personalization to a screen that requires a certain degree of competition and comparison in order to feel worthy. The things they are comparing to are unrealistic portrayals that they cannot attain or maintain,  leading to a chronic state of unworthiness.  And on top of that they are lonely for direct contact!

I can say that our youth are becoming label dependent and are seeking and therefore succumbing to the diagnosis'/conceptual realities of various mental disorders that we would have passed off in our day as something you just needed to get through, "anxiety", "depression", " addiction", "eating disorders".

I can say that kids are not given the opportunity to learn how to deal with intense emotions. They are overwhelmed by them and see them as something to avoid at all costs.  We live in a "numbing" age, a "keep busy and don't sit still with your Self" age, and a "look away from real life into your screen" age....not a "this is suffering, a normal part of the human experience,  and this is how you deal with it" age.

I also think that our youth are actually waking up a lot faster than we are.  They are realizing that "This , what we are doing, is not the way to go!"  and that is unsettling , confusing and fear producing. They look to us for guidance and so few of us are awake enough to assist them in the transition. They are often lost!

Of course, I do not know for sure why our youth are suffering so.  I just know they are.  The only way to truly understand is to listen deeply, offering our space and presence for them to do that.  Are we, as their elders and mentors, offering that?

So we need to understand why they are suffering before we can begin to help them transform that suffering. We cannot, however, get lost in it.

Step Two: Stay Out of the Hole

When I speak  of helping others who are emotionally suffering, I always use the analogy of someone who fell down into this deep hole.  If you want to help you do not jump into the hole with that person...If you do, both of you will be stuck there.  The best thing is be where you are and help from there.  Of course when people are in pain, they want you in the hole with them, just for company.  They may use whatever they have in their unhealthy tool box to pull you down with them. And it is also  easy to become so overwhelmed with how the suffering of others impacts your little sense of "self" that you can find yourself in a hole as well.  It is so important , however, to stay out of the hole! Keep space between Self and suffering and be aware of that space.  Observe it from a calm, spacious distance.


Step Three: Listen Deeply

As I sat across from one of my daughter's yesterday who suffers greatly with a diagnosed Borderline Disorder, I found myself watching and asking from (and to) a deeper place, "What do I do with this?"  How can I best help her?"  In that moment, I knew that it was best to just be there...to be present and open and spacious...to listen.  I cannot say I was a perfect listener, because I wasn't, but I can say when "I" stop getting in the  way...I can be pretty effective in this role.

As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches deep listening is a selfless, patient act.
...when we offer someone our practice of deep listening. we do it with the sole aim of helping them empty their heart and release their pain.  When we can stay focused on that aim, we can continue to listen deeply, even when the person's speech may contain a lot of wrong perceptions, bitterness, sarcasm, judgment and accusation .

It isn't always easy but when we listen from the higher Self, putting our own noisy little egos away, when we put away our judgments and our "I told you so's", we can offer something precious that will help transform suffering. We as the older population, the mentors of our  youth need to be willing to listen. We can affect so much change by simply offering our youth an hour of our undivided attention.  Are we able to do that?  Am I?

Step Four:  Check in with Self

When we have recognized and allowed the suffering of this often troubled age group into our hearts; when we embrace their suffering and look deeply into it through our listening and presence...we can then take that back into  Self .  We do not let ego or drama  step in and tell us how to handle the situations we encounter.  We allow Self to tell us how to proceed.  Maybe we will be guided or inspired to do something specific like set up a sober house, a support group, to volunteer for a crisis line , to donate.  Or maybe we will simply be guided to talk openly about the issues, to listen more and be there more.  Maybe we can actually learn from our youth about our own need to wake up.

We do need, before we offer true compassion to others, to be kind and compassionate to ourselves.  Before we assist others into a skilful way of being mentally emotionally, we have to be in using our own minds skillfully. Are we?

When we use our minds skillfully, our hearts will open wide enough to allow the suffering in without it shrivelling up or exploding.  That's pretty cool.

Hmmm!

Anyway...my desire to help will guide me to where I need to be in order to make some semblance of a difference, however small.  It is all good.

All is well in my world.

Thich Nhat Hanh ( 2011) peace is every breath. Harper One

Renewing the Mind

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12: 2 NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12%3A2&version=NIV

I have a desire to test what a renewal of the mind will do. I have a desire to know what God's perfect will for me and all of us is. So Uell S. Andersen challenges us to partake in a 30 day mental fast from all negative thinking on the premise if we think only positively we will connect to God's Will for us.

Does our thinking create the world around us?

Still pondering that question and in one breath I am saying, "Would that not be an amazing thing?" and in the next, "Oh My God! Look what I have done!  I better get rid of that negativity before I have to go through one more self created challenge, before I cause more pain and suffering for myself and others!"   The possibility of this being true causes both awe and panic.

What about you?  How do you feel about the possibility of this  being true?  And if there was even the slimmest possibility that it was true, what would you do differently?  Would you have to do a lot of "cognitive restructuring", changing old nasty thoughts and beliefs ingrained in that subconscious mind of yours?  Are you even aware of what you got going on up there, out there  or in there ( wherever the subconscious mind actually is)? Do you know whether your thoughts are primarily positive, negative or neutral?  Are you aware of how these thoughts affect your Life? 

Our Thoughts Do Have An Impact On our Lives

Regardless if they are the actual cause of everything before you, I guarantee, in one way or another they do affect you.  As I have studied, learned and written so many times before, thoughts and beliefs affect our bodies...  therefore they are, at least partially, responsible for our physical health.  (Read something on the Placebo and Nocebo effect, or something by Bruce Lipton or Dr. Lissa Rankin.) Thoughts and beliefs also affect our emotional experiences and our mental health. Ask any psychologist or psychiatrist about the truth of this.

So our thoughts do affect us.  If they are positive, we will feel "good" and if they are negative we will feel "bad".  We get that, don't we? Is that not reason enough to try to think more positively? To change our thinking so we feel better physically and emotionally? And if we feel better emotionally and physically are we not going to improve our lives?

A Chance to Observe and Examine The Mind

We cannot even begin to readjust our thinking and believing until we know what we are thinking and believing.  Shouldn't we all know that, instead of going blindly reactively through Life?

Hmmm!  This 30 day challenge I will embark on in the near future is not only going to give me an opportunity to test the hypothesis: If you change your thinking, you will change your life (considering, of course, the variables of individual experience as both subject and object), but it is also going to give me the chance to really examine my own mind.  To look deeply into it, to see what thoughts I have going on in the conscious mind and most importantly what seeds/ prompters/ core beliefs I have buried deep within the subconscious.  It will give me the opportunity to see how this mind of mine effects my body and my emotional living experience. That in itself, is a good reason for taking part in such a fast, right? 

Will Circumstances Change?

Then I will test it further to see if the external circumstances I think are responsible for the "good" experiences and the "bad" experiences of my life actually change when I refuse to think negatively for 30 days.  Is my health going to change? Am I going to have more energy? Am I going to have less pain? Is this mass finally going to be  diagnosed, removed? Is my house going to fall into order?  Is my writing going to get published?  Is my present 4 digit annual salary going to increase? Will I be able to keep the house when the  disability insurance  runs out in October? Are my children going to be well and happy?

I don't think I ask for much here, do I?  My  desiring is  pretty basic but still it is a leap from what I am presently learning to accept.  The thing is I am learning to accept this life the way it is now and appreciate it, find blessing in it and even enjoy it. So even if my circumstances do not change ...I will be okay.

Do Circumstances Have to Change for Me to Get What I Really Want?

That brings up the question: Am I settling with less than and making the most of my situation because I have doubt it will change, can change?  Is my being okay with what is, going to be a hindrance or a promoter of me getting more?

I mean I could ask for even  more than the basic.  I would love to travel, to have my books published and making a difference in people's lives,   to teach on stages across the world, to create and be a service to all the causes I find touch me deeply: addiction, mental illness, aging support, feeding and educating poverty stricken children, palliative care. Those would be cool circumstances...they really would be but I also know I do not need to wait until I have those things manifesting in my day to day experiences  to truly have what I want: Peace, Faith, joy and laughter. 

What do I really, really want then? I want the freedom from this thing that has been dragging me down all my life...fear.  I want peace of mind and connection with God's Will for me. I get that and it wouldn't matter if I was digging ditches for the rest of my life with a shackle around my ankle, would it?

Hmm!  Getting ahead of myself.  The main purpose of my partaking in this 30 day mental fast is to help me examine and know my mind better and to see how it is affecting me and my life.  Determining whether a change in thought  changes external circumstances, is secondary. 

And though thy knees were never bent ;To heaven thy hourly prayers are sent ;And whether formed for good or ill ;Are registered and answered still.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is all good! All is well in my world.


Andersen, Uell S.. Three Magic Words . BN Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Wanting More

 It is enough to free your thinking of its negative bonds, to allow yourself to take free part in the creation of your own wishes and desires, and thus to fill your life with achievement and good.
Uell S.. Andersen, Three Magic Words .


I think I got some semblance of an answer today to my question, "Is it okay to want or desire more?"

In a dharma talk from Thich Nhat Hanh, on Love and happiness, I heard these words,

"The first thing to do [when you see self in an unhealthy situation] is to desire to get out of this situation."

It was like "Thank God".  For some reason, I needed his validation that it was okay to desire more in regards to external life circumstances. 

You see, I am about to embark on the 30 day mental fast encouraged by Uell S. Andersen in his book, The Three Magic Words.  I want to test and experiment with this philosophy. I am going to commit  to filling  my mind with positive thoughts and  positive desires to see if my life will change.  Because ...whether it is a sign of a lack of enlightenment in me or not....I do want my life circumstances to change. 


What do I want to change?

I want more. I want more pain-free wellness, more freedom, more peace, more faith and more full living.  I derive my desire for more  from knowing that I want less of what I see in my life right now...I want less pain, illness, suffering, struggle, doubt, a lack of help and support from systems, financial worry, limitation, chaos, mess, drama,  suffering in those I love, suffering in the world, fear etc. How is that for negative?  I want less negativity. 

When I use the words "positive" and "negative"  here I want to try to avoid "duality" as much as possible.  I want to link the word 'positive' with 'healthy', ' that which supports my connection to God' and 'beneficial to all'. The Buddhists use the word, "skillful," which I like.  What I want is that which, I believe, will skillfully guide me to the Ultimate experience. I want to link the word "negative", then, with that which is 'unhealthy', that which takes me further from awareness and connection to God, and that which serves ego and 'little me' rather than all.  I want to desire skillfully, knowing that though unskillful desire will eventually get me to where I truly want to be ( suffering can lead to transformation, right?) there is always an easier way to get there.

Desiring Skillfully

 I still, very much, want to accept all that appears in my life with as little "right/wrong" or "good/bad" judgement as possible. I want to recognize, accept and embrace it all while I look deeply into it in order to gain insight into the  "if, what and how" I should change it.  Though I want more, I do not want to push away anything that comes my way in repulsion or aversion; nor do I want to strive for, struggle or fight for  certain things I prefer.

Hmmm...I want to approach this challenge...not in the way it is described in The Secret but in a way that connection with Source comes first.  The more I read Three Magic Words...I see that this is the approach Andersen is teaching. If I look up at all the things I want, I see that they are really not external changes I am seeking but internal...they are things that lead to and at the same time are derived from awakening.  Hmmm!

Begins and Ends in the Mind

The whole process of creating better lives for ourselves begins in the mind and ends in the mind.  It is a mental game.  Do you believe that? Well I am hoping to test that theory very soon.

I stress, however, that I did not begin the challenge yet!  If I did I would have failed miserably yesterday lol.  Negativity still consumes me at times and is made apparent in my external circumstances.

An Example Of Negative Mental Formations Arising

I got quite ill with a UTI...and ended up with fever, chills, and lots of physical pain.  I unskillfully focused on this experience, watering this seed until the mental formation of it became all consuming.  What made it worse was that another seed/prompter was triggered to grow from my store consciousness/ subconscious mind.  In there, because of past experiences, I have a core belief that the systems around me will not help or support me in my time of need, at least not without a lot of struggle and shaming.  In other words, I believe I will not get help for health or financial related needs.  So when I get sick with something as simple as a UTI, something that just needs an antibiotic, a sense of helplessness and doubt arises because the only way to get that antibiotic is through accessing the system  that I perceive let me down in the past.  With that mental formation I usually have the external experience of a challenge in getting help ( As it was with getting one clear cut answer instead of a three unnecessary ultrasound round  for this mass I have) .  So when I begin to experience the symptoms, I feel almost hopeless that I will get what I need so it will go away and that hopelessness just adds to the physical discomfort and negativity. I go down fast!

Mental Suffering Adding to the Physical

So I found myself quite ill, with a lot of both mental and physical suffering.  Instead of sitting with that and transforming it, I had an idea that the only way to end the suffering was to get an antibiotic.  I focused on an external factor.  After a bit of a struggle and assuming more struggle in the future as the symptoms continued to become more and more intense, I swallowed my commitment to ensuring "equal access for all" ( sorry Tommy Douglas!) and paid a physician to assist me in getting relief from both the physical and mental formations.  (Don't worry ...it was legit...used an online service that offers a quick 'privately funded' service option). Within minutes of hearing the prescription was faxed to my pharmacy, I felt a tremendous relief of suffering.  That took care of the mental formations responsible for my suffering and all I had to deal with was the physical (which is so much easier to do without all the other stuff). I was very grateful for that service.

Wanting a Freedom from Suffering

What I hope to see 'manifest' (I really do not like that word lol)  with this 30 day challenge and a selective and skilful watering of "healthy" seeds is a freedom from such suffering. I am not consciously seeking freedom from all minor or even major health ailments.  I just want to see myself processing such experiences with peace, Faith, hope, and confidence that it will be taken care of quickly and surely. I am sure if I did not have this "skeptical doubt" I would not suffer as much...in fact...there would be, in the long run, less ailments to suffer through.  I have this idea that faith...in Life and God and others and myself  is what I really, really want.

Hmmm...anyway...I will start this challenge soon and I will keep you posted.

For now though...the most important thing is to be here, in this moment, with whatever is here...recognizing, accepting, embracing and looking deeply into what is.  K?  Cannot stress that enough.

All is well.


Andersen, Uell S.. Three Magic Words . BN Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Plum Village (June 2018) Love and Happiness/ Dharma Talk with Thich Nhat Hanh/2004.11.25
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPqonJJP_o

Loving Truely

Is it a wonder, then, that love will overcome all, for with love there is no fear, and with love there is no hate; with Love there is no opposition. True love, then, is simply recognition of the spiritual unity of all life.
Uell S. Andersen, The Three Keys, Chapter 8

Hmm!  Still contemplating and examining the way Andersen's words feel inside of me.  Can we really change our worlds and our lives by focusing on what we really want?

What is it that we really, really want?  That is probably the biggest question. In Chapter 8, Andersen answers that question beautifully. 

Love is What We Want

What we want is Love...that simple. Of course we sometimes get confused as to what Love is and seek it in the way directed by the movie screen or the romance novel.  We seek it in a special relationship with one person ( or a few family members and friends) , excluding the vast majority of the world in that selection. And of course, as ACIM teaches, the special relationship will not fulfill us because Love is so much more than that.

Closing Up to Love

Michael Singer tells us not to close up to Love.  When we close up to Love we close up to Life. Many of us are closed up, selecting only a few individuals to love and take care of, making "strangers" and even "enemies" of the rest of the world.  We live in a state of fear when we see ourselves as separate little beings lost and disconnected from our Source.  We try to fuse back into that Oneness again in many ways...for most of us it with the special relationship.  Yet that never fulfills us for long because Love is so much more than that. 

Not only does relying on a special relationship  not always fulfill us...it causes pain on many occasions...it pushes us away from relating.  If you have ever had your heart broken, or have been disappointed by the way someone was "not making you happy", you can attest to the fact that it is very difficult to open up to others in the same way again.  The fear of being hurt again dominates and we build protective walls around ourselves that close us off to love and offer only a false sense of security.  This sense of  limited security comes at a cost. When we live in fear, constantly needing to protect self from further pain, we are pinching ourselves  off from true Love. We are actually pinched off from the very thing we hunger for..., connection with Our Source. God is love, thus the great teaching he left us is that all humanity dwells in love and love dwells in all humanity, and all things good, great and small, are wrought by love. (Andersen)

While fear leaves us closed and pinched off, True Love reminds us that we are united and One with all in the way that matters most, at the spiritual dimension.  It is not just a feeling, but a way of being.  True Love is openness, and the fostering of a  widened and immense heart.  It is not finite.  It is infinite.  It is not limited and conditional.  It is unlimited and boundless. And it dwells in us already.  We do not have to seek it "out there".

Open Up to Love or Suffer

 As Singer teaches, we either close or don't close. Andersen goes on to say we really only have two choices to love or to suffer. When we close up in life and believe we are limited and at the mercy of being hurt by Love...we will pull away from that which offers infinite joy.  We will suffer.  We are closing ourselves up to God. 

When we open to Life, we open to love and we open to God. This is where we will find joy and peace and  a true sense of safety.
God is love; love is life; we are love. ...The perfect seed of love is within. Perfect love is in each of us constantly seeking outlet.  All we have to do is let it!

The Four Elements of True Love

Thich Nhat Hanh offers the four elements of True Love in  the below dharma talk. The four elements are Maitre (loving kindness), Karuna (compassion), Mudita ( mutual joy) and Upeksa ( non-discrimination /equanimity).  These elements are needed in all our relating with beings on the outside but also, I believe, with relating to ourselves.

Maitre

We need loving kindness as we seek to understand the other or Self.  It is not about criticizing, punishing, adding to guilt and shame but being friendly and understanding those parts that we would rather not see in self or the others.  When we look at all beings, as well as ourselves, with loving kindness...we open up our hearts and lives to Love.

Karuna

We need compassion as well...we need to be able to look at suffering in self and others and help to transform it.  We do not jump into the pit of misery with the other or part of self that is suffering.  We observe it from a helpful distance and help from this place.  If we identify with our suffering or the suffering of another we will not be able to help.  We will be lost in it. It is from the clear expanse of Love that we help to transform suffering into something beautiful.

Mudita

We need joy as well.  Opening up to Love and Source, is opening up to joy.  It is not a jealous joy but a shared joy.  We are happy for others when they are happy.  We are happy for ourselves when things work out as well and we share that joy with teh world.  The other's happiness is yours, and yours is there.  We recognize that spiritual unity.

Upeksa

Finally, we need to remain non -discriminating and all inclusive.  We do not love a few.  We love all.  We do not just love parts of ourselves, we love all.  We put aside our preferences and our repulsions and we seek the whole united picture of Love instead. We open up to all beings and all of Life.

Why?  Because are all one.  Love is the force that runs through all of us.
Love knows that your neighbor is yourself, that your enemy is yourself, that there is only one power behind all space and time and form. (Andersen)

An Example,

I know the world is still reeling after the incident with George Floyd.  In my province we also, in the span of a couple of weeks, had two similar incidents take place with two First Nations individuals.  There has obviously been a great deal of misrepresentation, prejudice and injustice directed towards this group from the time the "settlers" first arrived on a land they were inhabiting very peacefully and respectfully for centuries prior to the arrival of Europeans.  Like come on!  Reservations and Residential schools??  How does a population get away with doing that to another and call it Love???

Anyway , without getting into too much detail, I will say that two individuals lost their lives at the hands of law enforcement.  Because  the voice of this group is so much weaker in helplessness here these incidents may never be publically associated with racism or social injustice. And I am not saying they are or they are not.  I do not have all the details...nor do I want them.  I just know...I felt and feel very, very sad as I learn of this.  I am sad for all.

What I am  trying to say, is that we can choose sides and close up very quickly when we look into these situations as observers.  If  I ,as a Caucasian , do not accept  the social injustice, the racism that has been paramount in this area for centuries...I may close up to these two individuals with a "Oh they must have deserved it!"  And if I  do recognize it and find the injustice in what my ancestors have done, I might say , "Oh!  Another incident of police brutality.  Someone has got to make those officers pay for what they did." In either case...I am projecting out blame or excuses.

We Are Both Sides

When we choose sides like this we are narrowing our vision and the opening in our hearts.  We are selecting.  We are closing up to half of the  whole picture.  We are not Loving in this incident.  If we were loving we would see that we are both the victim and the law enforcement.  We are the circumstances that led to the incidents in the first place. (In this case from  the drug related problems in our society leading to desperation, fear and reactivity to the unfair segregation that took place centuries ago). If we were loving, we would neither dismiss it nor would we seek to blame and make others "pay".  We are both the victim and the law enforcement! We are the circumstances that led to this....can we not get that?  Really get that fact? All Life is united!! The persons who died could have been us and the persons who did the killing could have been us.

If we got that, really got that, we would offer loving kindness to all concerned.  We would compassionately look at the suffering and the cause for it so we can help to transform it:  Instead of saying, "Make the racist pay!", using hate against hate, we might ask,"Why is there still so much racism, inequality in this world and what can I do to make a difference? Why is there so much fear and reactivity.  What can I do to make a difference."  (Of course, we have to start with healing our own minds, which is One mind, before we can heal the world.)

The pain of both sides would be our pain.  We would also see suffering in both the victim's life , their families' lives, the lives of the people they identify with as well as those who are responsible for the deaths, their families  and the people they identify with and we would ask, ''What can I do to make a difference there." We just want the suffering to transform into something that will be beneficial to all.

If we were truly open to Love as we viewed these incidents we would love all involved, regardless of what they did.  We would see ourselves in both parties. We may never like what was done, nor should we...but we would see beyond deed to doer.  In that doer we see ourselves.

Hmmm!  True Love is not necessarily the easiest path.  It certainly isn't ego's. But it is God's and I really believe the path God wants us to be on. If we can open up like this , make room in our hearts for this...imagine what we can do.

All is well!

ACIM

Andersen, Uell S. Three Magic Words. Kindle Edition

Plum Village (April, 2020) Four Elements of True Love/Thich Knat Hanh/ Short Teaching Video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKWIeQXCKvU

Singer, M. ( 2007) The untethered soul. New Harbinger

Matthew, Andersen and The Law of Attraction

...a seed sown in the garden of the mind shall reap the blossom thereof.
Andersen, Uell S.. Three Magic Words . BN Publishing. Kindle Edition.

But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added onto you.
Matthew 6:33 ESV

Can we Really Control our Life Experiences  by Controlling How We Think?

Does everything we perceive around us begin in the mind? Is every life experience simply a projection of thought?  Does thought truly manifest into creation and if so does that mean whatever I am experiencing now is simply something I first created in my head?  Can we truly change our lives by changing our thinking? Is there truth in Andersen's , Patanjali's and other like teachings?

Maybe There is Some Truth in Andersen's Book?

My head is whirling as I read Uell S. Andersen's book: The Three Keys.  I started by dismantling the teaching and comparing it to Buddhist and other spiritual teachings. Though I was once quite impressed by it,  I no longer like what The Secret did with The Law of Attraction so I am very skeptical in regards to teachings on it.  That is why I was/am so critical of Andersen's book  But I am examining it.  I am still looking at it and questioning.

The more I read, the more I see that though there is many similarities in the approach Andersen takes as compared to what The Secret took there are many differences.  He is speaking to connecting to the One Mind, the Will of God as does A Course in Miracles. He is not saying that we won't get the superficial things we try to manifest...but that they are not what we really want. He stresses that the house, the car, the special relationship will not fulfill us...the only thing that will is our spiritual connection.   What we want, according to him, which is similar to most spiritual teachings is a connection to our true Self, to Universal Mind, to Shakti, Chi, Tao and what I would refer to as God.  That is what we really want and if we achieve that, everything else is just added on.

Matthew 6

I look at this passage from Matthew 6.  Jesus teaches us to seek the Kingdom of God ( which we know by now is within, right...nor will they say, 'Look here it is' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you. (Luke 17:21,ESV) before we seek the things of this world.

He also teaches in this chapter that God knows what we really need before we do and that if we are going to pray for anything (which is probably equivalent to trying to manifest) we should pray in teh way this passage teaches...which is the Lord's prayer. 

What is the key component of that prayer? 

Not "may my will be done"...but "Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven".  As so many spiritual teachings, from so many different avenues of faith, explain...God's Will is our will...we just do not know it yet. It may not be "ego's" will but it is ours.  What we really, really want is that connection to our Source.  What we really, really want is what God wants for us: Love ( like real love), peace, contentment, abundance of heart and mind...not the Porsche.  I mean the Porsche is okay...there is nothing wrong with it...but if we, with great faith pray and seek for that, we will get it  but we will soon discover it isn't what we want or need.  It will not fulfill us.  What will fulfill us is our connection to who we really are...our connection to God.  When we have that, all these other things  will be added on. We will get the Porsche but we will be happy not because of it but because of our being home where we belong.

This passage from Matthew also reminds us of the impermanence of these earthly things depicted as manifestations of abundance in The Secret.

Do not lay up for yourself treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth or rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal.(Matthew 6:19-20)

What we really, really want is that which is changeless and eternal and is found in the unseen world, not the seen.

Changing How We See and Think


In verse 6:22, Matthew  also speaks to the idea of seeing  rightly and how our perceptions effect our well being and the world around us. If the eye which is the mind's view is healthy and positive ...we, in these forms, and the world around us  will be light.  If the eye which is also our thinking is unhealthy or negative, the world will be dark.

If we think positively and water those seeds...we will have a positive experience.  If we think negatively, we will plant and water seeds of negativity in our subconscious minds.  Andersen, as does some of teh Buddhist teachings,  teaches that whatever is in the subconscious will manifest in the external world.

So if  we can change the way we think, the way we perceive the world, we can change our world! That is pretty powerful stuff.  Change the idea of a thing, and you change the thing.  It is that simple. (Uell S. Andersen, Loc 294) 

If things on the outside of us are not perfect and maybe not the way we would prefer them to be right now...it is because of the way we are thinking.  We can, according to Andersen, change them.

Of course, the primary objective is to first accept and tap into what God Wills here. This present moment imperfection, challenge, postponement in getting what we want, could be divine will...but it doesn't mean that it will always be like that. Nothing is permanent, right?  Not even our thoughts or experiences...that means challenging times are not permanent.  They may serve a purpose to help us get closer to what we really want which is what God wants for us...so we do our best to embrace our suffering  nonjudgmentally as part of our big, beautiful Life. Then we work at changing the thought process by watering those seeds of joy and happiness.

Of course there is much, much more to it than that.  As I have mentioned before, there is a big difference between a thought in the conscious mind and a core belief nestled in the subconscious.  The conscious mind plants the seeds in the subconscious and it is up to us if we water those seeds or not. If we water the negative, we will have the negative show up in our lives and if we water the positive, we will have the positive show up.  Do you believe that?

Anyway...we will talk a little more about thought, belief and hope and faith next time.  For now ...just ponder this possibility...that we can control our lives by controlling our thinking. Hmmm!

All is well.


Andersen, Uell S.. Three Magic Words . BN Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Bible Gateway^[f]https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6&version=ESV

Now What?

Now what?

So I am here.
I can finally breathe.
I made it.
I stand  on the podium
to receive my reward,
a reward
I used every moment
behind me
as a means to get.
I worked hard.
I sacrificed much.
I was better than.
I did more.
I achieved great things
and now
they look up at me
with envy in their eyes.
This is winning.
This is succeeding.
This is getting there...

There?
I am not getting anywhere.
I am here.
Here is a strange place to be.
It is done.
I did it.
I feel antsy as I bend my head
to receive this cold and lifeless thing. 

The medal is heavy around my neck,
the handshake from the deliverer,
quick and impersonal.
The crowd has dropped their eyes
and seem  bored as they
await my country's song of triumph
to end.
They are looking sheepishly, enviously
over at the others  
now standing in line
to take my place up here.

I am ushered off
with a half hearted applause
while the new winner
is ushered in with cheers.
With a sinking heart,
I turn back to look at what was.
Is it really over?

Now what?
I must get it back.
I must worker harder,
sacrifice more,
be much better than.
I must use every moment
ahead of me 
as a means
to get back up there again.
If my life is going to matter,
I must "do" whatever I can
to get and keep what
is mine.

© Dale-Lyn (pen), June, 2020

 

The Antsy Feeling of " Now What?"

I am certainly not climbing up onto any podiums these days :) but I do have this antsy feeling of "Now what?" .  I still have this ingrained and deeply conditioned idea that in order to be enough I must do and keep doing.  Right now, despite the fact that the world around me is just stepping gingerly back into some semblance of normal after a Pandemic shutdown...I have many, many self imposed projects on the go.

My writing projects...which are too many to count seem endless and scattered.  I am trying to submit some old stuff, finish some started stuff and new stuff in the forms of idea or poetry  just keeps coming to the page.  I am not focused enough to finish one thing...to give it my devoted attention...Like a kid with ADHD, I am pulled here, then here and then there.

I see so many other things, besides writing, that need to get done...including parenting stuff I probably have no real business in.  There is yoga  and trying to create new sequences and reopen classes ( two students at a time), my videos, my studying and renewal processes.  There is my photography...I picked up the camera once and I am hooked again...feeling that pull to get out there and capture the world. There is my own "dharma" practice...which to me means my need to examine and study Life and my mind. (My priority these days) There is social obligations and now that offices are opening up again I have to re-address my health issues to keep worried individuals off my case.  I broke a back tooth again ( 4th time) because of my jaw clenching and it hurts like &*^..I have to get that looked after. And there is this blog which seems like one of the easiest things for me to do. 

 

The Busy Minds' Impossible "To-Do" List

My busy mind is creating long extensive lists of things I have not finished and that need to be dealt with .."now". 

It is a chaotic and impossible list to follow.  I am so glad I am at the point of my waking up that I do not feel the need to follow my mind's direction...that I can sit back and just watch and question what it is doing and why?

I also know that constant doing is usually just a distraction from being.  For some reason ,I am resisting simply sitting and being .  The mind is bullying me, trying to make me feel guilty about not doing enough so I "keep busy" and not settle in the present moment.  The egoic mind doesn't like my present moment...is judging it as unpleasant and something to be avoided.  That is all the more reason...I now realize...I need to sit and see what is going on in that head of my mine.  :)

So when I ask myself the question, "What now?"...I can simply say..."Stop! Breathe, be aware of this moment and everything in it...body sensation, surrounding, what my senses are picking up...just be here.  Don't use this moment to "do"... as a means to get up there somewhere.  This is it.  Notice all the things in it that make it worth being in...all those things that  too often go unnoticed, like the lilacs in front of me, and how beautiful they smell...filling my whole house with that sweetness...and behind that is the smell of fresh baked bread that I just took out of the oven.  I can hear the robins singing so beautifully out there and the wind through the trees. I can feel my body...even the tooth ache which makes me aware I am alive...and when the pain goes I rejoice in that ( it comes and goes).  I notice and pay attention to the pain being there and not being there. There is my tea and the feel of the cup in my hand...my pets around me.  It is just perfect...here and now...even though it is far from perfect.  It is not a matter of being good or bad...either/ or...but... both/ and. It's perfect and it's imperfect.  Hmmm!

Instead of listening to the mind and attempting to appease its insane wishes to do everything it is telling me I must do, I can just sit, get in touch with that stillness and be in this moment.  I will be inspired, when the time comes, to do what needs to be done and I will be doing it from a much better place than "What now"? I sat down here this morning and asked my inner self what it wants me to write next...and that poem popped out.  Hmmm!  Go figure!

 

Anyway, I am rambling.

 

All is well.

 

Inspired by:

 

Eckhart Tolle ( June 10, 2020) Being at Peace/The Present Moment. Eckhart Teachings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-HWfAZlAbI

Craving

Crave for a thing and you will get it.  Renounce the craving, the object will follow you by itself.
Swami Sivananda (Brainy Quote)

I am still working on connections and understanding this idea of wanting. I was surprised yesterday to discover  from the dharma talk I listened to that , "desire" was actually the first of the three realms in which a person can be reborn according to Buddhist and Hindu tradition. Of course, according to these beliefs a person is said to reincarnate and reincarnate until they reach full enlightenment in a life time. Within the "Desire Realm" are said to be several sub realms or "Lokas" that a person can be born into...from that of much too comfortable Gods, to envious warriors, hungry ghosts, angry, aggressive hellions, stupid, ignorant animals and finally  doubting, passionate and desiring humans. The point is...that when a person is reborn into a "Desire Realm' they are not yet fully enlightened.  The closest to nirvana would be the human realm if one is able to transform passion, doubt and desire into faith, that is. (O'Brien, 2018)

Whether the Three realms are interpreted literally as a text on cosmology or as a view of inner evolution, they can teach us a lot about our own individual desire. Desire is equated with a lack of wakefulness, wisdom, truth achieved in a life time. All of these loosely depict the human journey, do they not?  For those few of us, who have little to no suffering in our lives...who get born into states of advantage and power we can  often be so comfortable in that state, that we see no need to enlighten.  We may erroneously see ourselves as already enlightened beings, "special" and "chosen". Or we may be warriors, threatened by the accomplishments of others and in our envy seek to attack so we can have what they have. So ensnared by our envy and our need to have what the other has here on this plane we do not have the time or energy to search for a way out through awakening.  (I will speak to the Hungry Ghost realm in the next paragraph).  We can be trapped by the fires of hell and anger leading us to attack aggressively others because of this anger. This fiery anger is so consuming we cannot see beyond it to the peace nirvana would offer. Or we can be ignorant animals...stupidly believing this is all there is.  Then as humans...we must transform our doubt, passion and desire into something that will help us reach enlightenment. 

 One  of the sub realms described in ancient Buddhist texts  that graphically  depicts how "desire' prevents someone from reaching Nirvana and putting an end to samsara...the endless wheel of birth, rebirth, and suffering, once and for all is the third.  In the "Hungry Ghost'' realm, beings are reborn into entities that have a large hungry belly and only a pinhole for a mouth and a long narrow neck not equipped for swallowing.  This image creates a wonderful allegory to human craving which can lead us on a fruitless and ceaseless journey of seeking to attain enough to put an end to a hunger and thirst we can just not satisfied by external means. This is the realm where we see addiction, obsession and compulsion. 

I guess what some of the Buddhist and Yogic texts are alluding to, is that desire can lead us on an endless search to attain more from  the external world, that will only take us farther away from our true purpose here...to awaken. Is that not what so many other teachings express?

All these teachings reinforce that what we really, really want is to awaken and go home, whether we know it or not.

Hmm!

All is well!

O'Brien, Barbara ( 2018) Six Realms of Desire. Learn Religions.Org. https://www.learnreligions.com/the-realms-of-desire-449740

Plum Village ( June 2019) Eight Realizations of Great Beings/dharma talk from Br. Phap Hai.Deer Park. Part 4https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw8dXB5SylI

Teaching and Learning

Teaching and learning are your greatest strengths now, because they enable you to change your mind and help others to change theirs.
ACIM-T-4:I:4:1

Egoless Teachers

Okay...back to what I wrote yesterday.  I always caution to be weary of a teacher's motivation.  Even the greatest teacher, who is still wrapped in an ego, can lose their sense of purpose.  Ego can take hold and allow the teacher to "use" the student for their own purposes.  We see that in many so called "cults". 

There are vey, very few "egoless" teachers out there.  The poem reflects the presence of a true egoless teacher in our lives...one encased in many forms , coming from different traditions, with different verbal descriptions and stories reflecting the culture of many different times but with one thing in common...direct connection with the Divine Truth. ( I know that could get me in trouble with those who worship the separate form of a Teacher).

One Truth/One Teacher?

Words from these teachers  are encapsulated in doctrines and scriptures that we follow as the Truth...We identify with each variation and interpretation as "our separate truth" and "the 'right'  truth" but...I honestly believe, there is just One Truth in all of it... so much of the One Uniting Truth the teachings were pointing to gets  lost in the translation and interpretation. (And again that would be considered blasphemous to many). I don't mean to offend or diminish anyone's belief systems...I am just compelled to look into this possibility, to question and to explore  because I am "not sure" about anything anymore.  Yet I feel so very compelled to look for that One Uniting Truth in all faiths.

I no longer identify with one belief system.  Like so many are gender-fluid these days, I am Faith - fluid.  And I have no idea of why or how I got here really...but I am.  I don't know why I write what I write on this blog...how or why I come here everyday.  It baffles me. I just know that I have to be here.

I also need to restate that I have no grandiose ideas that I am an expert.  I am somewhat of a teacher only because I am a learner. I teach to learn and I learn to teach.  To me, they go hand and hand.  And I am far, far from egoless at this time. So...do not for a second ...put your faith blindly in what I have to say here...please!  I am not sure about anything. If something I have written  resonates a bit...explore within yourself why it resonates.  I would also encourage you to check out the references I place below most entries...to check in with the real experts, okay?

Paths?

There are three paths or vehicles to understanding Truth, according to the Buddhist teachings:  The small, medium and Great paths.

In the small path, which is also called the King-like path, the learner is self-motivated and desires to become enlightened first.  In the medium path, or the "Ferry-Keeper" path, the learner wishes to help others cross over to understanding while they too awaken.  ( I believe, that is where I am).  And the Great Path, is a path that transcends the paradox of Self and other.  If I learn, all learn. If I awaken...all awaken. ACIM speaks to this as well. Each of us is the light of the world, and by joining our minds in this light we proclaim the Kingdom of God together and as one. (ACIM-T-6:II:13:5).

For the most part, I am a medium vehicle...on the medium path. Where are you?

Anyway, so much to write about because there is so much I am learning . I do not want to "stuffocate" you.  (That is another cool word I heard from the link below.)  I will be back.

All is well!

ACIM

Plum Village ( June 2019) Eight Realizations of Great Beings/dharma talk from Br. Phap Hai.Deer Park. Part 4https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw8dXB5SylI

Teacher

 Teacher
 
Monkey kings
bow their head in reverence
while studious and
well mannered students
 clap and wave their arms about
as the teacher
speaks  to lessons
reduced to  fading words
and symbols  on
yellowed scripts,
translated and transmuted
into concepts that
hold  only grains
of the sand
Truth is.
 
Once a disillusioned  Indian Prince,
a humble Jewish carpenter,
a Saudi travelling merchant
 and the face of so many others
who have looked directly into the divine,
the teacher stands before us,
an accumulated morphing
 of centuries of shed outfits and forms,
 different languages and pointers
with only one lesson to share.
 
The weary teacher has  traveled far
along the silk road to the east,
the busy industrial path to the west,
over mountains and through dessert,
through  rice patty and through ocean,
through golden lined streets
and war -torn rubble,
to stand here today.
 
 
The teacher teaches,
not so much with what is said
but by what is embodied
within this meager form
that is worn as a cloak
around all that is.
The lesson is taught through
slow purposeful steps,
inspired speech,
and a light that shines
so brilliantly
from eyes that
offer Love to all of us
who so desperately want to know
what the teacher is here to teach.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen),  June 2020

 

I do not know why I wrote this but I did...against all ego's reprimands and warnings. 

 

I listened to the talk below and this is what came from it, as well as 8 pages of notes lol. ( I am old school...spent many a day in a university classroom, one student among many, trying to capture from the teacher everything I thought was needed in order to pass the exam...while understanding little at the time. So I take notes ...but luckily I understand much, much more from the teachers who teach the "really important" stuff because I have learned to be present) .

 

All is well!

Plum Village (June, 2019) Eight Realizations of Great Beings/ dharma talk with Br. Phap Hai. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzo_hZolNi4

 

 

 

Write in the Moment and For the Moment

Touch the preciousness of this moment which will never occur again.
Br. Phap Hai

I think of these words as I sit here wondering what to write about.  This moment, right here and right now, is my Life.  What do I want to do in, put in it to make it meaningful? 

I don't know really but I am here writing. I thought writing was and is what I am supposed to do but I am questioning myself lately.  I noticed ego's big greedy face in the mirror the other day and I was a bit taken aback.  I  have been telling myself that my writing was an egoless adventure where I was not worried about anything but getting the words down...not worried about quality or outcome...I was writing for the sake of writing , a tool used by something greater.

Yet, I realized yesterday that I was attached to an idea, a fantasy of myself as a writer...I thought for a second that I was better than I was.  See the "I" in there?  I realized through a small series of events that ego was still motivating my writing...there was an "I, me and mine" wrapped into it all.  Truth is, a desire for redemption from shame was my major motivation.

Remember my two ego friends?  Shamer and Redeemer? As I peel away layers of self protection we encounter once again , Shamer doing what Shamer does best. "Little me"  feels "diminished", "less than" others, and somewhat unworthy because of his big "pep(less) talks." Automatically and unconsciously, I call on Redeemer to come to my rescue.  This part of my ego, doesn't have much to work with these days to pull me away from Shamer's claws...except my writing. 

Ego likes doing , right?  So really the only noteworthy thing I have been doing lately is writing.  So ego uses that to create a story of redemption. "You got some chapbooks out there...look at how quickly you write the poetry.  Some short stories are out...you are working on novels that once published will make people realize that you were doing something of value, you were honing a craft." It tries to convince me that what I write is better than it is.

Well, I read good writing yesterday in my sister's book of short stories and I was so amazed, so impressed and so very jealous of her writing.  Now...she took the time to hone her craft and to build on it.  She admittedly "worked" to create what she created.  And it shows!  Her stories blew me away.  Her book inspired me to re-evaluate my own writing and I went back to the Chap books I more or less threw together...and realized that without the committed effort they should have received...what I put together was not that great.  I read my short stories I have out there and did the ego thing of "comparing" them and I felt they were not as good  Though, I am truly, truly happy for her, I do feel a little jealousy which is a sure sign that ego was more than a little involved in my writing life.  With that comes the realization that ego had once again hopped into the driver seat of my writing adventure.

I do not want ego there.  I don't like how he drives.  :) I recognize, allow and even embrace the fact that he is there with the feeling of jealousy, diminishment and fear that I will not leave something of value behind. As I do this, I feel I can look into it a bit deeper before letting it go.

I am humbled, which is wonderful and a far cry from shaming.  Truth is, I have not yet mastered this craft and it may take another fifty years to do so. That is okay.  In the mean time, I can offer my less than perfect work to the scrutinizing eyes of others while learning not to be effected by it. I can practice not being so "I,My, mine" focused and stop taking credit and blame for what I create.  I can create for the sake of creating as I practice getting better at it...but content with what I (and I mean beyond I)  produce now in this moment. I can be happy and supportive of my sister's talent.  I can even learn from her.  I can grow and grow and grow as I am, knowing that everything is constantly changing.  My ability will change just as the next moment will be completely different from this one.

We need to accept where we are right /write now in our abilities, embrace it so we can touch the preciousness of this moment which will never occur again.  This is it! Write!

It is all good!  It really is !

All is well!

Allow Self to Open; Later Better Than Never

 The causal level needs to remain your primary focus, the teaching of enlightenment your main purpose, and peace your most precious gift to the world.
Eckhart Tolle(2004), The Power of Now, New World Library (page 204)

A Delayed Blossoming


Man!  This waking up is a very strange thing. It is like part of me is standing back watching my little self as pieces of protective coating keep peeling off...sometimes very painfully. I am "feeling" more and more as each layer is removed and that is a strange thing too. I am feeling the pain and raw vulnerability but I am also feeling the sweet release of years and years of accumulated pressure against very tender flesh.  It is a nice feeling as I connect to something I so long denied.  Hmm!

Anyway, I am also having something  like "Life Reviews'.  Because of being triggered as I was yesterday or for no apparent reason at all  I will have a vivid memory of something in my past, usually something related to what I did or didn't do to others and myself over the years that could have led to pain.  It is like I am being shown on some old movie screen how my pain got in the way of truly "being" there for others and myself, keeping me stuck in some self-made comfort zone, and preventing me from  living fully and joyfully the way I was meant to. So as I relive these experiences, I experience some regret, not so much over what I lost living like this, but over the fact that others got hurt or didn't get the best of me in a way that would make them feel better about themselves. I regret that I  didn't love openly enough, did not offer peace enough, so afraid was I of getting hurt.

I also know that this pain has knotted in my body and has caused some cells to become confused.  I know it is responsible for the muscle aches and pains we all get, and it is also responsible for whatever I got going on in my heart and vessels, what I got going on with the pelvic pain I'm still getting and this mass, first discovered in November which  is now leaving me with a constant, undeniable pressure in my under arm no matter how much I try to ignore it. Though these things are very physical and real in that context...I see beyond their physicality.  I almost ( almost lol...still  sounds pretty much like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice...garbled)  hear  what these things are telling me.

It is time, I guess, for knots to be removed or untied, for pressure to be released so the tender flesh can finally heal.  It is time to open fully to what Life is truly all about. Man...it only took over five decades to get to this point...lol.  How is that for a delay in blossoming?  Doesn't matter, I am here.  :)

And I am just standing back watching all this go down and experiencing it at the same time....It is so very strange and  so very awe inspiring.  Hmmm! I know I cannot go through this without sharing it...I have to share this learning...so I keep coming back here...again and again and again.  Sometimes I have 100 readers a day, sometimes fifty and as I have now...numbers trickling, once again, below 20.  It doesn't matter how many read, what the outcome is ...I just know I have to show up.  I have to come here! I have to offer a way to peace.

It is all good...so very, very good!