Dealing with Ego Drama

 

They made a monster out of you because you walked away from their drama,so be it. Let them deal with what they have created. Be at peace with yourself, and stay out of the conflict.

Unknown

Dealing, dealing, dealing ...or at least trying to with Life as she does what she does. I am soooooo sick of drama but this "me" gets sucked into it again and again.  Let me refrain that: This "me" allows itself to get sucked into it again and again. In all fairness I often do not see the sucking in part until I am already thrashing around in chaotic, turbulent waters trying to keep my head up. (As I say that I recall images of the flash-floods in Texas and New Mexico... my heart goes out to all. I also feel guilt for thinking about this "me" issue that pales in comparison. Yet...the mind goes on about the issue and I let it. Sigh!) .

Yesterday, I worked myself up into a mini-mental frenzy. I am getting sick and know I have to do something about it...soon. That means once again reliving this awful feeling that I need to "go back in there" and plead for my health. That means dealing with that thing I hate dealing with: core shame that at this point in my healing is nasty and doing whatever it can to survive.  

If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would worry I was dead. unknown

I awoke at 5 am and had that heavy feeling in my face and into my ear (and an even heavier feeling in my gut).  I could taste the most God-awful stuff in my mouth and I felt hot and nauseated. 

"Crap!" I thought, "I let the infection in my mouth brew too long and I will have to suffer the consequences". 

The mind went into, "Why were you not more assertive? Why didn't you insist that something get done or that you at least get a prescription for antibiotic round 5? Why did you get fooled into thinking others knew best again? You knew what this was and that something had to be done soon but you never said anything!"  

Why didn't I say anything? Shame, of course. Good old shame. 

Shame says, "There is some deep dark reason why you keep suffering in this way when it comes to your body, you know that eh? There has to be. It is just too uncanny how these things keep happenning. You mustn't be worthy enough of help. In fact, you must deserve to suffer. Look how challenging your life has been to date. You must deserve it."  (Once you really go deep to explore those core beliefs hidden within the subconscious...it is amazing to see how nasty they can be.) "Maybe karma isn't just a lesson curriculum.  Maybe it is a punishment system, after all. You must be stuck in this karmic cycle. Just give up...don't fight. Let whatever happens, happen. Really, why do you even expect anything better than this?" It gets really negative really fast when shame is in control. 

Shame is a soul-eating emotion C.G. Jung

Anyway, with that shame spiral going on, I am thinking all morning about what to do next. Do I wait for it to get bad enough that I need an IV antibiotic and therefore I would access the ER, bypassing "going back in there" to another place that has become a shame-festering place for this "me".   Or do I just call and let them know what is going on.  "Well", I tell myself. "They really kind of have to be expecting this call, don't they? They know I have had an infection since April. Who is left with an infection in their mouth this long? "

Anyway...as I am feeling this way and as I am contemplating what to do, I get a call about being needed elsewhere to respond to another crisis with a loved one. I resented having to respond when I was feeling the way I was feeling. I have, in all honestly, pulled back from the "drama" this loved one's "pain body" tends to cause ...many years ago. I repeated the old axiom "Didn't break it; can't fix it" over and over and used it in my rationalization for not reaching out enough, not checking in enough. Told myself I will love her where she's at and I do but I can't keep doing this "drama" thing. 

Just because some people are fueled by drama, doesn't mean you have to attend their performance.

unknown

In truth, being around her pain body and the antic of its personality completely drains "me". Besides the fact that witnessing her self destructive tendencies is so difficult to do, I am afraid of what she does to this shame-based human. She sucks this "me" in like she is drinking a milkshake through a straw...slurrrrrp....and then she spits it out because it isn't enough. Then she will look down at its splattered remains and curse it for not doing enough for her. Sigh!

I know it is just her "pain body" doing this...not her. I can see how she needed to build a protective personality. She has had so much trauma in her life. So much and she spent her life running from it. She stuffed and stored it behind all these amazing personas she created and this grasping and clinging for outer world things like popularity, success at work, recognition, and her worthiness for victim status...never dealing with the pain. At the same time seeking and creating other pain for self and others. 

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain or you want to suffer pain, or both. There really isn't much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will discover that your thinking and behaviour are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others. If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane. Eckhart Tolle 

She reached the pinnacle of what others in this small community would refer to as "outer world success" after creating the perfect persona, the perfect mask. Keeping up with this persona meant she had to numb the pain, keep it down and away from conscious awareness.  She began using everything and anything she could to do that. Then she fell all the way down to the bottom, falling hard smashing the mask to pieces.  All armour was gone. There was the pain waiting to be recognized and experienced. It was a perfect time for true healing....but she couldn't go there. She still couldn't face it. So, she then began trying to redeem herself in society's eyes. That only went so far. She also relives the glory days when she had everyone's love and devotion as she continues to numb the pain even more. 

She got cancer. That became the most perfect redemption for her. People seemed, in her eyes, to stop judging her for her fall, and pitied her instead.  She was lifted up to that pinnacle again. She recovered from cancer and that was awful for her "pain body". She lost some of the support and attention she depended on. She felt desperate to keep it up. So, from that point on she began creating the illusion that she still had cancer and seeking anything out there that would give her that attention back. Her body was deteriorating because of what she was doing to it, and because of the trauma she wouldn't face.  She spent many days in and out of hospital seeking a validation and support her persona so desperately needed to be maintained. Her body is truly sick in many ways. For a long time, she got attention and support for her body's complaints, and she still does but when others started realizing and pointing to the reality that most of her physical complaints were related to the substance abuse not a cancer...she freaked. That was too much for her. She locked herself up in a little room and began self destructing at a higher and faster level. 

She ended up in CCU on a ventilator for aspiration pneumonia. She got the attention back. She was temporarily redeemed...which meant she was pulled away once again from having to deal with the stuffed pain and shame screaming at her to deal with. She refused to deal with the fact that she put herself there in that CCU bed and instead told others, in an attempt to convince herself, it was COVID. If anyone...anyone dare try to pierce this veil of untruths she wore for protection...her pain body would attack in anyway it knew how. 

I like truth and I like to share truth.  I shared what I was seeing from the very beginning of our relationship. She hated that.  So, being the brilliant mind she is, her "pain body" in an attempt to keep protecting her from her own pain, figured out how to punish me again and again in a way it knew would hurt.  She somehow recognized my own shame-based personality that needed redemption. When her personality needed a boost or something from me she fed my personality, she redeemed my personality with compliments and praise and questions about my own well being (she could seldom stay focused on 'other' very long). And when my personality was in her way she pushed it away. She played with my guilt. She told others and sometimes me, how I never did enough for her. She had others believe I was nothing but a "b*&^%" to her. She would tell others and me at times how I was never supporting her. No matter what I did...as soon as truth threatened to put a hole in her persona...I became the bad guy.  

Sometimes, I handle her and her behaviour like a pro. Most times, however, I do not have the strength not to own what her pain body does. I get sucked into believing I am the bad guy. Sigh! Though, I recognize how much pain she is enduring; though I truly, truly want her to be well and happy; and though I really, really want to help, I can't be around her for very long. She triggers what is left of my "me" in a way so few do. No other "me" could survive around her for very long. She takes up all the air. I feel like I am suffocating as it is, I go into full asphyxiation when I am with her, especially in times of drama. Sigh! So, I decided to remain cool and distant and yes...probably cold. I own that. I want to get rid of me yes...but I don't think I need her drama in order to do that. 

Our job, as souls on this mortal journey, is to shift the seat of our identity from the ego to the Self. That's it. Stephen Pressfield

And I still worry, sadly enough, about what others think when it comes to the stories she told and find myself trying to redeem myself from them. I do not speak my truth by saying, "No. I can't go over and sit with her because it is detrimental to my own health and healing. Sigh! 

Anyway, long story to say...as I pulled into her place seeing the cop cars and ambulances parked outside her door...I did not want to be there. I certainly jumped out of the car fast but once I seen her sitting there talking to the ambulance attendants. I just felt a mixture of feelings: relief, guilt for taking so long to get over, the shame, anger, and resentment that once again her "me" outtrumped my "me".  I knew there was no room for whatever is going on with this "me" when dealing with her "me."  So, I took an inward sigh; said to myself "Suck it up buttercup!" and sat down to endure a three hour talk on how I and the rest of the world were not supporting her enough. 

And that is what I did for three and a half hours. I left when her friend came, only to return 3 hours later when she lost control. Wasn't pretty. Her poor friend was distraught. I was more concerned about her than I was for my loved one now being carried off in a police vehicle.

This "me",squished a bit into puniness, but still very reactive would not let this body and mind settle for hours afterwards. I realized I was thrashing around in the drama again.One blessing came from all this, though. I never had too much time to think about my own little mouth problem. 

A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. Eckhart Tolle

All is well!