Teaching to Learn/Learning to Teach

The one exclusive sign of thorough knowledge is the power of teaching.
-Aristotle (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/teacher)


Sigh!  Am I getting anywhere closer to helping others and myself understand this thing called Self? Am I getting any closer to peace and Truth? Or am I just spitting out and regurgitating a bunch of words I can't even swallow, let alone digest, out onto the page?

Sometimes I soooo get it!!!! I feel it in every inch of me and other times I look around and think "WTF(front door)!"  It is like I am waking up to find myself in some  advanced calculus class trying to explain some equation to the person next to me.  (If you knew how I struggled in basic math...you would see the symbolic reference of that example lol).  Who am I to attempt to teach someone else when I may not know?

Stuck in the Classroom.

 My peer is not giving me any indication what so ever if I am helping or just making it worse for them.  They are just staring blankly at me as I go on and on.  I am sure there are others behind me pointing fingers or snickering at my attempts. Who do I think I am?  I feel my face flush. I want to scrunch down real small and crawl out the door before anyone notices.  But when I try to get up, I can't.  It is like I am stuck in this seat, in this class doing what I am doing.

I can't see or hear one  teacher clearly...too many are coming in and out.  I need to  depend heavily on independent research to understand.  And though I hear everything they are saying, comprehend everything I am reading...feel it even, have I a right to explain it to someone else?  Why do I feel I need to do that?   Why?

Teaching to Learn/Learning to Teach

So that I understand?  Yes I teach so I learn.  I have always learned best that way. I do want to learn.  I also know that if buddy next to me learns...I learn.  We need to do this together.

Yet there is more to it.  I am compelled to teach for some reason I cannot even understand.  It is as if all the things I have done, all my experiences so far have led me here.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Beyond the ego

I am not saying I want to be here teaching what I am teaching without any of the perks I used to get teaching: pay, some recognition and praise.  Now there is no stroking of the ego.

This is not at all what my ego prepped me to be doing in my fifth decade of life but here is where I am.  So what choice do I have. I better straighten up and listen harder.  I better keep my nose in the books so that I really get to know this stuff inside and out.  I better keep my eyes, ears, mind and heart open. Because whether  the dude next to me learns or not, I don't think I have any choice but to keep teaching, or keep explaining the little bit I am learning.   It is what it is!

What am I teaching anyway? About Self?  It is my job, everyone's job,  to teach who we really are?

My Self is beyond all the thoughts of holiness of which I now conceive.  Its shimmering and perfect purity is far more brilliant than is any light that I have ever looked upon.  It's love is limitless, with an intensity that holds all things within it, in the calm of quiet certainty.  It's strength comes not from burning impulses which move this world, but from the Boundless Love of God Himself.
-ACIM-W-252:1:1-4


All is well in my world.

Behind the Human Mind

What allows the human mind to see, think and enjoy this world?

 



"Know that when the eye looks into space it is the spirit of man that sees: the eye is only the organ of sight. When one says I feel this perfume', it is the spirit that feels: he uses the organ of smell.  When one says, 'I am speaking', it is the Spirit that speaks: the voice is the organ of speech. When one says, 'I am hearing', it is the Spirit that hears: the ear is the organ of hearing. And when one says, 'I think', it is the Spirit that thinks: the mind is the organ of thought. It is because of the light of the Spirit that the human mind can see, and think, and enjoy this world" 
-( An excerpt from Juan Mascaro's translation of the Chandogya Upanishads(1965, Penguin) as quoted in The Complete Yoga Book ( Hewitt, 1977, pg 487)

For what it is worth...I shot that in manual mode: f-5.3; 1/1250....ISO 100 at 220 mm.  It really doesn't make a lick of difference does it?  Not the greatest shot but I feel it.

The point is I see how shiny that hump backs dorsal area is, how the light just bounces off it; I can smell the salt water again; I can almost reach out and feel the sleek wetness of his skin. Why?  Not because of my senses, not because of my camera. Because of Spirit. 

It was Spirit that allowed me to experience this whale and it was Spirit that allowed me to capture it on camera and in my memory. The body and the camera are just organs that allow us to do this.

Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer it has chosen.-Minor White

Reference

Hewitt, James.(1977) The Complete Yoga Book. New York: Schocken Books

The Fruits of Action

"You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction...Those who are motivated only by the desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do." Lord Krishna to Arjuna in the Gita:2:47-49 as translated and explained by Eknath Easwaran

Say what???????  You expect me to work and not get paid?

It would be pretty gracious of us to go to work for forty hours a week and not take a penny for it, wouldn't it?  Gracious and absolutely nuts!  But what Lord Krishna is telling Arjuna in this section of the Bhagavad Gita is that attachment to physical world reward in our obsessive need to do for the sake of "me" and "mine" will  lead to great disappointment. Excessive doing will not make us happy.  Selfish reward seeking will not make us happy, nor will the rewards the world offers us for such seeking and doing make us happy.

Huh?

That pay check that you seek, that social acceptance and or recognition, the things you can own because of your work...are the "fruits of your labor" ...but if you are working only for the attainment of that fruit and not the work itself you are ultimately going to find yourself miserable. Why?

These are lower mind pursuits (kama) and a result of ego motivation and control of the mind. They belong to the "I-ness' and the 'mine-ness' objectives we spoke about in previous entries. "I-ness' and "mine-ness' we know lead us away from the only true source of joy there is-the Self which is actually a union of all things (Yoga). Happiness is found within, not without.  Happiness is found in selflessness, both selfishness.

Are you saying I am selfish for getting paid and I should opt not to take a pay check?

Of course not!  You live and operate in a body in the physical world.  You need to take care of those physical world needs...basic survival, safety and security, a need to belong and to love, and eventually to strive for self actualization. (As you may have noticed, I listed all of Maslow's hierarchy needs with the exception of Esteem...still not sure about that one lol). In most cases you need a pay check to do that.

The thing is not to work only because of that pay check or that Esteem component of the pyramid. Do not make that the carrot that drives you forward.  Work for the sake of fulfilling your duty to Self which encompasses all of humanity. Definitely reap the rewards that come to you in what ever form they come but do not "strive " for them.  Strive for wisdom instead and let the material rewards be something you can take or you can leave behind.  Do not be attached to the need for these selfish and petty desires...do not live for them.  Establish a life of wisdom instead.

Arjuna: Tell me of those who live established in wisdom, ever aware of the Self, O Krishna.  How do they talk?  How sit? How move about?

Krishna: They live in wisdom who see themselves in all and all in them, who have renounced selfish desire and sense craving tormenting the heart.
Neither agitated by grief nor hankering over pleasure, they live free from lust and fear and anger.  Established in meditation, they are truly wise.  Fettered no more by selfish attachments, they are neither elated by good fortune nor depressed by bad. Such are the seers.
...
They are forever free who renounce all selfish desires and break away from the ego-cage of "I","me",and "mine" to be united with the Lord." (Gita:2:55-72)

Accept your pay check and the perks.  Reap the rewards with gratitude when they come your way but do not make them the purpose of your work or your duty. Make wisdom your goal with whatever you may 'do'.

 Should I become a renounciant?  

For a very few that is the answer...that is what they are called to do.  For most of us it isn't.  We have to live in this busy world.  The object is not to run away and escape it but to find our way within it...while realizing Self and living in wisdom. We need to remind ourselves that the body and personality is not who we really are.  We are so much more.  We live with that knowledge that the spirit in us is in everything and everyone...we honor and respect that thus living with peace and compassion (Metta-kindness as Buddhist tradition refers to it). We don't necessarily throw everything away...we just let go of our "need' for it  and our attachment to it.

If doing is so bad should I stop doing all together?So would it be better to stay home all day and just meditate so ego doesn't tempt me?

For some this works but for most of us...Definitely not.  " ...nor should you long for inaction." Our bodies and our minds are designed to move and to act.  It is natural! The problem is not with the action but the goals for our actions.

The motivation and potential consequence for each action we take is to be considered.  So many of us act blindly...not sure why we do what we do...just moving with the masses like a guppy in a school of fish.  We are lost in learned, conditioned and ego dominated habitual and often Self veiling  behaviours.

Stop long enough to know why you are doing what you are doing.  Ask if it fulfills you or takes you towards wisdom or further away. Is your doing an escape? Does it serve? Act mindfully, purposefully and with wisdom.  Make everything you do  inspired action rather than ego reaction.

So what is your story crazy lady?

I have been thinking a lot about action, about doing and not doing lately because I find myself in an ego world conundrum.  Life led me through a series of circumstances to this point where I can no longer be that guppy in a school of fish...my little fins ( or gills) don't seem to allow me to keep up though there is no one scientifically explaining why. :)

A lot of the fruits of my labour that I worked so hard to earn have thusly been swept away by the current...With that the second top layer of Maslow's pyramid has also been washed away.  I found myself at a crossroads.  After tuckering myself out trying to keep up with the rest of the school, to cling to some of these things that were floating away....I had to make a decision...keep swimming towards the physical world pursuits or go my own way.  I found myself stopping and considering that. 

I then made a decision based on inspired action. I left the school. My own way, I am realizing is the One way

I judged it all  as terribly unfair at first but now I see the absolute blessing in it. I realized the hard way that I can reach self actualization without the school, without the fruits of my actions, and without the ego/Esteem.  In fact, I will reach it faster. :) What I really want is not out there. It is in here.

Did you stop doing?

No...far from it.  Though I cannot maintain the high level of physicality I once took for granted, I can still do a lot.  My mind is still so engaged.  I am learning so many things, studying so many things, absorbing so many things.  I am taking courses like Yoga Teacher Training (the theory is a breeze...the physical component a little more challenging).  I am also studying  photography and learning anything I can about everything I can.

I have a list of 20 potential books to write and a series of potential articles.

I am no longer working at what I once worked at but I am working. I am still teaching. (Not for money). I feel I have a purpose and a duty that calls me here every morning whether I want to come or not lol.  And there are little to no "fruits of my action" here...no "I" ness or "mine-ness" rewards. I have little readership, little recognition, no pay and still I come because I know, in some strange way I cannot explain, that this is my work, my duty. It is purely selfless and beyond the little me.  (That's not true... ego is still around but ego is obviously not the reason I am here.) 

How are you going to survive in this physical world with no job, no income?

I haven't a clue lol!  I would be lying is I said that I am not at all worried.  I am. Ego is still clinging to me.  On top of my debts and monthly bills, I now have a daughter in university.  She is mostly taken care of so I feel so very grateful for that but I know I need some income :) There is, after all, that bottom layer of Maslow's pyramid to consider. :)

What I have learned from this section of the Gita though and from all I am learning in Yoga and my other spiritual seeking is that I don't have to sweat over what action to take, what to do next.  I don't have to be "constantly anxious about the results of what they do." I just  have to keep doing what I am doing, maybe meditate a bit more on it and then simply let life unfold   It is all good.

All is well in my world!

Life takes care of Life.
-Mooji

Life takes care of Life.  I know that but I woke up this morning asking:  Are you absolutely sure it does?  Because 'my' life is pretty screwed right now if it doesn't. 

I am feeling fear and guilt over my decision... a little anxious about the upcoming consequences.  It is like, "What have I done? And what do I do now?" 

What have I done?  I followed through with the inspired  action of letting go of something and trusting, falling backwards toward the outstretched arms of Life.   I catch myself asking in mid air..."Man...are those arms open?...Is Life going to catch me or is it too busy texting  someone else? Am I going to hit the ground with a bang?  Maybe I shouldn't have leapt when I did."

Well it is a little late now lol.  I am off the stage and in the air.

What do I do now?   Ego slips in to say..."Okay now that you made such a life altering decision...what are you going to do next?  What is the plan? What if you land with a thump...what's your back up plan?"

Jumping seemed like such a wonderful spirited soul inspired action, a trust venture but when ego steps in and  gets all technical and precise, I doubt. In this world of doing and a need for control, I am suddenly like a student asked a surprise question I wasn't prepared for.

 "Duh???  Ummm...I don't know", I answer because I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do.  Shouldn't I know that?

If Mooji's wisdom is true...I really do not need to fret over what to do next. I just need to trust that Life knows what it is doing and allow it to continue to unfold. It is unfolding and has been for a while. 

I was led here by all my life circumstances...from my past to my present state of health...I was led here.  I know that.  Leaping was the next logical step, wasn't it?  For my evolution anyway, if not for my ego's sense of security lol.

What it is unfolding into, I haven't a clue...I just know it is something amazing. How do I know that?  I don't know.  Ego certainly didn't tell me that, lol but Something within me did.  That something was Life, I believe. Life told me to jump and I did....knowing somewhere deep inside that Life takes care of Life.

It is all good.

The Quest for Happiness

This quest for happiness goes on endlessly because man is vainly searching outside for something he has lost and will never find if he continues his pursuits in the world of senses.
(Swami Vishnu-devananda, page 305)

An aha Moment

I had what one would refer to as an aha moment or at least something close to it yesterday.  I had that sense of 'break through' and it lead to a certain upping of my mood and a lot of relief from the heaviness I was carrying. The experience  really wasn't heartfelt or soulful in the beginning...it was very cerebral, in fact....but after the 'aha'  I felt it everywhere.

I was reading Swami Vishnu-devananda's The Complete Illustrated Book of Yoga and as I read the chapter on Self as Existence, Knowledge and Bliss it was like , "I get it!!!  I really get it!!! He was writing about pain and suffering and why man was on a constant never ending search for happiness and why instead of finding it...he suffers and feels miserable. Now I wrote about this several times but there was something about his teaching that took me a little further into this understanding.  I really can't explain it other than that.

The  Reasons for Suffering

Man suffers because he is confused about what he is looking for and where to find it.

There are two main reasons for this confusion, according to the author: a sense of "I-ness" and a sense of "mine-ness. "  The I-ness is the mistaking the transient body for the self.  If we are attached to that ideology we will suffer when our bodies disintegrate ( and they all will) , when we age and get sick or when we or someone we love dies. The 'mine-ness" is our attachment to things of the external world...even relationships.  If we see that we are not full and complete without these things we will suffer as they get lost, break down  or get  taken away. (and they will as is their nature). Attachment brings suffering.

I look at this I-ness and this mine-ness as ego lies. Lies we subscribe to, perpetuate, build upon and cling to...  even when they create nothing but suffering. With this suffering...ego trains us to seek outside ourselves for happiness in the I and the mine.

Looking for a golden Needle

Swami relays a story about an old woman who lost a golden needle in her bedroom.  Her friend was called over to help her look for it, but not in the bedroom where she lost it but in the garden.  They fruitlessly searched and searched for hours in this garden for the 'thing' that the old woman so loved. Finally her friend asked, "Why are we looking out here and not in the bedroom?"  The old woman responded, "Because there is no light in my bedroom.  I need to search where there is light so I can see."

Hmmm!  How many of us are relying on our bodily senses and identifications to help us find what we have lost...even if that dependence takes us far away from where the lost thing is?  We look outward instead of inward. We use our senses instead of vision.

What is it that we are looking for? 

According to ancient scriptures we are looking for Sat-Chit-Ananda: the Being, the knowledge and the bliss that is the Self. That is what we lost and that is what we long for.

Where is it? 

Where we lost it...inside us...not out there in the external garden we are searching in.  We need to go back through the bedroom door of our mind's where it is and always was.  The happiness we are looking for is inside. 

Not only that...It is us. Somewhere inside we know that. We know we are naturally peaceful and joyful.  Pain is not a part of our nature. Otherwise we wouldn't be searching.

The Analogy of Boiling Water to Explain that pain is not our nature

The author also uses analogy of boiling water.  When we ask why is the water, boiling over an open fire, hot? It shows that water is not normally hot.  If water is always hot we would simply know it as water and not question its character. Yet water is not inherently hot...and something in us knows that thus the question.  If water is hot...something made it hot. What was that something?  In this case it was its union with fire that made it hot. Take it off and away from the fire it returns to its natural temperature.

Why is man suffering?  If I ask that question that indicates that it is not man's natural tendency to suffer.  "Pain is not the nature of the soul." Something is making it suffer. We inherently know that and that is why we search for its opposite: peace, happiness and joy.

Yet we often do not realize what that thing that causes us to suffer is.  What is that something?: The ego and its need for "I-ness and mine-ness".  So if we take away the "I" and "mine"...we return back to our natural state which is pure knowledge, bliss and joy and Being.

We often do not know what we are looking for. We want happiness  but not the same happiness ego wants.  though we spend a good portion of our lives, if not all of it, looking for the things ego tells us will make us happy.  We will not be able to find the thing we seek that way.

The true happiness is in the Self (ananda).  We want to Be, to exist, to live...and that is the sat.  We want ultimate knowledge and that is the chit.  What we really want, then, is not a golden needle or anything else the world provides...we want Self.

As long as we are looking for happiness outside the Self (the sat-chit-ananda) we are looking  in the wrong places.  That is the only reason we can not find it. If we are suffering at all...it simply means we are looking in the wrong place.

Get out of the garden and go back to the place where what you lost is. Turn the gaze inward and we will see it was never lost!


Whatever suffers is not part of me.
ACIM-W-248

All is well

References:

ACIM

Swami Vishnu-devananda (1988) The Complete Illustrated book of Yoga. New York: Three Rivers Press

Pain is not the nature of the soul.

-Swami Vishnu-devananda (The Complete Illustrated Book of Yoga, 1988, page 305)

 

 

Pain of Adjustment

Pain is not who you are.  It is simply an energy inside you for a while and then it is transmuted.
-Eckhart Tolle

Adjusting to a Less than Favorable Situation

I want to assist my child adjust to university and dorm life.  She has identified herself as "shy and awkward' even though she has many friends and acquaintances. "The problem", according to her, is that her friends are not in the same dorm with her.  The other problem is the communal gender neutral washroom situation as is the reality in most dorms these days. She is avoiding things like that washroom...driving off campus to her friends' and has yet to go to meal hall or participate in house activities because she hasn't met any friends yet.  She seems to have a lovely room mate but "the problem" is, according to her,  that her room mate appears to be shy as well, creating an ' awkward barrier' between them.

In her mind she is suffering an awful, unliveable situation while everyone around her, who are obviously not as unlucky or as defective as she,  are adjusting and having an easy, fun time. They are living the life she expected of college life.  She is therefore  in pain...the pain of
discomfort, anxiety,  and adjustment to an  "awful situation" she does not think she can endure.  :)

As a Mom, I want to fix it or at least help her in some way.  I already attempted to do it on the physical level by attempting to change the situation and then, at least, the environment.  I did too much and feel like I stepped over my bounds. I just feel her 'pain' and I want to relieve it for both our sakes.

Pain?

The thing is, I know pain is irrelevant and nothing more than a temporary and fleeting ego illusion.  Just as my daughter is not shy or awkward, she is not in pain.  Her identifying herself as these things is what limits her. My identifying her as a victim to these very minor life situations is what limits me.

There are several causes for her ( and my) perception of pain

• Identifying Self with minor past personality quirks (shy and awkward) and seeing Self trapped in past personality identity.  She isn't shy and awkward.  She simply felt shy and awkward in the past and acted according to that but she is not her past either.  Past behaviours do not define who she is right now anymore than personality does!
• Unrealistic comparison. A comparison game goes on when we find ourselves in a less than favorable situation.  We assume everyone has it better or easier, don't we?  My daughter assumed that everyone had a bigger room and a better living situation because they have a bathroom or are with someone "they know well".  They aren't "all alone" as she put it.  She also assumed that no one felt like she did. In her comparison everyone felt comfortable, adjusted and confident.  No one was as awkward as she was...everyone else was meeting friends and having a better time because they all had the skills she didn't possess. She seriously did not take into account how uncomfortable others feel too...how universal that anxious  feeling is for most students starting university for the first time. Many, many others are feeling alone right now...including her room mate. She doesn't, at this point, take that comparison lamp and shine it the other way...to all the others who may be having a harder time.
• Expectations!  We, as human beings , have created these expectations for life that go way beyond what life is, lol! I think kids have these unrealistic expectations about how certain life events should be.  Orientation week should be exciting and fun and many friendships should start.  One should feel excited and happy throughout it all!  The room should be big and spacious...like home, only better.  The bathroom situation should be ideal ( regardless of the fact that there are 20-40 students on each floor).  We should be able to make many good friends this week. Going from home to the dorm should be a breeze.Man...this is a major turning point in all their lives requiring one of the biggest adjustments they will ever make: growing up and leaving home for the first time.  Grief is going to be a part of it! Anxiety over all the change,  commotion that goes on is going to be a part of it! Fear...confusion...exhaustion...man...it isn't supposed to be easy lol. Or on the other side...they may expect the worse and see only the worse because of that expectation.  The point is...expectations make accepting what is a lot harder to do
• Resisting what is! Instead of settling in to the moment and the present life situation we are facing, many of us put up our hands in resistance of it.  "Oh...I can't believe this is like this!  I can't believe the bathroom is like that.  I can't believe the rooms are this small!  I can't go because I don't know anyone.  I can't live like this.  etc etc"  We look to another moment, another situation, and other place to get us out of the moment we are in when it would be so much easier to just accept it as it is. "Sure right now...it sucks to have to use a coed bathroom and I feel uncomfortable and anxious.  This is a tough adjustment but this is where I am right now and this is what it is.  "  We need to accept the moment for what it is and what it has to offer if we ever want to find peace in our present set of circumstances.
• We fail to see pain for what it really is. It is just an emotional energy inside us that will flow right through if we let it.  Of course, I couldn't explain it that way to my daughter at this point lol...but I can  say..."Just allow yourself to feel uncomfortable and be here anyway. The feeling won't kill you...and it won't last forever.  Don't run from it or this situation because it makes you feel uncomfortable."
• We fail to see life situations for what they really are. Life circumstances are not Life...they cannot make us or break us.  And like our emotions they will pass right by us if we do not identify with them too much. "So what, you are in a dorm with a communal bathroom...that's just a situation.  It isn't your life. It won't kill you."  We do have a tendency to see the less than favorable  things around us as having so much power over us, don't we,  by saying, this is my life?  I think it is only when we make that distinction and detach from the situation that we will be inspired to act to change what needs to and can  be changed.  The only thing negatively impacted by a situation is body and mind...not Life.
• We fail to see who we really are. We identify with the body and mind and assume if either of these suffer Life is suffering. We fail to see the Self that is immune to all that is happening around us as who we really are.  Instead we identify with the self or "little me" and own all its ideas that there are problems.  It tells us: "This living situation is a big problem and you just can't do it.  You can't make friends.  You can't learn to be comfortable with this washroom situations etc etc. You are, after all, too shy and awkward to survive this dorm life. In order for you to be happy and whole you need all the external circumstances to be 'good'...perfect if possible.  If they aren't, well you will suffer because that is what self does."

The Inquiry

Who is You anyway? Who is telling the you that there is a problem? Could there possibly be a presence beneath all this complaining that is perfectly okay with things as they are? When we realize who we are...all this stuff just doesn't matter.

Like the illusion of silver in mother of pearl, the world appears to be real only until the Supreme Self, the immutable reality behind everything is realized.
-Swami Vishnu-devananda in The Complete Illustrated Book of Yoga (1988), page 300


Anyway, these are the real challenges for my daughter and for all of us to overcome...not the situations or circumstances that flow into and out of our lives.  I know, at this point though , I cannot get my daughter to see it that way. She has her own growing and learning to do to get from a perception of 'discomfort' to the reality of comfort.

I will step back and let her figure it all out.  But if she asks and really seems ready to try to see beyond the physically obvious...I will definitely be here and ready to share the bit I am realizing.  That is the only real  'help" I can offer her.

It is all good. All is well in my world.

Bringing Peace

Where I go Your peace goes there with me.  It sheds its light on everyone I meet.  I bring it to the desolate and lonely and afraid.  I give Your peace to those who suffer pain, or grieve for loss, or think they are bereft of hope and happiness. ACIM-W-245:2-5

Man...how comforting I find those words. How I want that to be my mission in life: to relieve suffering and to bring peace.  I want to help people to know the little bit I know and so much more. 

I was wondering why I seemed to be witnessing so much suffering around me, so much negative thinking,  loneliness, conflict, addiction, illness and fear lately.  It seemed to be so in my face and so all at once. 

I kept asking myself and the Universe what do I do with this?  How do I make it better? And the answer came from some place inside me.

I need to establish and maintain peace in me before I can "help" others.   That so called "help"...which I once read was "the sunny side of control", will not come so much in doing but in Being.  If I am simply being peaceful, I will help the world in invaluable ways without the controlling ego involved. Then if doing is required, it will come in inspired action and be much more relieving, much more Self enhancing; and much more world changing.  The ego will have no say.

Light is not selfish.  It shines on everything.-Mooji

All is well in my world!

You're off to great places,

today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting,

so... get on your way!

 

-Dr Seuss(Oh, the Places You will Go!)

Five in the morning after a busy day and a crazy set of circumstances waking me up. That thought, "I am overwhelmed, this is crazy!"  As well as the feeling of 'stress' leads me here to a place I find consolation in.

My youngest leaves for university tomorrow...well today...in a few hours actually. We will follow her and help her get settled but I will soon be saying goodbye to the child I knew. :) The next time I see her, she will be a little more grown up.

I spent the day shopping, washing, packing, organizing, consoling, grieving and I am, as a mother, finding it challenging to let her go under less than favorable circumstances. Is she ready?  Did I do enough to prepare her for life?  Why didn't circumstances for her work out better so the transition would be easier for her?  Am I somehow responsible for these circumstances?

She is only one of my children that I am 'thinking' about and this is only one experience that I am going through.  I am being pulled from all corners of my family life at once, it seems.  :)

Sometimes, I just wish I could deal with one life circumstance at a time but not to be:) Life's Teacher has other plans for me and the people I love. Multiple lessons, some of them very, very challenging are put before me.  I wonder if I am in the right classroom.  Did I end up with the smart kids when I should have been assigned remedial?:)

It is what it is.  I find peace in that.  I also find peace in this:
No storms can come into the hallowed haven of our home. ACIM-W-244:2:2

When I think of my children:

How can he fear or doubt or fail to know he cannot suffer, be endangered, or experience unhappiness, when he belongs to You, beloved and loving, in the safety of Your Fatherly embrace? ACIM-W-244:1:3

Our perception of danger and threat is just a crazy mixed up perception.  We are safe, well and peaceful in the way that really matters.  We just have to remember that.

All is well in my world.

Whatever will be , will be.

Que sera sera;  Whatever will be will be ; The future is not ours to see...Que sera sera
-Doris Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azxoVRTwlNg)

 

and

....and truth must shine in us as one...
ACIM-W-243:2:3

Man...I want that truth to shine in me and the whole world so that all the dark thoughts that lead to dark choices and behaviours just melt away.  :)

Been away from this and my peaceful pursuits over the last few days because of some life situations. I've been feeling a wee bit stressed too and that always sets things off in the body with those little microvascular spasms (my diagnosis anyway :)).  All good though.  I am here now and now is all there is.  :) I am actually feeling peace.

There is a trick to surviving life situations that the mind judges as "bad", "unfair", "dark," "heavy and "problematic".  It is simply to go to the mind and relieve it of its judgments.  Life is neither bad or good...it just is.  Life situations are not our lives.  Life is beneath all that and untouched by it.  We are not our life situations, we are Life!.

As I witness people I love struggling with some big "judgments" about their lives that lead to choices and behaviours that keep them caught in this vicious mental cycle, I realize how off their perceptions are.  I see how they are mixing up the situations with the life.  I want so badly for them to see and know that they are doing this.  I also know that they will not hear any of what I have  to say until they are ready...if they will ever be ready.  I must just sit and support and do my best to remain peaceful and calm so that they have at least that energy around them.  Hmmm!

Life has so much to offer and sometimes we only see what is right in front of our bodies, perceiving it and understanding it to be all there is because that is what our sense register.  We get stuck in or on one situation and cannot see around it.  Maybe that will change if we can only affirm and believe:
I will not think that I already know what must remain beyond my present grasp.  I will not think that I understand the whole from bits of my perception, which are all that I can see.  Today I recognize that this is so.  And so I am relieved of judgments that I cannot make.  Thus do I free myself and what I look upon, to be in peace as God created us. ACIM-W-243:1:2-6

It's all good.

Oh Squiggly Lines

Oh squiggly lines,

oh flashing sparkling head worms

squirming and sliming  

through my moment so unexpectedly,

I curse you for your obstructive presence

and for the dark demanding silhouettes

you leave like cellar doors between me

and the world I look upon.

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh playful acrobats of light

tumbling and rolling

through my now blurry images

stealing the show away from the words I am reading

and the  images I am trying to decipher,

in my fear and my surprise,

I plead with you to make this vibrating earth

still again

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh photogenic players of the opening act

introducing and welcoming

the  darkness that will  soon descend

upon half of this stage

like a heavy velvet curtain,

I call out for you to stop

but you can not hear me over the

sound of my thumping heart's applause.

 

Oh squiggly lines,

oh masters of illusion and deception,

what truth lay hidden beneath your show of light?

What secrets do you point to

beyond the closing curtain

and what message do you wish to leave me,

your humbled audience with? 

 

Oh squiggly lines,

show me what

I really need to see.

 

Dale-Lyn November 2014

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.
-Jonathon Swift (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/seeing)


The vision started to go on me again today.  The squiggly lines appeared and I thought crap...those big dark patches would soon be coming to take away parts of my visual field. 

I often get what has been called ocular migraines without headache. Minor and benign but what a nuisance.  I hate seeing worse than I see now even if it is only for less than an hour at a time.   The first few times it happened it really freaked me out but though I still don't like them...I have finally  learned to  just buckle down and prepare for the attacks, grateful for the warning that comes  with the squiggly lines.  Whatever they are...there is learning in them.  

I mean, I am not "sure" they are ocular migraines. It was just a "guess" from my optometrist that these attacks were actually ocular migraines.   That diagnosis makes sense to me, though.   I can even see the 'pathophysiological' cause of them: microspasms in the optic vessels.  Microspasms, I believe are the cause of my chest pain as well...and the cause of my cold hands and the Raynauds.  It all makes sense to me if not to any one else. "Stress" often brings them on like it does the chest pain...and I have been 'feeling' stressed over teh last few days in reaction to my life events.

Anyway... the spasms are something I anticipate as soon as the squiggly lines appear in my optic field. I prepare for losing my vision. I begin to depend on my other senses and an even deeper mechanism for seeing. That's what I did today and that is the point of my rambling

I sink deeper into a certain level of learning every time I experience them or any other alterations in my physical senses. I am reminded again and again there is another deeper sense of perceiving that goes beyond the body's five limited senses.  What this special mechanism of sight  sees goes way beyond what our eyes see.

In fact,   our eyes are only what ACIM refers to as a mechanism of illusion...they deceive us by allowing us to see a world that isn't real. Our eyes point us away from reality but we do not need squiggly lines to remember how fleeting and limited our senses are, how physical world dependent  they are,  or how unreal so many things in this world are.

We can tap into this other form of sight.   to see what is real. We can redirect our vision.  As sight was made to lead away from truth, it can be redirected. (ACIM-W-3What is the world?:4:1) I waited for my sight to be redirected when I first noticed the squiggly lines.  As it happened so today.. the patches didn't come.  :) I didn't have to lose my sight to remember what sight is.  :)

It is all good!  All is well in my world.

What's in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name will smell as sweet.
-William Shakespeare https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/william_shakespeare_125207

I used the G. word yesterday and I do understand how that word makes people uncomfortable. For some it speaks of religiosity and a metaphysical reality they may not subscribe to or want to tap into.  For others it speaks of a specific reverence that should not be used indiscreetly by people who do not revere in the same way they do.  And for many it has a specific relatable connotation and image attached to it that can easily be misunderstood and misused by others.  Therefore, it is a tricky word to use.

But the thing is...it is just a word!  It is just a name that does little justice to what is "meant" by it. did you know that there are many names other than this one used to describe the same thing?  In the Christian Bible alone there are many.  The Bible Encyclopedia stretches it a bit to say there are 956 names in the Bible alone.( https://christiananswers.net/dictionary/namesofgod.html) This doesn't count the other names used by other religions in other scriptures. The point is...it is just a name.

I am not saying that the essence, the Being...the meaning symbolized by the word is insignificant but the word is just a word. The name is just a label. As is the thought or "idea' attached to it in most of our minds. What It means or is, few of us really know and can describe with other words.  Yet we use one word and say "Aweeee...be careful with how you use it!"

This one three letter word itself causes so much controversy and concern. And when used as I used it yesterday may cause furrowed brows or raised eye brows above rolling eyes.

I may be perceived as completely crazy or weird for tapping into that word so flippantly and using it in an everyday blog entry as part of my everyday experience.  Using it in the way I did takes us way beyond the physical doesn't it, to something we cannot see or understand, to that realm where the crazy esoterically delusional  people go? It pulls us away from 'sensible' reality where people are just trying to get through their work day or to pay their mortgages. It takes us away from what most people would label as the only reality.

So it must be a "mental illness" or some strange quirk in  personality leading someone to discuss such things. Right? To use that word almost a dozen times in one blog entry means I am really "cra-cra!"

 Let's face it, people label when they are uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable dealing with weird, strange, different people or those who have a mental illness. My entry yesterday may have made people uncomfortable for that reason.  It is much easier to put the "weirdo" assumption on me than it is to deal with any possible truth hidden in my use of the word or what it triggers beyond the fear.

Or the reaction may be one of anger and condemnation.  "How dare she?"  My use of the word may differ from others' conditioned understanding of it or the images it creates in their minds when they use it. My use of it may be perceived as blasphemous or a blatant disregard for the reverence of it that others place on it. Every religious belief has a specific way of using that word and visualizing the meaning of it. Using it the way I did may be in the so called "New-thought" way may be perceived as  not only disrespectful of the imagined Being  behind the word but also of them...those who adhere to their conditioned beliefs. So many wars were based on trying to maintain this specific reverenced image the word symbolizes , weren't there?

It is a tricky word to use and the subject related to it is something people would rather not hear about anywhere but in the places where they spend their Sabbath day worship and only from ordained people given the right and honored distinction to use it. They definitely do not want to hear it from  "strange, mentally ill blasphemers" who write blog entries about the crazy notion of "waking up". How dare I?

Still I used it and I will continue to use it knowing full well the limitations of it. This word doesn't have the capability to describe and define the magnitude of the It  or the I Am...behind it.  No word does. But when I use it people, at least, know that I am talking about something amazing, divine, mysterious, invisible, powerful, and Life giving. I am talking about the "Everything" that creates "Everything".

So I use it and accept the rap for doing so.  It is definitely not my intention to disrespect "God" or others' belief systems and ideologies.  It is only my intention to understand what and who God really is.  This is how I do that!!

All is well.

Note:  I probably won't leave this up for long!

See the Light flowing through you! (A little Wisdom from Genevieve Behrend)

Quietly contemplate the Divine Spirit as a continual flowing of Life, Light, Intelligence, Love and Power, and you will find this current flowing through you and manifesting in a hundred ways, both mentally and physically, in your affairs. (Behrend, Attaining Your Desires Pg 37)

 

Think of  Light

Hmm!  I find that when I am a bit down, as I admittedly have been, thinking about God's Light flowing through me, allowing me to  create better circumstances for myself and others certainly brings me up  quickly! I am not sure if that idea is appeasing ego more than spirit but it works lol!  And since it is all about 'feeling better' I will do as suggested by this early 20th century philosopher who helped to introduce this idea of 'manifesting' way before The Secret was even a seed in Rhonda Byrnes's mind.  I will think of God's Light in me. 

Seeing God in a new way

That changes my preconceived and conditioned ways of looking at God.  I , like many of you, was brought up to see God in a 'physical form', typically as an old father figure with a long white beard and  a fiery temper. He was someone to worship, obey and fear from a great distance away. 

Seeing Him as something without physical form (or gender) but as a continual flowing of Life, Light, Intelligence, Love and Power..." took some time.  It is, however, an understanding that sits much better in my mind and more importantly  in my  heart.  When I contemplate this I feel so much peace and connection to my Source. Not only that...I come to realize that that current of Divine 'energy' is flowing through me as it flows through all of God's creations.

Being Worthy

Now I was brought up Catholic where everything was considered a "mortal sin".  In fact, I remember even as a child hearing or judging my friends or siblings for saying the Lord's name in vain with this too often heard mantra like condemnation, "You have a mortal Sin on Your Soul! You know where you will be going...." Imagine if I were to tell my catechism friends back then, "I have God inside me!" Months in the confessional and years saying the rosary...would not wipe me clean in their eyes.

To say God was close to me was blasphemous enough...to say He was inside me  ...well ...I can almost feel the holy water being poured on me from buckets.

You see, I was brought up to believe I was not worthy of God's proximity.  Then how the heck was I suppose to believe I was worthy of His Love or any of His gifts.  The goal of my religious upbringing was not to reap God's rewards.  It  was to avoid getting  hit over the head with that big staff He carried or  being dropped into the furnace where the "other guy" ruled. 

Fear of punishment and further banishment made me " a good Christian." It had little to do  with a sense of worthiness for His Love or Grace.  Fear prevented me from seeing just how close God was.

Now, as I put away some of my conditioned beliefs and begin to 'see' differently I begin to realize..."...I must be worthy.  You created me, and know me as I am." ACIM-W-238-1:1-2.

The Light Within

God's Light is in me.  God's Intelligence, Love and Power are flowing through me.  This Light, Intelligence, Love and Power are flowing through all of us. I am, you are... just an expression of That.   Now if this is like an electrical current flowing from the Power Source to the "object" found in this physical world...It creates miraculous results. This Light can go from me to others lighting up the world. " Today I will accept the truth about myself. I will arise in glory, and allow the light in me to shine upon the world throughout the day." ACIM-W-237:1:1-2. We can create better circumstances for our selves and for others, for the world at large.

Being the Pipe

The connection is this: that the Spirit, as it flows through you, becomes you and it becomes in you just what you take it for, just as water takes the shape of the pipe it flows through. It takes shape from your thought. It is exceedingly sensitive —how much more, then, must the pure Life Principle itself be sensitive? Think over this. Think it over and then think. Think of it kindly, lovingly, trustfully, and as a welcome companion. It will respond exactly. Think of it as a Living Light, continually flowing through and vivifying you, and it will respond exactly….Behrend, pg 38

We as creations are expressions of the Divine Energy.  This formless, shapeless energy as it flows through us takes the shape of us. Our bodies and our minds are the pipes, God's energy is the water. The pipe, however, is not important ...it is the water within the pipe that gives Life; that nourishes, that allows things to grow abundantly. We are vehicles for that energy.

So as long as we stay open, keep our thoughts pure and clean so they do not clog the pipe we can allow  the power to come through for things to grow abundantly around us. ...by allowing God to do what God does...Create.

God creates through us...God provides what we ask for, wanting nothing more than our happiness and our expansion. 

How to Make this work For us?

Know that God is Love and therefore so are we, think positively on that, trust that God wants what is best for us, know that our desires will be provided for and they will be!

 If we fill our minds with negativity, fear, and scarcity, however, this is what we will create. The energy will take the shape of that pipe. The energy takes shape from our thoughts.  This is the Life principle...Genevieve Behrend speaks of. ...that the sages through the ages speak of. 

Our minds create our reality. Keep them open and free and we will be free to create the world we want.  This is manifesting.

I don't know about you...but thinking on that makes me feel a whole lot better. This energy of God is a Living Light flowing through and giving Life!  How cool is that?

References

ACIM

Behrend, Genevieve. Attaining Your Desires: With Linked Table of Contents . Dancing Unicorn Books. Kindle Edition.

My mind holds only what I think with God.

-ACIM -W-142

Now will I be as God created me.-ACIM-W-237

Ruling the Mind and the Ego Twins

I rule my mind, which I alone must rule.
-ACIM-W-236

Ego is so sneaky! It is determined to tell a story that makes heroines out of us be they glorious or tragic.  :)

The Sneaky Ego!

It snuck in yesterday with that big long rampage to tell such a story and do so under the guise of relating and inspiring.  It's major objective, however, was to tell a sad tale about my previous set of circumstances in order to rationalize why I am stuck and to ask for pity, as well as  forgiveness.lol  Man...it even had me fooled that there were higher motives involved.

Tricky!

Yesterday's blog entry was a good example of the common rally between  the Redeemer and Shamer ego in the human mind set.  I have often written about these ego twins as I have come to understand them. I  have learned a lot from watching them in my own life.  I even subdued them both to a great extent but it is so interesting to see them coming out again and again to play with my peace of mind lol. Each time I witness their competing behaviours I have to come  to terms with the fact...that "Nope!  Not there yet!"

The Ego Twins

There is only one Ego with two apparent components. Shamer Ego shames us to keep us small and retracted so it can control us.  Redeemer ego redeems us from such shame. It appears to become the saviour so we will trust it . It can then control us.  As long as these two are rallying back and forth ego is strong and active. The Ego/monkey  mind  appears to be in control.

  

Shamer Ego

I have been feeling Shamer ego taking over as I look about my "circumstances" and environment and take ownership for it.  I know I somehow created it.  "The outside world is based in your thoughts and mental attitude.  The entire world is your own projection." (Satchidananda, pg 5).  My health, my house, my finances, my parenting situations are in a sense a reflection of what I got going on in this head of mine.  I own it all.  So every now and again I get consumed by shame especially when I see how different I am from others.

So Shamer ego wants me to feel shame.  It taunts and teases, points and hisses at what I  appear to have going on around me.  Sadly, I give into shame more than I would like to.

Redeemer Ego

But of course once Shamer is activated, Redeemer wants to rally back.  My Redeemer ego pretty much wrote what I wrote yesterday. It  painted a long winded tale about how different I am from others with the pretense of doing so for the benefit of others but it was just redeeming the little 'me' as it sought relief from shame.  It wanted to create a better more socially acceptable 'idea of me' after Shamer did a great job tearing one down by pointing out how socially unacceptable I was. In order to redeem status as heroine to this story I created, it used my blog.

Ego believes, it can redeem 'me' to the level of other egos through creating a heroine or a victim of me. If I can get people to see 'me' as the glorious heroine: strong, more evolved than others, and able to endure all types of life's 'unfairness' or the tragic heroine:  pitiful and remorseful  through  confessing my 'sins', than ego will be redeemed to state of social acceptance . Well that is what this ego and this idea of me tells me.lol,

The Part that Knows Better

Part of me knows better.  Part of me knows that I am perfect beneath all this seeming imperfection the mind creates.  Part of me knows that who I am cannot be shamed or redeemed.  It just is! 

This wise part of me, that isn't ego, also knows that I have control over my mind and I must rule it better if I want to change my circumstances. I want to change my circumstances so I have to be a little stricter with these disobedient twins. Or ...more likely...I need to detach from them to some degree; I need to just let them be until they tire themselves out :) I can do this.  After all, I rule my mind...and I alone must rule it.

I have a kingdom I must rule.  At times, it does not seem I am its king at all.  It seems to triumph over me, and tell me what to think, and what to do and feel.  And yet it has been given me to serve whatever purpose I perceive it in.  My mind can only serve. (ACIMW- 236: 1: 1-5).

Monkey Mind or a Serving Mind?

 

 These are my twins shortly after their second birthday 21 years ago.  It may look like poor parenting and a lack of care for environment but back then I was nothing but devoted. :)

Together and at the same time they discovered how to get out of their cribs in the middle of the night...remove everything from the toy box, change table, drawers, windows (curtains and blinds) and closet.  They literally tore the place apart almost every night and we never slept for almost five months because of these antics.  They would eventually tire themselves out and make little beds for themselves on the floor where they would crash and so would we. :)

Back then I thought I was going to go crazy because of their never ending antics and my severe sleep deprivation (I was also pregnant at the time of their night time adventures)  but now I look back at that time and laugh.  I laugh!

Maybe we will all be able to do that when we master our own monkey minds, and  allow our ego twins  to tire out on their own.  Maybe we can then look back at the illusionary experiences they created as nothing but comical. Maybe "ruling" is more about detachment and acceptance than controlling?

Wouldn't that be great?

How sweet and innocent these twins are when they are the ones sleeping and we are the ones awake! : )


All is well.


References

ACIM

Sri swami Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral yoga Press

Not like other people

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/emraan_hashmi_623558?src=t_be_yourself)


I am so not like other people and find it hard to maintain the appearance that is expected of us social beings in a socialized world.  I see what is expected of 'me'. I even try at times to maintain that expectation or at least an appearance of it but atlas...I am not like other people. My living environment, my present life situation, my parenting and my adherence to social etiquette (or lack of ) will reflect that. It sometimes brings me shame.

My living environment is not like other peoples'

The homes of beloved friends and welcoming neighbors that I visit tend to be perfectly  well maintained with concern expressed about missing a puppy nose print or two on a glass door...where as I have gauges out of walls from overexcited dogs and I have not been able to clean my windows for years ( literally).

Wonderful gourmet like dishes are prepared and set out for brunch where as if someone visited me I 'd be like..."I can put on a pot of KD if you like but I have to check to see if I have milk."

Some show concern for an ant or two travelling across their floor when I literally have six foot  spider webs ( with inch- matching spiders) all around my eaves trough peering in at us as we eat. (I won't harm them ).

Their lawns and gardens are beautiful, meticulously maintained  havens I want to get lost in...whereas at my house, when people come they are met with tall, unkempt grasses surrounding my dying deck and they must watch for piles of dog poop as they make their way through the "Trailer Park Boys" obstacles that lead to my broken doorway.

Their renovations are professionally and beautifully done ...whereas mine...when I get around to it...are somewhat sloppy DIY's that take months to complete and leave a lot to be desired. (Well my daughter's contribution is bang on whereas I don't seem to care too much about mine.)

They are proud of their beautiful environments as they should be...where as I am ashamed of mine and avoid having people over.  (I still have an ego). I have piles of laundry I can not get around to putting away and tumbleweed sized fur balls from our large number of pets floating around. (Poor old Roomba has dementia and does nothing but forget where he is going and always seems to be finding his way home...so no room ever gets completed) My environment reflects that I am not like other people.

I often ask why do I live like this?  Why do I not have the oompf to put more into creating a domestic haven for Don, my children and myself? Why don't I care enough about my house or things?  What is wrong with me? My environment is chaotic so I must be??

My life situation is not like other peoples'

My present life situation reflects the same.  I listen to people talking about the very common worry of  trudging through their workdays to get to retirement and to the possibility of having to go past that "drudgery" until they can pay for the renovations they made on their houses. When asked what I will do as I am no longer working ...I answer "I don't know.  I haven't a clue."

 I don't know how I will survive financially; what I will do to get by...tomorrow ..let alone when I am 65. And it is not really worrying me lol.  I have lost so much of the things others take for granted and I  no longer blame others for it, dwell on it, or feel that loss to the extent others think I should.  It's like, "Oh well. It is what it is. My youngest is all taken care of for this year, the others are working. It doesn't matter what happens to 'me'...I need so little."

And in society's terms I now have so little.  No job...which is such a big thing in today's society; no title...lost that; no professional identity, no money left in my bank account, let alone  in savings or investments; and no 'plan'.  And I just shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know what I will do."
Because I don't and the craziest thing is I am not worried about it. 

I watch others as I respond and I can see things crossing their faces, "She is absolutely nuts! She should be terrified...what is wrong with her! ? Man...why is she doing this?  Does she have to do this?  I have this, that or the other thing going on in my body and I am still working everyday.  Is she lazy or crazy?   Oh well...it is her problem...not going to worry about it." And the subject gets changed much to my relief. I do feel shame because I am not like other people.

Why don't I care about retirement, about my savings, about the prospect of losing more?  Why don't I worry about not having an income again especially when I have already endured months without one before and know how hard it is?  Why do I not see work as such an important component to living as they do? What is wrong with me?

My parenting experiences are not like other peoples'

My children reflect that I am not like other people. I feel great shame, at times, when it comes to my parenting when I allow ego to play the comparison game. Ego still likes to slap me around a bit with its reprimands, "How could you do this to your kids?  Why didn't you suck it all up and keep going , pretending everything was fine? Why didn't you keep up on the household maintenance and work harder at getting past your symptoms so they could have a 'normal' mom.  They made the choices they did because of you...you crazy, mixed up woman.  You were never like other parents. Look at your friends children...they have phDs and fancy jobs.  They are successful and look perfect.  Your kids, on the other hand, struggled because you had the audacity to leave your husband, be so different in your approach to life, and then admit out loud to getting sick.  How could you?" I feel shame and I blame myself for the pain my children endured.

Don't get me wrong.  I am so very, very proud of all my children though society may tell me at times, I shouldn't be.  I have no children with graduate degrees or fancy jobs...but I have children who are kind, loving and though they are often lost on their way...resonate with a certain emotional intelligence I see in so few people today. My children never stayed on the straight and easy path but I feel tremendous pride when I see what they learned from going down those challenging roads, how they staid loving and kind despite the painful process of coming back.  My heart swells every time I witness them making  life choices, however small,  that benefit them and the world.  I have some that are so close to awakening...and I am like...wow...that will make all the worry, the fearful nights, the challenges worth while. I am so very proud of my children but ashamed, sometimes, of myself for not being more like others so that I could have made it easier for them.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I get excited about proms and parties like others do?  Why do I not make a bigger effort to socialize with other parents and do the volunteer thing others do?  Why don't I push harder to make my kids meet the social milestones I am told they need to meet? Why do the small things my children do that  no one seem to notice make me so happy while what some would consider to be "big mistakes" brush off me so easily? What is wrong with me?

My social skills are not like other peoples'

I also lack the expected  social skills. Though I have always been a great listener, I have never been one for mingling or small talk and avoid those awkward situations as much as I can.  I prefer to speak when I have something important to say or to hear what I believe to be truly important. I try to speak truth.  I stay away from people who I feel "off" when I am around them. Though I try to avoid being hostile in any way, I cannot pretend to like the personalities or behaviours of others when I don't.

Egos scare me. That leads to awkward social interactions where my own ego makes its appearances again and again much to my embarrassment.  I am much more peaceful and 'true' when I am alone or in the company of animals.  That leads to awkward social interaction and a lack of appropriate social etiquette on my part. Backwards!!!! lol

Why can I not just relax when I am around others?  Why can't I mingle with comfort and do the small talk thing? Why am I so aware(and afraid) of other egos and my own? Why do I avoid people and social situations?  Why do I prefer to be alone?  What is wrong with me?

Taking Ownership

So I am not like other people and I often wonder what is wrong with me.  Sometimes that brings shame.  Especially as I take ownership of my life and everything in it, realizing that I created it all to some extent. I won't blame my circumstances on life situations I cannot change...I now know I can change everything with the right change of mind. My health, my circumstances can change and I am responsible for any lack there of.

At the same time, I realize that shame is uncalled for and is all ego's doing. There is nothing wrong with who I really am.  This idea I have of me...is just that "an idea" and it is not who I am. 

People my glance in at my life right now...and see my living environment, my life circumstances, my parenting and my social interaction and put the big fingered "L" to their foreheads, "Loser!"  They may say.  That's okay.  It really is.  I know the only judgment they make and the only shame I feel is ego's doing. 

Most importantly, I know it is because of this present set of situations in my life that I am coming to know the truth of Who I really am...and there is no room for  comparison there, there is no need to be like other people.  It is all good!

How awesome is that?

The Essence

Find the essence and the transient will not disturb you.
-Mooji. Everything a Sage Says is to Set You Free. Mooji TV

In absolutely everything there is this Isness...this Beingness that has no form, doesn't change , was not created and will not die even when the body around it does.  This is the Essence of Life; the Essence of God. 

This is Grace!

Find It...and the transient...that of this physical world that does change, gets sick, or becomes lost to us...can never disturb our peace, our joy or our love.  How cool is that?

This peace, this love and this joy our  perfume. But the flower nobody can touch. It can only be.  How great is God?
-Mooji, as above.

Grace and Gratitude

Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Gratitude evokes grace like the voice and echo. Gratitude follows grace as thunder follows lightening.
-Karl Barth (Anti-Nazi; anti-Nuclear Weapon Theologian featured on the cover of Times 1962  from https://www.azquotes.com/quote/592850)
 

Been away and had the opportunity to do something I had on my bucket list for years: get close to a whale.  We went whale watching and what an experience it and the two days we were away was.  D. spoils me but I enjoyed the trip too much to feel guilty. lol. 

I felt gratitude...immense gratitude for him, these magnificent marine mammals, the opportunity to get close, my camera, the experience and ultimately God for the "grace" that was provided.  Thus my topic for the day: Grace and gratitude.

Grace and Gratitude belong together like heaven and earth.

Gratitude is so much more than the words, 'Thank you." It is a feeling that has an amazing healing capacity.  According to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey in the second mediation of their "energy of attraction" series, gratitude is a gentle warm feeling in the heart that leads to a smile on the lips and ultimately the experience of grace.

Grace is the support, provision and knowledge that we are loved.  We experience it as a return of our deeply felt gratitude.

In Bhakti Hinduism this is known as Kripa.  God's Grace is provided with every experience of gratitude. When we express gratitude fully we are given even more experiences in which to be grateful by Grace.

Hmm!  So not only is gratitude such a wonderful experience to feel...and that in itself is enough...the more gratitude we feel, the more rich our lives become. It pays to be grateful! We open ourselves up to the sureness of God's Love when we are grateful. How cool is that?

And let me not forget my hourly thanksgiving that You have remained with me, and always will be there to hear my call to You and the answer me.  As evening comes, let all my thoughts be still of You and Your Love. -ACIM-W-232:1:3-4

All is well!

Worth Reading or listening to...

ACIM

Karl Barth Biography. Center of Barth Studies. http://barth.ptsem.edu/karl-barth/biography

Kripa. Yogapedia. https://www.yogapedia.com/definition/5572/kripa

Oprah & Deepak, Energy of Attraction 22-Day Meditation