Waking Up in a Busy World: Oh No! More on Dukkha?

Not seeing dukkha, is dukkha.

The Buddha

I was always the type of person who couldn't turn my back to suffering. Oh, I wanted to, let me tell ya!, but I would compulsively have to remove my hands from my eyes or turn to face that which I was trying to avoid...eventually. Something within me would scream, "Look!!!See that suffering is real! It is an important and undeniable part of Life!"...and I would look, and feel, and most times (but not all times) deal with the dukkha in front of me whether it be mine or some other beings.

Living like this is absolutely exhausting. It is a crazy making and physically draining way to be.

Why, then, do you live like that crazy lady?

It is almost as if that is my mission in life...to seek the suffering in the world, experience it as if it were my own, and if possible, do something to alleviate it. Believe me...it is not a mission I would have signed up for in my ego-state...no way. I see now on the physical, psychological, and spiritual level, I am wired this way for some reason I do not, as of yet, completely understand that goes way beyond the needs of the ego.

I have a nervous system, in this body, that is always on the look out for suffering. The amygdala is always clanging its alarm bells, and every cell in this body is always on standby, ready to respond. On top of that this old heart of mine is always so very heavy thus the development of this "heart condition"that has cost me so much in physical terms. (I am where I am now, at this reference point of suffering, basically because of it and what has ensued following the expression of symptoms). I have said this many times, prior to the podcast I listened to last night, my "heart condition" is simply a response to my approach to Life. Trauma is the driving force of my response. My body and mind are set on "trauma". That is, they seek a certain danger that goes beyond the level of "stress" as this human looks out upon the world. They are now set to respond to overwhelming suffering , be it my own or belonging to someone or something outside of me. The Sympathetic division of the Autonomic Nervous system is at least partially activated in this human throughout the day. Adrenaline and cortisol are constantly pumping through my body, keeping me ready to respond. Without intending to, I am looking for any signs of suffering or dukkha all around me. I hear people or animals crying all the time and I jump up to respond as if I am suppose to do something about it. Most of the time, what I am hearing is just wind or mixed messages. I don't see well...and with every blurry item I encounter I go out of my way to ensure it isn't a hurt or suffering being that I could help. Everytime I hear an ambulance rushing by, I question, "will I have to respond to that in some way?" When the phone rings, this old heart skips a beat preparing itself for some evidence of suffering that I will need to respond to on the other end. I have literally jumped out of moving cars to respond to accidents without even realizing I was doing it. Physically, I am wired to expect and respond to trauma.

Huh? How did that happen?

Like many people, I have had a lot of trauma in this life (and possibly some in past lives). Well I likely had some birthing issues...I was very small and underweight coming from an unhealthy, overwhelmed woman who already had six other kids that came a year a part prior to me. I believe there was some failure to thrive there that was corrected in some way before it could make a difference. Born with a little valve defect that led to a murmur my mother was constantly worried about. (I did not discover this until I started to have issues) I suffered physical trauma at the hands of others, and the hands of Life at an early age. I have had several head traumas that I can remember. I choked once. Nearly drowned once. There were many life-threats to this body that probably overwhelmed it and conditoned it to believe that the world was full of potential life-threatening danger and it would have to be a super alert in order to keep this human alive.

I then assumed if there is danger for this body, there must be danger for other bodies. I naturally have a compassionate heart and want to help alleviate the suffering of all others, not just my self. I also have developed a neurotic need to redeem myself from shame...and seek that redemption in a caring role. (I am seeing how as I evolve...the redemption need is being superceded by a sincerely compassionate heart in my desire to help others.) Somehow, my survival alarms began to clang for other beings too. As I understand and experience the truth of interbeingness, my body truly wants to help others.

So, I see suffering. Unfortunately, I see it a little too much and therefore this human does not have the most pleasant experience of life right now. :) I look at that quote above and reverse it. If not seeing suffering, is suffering...then seeing suffering will lead to being free from suffering. Isn't that what the buddha meant?

Hmm! Well I hope it works that way, lol.