Finding Strength in Hard Times

 You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Bob Marley

Beautiful wedding! Everything turned out perfectly from the weather, to the bride who wore the beautiful veil she wanted down the aisle, to the children's perfect behaviour, to the heart wrenching service with vows that others will be talking about for decades, the food, the speeches, and the fun everyone had at the end of the night. It was so lovely!!! My daughter was estatic and I, as her mom, was estatic for her. So, very grateful for how it all turned out. Blessed!!

The wedding has been my focus during those initial weeks of displacement. It was, therefore, my distraction away from the reality of my life (Let's rephrase that- from the reality of this human's personal situation. I need to keep reframing it like that. I need to remind myself that though things seem really tough for "me" right now...This "me" is only one in 8.3 billion other humans, in trillions and trillions of other beings....so this situation is really 'statistically  insignificant' in the big scheme of things. Instead of narrowing our focus, we truly do need to broaden it so we can see the whole picture clearly....with anything we face.)  

Anyway, now that the wedding is over, it is like, "Okay, time to get to work. Where do I go? What do I do next?" My biggest challenge right now, is dealing with the emergence of a core belief that leads to this deep sense that "I am intruding!  I can't stay where I am intruding!" 

At a time when, in order to meet my basic physiological needs for survival, I need to be taken in by others....this core belief gets in the way. This personality was built around protecting this "me" from that deep rooted sense of being only a burden to others.  I became a very independent, don't ask for help, don't bother others kind of person. I also, in order to over compensate, became a "You do not have to help me, but I definitely need to help anyone I can to earn my keep as a human on this planet.") I felt obligated to take anyone in need in regardless of the hardship it caused this "me"...But when it comes to "me" being taken in at a time of need...there is so much shame; so much fear that I am overstepping. Not only do I feel that I don't deserve to be taken in but "fear" I will be punished in some way for intruding on other's space. I am constantly watching for signs from my hosts that I am bothering them, making myself ready to step out onto the streets with one indication. Like, I would literally rather be living on the streets than dealing head on with the reality that my physical presence is bothering others. Beneath that is this very irrational fear of what they may do to me, say to me because I am intruding.  There is fear there.  

I know where this comes from...a samskara that has been stuffed and stored away since childhood...and it is so good that it is coming up.  I want all these samskaras coming up so I can face them, look at them, release them, and be free of them.  Right now, however, it is tricky because this samskara is conflicting with the reality that this human needs help. This conditioned need I have to stay safe by not bothering others seems to trump the reality that my basic needs need to be met. It is like bypassing "Basic needs" for "safety and security" , the second rung of Maslow's pyramid. It might just lead me to do something stupid...like deny my own basic needs. How many people, I wonder, end up on the street or in destitute situations to avoid this sense of being a burden or intrusion?  Some would call it pride...but pride to me is just a protective mask we wear when we are deeply shamed. I know I am not alone here. Many of us have this samskara within in varying degrees.  Not many, however, have it tested in the way  mine is being tested. 

Anyway...I have been reciting this mantras since this all began, "I can handle this!" and deep down I know I can.  This one is easier, in a sense, than the situation I faced when I first went off work without long-term disability and thought I would lose the house.  I had my children to think of then...meeting their needs was my priority and man that was stressful.  This time, it is only me...which is so much easier to deal with. So, I am grateful for that.  "I can handle this."

I also tell myself, that this is all meant to be...something I signed up for.  It is a challenge I need, for whatever reason.  So, I look up and say, "Thy will...not my will be done." ..and I feel a bit better.

It is all good.  I will find my way through all this. 

All is well.