If life is fair, and it will be, it will serve you with immeasurable beauties, joys, and pleasures- you will feel at times that you do not have the capacity to take them in. You will. Our hearts are boundless. If life is fair, and it will be, it will bring you huge, merciless sorrows. Devastations of your boundless heart. I wish for you the grace to perservere and accept them all accross time, for that is the only way these things can be taken in.
Dan Weis
Been away for a few days looking after others' pets. Amongst those pets was a litter of eight beautiful healthy puppies, and one that was barely surviving since birth: not growing, not developing, not moving, not latching. The owners were syringe feeding "Tiny" ( they called her Tiny) but whatever was going on with her was beyond what anyone could make right. Mom, who suddenly stopped nursing early after three weeks, realized she could no longer care for her weakest pup...and though she will not let others near her puppies...she picked up this little one and brought it to my daughter for care. My daughter then called me in a panic not knowing what to do. I went down to help her feed the other puppies and to care for "Tiny".
The moment I picked her up in my hands, I knew she wasn't going to make the night...she was so underdeveloped. At three weeks she still had the ears of a fetus. Her legs were contractured. Eyes were still sealed shut. But she was still a beautiful little puppy with a lil puppy face and puppy breath and smell. She was also a puppy that was dying. Her body was limp, her breathing shallow and labored.She could barely lift her little head. When I first held her that afternoon, I knew she was already going through the dying process. We agreed we had to keep her warm and safe and as comfortable as possible. We took turns holding her next to our skin for the body heat and simply carried her around for hours and hours. We fed her...just in hope that maybe she would pull through. (The human mind is always wanting to "fix" things, isn't it?) There are no vets here on weekends, btw, nearest vet is an hour an a half away and it was obvious to the logical part of the mind there was nothing to be done but make her comfortable...so that is what made this a palliative situation intead of an emergency intervention.
Mom who was not rejecting her puppy, just asking for help in keeping her alive (or comfortable), was beside herself. Always running from her others to us when Tiny cried ( and she cried alot- the reality is that the dying process is painful). On each whimper, Mom would scamper over....sniff and lick her little one before returning to the litter. It was a back and forth marathon for her all night.
Well, it was a stressful night. Trying to feed and ensure the well being of the other pups who had to be bottle fed too, trying to calm a Mom who knew her child was dying, and attempting to keep my own heart which was breaking in two every time the little pup cried made it a tough and sleepless night. I sent my daughter to bed when I assumed the time was getting close...(she vocalized she didn't want to see her die). And , I walked back and forth with the little one in my arms, next to my skin, rocking and soothing as much as I could. It was so very sad. I bawled and I bawled as I rocked the crying little thing. Then the pup's cries became a little more urgent and Mom's reaction a little more intense to the point she was howling and whimpering. So, I just prayed..."Thy Will , not my will be done...but could you please end the suffering here and now! " As soon, I mean as as soon, as I uttered that prayer...the pup took one more gulp of air and I knew it was her last. She was gone.
I showed her lifeless body to Mom, while she sniffed and licked and then turned her head away. I sat down on the floor beside her, holding her out for her to be able to see. Mom laid with her head on my lap and she slept for the first time in almost 24 hours. I held the little body for hours. I didn't want to put her down.
WTF crazy lady? Why are you relaying such a terrible tale. No one wants to hear about puppies dying!
And it is true...amongst a slew of what seems to be Life's examples of unfairness , no one wants to hear about puppy's dying, do they? Things like that are not supposed to happen. Puppies are meant to be playful and joyful and full of life so we can feel playful and joyful and alive around them. They are not meant to be sick or to die! Sick and dying puppies are bad, wrong, and shouldn't be. It is a cruelity, and unfairnes of Life we would rather not have to face. So we don't until we have to.
Let's explore why it seemed so unfair:
Here there were eight big and healthy puppies running around and amonsgt them, one so small and deformed she hadn't a chance. Why is that? Why didn't she get a chance to play and wrestle with her brothers and sisters? Why did she have to suffer so? Why do humans, like me, have to watch things suffer so?
Was it really unfair?
Or was it simply the way it was? Maybe there was a meaning to that unfolding of events that went way beyond my level of human understanding? Is it unfair just because I do not understand why things like that hapen? Do I truly need to understand to make it fair? Let's look at the statistical insignificance of this. Only one out of nine suffered and died. The rest, well beyond the majority, are flourishing and alive. This one little pup despite the odds against her doing so considering her state had three weeks on this planet.
Did that little pup suffer to the extent of regretting being born? Was the short expanse of time Tiny had on this Earth worth it? Was it worth the pain and struggle, to have the experience of living on earth even if it was only for a few weeks...of being in a litter of other breathing living things, loved and licked and warmed by a mother...then by some strange human? To hear what was heard, to smell what was smelt; to breathe air in and out of lungs? Was it not worth it?
Hmm! Suffering exists. For this human, it was certainly uncomfortable and heart breaking to watch a little puppy suffer and die and something I hope I never have to do again...but it was beautiful too.
Beautiful???
I look at it this way: If I were to have said "no" to this , I would have closed up and resisted this expereince of witnessing suffering...I would have closed up to an opportunity to serve Life in one of the most enriching ways. If I would have denied the experience or reality of these Life truths...that all things regardless of age and cuteness will eventually die, that all things are of the nature to get sick; that we are are all going to grieve the loss of someone or something someday...I wouldn't have taken the action needed. I wouldn't have embraced the fifth realization: that our actions are the only things we get to leave behind. I wouldn't have held her, rocked her, soothed her and Mom the way I did...improving the quality of those lives in some small way. If I would have blocked the emotions this experience brought out of this human I call me...I wouldn't have experienced the true beauty of compassion and love that I felt...like I truly felt in those moments. I would not have had the experience of connection I had with the lil pup, with the mother dog...with all beings in those moments. It was so, so painful andso, so sad...but it was glorious and beautiful too to be that open! The crying was so cleansing...I released so much stuff with those tears. I gave so much with those tears. I realized that these hearts we have, can handle suffering. We just need to learn to keep them open.
So, yeah...I am going to share uncomfortable tales here in hope someday we will all be comfortable and open to all experiences Life hands us...so we can stay open to the point we get to experience just how boundless our hearts actually are.
All is well.
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