GoingThrough It

 The Only Way Out is Through.

Numbers waxing and waning and then jumping up again. I don't really care...or do I? It has been absolutely chaotic in this household over the last few weeks ....and I am, as 'this human', feeling swallowed up by it. I, as 'me', seem to be going through it. Why was it so chaotic?

Desperate to Complete a Project on a Self-Imposed Deadline

 I was busy trying to get the EAL book finished, up, and available for anyone who might need it. (I did get some lovely feedback from someone recently that it was helpful...and just like when I have two or three solid readers on this page...it makes it all worthwhile. I truly do just want it to be helpful.) I put about 20- 40 hours a week into it since May. It never felt complete. So, to complete it, I wanted to create a read along audio version with my voice. I didn't have the proper equipment but I was determined...just needed the space and uninterrupted 'quiet' which was next to impossible to achieve. Every chapter took much longer to record (and re-record) than I expected.  Probably spent another 60 + hours on the recording alone. Sigh! Still I was determined because I think that it is pretty much essential to have a read along version when teaching an additional language through a book. Anyway...so as I was trying to get that all done before school started (I can't believe how fast the summer slipped away), I let everything lse on my summer to-do list wait. . I don't even know why I worked so hard and why I gave into this pull to complete something I probably had no business writing, at teh expense of everything else. Though it was received well by one, will it be received by others? Is this going to be like many of the writing projects I have completed so far...and just sit there doing no good?

 I was also trying to get done the other things on my summer to-do list...a bathroom reno and a major cleaning out of all that that was not essential from my house. I really need to declutter.  

DIY Reno Disasters

We wanted to do the renos ourselves...well we couldn't afford to do it any other way lol. I had a very tight budget for this reno and I even ended up exceeding that. Sigh. We didn't get started on the bathroom until two weeks ago...found a beautiful vanity at Habitat for Humanity (was so grateful that I could get what I needed for a great price and at the same time contribute to a very worthwhile charity!!). Anyway... it became one DIY issue after another. The vanity we realized was set up for wall plumbing and I had floor plumbing.  We had to modify the vanity itself. It took us a long time to figure out how to do that. We had two saws but the saws' blades either broke or wore out while we were working and out of desperation we had to take a hack saw to the back (not pretty...Thank God, I am the farthest thing from a perfectionist one could be). Then we had one plumbing issue after another. Had to figure out how to fix it and each attempt led to leaking. (I could see this morning how it was still leaking...sigh) On top of that we bought flooring that we should not have bought for the bathroom (were told that it was perfectly fine though my carpenter son told me later wasn't). It would not click right no matter how hard we tried. After days of flooring attempts, we thought we solved the issue but now after everything is back in place, we see how it all needs to come up. (Did I say I had a very, very tight budget?) We had issues with the painting...and during it all, when I was trying to keep dust to a minimum the dryer vent got completely clogged from beginning to end, and that required a six hour emergency cleaning and a big mess. The door wouldn't fit with the elevated floor...how did we solve that?  The same way we did the vanity. (Not pretty).  I ran out of baseboard, need transition strips, and the little things that make a bathroom a bathroom, but we have to wait until floor and plumbing issues are fixed. Sigh! 

House Falling Apart? 

The washer downstairs is leaking.  On top of that my carpenter son also noticed that my kitchen cupboards are starting to rot (they are  40 plus years old). How the heck am I going to fix that problem?

Unable to Declutter 

So renos make a big mess, right, both physically and mentally? The rooms I want to declutter are so cluttered with more clutter that I cannot get to what needs to be removed! The household itself is so chaotic I think all this moving around and recluttering does something to the energy in a house.  Do you think?

Disturbed Fung Shui?

Life seems even more chaotic now than it did. I mean since we started with the idea of renovating and decluttering, I have been carrying a ten pound weight in my gut and Life seems to want to slap us all around a bit. 

Physical Pain

I wake up at five every morning with this pain in my LLQ and I have to carry that around with me throughout the day.   It gets worse and worse with the more I do. Then, of course, because of the stress, pain, and interrupted sleep my ticker is acting up.  I can hear a murmur now where the click was.  Sigh! This is minimal compared to everything else.

Suffering Loved Ones

I have a loved one in the basement who is in desperate shape but despite my attempts to get her in sooner, she cannot get in to see someone until November. ...almost three months away! We have been waiting for this urgent consult since July! She gets sicker and sicker as she waits.  She was taken off her medication (that was causing pretty severe physical issues) with the intention that she would be seen on an urgent consult by a specialist and placed on something else. That urgent consult was a five month wait!  So, if she does not get help soon I fear for her very life.  I told the people who could help that and all I got was , "Well...we will put her on a cancellation list but there is nothing else we can do." Now, I have to come up with the extra energy to push like a Mama Bear against all the doors that get slammed in my face.  She is way too ill to fight for herself! I don't know if I have the energy. (Accessing health care is one of my biggest personal triggers of deeply rooted samskaras). I am not sure I have that energy but I have to find it somewhere.  The chaos of my physical surroundings, unsuccessful attempts to clean and declutter, and this pain just pull me down but I somehow have to find a way to get past all that for her.

I also have a sister-in-law who is very ill in hospital.  I haven't been in to see her yet.  I fear that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back leading me to avoid,  but I feel so guilty!!

Then there is a recent and very unpleasant break up of a family unit within my family that I have been asked to moderate through for custody purposes etc. I just want my grandchildren to be happy and healthy but I feel the pain of everyone involved and man is that overwhelming to deal with. It is so hard to detach from that suffering. My other children, too, have been coming to me with issue after issue(fairly big issues). There is just so much suffering!!

My dog is very sick.  I worry about her.  My cat is in desperate need of a dematting but everytime I go near her with the scissors and dematter she fights me and I have not the energy to keep trying.  I feel sick to my stomach every time I pat her. Guilt.

Seasonal Pressures

The pears are dropping and I need to take the time to collect and preserve what I can. I have a little over a week of time left to do so, Preserving is so much work and in this chaos??? 

School is starting back and I am not going to be able to make myself available for work because there is too much going on here! 

A Trip We Can Not Afford

Then...on top of all that...we are supposed to be going away in a couple of weeks. We already bought our flights. We were not thinking straight when we agreed to go.  We cannot afford it and how on earth can I leave these sick beings behind? How am I going to enjoy it with this constant physical pain...and the worry over my loved ones that I will have to carry with me.  There is so much that has to get done before we go. 

This Human!

This human feels so overwhelmed right now! It feels crazy!

I even tried to drink my troubles away last night.  I do not drink very much but last evening we were invited out.  I brought a bottle of wine for the host and hostess, and I ended up drinking most of it. I literally wanted to just numb from it all!  It only numbed me for a short period of time, but I knew that it wasn't the way to go.  The pain still woke me at five and I, because I had alcohol in my system, did not feel like I should sit to meditate...so I had to forgo that much needed practice this morning. Sigh! I have been literally in front of this computer "expressing" for too long, in hope it will relieve me ...but as I do I know it won't.  

The only way out is through! 

Sigh...this is the experience of 'this human' right now, the one I call "me". How is this human going to get through all this? 

Maybe, it doesn't matter what happens, maybe it doesn't matter how the human gets through this...It is not the human that has to get through anything. Is it?   It is the 'I am' that simply has to sit back and watch it all go down. I mean...this human...this 'rent- a- body and rent- a -mind' still needs to be driven through these circumstances. Things need to get done but the 'I am' can do the driving, can't it? 'This human' probably should not be behind the wheel right now...it needs a much calmer, and experienced driver to take it through this chaos.

Hmm!  All is well!