Hope and the Finite

... Never seek for the Eternal in this world of finite things.

Vivekananda

Man I know what it sounds like when someone expresses a lack of hope as I did yesterday. Hopelessness is listed as one of the biggest symptoms of depression.  It is like one has given up on life.  I have, by no means, given up on Life.  I have given up on "me" and that maybe considered a problem to most who still identify as their "me". Though, I too still identify and am certainly struggling to find and discover the light and beauty in some of the moments that have unfolded  to satisfy this "me" (because man...is it whiney and complainy)...and this is where hope normally steps in......I realize that "me" cannot be satisfied because "me" is just a hungry little self concept. Who I am,beyond this "me", cannot be satisfied either by the things of this world. It is seeking the infinite not the finite.It is seeking the eternal not the temporal. 

Hope, is about satisfying "me" not the Soul or spirit or deeper Self...or consciousness ( whatever you wish to call it). Hope is about creating mental images of the temporal, not the eternal; the finite, not the infinite. I know now in the deepest part of me that the finite and temporal may satisfy "me" for the briefest of seconds but it will not satisfy who I really am. My practice is all about satisfying who I really am. Thusly, hope doesn't work for this human anymore. :)

I am going on a trip to Europe tomorrow...something I used to hope for like crazy.  Since I was little I wanted to travel and especially  travel to Europe. So much history! It was always on my vision boards and smart goals lists lol. I used to get so excited about the prospect of any trip away...vibrating and not able to sleep for days before hand dreaming about what it might be like. 

Now, that I no longer wish  to  jump from my moment  into my mind like I did then...now that vision boards have been put away and goal lists have been deleted...and now that the trip is a day away...am I excited, hopeful?  

No  I mean I am not adverse to going...I did the things needed to get ready to go...all the planning and packing etc...but I am not up ahead...I am not already on the airplane or walking the cobblestone streets in my mind.  My body and mind are still here in this moment writing you.  I am not envisioning what it will be like.  I have no expectations.  I am still trying to make the most of this moment...observing as the words come out as I drink my tea. I still have things to do to get ready to go but there is no panic or excitement.

Well isn't it good to get excited?

Of course, it is good to "be" excited. But it is important to remember that  excitement is a flow from inside. "Getting" excited because of some external thing  is not the reality...right? The actual or potential external event simply was a trigger that opened up what was already in us. We come to believe it is the trip that is bringing excitement but it isn't. Enthusiasm and excitement are natural flows of energy that are meant to pour through us freely. We don't think of it like that though...do we? We just know that sometimes we feel good and sometimes we feel not so good. We "assume" that some things make us feel good and somethings make us feel bad. Trips to Europe are things that should make us feel good and excited. We fail to recognize that we are so stuffed with blockages and expectations that the external world is here to satisfy us and make us happy,  that we are constantly looking for temporal and finite things out here to open us enough just so the energy can flow.  Like a trip!

The trip is nothing but an experience this human gets to have...one of a trillion number of potentials. It doesn't make it excited.

So am I excited at all?

The reason why I am not feeling the natural flow of abundant excitement in me right now is because I know, number one, that no finite thing has the power to give me that. So...the idea of this trip doesn't trigger a small opening. I want more than what the world can give me.  I know not to seek the eternal flow in a finite and temporal thing like a trip. Secondly, I am in the process of releasing that which is blocking me from feeling excited and open all the time.  These shifting samskaras that are getting ready for release are still blocking the internal flow of this beautiful natural energy. I am fully aware they are still there. My short term smart goal is to release what is there and to avoid putting anymore samskaras on top of them.  Looking for the trip to make me happy and excited will simply be another samskara slowing down the release of the stuff that so desparetly wants to be cleansed. 

So will I even enjoy this trip?

I do not know what the trip will be like but I know I am at the stage of my waking up where I can observe, appreciate and enjoy the human experience as it unfolds around me. I still have a mind that loves history and natural beauty and culture...so yeah this human and this "soul" will likley enjoy this trip no matter what happens in it. Long term forecast is calling for ten days of rain lol. So be it. I want to experience and enjoy each moment as it unfolds...in whatever way it unfolds. I don't wnat "me" in the way dictating how it should be and how I should feel. That make sense?

It is all good!

Note: Bringing this with me so I might be able to write a bit while there. (I can't imagine not writing for two and half weeks lol)