Releasing into Truth

 Allow yourself to release the emotions you struggled all your life to contain. 

Ellen Bass

This human is having a time ...let me tell ya! Everything is bothering this psyche I call "me". Look at me sideways and I will start crying. Raise your voice in judgment or frustration- just a tiny decibel in my direction- and I will blow you down with mine. I am...well not "I am" but the "me" part of me is having a time.  

So, I know I let that floor sit for 24 hours longer than I should have but I just could not face it the day I noticed the issue. My goal that day was to push for my daughter and I did but I told off people; I broke down and cried more than once during the process in front of people who didn't need to hear it; and   I begged and I pleaded as I was referred from one place to another.  It was very triggering.  So much "energy" came out of me during this. I had no idea I stuffed so much worry, concern, helplessness inside me about what I was witnessing her going through. Oh yeah, and the old health seeking shame came up too in big pathetic clumps. I was completely overwhelmed. 

Then I had to deal with the custody support thing I was doing and man is that sucky being in the middle, feeling all that pain from both sides and wanting nothing more than for the children to be safe, well, and happy. And of course, that is triggering all the stuff I stuffed from my own divorce as well as some stuff that goes back to my teenage years because I am dealing with a person from my past who incidentally triggers old wounds. All the energy required to pump myself up to do this and nothing got done. 

And on top of that ...this mess that we are dealing with triggers my money fears because we had to obviously throw the floor out and I have no money to replace it. There is more damage done. All my appliances and the vanity and what not are out in the hall again.  I can't clean the other rooms.  It just reminds me of what I am lacking and how the environment around me is falling into chaos...entropy at its best...partly my responsibility for sure because I should have kept up on things.  I let things go. I own that. At the same time...how else would I ( this human...I have to keep reminding myself that I am simply watching this human go through this...) have fixed it?  I don't know...trivial stuff in many ways. 

I even feel my expression of these things triggering the "You should not complain" samskaras in me and I am almost expecting punishment, judgment, or condemntion  for complaining. That is all coming up on top of everything else.  It is just so crazy. It is all so crazy.

And it is so wonderful!!

I keep thinking that something is being cleansed inside me with every tear and with every emotional release, And that is what I want more than anything- to have all that stored stuff gone.  I might not be able to purge my house but I can purge my heart and soul of all this heavy stuff I have been carrying along with me for what seems like forever. I tell myself that it isn't just my stuff I am purging...it is my mother's, my father's, my great grandparents and generations of collective unconsciousness that was somehow stored within me. This experience of release is so different than any other release I might have had in the past.  There is a pure realness to it that I cannot really explain. It is painful but it feels good at the same time. I like to think I am burning off karma. I stood in the center of the chaos yesterday and shouted out to whatever or whoever..."Bring it on!! I am  not going to resist anymore!"  I think as I was saying that the one sink we have now got clogged...sigh...and the one washer started doing funny things with its lights as if to say, "Be careful with what you ask for!" 

I keep thinking this physical pain I am having every morning is some stored stuff that is just a bit trickier to get out. ...that is stuck in the sacral chakra. Physically I know it is a combination of the diverticulitis and a cyst that is much bigger than the ultrasound reporter said it was...(it has to be.  Having this much pain doesn't make sense unless it is bigger)...but there is more to it, isn't there? This pain awoke me years ago with an internal warning in my mind..."Change your life situation before it is too late."  I look around at the chaos that surrounds me now and I hear a quiet, "I told you so." Sigh! I know what changes I need to make. I just dont know how to make them.  

This is indeed an internal process and progress...involving the Self more than the self...but at the same time external changes need to be made. These changes go beyond household renovations. 

All is well.