May your every act in life, down to your very breath, be a vehicle for bringing matter into spirit and spirit into matter. May you become a transformation so you can live in the world but not of the world, so you are both the word and the silence, you are the form and the formless, with every breath.
Ram Dass
I have been out of commission the last few days. :) I have been up and down and all around physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was pulled into the drama of being me in a body that was crying for attention, a mind that "thought it needed" to know why the body was crying out, and all this in the midst of the never ceasing drama occurring around me. Let me share a bit of the narrow story I was allowing my consciousness to focus on. ( Beware: It might be a little longwinded.)
I was booked for a simple procedure everyone my age is recommended to have. I literally refused this procedure twice before because I didn't think I needed it and I did not want to waste tax payers money. That was before certain minor issues I was having were becoming more and more prevalent and annoying. So, I eventually straight out asked for this test because I thought it would give the answer as to why I was having that pain in my LLQ since 2017, and the other associated things. A cyst under 4 cms could not be the cause of all this, I thought. There had to be something else.
You see, I have a mind that needs to understand this body's signs and symptoms in pathophysiological terms....just as a mechanic needs to understand why the car they are driving is acting up. It drives me crazy when it doesn't make sense. I don't want all the fancy tests and procedures...I just want to be able to see and understand what is going on in my body. A sensible explanation...two miniutes in length...is all I need. If a plausible explanation makes sense to me...if I can see that this is related to this and that is caused by that...I am okay with whatever is thrown at me...but if I am told, "It is all good," when this body is still making all this noise, I will respond with, "Tell me why it is all good when I still have this or that going on.What is causing this or that? I am not asking you to fix it...I am just asking you to tell me what it is so I can understand it. "
I don't want to hear that it is all good when this body is so noisy....you know? What is this body wanting me to hear? I will do whatever I can, first, to figure it out myself so I do not need to go ask someone else. I don't want to bother anybody with the body's nonsense. I don't want all these tests and stuff. If I can handle it on my own. I will handle it on my own. I have a fairly sound understanding of pathophysiology and I figure out about 85% of my stuff on my own. 15 % I can't . But for the 15% I can't figure out ...I go to the experts. That is what drives me to health seek. I am not afraid of being ill. I am not afraid of dying...but ...I have to understand what is happening so I can make peace with it. When I present or show up for a test, I am just needing an explaination as to what this body is saying because at those times I can't understand its language. It is not the symptoms, or the possibility of being ill that bothers me...it is the "not knowing" what the body is saying that I have a hard time with. Sigh! It is just the way my mind works!
Anyway.... so I have been having a heck of a week with all that is going on around "me" prior to this procedure date. I was really pulled from my Seat of Self and into the drama, as much as I didn't want to admit it. That could have intensified the symptoms. (The body does respond to stress, does it not? I possibly narrowed my focus on to the body's noise.) So, as the symptoms intensified...purely psychosomatic or not...I was even more determined to have this procedure explain the nature and cause of my symptoms once and for all. If I could find peace in what the body was doing I would have more space for handling the life circumstances. So, I was determined to have this procedure no matter what! I wanted to put an end to the not knowing. I wanted the peace I assumed an answer would bring...regardless of that answer. Despite the circumstances occurring around me, despite everything I might be feeling etc...I was determined!
Yet...it seemed that fate had other things in mind.
Well the day before the procedure and while I was prepping for it...D. and I came down with the stomache flue...very high temps, nausea...the whole works. I mean sick. Like what are the chances of that? Still, I was not going to cancel! I needed an answer. So, there I was having to prep with the most God awful stuff in the world ...making myself sicker than I already was but I was determined! It was very, very challenging. At one point I was laying on the bathroom floor sweating profusely...I think the sweat was coming out of my eyeballs...almost convinced I was going to die. I wasn't sure if it was the heart or the stomach but man...sick!
Anyway...I get through it and I show up for the procedure ( fever had broken in the night so I was feeling better that way but literally wiped out.)
I wait with the knowing that soon I would find out what has been going on down there for years now. I would have this peace. I am not nervous. I am repeating "Om mani padme hum" to myself. I am speaking to the support around me I cannot see...saying, "Whatever this is, it is. Give me the strength to make peace with it all." The nurse gives me the sedative and I go out.
I didn't remember much right after the procedure but I do remember now...the alarms going off behind me and some pressure in my belly and chest...not much just enough but I was still too drowsy to react. Then I remember being wheeled back down to my cubicle,,,someone telling me it is over and asking how I am feeling...someone calling for an ECG...someone saying, "She had some ST changes during the procedure."
I am too drowsy to wake up. Infact, I don't really care about that. I want to know about the scope. I fall back to sleep and am awakened by an ECG tech putting leads on me. Everyone is asking if I am okay. I am. I am pleasantly drowsy...no pain anywhere. I fall back to sleep. Then D. is there and the nurse. I am told I had some ST changes during the procedure. Still not concerned. I am just wondering what the scope showed. I am told the ECG will be faxed to my doctor and I still don't care. ST depression I have had plenty of times. I am shown the report and it is compared to the last one...Sure there are chnages but I have seen such changes before. Not concerned. What about the scope?
They begin to prepare me for discharge. I am super light headed but no chest discomfort what so ever. I see the surgeon walking down the hall . I feel my heart racing. I need to know. They are talking about my ECG and my heart history. He comes in and tells me right away that I had some ST changes during the procedure and that I need to see my doctor...to take my ASA etc...that the ECG report was faxed. I nod my head. He starts to walk away. Huh? "What about the scope?" "Oh scope is good. It is all good?" I am stunned, "It's good?" The nurse beside him tries to reassure me, "That's a good thing." They do not understand that I just need an explanation as to what my body is doing. I think I thanked him...I hope I did. He walks away. I reassure the nurse that there is no reason for concern about the ST changes. She tells me to follow up with my doctor. I tell her I will even though I know I probably won't. I go home and spend the hours up til now very lightheaded with no answer for my need to know mind.
The symptoms I was having that led me to the procedure continue. The symptoms I was having after it linger on as well. The drama continues around me. I have no energy to help anyone. I think of how good it felt to be out of it for the 20 minutes I was out lol but know in my heart that is not what I want or need. The peace I am longing for is not found in a temporary sedative...nor will it be found in an explanation for what my body is doing.
The answer is not what I need to have peace! In fact, I didn't get my answer because I was not meant to... It was like wow....I really am not supposed to know am I? Why else would this thing in my heart that I spent decades trying to get people to diagnose and had such a hard time proving to others was even real show up distracting all from the purpose at hand. In my health seeking history for one bizarre reason after another, I never did get answers to all that was going on in my heart and with the other issues in this body until decades after presenting with them. I always seemed to go decades seeking and not finding. It would literally take decades for the answers to show up. Why would this situation be any different?
This is part of my karmic journey, my learning. For some reason, this having a mind that needs to know and the subsequent not knowing is meant to be. I am not supposed to find peace in an answer, in knowing conceptually what is going on in this body I have been given. I am supposed to find peace in the not knowing. It really doesn't matter what is happening to this vessel. I am not it. I think the learning is telling me I am to have faith in this process... a process I don't understand or need to understand. Hmm!
Someday, maybe I will truly get that everything I do, every single thing that happens to this "me" is a vehicle for bringing matter into spirit, and spirit into matter. Maybe someday I will realize that I am more formless than form. Maybe, someday I will realize that the peace I am looking for is already in me.
All is well.
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